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  • Emotional and mental support....please help me help my wife

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    Old 05-06-2009, 05:14 PM   #1
    henry92's Avatar
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    Emotional and mental support....please help me help my wife

    My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past two years. There were a few times where we thought she was pregnant, but wasn't. My wife has started seeing a doctor to go over blood work and start working towards treatment.

    They found her testosterone levels to be high and they found that she had something called a heart shaped uterus. The doctor told my wife that she should have no trouble conceiving once they get the testosterone under control and that the heart shaped uterus wasn't always a problem, but to be aware that it could be an issue. She is currently on birth control to level out the hormones. The plan is to take her off the pills and try to get pregnant the natural way for a few months.

    If anybody wants to comment on the above, please feel free.

    Here is where I need the most help. My wife is somebody who holds on to her emotions. She is so frustrated by the fact that we can't get pregnant, that she actually told me not to tell her if I found out that anybody is pregnant. She hated the fact that people we knew were having babies, so she told me to keep that news to myself.

    As much as I didn't want to, I respected her wishes. When a close co-worker told me that she was pregnant five weeks ago, I didn't share this info with my wife. I figured that she would just find out on her own, thank me for respecting her wishes, be sad for a day or two, and move on.

    Today, I received a phone call from a former co-worker and close friend. He was calling to tell me that his wife was pregnant. Then, he handed the phone to another former co-worker...another friend, who told me she was pregnant with her second child.

    As it turns out, my current co-worker is going public with her pregnancy this weekend. The former co-worker's wife is going public with her pregnancy tomorrow. The other former co-worker may already be public, but my wife doesn't know about this yet.

    Here is where I stand. My wife is going to find out that not one, not two, but THREE people she knows well....are having babies. She seemed to fall into a mild depression when she last found out that somebody we knew was pregnant. I am worried for her mental well being when she finds out that three people we know are going to have babies....and she finds out within 2-4 days.

    What can I do? I want to be supportive for her, but I don't want to pretend the world doesn't exist. Our situation sucks. I get it. We're not alone though. Others have survived and so can we. I say that when/if we have a baby, it will be that much more special.

    Are there any special types of mental health counselors that deal with infertility and the mental strain it puts on a relationship?

    Thank you very much.


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    Old 05-06-2009, 08:03 PM   #2
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    Re: Emotional and mental support....please help me help my wife


    I can totally relate to how your wife feel, but I choose to pretend rather than to avoid. I haven't told any friends that we are struggling with infertility. My younger sister just "accidently" got pregnant last year and she deliverved a baby this year. What can I do???? I had to put smiles on my face, went to visit the baby, and did the whole thing...All the females in my department have at least two kids, I am the only who has none... I can't avoid this suject with them.

    I think you should talk to your wife and explain the whole situation to her. She'll hear those baby news from someone else sooner or later anyway. How is she going to react? You should also ask her RE to recommend a counselor for you, they usually know a reliable one.

    Take care


    Old 05-07-2009, 04:03 AM   #3
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    Re: Emotional and mental support....please help me help my wife

    I know the pain of infertility all too well and I remember when it felt like everyone was getting pregnant around me except for me. When I was going through it 3 years ago, I had gone through 1 fresh IVF cycle unsuccessfully before finding out that my cousin (who already had a son) had announced that she was pregnant. Then I did a frozen cycle (that also didn't work) and during that time, my mother fell ill and as I went through another fresh cycle, she passed on which nearly destroyed me. Just before this devastating news, I found out that my sister-in-law who already had 3 kids was pregnant and a friend was pregnant with her 2nd! But then, that cycle worked and I was the one who was pregnant! Soon after, one of my best friends became pregnant with her 2nd (after the very 1st month of trying~which was also true for her 1st) and 5 months later, my twin sister was also pregnant after her very 1st month of trying as well. At that time, I was able to share in all their joy but at the same time I kind of felt cheated, like this miracle that I worked so hard for just came so easily to everyone else and it felt like it was no big deal to all of them, although for me, it really was. There was nothing I could do before and during my pregnancy except to move on with my own life, stop comparing myself to everyone else, and focus on what was happening to me and the unique situation I was being faced with. Even my mother's death laid very heavy on my mental state, but I had to pick myself up and look to the future and with her death, came new life for me. I named my daughter after my mom.
    Here's a recap of my current situation. When I was trying for a 2nd baby, I had to go through IVF again and it took my nearly all of 2008 and a heavy heart of disappointment to realize it may not happen. I did one fresh IVF that summer and got pregnant but lost it right away. As I was going through this miscarraige, I found out that my twin sister was pregnant with her 2nd after trying (AGAIN) only ONE month!!! I then did a frozen cycle that fall, transferring 3 embryos to increase our chances, thinking we'd get pregnant with at least 1, and none took. That was a very hard pill to swallow but it got worse when I then found out my sister-in-law was pregnant AGAIN with her 5th!!!! I took a break, refocused on my life: my husband and my daughter and tried to get through the holidays without the stress of infertility weighing so heavily on my soul. Then, in early January of this year, we did another frozen cycle (transferring 3 again) and we are now pregnant with twins!!
    So, to make a long story short, I know the pain. I lived it. (And these were people in my life that were much closer to me than co-workers!) But I also know the flip side, the success it can bring and the miracle that in and of itself is the most amazing wonder of it all, even if no one else around you can really understand or appreciate it as much. Life can be cruel and hard and seem impossible to get through at times, but it's those situations I've realized that makes us stronger. Yes, infertility has changed me, but it has never broken me, and I will be a better person and a better mother for going through it. Hopefully, you will not even need to go through the IVF cycles I had to endure and you will get pregnant on your own, soon. And, you and your wife will see...when it finally happens, all of the other pregnant people around you will seem so insignificant compared to the wonderous miracle you are experiencing. I wish you all the best!!
    P.S. Something your wife can do to get through all of this is to come on here, read our stories, our struggles and our successes, and realize she is not alone. There are some books that have personal infertility stories that may also be inspirational. I agree that some counseling may also be good but sometimes, it's easier to annonymously come to places like this. This board has done wonders for me when I had no one else to turn to. Here, women understand and can relate and there are no embarrasing meetings to go to or appointments to just log on whenever you want.

    Old 05-07-2009, 07:48 AM   #4
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    Re: Emotional and mental support....please help me help my wife

    I think some of the advice from the previous posters was very good. Suggest to your wife that she join a board like this one. Look for books about infertility. See if your RE has any suggestions for counselors. I would also add a couple. If you are having some testing done at a fertility center, see if they offer any groups that one or both of you could attend. Refocus on a positive aspecty of your relationship and make sure you take time for it- whether it's hiking, going to the movies, taking day trips, whatever. Just make sure you try to take some time together that's not fully focused on babies/pregnancy/infertility. I would also try to have an open conversation with your wife about her wishes to not be told when others are pregnant. Acknowledge how hard it must be to hear that news, but be honest that this puts you in a difficult situation when you know the news will eventually come out. Dont't try to talk her out of her feelings...they are what they are. Just find out what else you could do to support her in dealing with this type of news, as it can't always be avoided.

    Old 06-19-2009, 06:44 PM   #5
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    Re: Emotional and mental support....please help me help my wife

    Henry- I am sorry you are going through this and you seem to be a very loving and understanding husband BUT you are right there is always going to be women getting pregnant and your wife really needs to understand that she has to be happy for them. I truely feel and i have heard this from many people the more they stopped worrying so much about getting pregnant and relaxing they did get pregnant. There is a high possibility that stress is causing her to not be able to get pregnant also. I would suggest you have her talk to someone a close friend,family or a councler sometimes getting out your fears and worries helps you drop your stress. Let her know this and tell her being stress free however she can do this is going to help her get pregnant that is a fact with many women i know. Good luck to you and I hope you are blessed with a baby in the future.

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