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  • Called off marriage, can't cope

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    Old 10-11-2019, 02:06 PM   #1
    brokengirl1234
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    Called off marriage, can't cope

    I called off my wedding 4 weeks before it was due. I have been with my ex partner for nearly 5 years. After first year together (we lived in separate cities and he used to visit me) he told me that he had a fiancee and he lives with her. I was heartbroken and broke up with him for few months. He begged me to come back and I eventually did. We had ups and downs, I broke up with him one more time a year after because I found out that he has been texting other girls. He then begged me and promised he will never do it again. Then again I forgave him and we got back together after few months.
    We were okay for few years but I always had a feeling that something is not right in our relationship. I couldnt really put a finger on it. We bought a house and a dog. We were very happy with a dog, he was like our baby. We were doing everything for him. He had lots of health issues though. We got engaged and planned a wedding. I was the only one doing it but I wasnt very excited about it. My ex fiance didnt seem to be too excited too but he agreed to marry me in the country I am from. That was very brave of him as he doesnt speak the language and was about to marry in front of other people which he doesnt know. He is quite shy person.
    Everything was fine until around 5 weeks before the wedding. We started having more fights and communication issues.
    I started having doubts about our relationship. We have recently opened business and it didnt do well at all. My ex was very stressed and I was too. Money was an issue and it was going down very quick. One evening I called my fiance and said that I want to call off the wedding. I felt like we lost our way and drifted apart. I though about it after, apologised and said that I didn't mean it. Week after that, I was constantly thinking if i should marry him. I had doubts. I asked God to give me a sign that I should not do it- my dog died 2 days later!!! The dog I loved the most in the world. I was devastated. I though to myslef that it has to be a sign from God.
    I started feeling very weird. 3 nights I couldnt sleep, literally not even a minute I was able to keep my eyes closed. I was very anxious and it felt like I had a heavy weight on my chest. I was constantly debating if I should marry him. On the third night my ex sleptalked and said "someone said DONT DO THAT". I froze. I started shaking. I was thinking, is it another sign?
    Next day I couldnt take it any longer, wrote a letter to my ex fiance where I said how I feel. I have destroyed it though. I spoke to him later and said to my that I dont want wedding. He was shocked and wanted me to change my mind. I didnt want to listen. After that conversation I felt like weight of my chest was gone. I broke up everything and called off wedding. I felt great until the day which our wedding was mean to take place. Since that day I struggle with depression, I constantly blame myslef, feel guilty and ashamed. I disappointed my family, friends and my ex fiance.
    We tried ferrying back together but somehow I couldnt do it. I felt like there is some kind of a wall I cant climb to be with him again. Very strange. He tried for nearly 2 months to get me back. Twice I said yes and the changed my mind. I couldnt get my head around things. I was so lost and confused.
    Lately I started missing him and wanted him back. He said it's too late and I feel terrible. I feel like I am crazy and lost my chance for marriage and good life.
    Do you think I might be mentally I'll or that was my gut feeling telling me not to do it?
    I am 31.

     
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    Old 10-11-2019, 04:34 PM   #2
    TreeFrog
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    Re: Called off marriage, cant cope

    Dear brokengirl,

    He is not the last man on earth or your last possible chance for a mate to be happy with.

    I think that in your heart you know you could not trust that the relationship was worth fighting for. He deceived both you and his fiance; his cheating and texting showed you very plainly that he is dishonest and his words are not trustworthy. That all did happen. It isn't as if you made it all up in your mind. Don't let his lying lips confuse you.

    You don't seem to have been really OK with him during those years because you always felt something was not right. You planned the wedding because he said he would show up?
    Trust must be earned. It isn't something we should just give regardless a person's bad behavior or begging. Wasn't his own behavior what created your distrust of him?

    Pets do pass away, unfortunately. That has nothing at all to do with whether the man was worth your trust. A trustworthy person proves it by his own behaviors. That man never earned your trust, you just chose to give it. You know in your heart that you needed to be free of the guy that might not have even shown up for the wedding, going by his track record. Now that he doesn't have you it's easy for him to say he would have.

    You know the truth in your heart that your real pain is the loss of your pup and that the guy is not worth fretting over. Get your mind on to other things. Cry and when you feel better find yourself a healthy dog or maybe a cat. Plenty of animals need loving homes.

    You are OK. Don't let that guy make you feel sorry for him. Wait for a guy that puts his heart into action showing YOU that he cares for you. If he doesn't act on it on his own it is not real.

     
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    Old 10-12-2019, 01:03 AM   #3
    brokengirl1234
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    Re: Called off marriage, cant cope

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by TreeFrog View Post
    Dear brokengirl,

    He is not the last man on earth or your last possible chance for a mate to be happy with.

    I think that in your heart you know you could not trust that the relationship was worth fighting for. He deceived both you and his fiance; his cheating and texting showed you very plainly that he is dishonest and his words are not trustworthy. That all did happen. It isn't as if you made it all up in your mind. Don't let his lying lips confuse you.

    You don't seem to have been really OK with him during those years because you always felt something was not right. You planned the wedding because he said he would show up?
    Trust must be earned. It isn't something we should just give regardless a person's bad behavior or begging. Wasn't his own behavior what created your distrust of him?

    Pets do pass away, unfortunately. That has nothing at all to do with whether the man was worth your trust. A trustworthy person proves it by his own behaviors. That man never earned your trust, you just chose to give it. You know in your heart that you needed to be free of the guy that might not have even shown up for the wedding, going by his track record. Now that he doesn't have you it's easy for him to say he would have.

    You know the truth in your heart that your real pain is the loss of your pup and that the guy is not worth fretting over. Get your mind on to other things. Cry and when you feel better find yourself a healthy dog or maybe a cat. Plenty of animals need loving homes.

    You are OK. Don't let that guy make you feel sorry for him. Wait for a guy that puts his heart into action showing YOU that he cares for you. If he doesn't act on it on his own it is not real.
    Thank you for your reply. It really made me feel better about my situation. I didn't really trust him 100%. He always used to hide his phone and when I just asked to show me what he is doing, he would be very defensive, saying that there is no point in relationship if I dont trust him with it. When I broke up with him few years back, he promised he will always show me his phone when I am concerned. So that shows that he never kept his promises.
    I hope I will fond someone one day. At the moment I am devastated because I lost marriage, house, dog. I am on my own.

     
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    Old 10-12-2019, 07:05 AM   #4
    Chainsoflove
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    Re: Called off marriage, cant cope

    Hi Brokengirl1234,

    I am sorry to hear about the loss of your dog. Go to the shelters and find another one. You need that comfort, and I feel your emotions, such as sadness, will go away.

    You need some time to yourself to figure out who you are. The single life gives people the opportunity to really get to know themselves. Don't think of your ex all the time. Just focus on yourself and talk to a friend about it. Have faith in yourself. The other thing is to love yourself, despite it all.

     
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    Old 10-12-2019, 09:05 AM   #5
    TreeFrog
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    Re: Called off marriage, cant cope

    Hi girl,

    I removed the word broken because I don't at all believe you are broken.

    Yes, you're sad and angry, but you are acting like a rational, whole and healthy-minded person that is facing facts. Take some time to grieve the loss of your pet and be happy you escaped from that guy without bringing an innocent child into the picture.

    As you now understand, he was right about one thing only and that is there was no point to the relationship because HE is not trustworthy. That is about him, not about you.

    Untrustworthy people never take responsibility for their actions. Trustworthy people can make mistakes, but they own it and admit it and change their behavior. That guy blames you for the results of his choices and so he is the one getting the consequences. Don't believe he really cares. He cares only about himself. If he was mature and responsible he would just admit he is an idiot and it's not your fault. But, now, even if he spoke those words I would NOT trust him to understand what he did or to change.

    If you need to see someone's phone to know they are behaving you don't need that person in your life at all.

    Keep in mind you did lose your dog and grieve your dear pup. But you did not lose a marriage at all. You didn't have a marriage. Be thankful you found out in time to avoid a bad marriage.

    Keep your mind on the facts and you will feel a lot better faster. Keep your eyes open, girl. Let go of where you have been and consider where you are headed. Make sure a person is trustworthy before getting involved. Forget anybody that flatters you and doesn't even know you.

    Attraction by itself is pointless. Don't accept anyone's advances until you know his character well. That means be friends, first.
    Relationships don't just happen, we make them what they are. You go, girl! You are already mending.

     
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    Old 10-12-2019, 12:59 PM   #6
    brokengirl1234
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    Re: Called off marriage, can't cope

    Thank you everyone 😊

     
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    Old 10-14-2019, 04:58 PM   #7
    jasamuel
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    Re: Called off marriage, can't cope

    Looks like you did the right thing. It may seem wrong but your gut is telling you the marriage wouldn't work out for either party involved.

     
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