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Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

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Old 01-22-2008, 11:34 AM   #1
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Unhappy Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

Well, it's been a busy morning, so I'm not getting to post this until now. But it's been eating away at me, so I need to say something.

Most of you know a sibling of a close friend that I have known a long has recently died of brain cancer at the young age of 22. He was full of life, dancing in the halls at school, at every party, new gf every week lol and SO smart. So I'm really sad about that; maybe that's another reason why everyhting seems so balck and sad and unfair.

Dh and I sat down and had a real talk yesterday evening, no tv (me) and no videogames (him). Just us, frank, talk. Yesterday (it was NOT my day.) I found out that work, due to a recent merger and my tasks cut down, my hours are being cut from 40hrs to 30hrs a week. I am out SO much money because of that. DH and I, we live in a nice home, but it isn't exactly baby-friendly, so we had been planning on buying a new house. I was thinking about taking a part time job to fill the extra hours, but DH put that idea down right away. He said he really didn't want me workign two jobs and getting tired and anxious.

We went through our finances, and me staying at this job at only 30hrs, isn't going to cut it, even after selling our winter cottage. (most of the moeny we had froom it went to fixing it up and paying off a student loan It sounded so smart then )

I'm going to have to find a new job. And here's what really is the hard part. Dh held my hands and looked so sad and said that he was really sorry, but he really doesn't want to actively (or aggressively, how ever) try for a baby until things on the financial side of our life has calmed down. And as much as it hurts, I agree. I don't want to actively try for a baby if we're unsure about our finances, and I'm going back and forth to interviews and so forth.

I'm really sad and disappointed and it has ruined my entire week. But I feel that I agree with my DH. And if he isn't totally on team with ttc, then I can't be either. But that doesn't mean it hurts any less. I just feel like I'm never going to get my bfp, and we're never going to settle down, that money will keep haunting us, all of us. Even if we're not filthy luxuriously rich, all we want is to be stable. And we can't have that, which means I can't have my babies

So for now, we're going to BD just whenever we feel like, I'll only have Provera from my doctor without the Clomid.

I'm really mad at work for doing this. On top of that, my boss is getting a hundred dollar pay raise (per week) , while I get cut a hundred dollars. I feel like all of my hopes and plans have gone down the toilet.

If you've made it this far, thank you so much for finishing and I am SO sorry to be such a down drab.


Last edited by PrincessSweetNS; 01-22-2008 at 11:39 AM.

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Old 01-22-2008, 11:53 AM   #2
Join Date: Oct 2007
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dannil126 HB User
Re: Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

DONT U dare apologize ever!!! the long talks with our DH can be so hard I think they have it just as hard as us BUT in a very different way. I know they have feelings too, but they dont really get how straining it is on us as the child barers or however its spelled. genny things will eventually turn around for u and the rest of us I just know it. AND i am going to quote my mother here who was a single mother to 3 kids U WILL NEVER HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO HAVE KIDS!!! and if u wait till u do u will never have them... I keep that saying very close to my heart seeing as DH and I certainly arent well off AT all... keep ur chin up someone has to hear our prayers ...someone must. all my love

Old 01-22-2008, 12:43 PM   #3
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douglasap8 HB User
Re: Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

HI Princess, I'm really sorry, it seems like you're having a really tough week. Money is a tough issue when it comes to IF. I suppose in the end it's really you and DH's decision as to how you want to handle it. Some people will do anything including mortgaging thier homes to have the child they want, while others aren't comfortable going into the IF arena unless they are financially stable. It's really a personal decision.

I know you say you're in agreement with DH, but it sounds from your post that you're heart broken by this decision. Perhaps you can take a month or two and see how things go financially? Sometimes we think things are going to be worse than they end of being.

Whatever you decide, I hope your days brighten soon because I feel so bad seeing you so sad. - April

Old 01-22-2008, 12:56 PM   #4
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PrincessSweetNS HB UserPrincessSweetNS HB UserPrincessSweetNS HB User
Re: Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

Hi girls, thanks so much for posting! I am really heart broken, and after reading your posts, I am wondering if this is the right decision. I mean, my grandmother was a seamstress, and had eight children, and they made it just fine. And my Dh's father, his grandmother had 13 children, and they made it. (My question is how come I couldn't get the super-fertile genes? )
I think I'm going to try and talk to Dh again tonight. We woudln't be off TOO much, we could still be comfortable if we lived within our means. I think he just has the white picket fence dream. I don't know. I'm so confused.

Thnk you agian for your posts


PS. Danielle, I think you mother is really right..I've heard that saying before and I think it's true!

Old 01-22-2008, 02:07 PM   #5
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jackstersmom HB User
Re: Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

Princess - I am so sorry about your job-cut. Those things never come at a good time, and it's not fun to have to find a new job. But I sort of agree with Danielle that you will never have enough money for a child. We are just getting by right now with one child in daycare, and we have two more on the way! I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm thinking about quitting my job and starting a daycare so I can be home with my kids and make money because there's no way I can just stay home and have no income. We have too much debt (mainly from infertility treatments) and a high mortgage. Well today my boss told my mom (who I work with) that I should talk to him about a raise or something and try to negotiate something before I decide to quit. Now I have that to think about when I was so happy thinking about being home everyday with my kids. It's so confusing, but I hope you do what you really want to do and I hope you and DH can agree on a compromise. Take care, sweetie!


Old 01-22-2008, 02:52 PM   #6
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hotmama08 HB User
Re: Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

Hi Gigi,
It must have been hard for you to make that decision
I know this fertility thing is not just emotionally draining but it is expensive no matter what kind of insurance you have. I dont have specific answer to your post because it is between you and your DH and I respect that. If it was me and my DH, it would probably be different story.

I am saying that because I work fulltime 36 hours/wk (72hrs in 2 weeks) and where I work, Overtime is not an issue. They want us to work more days than what is required if possible. But since I started this fertility thing, I have been late to work, called in sick, and used all my holidays and vacations to get off work. I do my job very well when Im at work like nothing is going on with my life, yet it is starting to hurt my job. Less hours, coming in late which also means less money but I have no choice. The RE wants me at certain day in the clinic when I am supposed be with at work and even thou some coworker knows and understands what Im going thru, it is hurting them as well that they have to doubletime their job in my absence. My manager wants to meet me tomorrow in the office and I think I already know what the issue is. Wont be a nice day tomorrow

I told DH, that I want to change my status to Part time and just work overtime the days Im free so I have more control on my schedules but he was hesitant coz I might lose all my full time benefits plus we need a full time job incase we will start the IVF which is very costly. Did I say,we are comfortable and happy where we live but we are not rich as well.

And yet, I think I already know what to say to my manager tomorrow if I am asked to make a choice or given Level 1 warning for my frequent absence, I'll simply say that Im doing this Fertility thing and my job is important to me as well but if I have to lose hours, or lose this job to continue this journey, I would do so even thou there is no guarantee because at this very moment, this is the most important thing in my life. And even if God wont give it to me then at least I know, I did all that I can and I will accept that. I just dont wanna miss any opportunity that we might have along the way.......

Sorry this is too long but I hope you will find peace and your DH whatever decisions you'll make. BDing is free My friend's coworker has been doing fertility treatments for 3 years. She was already 41 and decided to stop. 3 months after she got pregnant naturally to healthy baby boy who is now 1 year old. When I heard I about that, it even boost my hopes higher.


Old 01-22-2008, 02:55 PM   #7
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Mapia74 HB User
Re: Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

Oh Princess I am so sorry about all that is going on in your life right now.I swear seems like everything hits us all at once.I totally agree though unless we are rich we will never have enough money for a baby.DH and I live in a 2 bedroom condo which we have no mortgage and it helps SO much but honestly its no place to raise a child maybe only as an infant but then we need a bigger place.We dont even think about that all we want is a baby and then we know everything will fall into place.Just think hard and long and I am sure you will come up with so many solutions and I believe god helps.One time someone asked us why we dont have kids yet well since we dont tell everyoe about IF my answer is always well we dont have our finances straight yet and we dont have enough to provide.He said to me dont worry have kids and god helps you provide.I honestly believe that.I hope you and DH can have a nice talk again and hopefully figure things out.Also you never know sweetie you just might get that BFP without any help from the RE.Try not to be so down I just know things will work out maybe you will get a better job more money etc.Dont worry my good frined god is watching and he will help you.Take care sending you big comforting hugs and know we love you and are always here to listen and help.

Love ya,


Old 01-22-2008, 04:57 PM   #8
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cashahn HB User
Re: Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

Oh Princess Im so sorry you are suffering so much heartache and disappointment, but when things are at there worst and everything I want seems so out of reach I just keep reminding myself "where there's a will, there's a way". I know you have the will and I'm sure you will find the way, and you know what? sometimes the way finds you. So please don't give up hope and always know your not alone and we are here for you always.

Cashahn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Old 01-22-2008, 05:28 PM   #9
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kjmrfld HB User
Re: Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

Oh Princess, I am just now getting to sit and read your post, and it made me so sad to read your first post. Please keep your head up, and hang in there!!

First off -- I totally agree with Danielle... For 99% of us the time is never going to be PERFECT (timewise/financewise) to have kids. I totally understand the hesitation, and of course I am not telling you what you and DH should do, but the two of you will sit down and come to a decision as to what is best for you. It may be tough to come to a decision or to talk about it right this second as the week has been so rough for both of you, and sometimes you need to clear your head first. DH knows how important this is to you, as I'm sure it is to him as well. Maybe the two of you can agree to sit down in a week or so, once you've both had time to deal with everything that's been going on this last week and things have settled a bit.

I am so sorry you are down right now, I am sending you big hugs, and I really hope that things brighten up for you as the week goes on. Know I am thinking about you!


Old 01-22-2008, 09:33 PM   #10
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lizzie786 HB User
Re: Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

Hi Princess, I'm so sorry to hear about your cut in hours, and the upsetting situation you find yourself in. I can so relate to your money issues. I sometimes feel that we are irresponsible to be trying for a baby as we are in such a dire financial situation. With me studying I am only recieving a small scholarship and DH has been unable to find work where we live after losing his last job. We are actually having to rent out our flat for 6 months and stay in my mums house because we are struggling with the mortgage payments, and DH can get lots of work where she lives. I guess we just do what we have to do to get by. The thing is, people have babies whilst living in extreme poverty and everything does work out. Perhaps you could take the emphasis off ttc while you are looking for part time work, and you never know, it may well happen naturally while you are not concentrating on it. You might even find you can cut down on certain things and manage to get by on less money. It's so difficult at first taking a pay cut, but you can sometimes get creative to make ends meet. I so hope things turn around for you sweetie. Maybe you can have another chat with DH. Big hugs. Lizzie.x

Old 01-22-2008, 10:07 PM   #11
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pinkie1 HB User
Re: Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard week. It doesn't seem fair that you're having to cut your hours while your boss gets a raise. Hopefully this won't be anything permanent and you'll be able to get back your hours plus a raise. I'll pray for that.

Deciding to stop ttc is a hard decision to make (I had to make that 1.5 years ago) when I was 1.5 years younger. Although the desire to continue to ttc is still there and is painful to stop, it is good that you and your DH is in agreement. It would be worse if you totally diagreed and had polar opposite desires. It seems like you've worked out somewhat of a compromise with the Provera and clomid. Hopefully that will work and you won't need to pay for expensive IF tx. You never know.

I totally agree with Danielle about having enough $ for kids. Or the best time to have kids. Those are something that just cannot be fully attained, there really is no "right time" to have kids. I believe that God is in control and He will only give you what you can handle. Sure it would be nice to have all your ducks in order but that hardly works for anyone. And just when you think you have enough $ for kids you're gonna need more. Is there
anything(s) that you can cut out of your budget (eatting out, extra shopping, etc) that would help?

I know I didn't offer any new solution to your situation, but I hope you and DH will be at peace with whatever you two decide.


Old 01-22-2008, 10:48 PM   #12
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BeesWife HB User
Re: Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

Princess, I am so sorry about your job.
I know that it's a tough situation and alot to think about right now. You and DH are both overwhelmed. Maybe if you give yourselves some time to get over the intial shock, the idea of TTC might be here sooner than you think.

I bet your next job will pay even more money, with better hours, more vacation time, medical benefits with full IVF coverage, AND paid maternity leave for one year!

Old 01-22-2008, 11:37 PM   #13
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Namibia HB User
Re: Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

Hi Princess I am really sorry to hear about your paycut and then your talk with DH. I knwow how badly you want to have a baby. I agree with Danielle that there is never a good time financially to have a baby but everyone gets thrgh it one way or another. I hope you chat with DH goes well and you can compromise in some way. I hope that everything works out for you both.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Lots of love

PS I hope you have a better day today.

Old 01-23-2008, 07:15 AM   #14
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Re: Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

Oh my girls, my sweet sisters, I could never go on without you. I had to shut my office door, because the wrmth and sincerity of yoru words moved me to tears. Good tears

I'll talk to Dh in a few days about the money situation--- I think both he and I need to talk with clear heads, and this week really isn't opening up any opportuinties for that. He and I had an argument this morning....not at all IF related, just something small and stupide that got blown out of size.

I understand what he is coming from, but I completely agree with what everyone here is saying.... there is never a good time (finance/time) to have a baby. I mean if my seamstress grandmother could provide happily for 8 children then we most certainly can as well. There is a saying that I think echoes across many cultures, and in mine it says "With a baby comes money."

I went through the paycheuqe and everything once more, and you know what? There really isn't a difference in the pay!! So that's one thing I don't have to worry all too much about. Maybe I can keep this job. We will see for now.

Thank you again for all your prayers, thoughts, words and hugs. I was really in a drab place. I'm still sad because of everything (you're right, it's like sometimes everything hits you at once) but at least thanks to you ladies, I can see that everyhting is going to get better and soon.

Old 01-23-2008, 07:17 AM   #15
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praying4us HB User
Re: Had a "talk" with DH... really disappointed.

Gigi, I must start of by saying I am sorry things dont seem to going as planned and down the road you would like them to go.

This decision is such a life altering decision and I will agree with everyone else by saying you will NEVER be prepared financially for kids (of course unless you are rich rich). NOt to mention there is always going to be something you want. We started that mind set when we first got married. We;ll wait another year so we can buy this or that, then when that year rolled around there was something else we wanted because if we had kids then we couldnt aford it. We did that for 3.5 years, now look at us. Married for almost 11 years!! Sometimes we still think alomg those lines, but I would not back out beacause I now want this more than any object that I own. I'd trade my 3200 sq ft home, Lexus SUV, DH's Z06 and truck..everything I own, I'd give ti away if that would mean I'd get a baby in return. None of it matters now and I think back on how silly I was to think that in the first place. Everyone's life is different and everyone's situation is different, but I truely believe that you will enver be ready money wise for kids. Growing up my dad made $18k a year for a family of 4, they always padi cash for cars (althought they were knowed to break down), they owned a home and we had food on the table, but most important, my sister and I were loved. Some people say that that they want their kids to have more than they did. I look back and I didnt need anything and never asked for anything because my mom always bent over backwards for us kids. I look at todays kids that have 6 rooms full of toys, that they dont play with and most of them only want attention from their parents that they dont always get because mom and dad work 12 hours a day to give them want they didnt have. Its one big circle.

I knwo that you and DH will make the right decision for you, like I said, everyones situation is different. I hope you can find peace, sometimes it does help to postpone things for 6 months or so. You can save alot of money and turn things around in a short period of time.


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