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Venting....need help being positive

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Old 10-29-2006, 01:51 PM   #1
BJ's Mama
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Venting....need help being positive

3 dpiui and needing to vent. I've gotten to the point where I can't really talk to dh about my negative feelings anymore. I think it was starting to make him think negatively and he just tells me to "stop it. If you think like that it won't work". I know he's right, but I can't help it. On cycle two and with limited resources (and no insurance coverage for infertility) I know we can't afford to keep doing this over and over again. I get so much out of some of these posts and then others, I begin to feel like maybe there's no hope. (Just read one where they were on 10th IUI - I know we can't afford to go that many). We've only been ttc for 1 1/2 years now and I'm already feeling like we've been trying forever. We both want this so much. It's amazing the things people take for granted. Two of my good friends are due in Dec and Jan and another just had her first in July. It surrounds me and consumes me. I'm trying to think positive, but the minute I start to, I feel myself reverting back to "oh it's not going to work, just a waste of time, money and emotions". How crazy is that? I know it's probably just my own little defense mecagnism (sp?) to set myself up (or prepare myself) for the disappointment. I know this isn't healthy. Has anyone else gone through this? What did you do to get through it. I have 11 days left and I have no idea how I'm going to do this. Especially without telling anyone about how I'm feeling. Sorry to sound so depressing, just looking for ideas to cope. Thanks for listening! You guys are great!!

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Old 10-29-2006, 04:36 PM   #2
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Re: Venting....need help being positive

Although I have always tried to be as positive as I can each time I undergo IF treatments, there is then having to deal with failure and the only thing that has kept me going is the hope that next time it will work.At least now at the end of the day I will be able to look back and not beat myself up for not doing everything I could. Sometimes I think that the IF treatments now available to us that were not available just 30 years ago can be a blessing and a curse because infertile couples now have the chance to have children which the last generation just did not have. But that also means those same infertile couples have to go through so much more anguish each time IF treatments fail, whereas in the past infertile couples just had to accept their lot and learn to live with being childless alot quicker than we do now. That said, even though each time a treatment fails it is soul destroying, I still would prefer to at have had the hope that something might work than no hope at all.
It does sometimes seem like everyone around you is falling pregnant effortlessly and babies are being born all around us, but that is the natural way of things,But it is hard because we have not been dealt the fertility card, and it does hurt. It does seem so unfair that some get the super fertile jackpot ticket and seem to make up in numbers for what we are unable to produce.Maybe thats how nature intended,I dont know, but I am trying to make sense of it, if I ever do..........

Old 10-29-2006, 04:57 PM   #3
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Re: Venting....need help being positive

I know how you feel, I've been there. And my dh too said those words: "Stop being negative or it won't work." We tried nearly a year on our own before starting IVF. The first cycle was perhaps the hardest; not knowing if it was going to work, knowing how much was invested, how much time, energy, etc. Thankfully, my husband's insurance picked up most of the tab for each cycle, so that was not a burden I had to bear, but the negativity about everything else, I can relate to.

With great anticipation, we got our first bfn. That shook me, b/c I really felt as though it would work. I started questioning the same things as you, wondering if it would ever work for me, watching those around me get pg in my family and friends was difficult. But, I didn't want to give up. My dh never doubted that it would work, he knew eventually it would. That kept me hopeful but I wasn't sure.

We did a frozen cycle next and I was numb through most of it, kind of going through the motions and only getting mildly excited at the end. That was the same time (this past summer) that my mother got sick and was in the hospital. And then I got my first positive, but a very low positive. I remember praying in the hospital chapel for my unborn baby and my mother, both hanging on for dear life and sadly, my mother got worse and my positive turned into a negative=a chemical pregnancy. I started losing all hope.

It was too painful to keep telling everyone about our difficulties so we decided to move right on to another cycle, but not let anyone know except my mom who got weaker by the day, but never lost hope for me. She told me that Ella Rose would come, the name we had picked out if we were lucky enough to be pregnant and have a girl. Then, soon after, my mother passed right in the middle of my stimming. I was devastated and felt as though nothing was ever going to be fair and that the things we wanted most in life were the things we couldn't control. It broke my heart but I kept on with the cycle.

I cry now thinking about it, about how terrified I was if it was going to be negative, how hanging on to the fact that I could be pregnant saved me from spiraling down into a very deep depression. And the day of my beta, I felt my mother around me, as if she was trying to tell me that everything would be alright and I felt at peace. Later that day, I got the positive, but it was low. Somehow, I was nervous, but felt as though everything would be okay. My mother was watching over me and my baby. My beta more than doubled over the next several days and everything so far has been very smooth. I am now nearly 16 weeks and soon going to find out if we indeed are blessed with our little Ella Rose, as my mom told me she knew I would have a girl.

These words have just poured right out of me. I hope you don't mind, I just felt the need to share my story with you. I have been there, felt the lowest of lows, felt as though each cycle was an eternity. My infertility journey will forever stay with me, even though I am now pregnant. And, until we want more children, my journey really is perhaps just on hiatus.

Life is so precious, that's what this whole thing has taught me; to really appreciate all the little things that so many others may take for granted. And life is beyond our control. We can try to manipulate it with hospitals, doctors, drugs, IUIs and IVFs, but there is still a higher power involved. Don't lose hope. It will happen, it just may not happen at the time you want it to or in the way you want it to. I was told on this site, that I was so positive and brought other people hope, even when I really felt as though I didn't have any hope left. I guess even when I was so low, I tried to look at the positive things. So, I'm hoping you do the same. There are positive experiences in everything, it's just how you want to look at it. I wish you positive thoughts and peaceful dreams that will hopefully one day soon, come true for you.

Old 10-30-2006, 06:55 AM   #4
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Re: Venting....need help being positive

well -- i think i was meant to read this thread! thank you all for sharing -- particularly km -- reading your story really gave my spirits a lift. i started on this board around the time that your mother passed away, and never heard your entire story. it's incredibly moving.
i am in the middle of an ivf cycle right now -- my last one got cancelled. i have been having a really difficult time staying positive. it's not really so much that i've been negative -- it's more like i've been neutral or "distanced" if that makes sense. i think it's because i've become so used to disappointment that i don't want to get my hopes up again. also, bc of my cancellation i've just been constantly worried that i won't make it to transfer. on top of that, the financial pressure, etc.
i've been trying really hard to be positive, bc i know that's the best place to be, but i can't seem to do it.
anyhow, i do try to concentrate a bit each day on all of the things that i have to be thankful for -- bc truly there are many. but i am still really stuggling with having hope and faith. i know i am doing everything possible on my end to make this happen -- it's just so hard sometimes giving yourself up to the Higher Power which is something I need to let go, do, and trust.
Anyhow, thanks for your inspiring story -- I will keep it in mind in the next few weeks here. If I am fortunate enough to make it to a two week wait, I'm thinking about starting a thread where people can share their success stories to keep me -- and everyone else -- in high spirits and high hopes!
As always, thanks to all of you ladies for your support and encouragement -- baby dust and blessings to all of you!!!

Old 10-30-2006, 05:35 PM   #5
BJ's Mama
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Re: Venting....need help being positive

You guys are such a great help. Not sure what I'd do without you. Thank you all for your stories. You guys make each day a little easier. Thanks for keeping me from going coo coo :P

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