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still hoping 04-05-2007 07:05 PM

Envy/ do you cope?
Hi Ladies,
How do you all handle feeling envious of other women who seem to get prenant very easily without enduring all of the stuff connected to IF? Of course, I would not wish IF on anyone, but Me and Hubby have been ttc for 8 years (done IUI, 2 IVFs and am now starting 3rd). In that time, hubby's younger sister has had her babies and I have one friend, who is years younger than me, just have her 3rd child. Someone at work just told me she's pg and I am trying to be happy for her, but have to fight back tears. She was talking about morning sickness, and I am sure that can be horrible, but I would be glad to endure that if it means a baby in the end. Just needed to vent and get your advice on how you handle similar situations..

carisa789 04-05-2007 08:15 PM

Re: Envy/ do you cope?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure that one out myself. I go through stages. Some months it is much harder than others. I know the last year for me has been much better emotionally for me when it comes to my IF than last year. I just pray about it. It's really hard. It helps to have a support system. I know this site helps me a lot emotionally because I know I'm not alone. I'm so sorry you are going through emotional pain.:angel:


Sillygirl554 04-05-2007 08:25 PM

Re: Envy/ do you cope?
Gosh, I wish I could help. I have lost 3 of my very best friends because of me being jealous and resentful. I hate myself for it but I can't help it. After I had been trying for a 2 years my girlfriend came up to me and said that he and her DH and going to start trying soon and I said well better not wait it takes forever, so what happens, 4 weeks later she tells me she is pregnant. Her little girl is 2 years old now and I think I have talked to my friend maybe 4 times in that time period. Pretty much the same with the other two friends. They all got pregnant there first try and they just do not understand. Whenever we get together( which is probably once a year) all they do is talk about there kids and complain about changing diapers and and how expensive it is and so on and it just makes me sick. Like I said I wish I would not feel this way but I do and it has ruined all of my friendships pretty much. If someone has the answer on how to get past this I would love to here it because I do miss those girls but it kills me to see them

still hoping 04-05-2007 08:30 PM

Re: Envy/ do you cope?
Hi Sillygirl,
It is comforting to know that other people are going through this. Some of my friendships have suffered due to IF. What's really bad is when its a family member who's a mother. I also can't go to baby showers!

Sillygirl554 04-05-2007 08:34 PM

Re: Envy/ do you cope?
I don't go to baby showers either, except for the 3 that I had to throw for my best friends which I spent most of the time up stairs crying. They just did not understand. Alot of people do not know what we are going through so people sometimes question me with attitude as to why I did not go to there shower(even though I always send a gift) I just snap at them and say getting pregnant is not easy for everyone. I am sure that lots of people think I am a b***h but I can not help the way I feel.

still hoping 04-05-2007 08:41 PM

Re: Envy/ do you cope?
I can't believe you had to throw them the showers!! Wow, you are stronger than me....I couldn't have done it. I get snappy too. Conincidentally, my brother and sister-in-law just found out they are pregnant through IVF. I spent an hour on the phone with him trying to stay positive.....they deserve to be parents.....but so do we!!!!Don't worry, people probably think I'm a B.... too:)

Mapia74 04-05-2007 08:43 PM

Re: Envy/ do you cope?
Hey girls I know its hard to hear about people around u getting pregnant but we just have to stay strong.Its only normal what we feel.

Silly about ur friends u really shouldent let IF ruin ur friendship.Do ur friends know what u are going through?My BF in the world knows we are having issues she just doesnt know I am using donor.She is very supportive.She has 1 little boy which I baptised my little godson is my heart my life.She is now pregnant with her second one and I couldent be happier for her.I love my BF so much that I would never let IF get between us I wouldent let anything get between us.So if u really miss them make an effort.Just some advice I hope I am not intruding.


rubynz 04-05-2007 10:23 PM

Re: Envy/ do you cope?
Hi girls

I completely share your sentiments. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach sometimes when people tell me thay are PG. If people know we are trying then they feel akward telling us and I feel as though they are pitying me. I always smile and congratulate them and end up asking them all kinds of questions even though I know the answers are just going to tear me up inside. I feel especially envious when people fall PG with their third babies as we are trying for number three. The funny thing is though, once the baby arrives I feel so clucky and so genuinely happy for them, it just seems to be the initial announcement of a pregnancy that makes me feel all funny. I guess it just seems so unfair because WE want it so deperately and there is someone else with exactly the thing we want. My neighbour has just announced she is six weeks PG with baby number three. Truthfully, I don't know how I am going to cope with it being right next door. Usually home is the one place I can escape to when it all gets too much but now it is going to be right in my face for the next nine months. Oh well, our time will come too - lets just focus on how great it will be when it is our turn.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent!


bellalilly 04-06-2007 06:11 AM

Re: Envy/ do you cope?
I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way and unfortunately now it involves my sister. She announced at Christmas that she was pregant with the first baby in our family. I come from small family (just two girls) and we are very close. I was so surprised at my reaction to her news. I thought I would have been happy for her and I wasn't in the least. I felt sorry for myself, angry and nauseated at the grammy award winning toast she and her husband made in introducing this event. At the time I had been going through alot of medical problems having come down with a severe case of TMJ. I was on Valium and mega ibuprofin and the martini probably didn't help either. It was extremely emotional for me and remains that way. I have a hard time talking to her on the phone(long distance) and even though I really want the best for her it is still so hard to bear.
I try to remember that we all have our own lives to live and all of our experiences are going to be different whether we like it or not. I try to focus on my hope for the future and remember that when my time comes it will be so well deserved. The negative energy is so unhealthy for you and your IF experience. I pray alot and dream. I talk to my dh and ask for alot of hugs.
I wish you the best and don't feel alone. I struggle with these feelings every day.
P.S. did I mention she only had 1/2 of an ovary. Only been married a year and her husband is 50. She's 38. Unbelievable. I've got both my ovaries , no health problems(so far) and my husband is 42. (I'm 40). Ugh!!! lizzie

PuppyLove717 04-06-2007 06:45 AM

Re: Envy/ do you cope?
Hey Girls- I just had to add that I get so frustrated when my friends who are pg or have kids tell me don't worry (that you don't have kids yet or that you can't get pg )your not missing much and its not all it cracked up to be! I get soooo annoyed how can they say this about there kids! One thing I know Ive learned from IF is that when I do have children I will treasure them soo much and I know it will all be worth it! Thanks for letting me vent!

CBB 04-06-2007 06:47 AM

Re: Envy/ do you cope?
It's all a mind game so here's what i do. and i know this sounds awful but i'm being honest. if i hear someone is pg, i think to myself, well maybe they have a baby but she barely graduated high school and i have a master's degree, or they live in a crappy old house that is falling apart and i live in a big beautiful home, or her husband has to work 2 jobs so they can eat while mine has a nice secure government job, etc. i am basically trying to remind myself that maybe that other couple has something great, but I also have things that are important to me and that maybe someone else would envy. and that not everyone can have everything. so while i am envying the pg woman, maybe she wishes she had gone to school, or had more time with her DH, or had a nicer house, etc. it may not be true in the least but it helps me put things into perspective. and then i top it all off with, someday we will have our baby and then for me i'll feel like i have everything i could ever have wanted. maybe it just took me longer to get it or i did it in a different order than i would have wanted. and of course i try not to put myself in social situations with pg women if i can help it. makes it a little easier.

deluka96 04-06-2007 09:36 AM

Re: Envy/ do you cope?
Hi Still Hoping,

Ugh!! I have to say this is one of the worst parts of the eveil IF thing. DH and I always say we wish we could live in a bubble and not hear anyone else news until we have our turn. I too have had those same feeling so many times I can not tell you. My sister who is 5 years younger than me and two friends and I were all pregnant at the same time last Jan. I had a miscarriage and had to endure every agonizing moment of the growing bellies pictures ( DH and I moved away for a job offer he had) then teh baby shower that was to be for me and my sister was just so hard. I too had to host. It was one of the hardest days in my life I thought at any minute I would break down in front of the 75 people invited. Yes 75!!!! Then the month my sister and friends all gave birth which would have been the same month I did, to make matters even more devasting I had a chemical pregnancy the month I would have been due for my 1st pregnancy. That was a year ago and I can not tell you how many pregnant friends I had since then. Right now my SIL is pregnant w/ baby#2, another friend just delv their 1st baby last week, my neighbor across the street is pregnancy with an oops and was not happy about baby #3 and just yesterday a another friend called DH that they are pregnant. And us still trying for baby #1.So how can we not get down.I wish I knew how to tell you to cope I too struggle with that so much. I try hard to show a happy face but I am sure it shows when I congradulate them. As CbB said I think it is good to focus on the future and see some of the good things we have in life. Sometimes I can sometimes I can't and have a nice big pity party but then I always get over it...eventually. Anyway, I hope your feeling better. Just know you are not alone and we all understand what your feeling and you can say anything about envy or jealousy hear b/c we have all been there and anyone else in our position would feel that way too.



still hoping 04-06-2007 11:52 AM

Re: Envy/ do you cope?
Thank you ladies for letting me vent. It is comforting to read what you have to say about feeling this way:)

ASPROUSEY05 04-06-2007 04:49 PM

Re: Envy/ do you cope?
still hoping it is normal to fel that way, me and dh have been ttc for 4 yrs, went straight to ivf (no chance with iui) and failed to fresh cycles in the mean time my 2 best friends got pregnant both completely unplanned, and then i did a forzen cycle that is gonna end in miscarriage, and my sil got a positive test the day after my positive and so did a coworker.. of course i have feelings of jealousy, and sometimes i cry and get upset with God, but then i try and think what if i didnt deal with infertility i wouldnt want someone to be enviuos of me.. and all children no matter what are a blessing.. i know its hard, and i vent too, but those are some of the things i try and tell myself when beign in a situation where i am around those people.. this yr during my 2 ivfs that failed 5 people i work with were pregnant and had their babies. i just tell myself over and over again what a blessing any child is, and even if i cant have one right now, the child is such a great gift. some days im too down, and i wanna beat some women up, ha!! but i usually get over that... i do go to showers though, because i wouldnt want someone to not come to mine, its very unfortuante that anyone has to deal with this but its noone's fault really, sometimes life just sicks.. i was in target today and see people i dotn know pregnnat and i get jealous, but then i think how do i know what they had to endure.. its just a though road to go down, one of lifes biggest "crisis" but when the babies get here into the world whether from us or a frined or famioly member they are so precious, i cant not be around them :) (i use to work in a daycare) anyway, here is def. the place to vent.. aimee

Army Wife 04-06-2007 08:49 PM

Re: Envy/ do you cope?
For me, somedays, it just seems like the whole world is procreating all around me, yet leaving me out of the dance. I feel like the skinny, awkward girl, left alone on the sidelines while everyone else gets a chance.

I see the miracle of life every day, every second- from a calf being born (still offering to send it to anyone...well packaged in a box...may have to use something other than packing peanuts, they get eaten :D ) to chickens hatching. (BTW, I am an Agriculture teacher, so it is my job, of sorts) I have young children (14 and up) come to me and tell me about the "oops" they had and that they are choosing to terminate- my heart breaks at every mention, every thought. My friends have all had children, my enemies have spawned their own. Still, 14 years later, I am left childless.

I have bartered with God, unsucessfully. I have asked what I did that was so wrong that I am not given the capabilities of producing a child to bring into this world. I have a friend who dabbled in drug use pretty heavily long before I met her. No sooner does she get off the pill, the NEXT month, she is pregnant. Then, "oops" she just had her second. I am happy for all my friends, truly, but still wonder... WHY? WHY, after numerous attempts with IUI, IVF, and more fertility drugs than I thought they made, we are still left longing for our little miracle. Why can't we have our "oops"? How much harder do I have to "want" for this until it happens?

I am jealous of other women, no matter who they are. It is difficult not to be, as they are given a chance that many of us cannot get. It's that "carrot" dangling in front of us....we just can't reach it yet.

That is me, most of the time. Then there are the days in which I am happy for what I have. I have an education, and continue now working on my PhD. I have a home to call my own. I have a wonderful husband, who stands by me when I am just short of intolerable from hormonal rage (thanks to clomid, gonal f, follistem, menopur, etc...). I have a birth mother who I recently met who is the single most amazing woman I have ever crossed paths with. I have my health...except for this IF crap. I have my furry children who give me my 15 minutes of fame every time I walk through the door. I have LOVE.

The reality is, we cannot change what we are enduring. We can only accept it for what it is, and decide to trudge on. Each month means a new beginning, and another chance. One day, we will know why we had to go through all this, but until then, we dance.

Love like you have never been hurt, live like there is no tomorrow, and dance like no one is watching. Our day will come. We just have to believe that. :D

That's my vent....


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