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6Blues 08-10-2006 06:08 PM

ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
I can't think of a single reason for me to wake up tomorrow and fight this battle for another day.

I think you went through something like this ... last year? How'd you make it through?

I firmly believe that my brain tissue was/is infected. I have noticed crying spells, laughing fits and Lyme rages, etc, that were not part of my baseline personality. I wonder if my current mental state can be attributed to a brain/emotional/hormonal Herx?

Did you consider your thoughts of dread & depression to be direct effect of the disease?

My house, my body, my kids and my life are a stinking train wreck.

I stopped going to church. I see no reason. It doesn't give me comfort. I just get angry. I lost my faith and I don't really miss it. I tried crocheting - not for me. I miss my dog Blue terribly.

I can't garden or sit outside. Friends ran away when I got sick. Driving to the beach just makes me more depressed as I view it as something I cannot enjoy anymore.

I tried reading books on managing long term illness. Although they had great sound advice, they didn't help all that much.

My kids spent two weeks up at their Dad's in July and had a blast. I wonder if it would be best for them to not have such a sick mom.

I'm better than last year (maybe 20% better), but this is too much for me to fight. I'm so tired of it. This August starts my third year in my war against Lyme. I just want it to stop.

I have no joy or happiness in my life.

p.s. If I am thinking of someone else and it wasn't you - my apologies! I know someone here had these same thoughts and feelings.

lymiesarah 08-10-2006 07:23 PM

Re: ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
hi there. i don't know if you were specifically thinking about my posts or not but i know that i have written posts like this so maybe you were thinking of me. i have had thoughts like this many times. i have been sick for ten years and have only known it is lyme for a little over a year. last year the thoughts got really bad, the worst they ever were. they were so bad that they scared me, and i was scared to be alone. i was starting to not trust myself anymore... and then i read something interesting .. it was an account of someone who was being treated for lyme, ...she talked about how she started a med and after that all she could think about was death... nothing else... it was extremely unlike her to think or feel that way and she realised that it was a side effect of the lyme that was causing these thoughts to occur.

of course when we feel this way, it isn't always comforting to know that it is the disease that is doing it, because either way we have to deal with the way it feels inside. i cant honestly say for sure what it was that helped me through those times, sometimes i would just cry and get angry and throw things and that sounds crazy but sometimes its ok to be crazy. you say that your kids would be better without a sick mother... well i am sure if they had the choice between you being well and you being sick they would want you to be well but if the choice was you being sick or you not being there they would want you there... in any way you can be there.

i know when i feel that way and i try to talk to someone, i get the same stuff... oh you will be fine, don't worry or a lot of people have it worse, or things will get better... maybe some of those things are true but they don't really help so i am not going to say any of those things to you... the truth is always better and the truth is LYME DISEASE SUCKS.. and we have to deal with it every day and some days getting out of bed is impossible but we HAVE TO! we just have to keep going.

last year my depression got really bad... i was home alone and really scared i would hurt myself.. i went on the suicide hotline website and i read something that changed the way i thought about things. it said that people sometimes kill themself because they think that it will end their pain, but they don't really know what will happen to them once they are gone.. we could never say for sure... the truth is we really only know what is going to happen NOW. we have to make the best of this time.

lately i have felt myself slipping back into depression and i don't want it to get as bad as last year. i thought maybe i would see a therapist that is trained in helping people with chronic illness. i used to always say "when i get better " this or that... thinking of all the things i would do when i got better.. then one day i told myself i might never get better.. this might be it for me.. i might not ever be able to finish school and be a professor like i have always wanted.. i have to figure out a way to live my life as a sick person and then one day if i do get better, then that's that.. but i cant count on it... after i started thinking that way, things have been a lot better for me... even though accepting it has been difficult.

we just have to keep trying for each other. other people don't understand ..... but here we do. we have to just be strong for each other.. because every time one of us gives up, there is a little piece of the rest of us that does too.

Pearlscale 08-10-2006 08:21 PM

Re: ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
Sometimes the only way to take this disease is second by second. Hope tomorrow will be hours by hours. Just remember it is this horrible lyme bacteria and not you. There is an answer, maybe not now but it will come.
The Kids need you. YOU. Not some memory. Remember that.

J0J0 08-10-2006 09:32 PM

Re: ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
[COLOR="RoyalBlue"][B][I]Hi Blues ...sounds like you are having a real low right will pass....I think maybe you have read alot of our post where we talk of being mentally out there and not wanting to live and doing ourselves in ....It is such a scary place to be just keep at it...keep fighting...You have your little ones to think of...and they need their mommy!!! It took me 6 years of being full head on cocktail antibiotics to get where I can walk and talk...yes I still have problems ...mentally...there is someghing so wrong...and I have been off of med's for a year...I wanted to give up ...I took a break and have decided....hey I might have 20 more years of life left so I had better try some med's again...this time I am going to start off with Dr. J's alternative like Wackowoman and Dejavue has done...We all have to keep trying...

If one way isn't doing you any good then try another to your doctor and try something different or the alternative...but you just can't give up....

BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


itsmylife 08-10-2006 10:53 PM

Re: ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
Hi Six. It was 100 percent pure anger that allowed me to get through it. I took the disease very personally.

I have a lot to say about this and it is difficult to know where to start.
I contracted the disease at 12 and it was mis-diagnosed as viral meningitis and was never treated as Lyme Disease.

The following year at age 13 I really noticed anxiety for the first time and every year after that things became stranger. The thing was, I was so young, not only was I not in touch with my body, but I truly did not have enough life experience to remember what I should have been feeling like. I continued to ignore what I felt. The fatigue, hiding from social situations constantly, my loss of compassion, etc. So, I just accepted the way I felt and never understood it. As I got into my 20s it became worse, and when I attempted to take up bodybuilding to feel better, I noticed I could not function like the others; I made very little progress and always felt weak. My turning point was when I noticed a significant decrease in strength after a few years of bodybuilding. Now I had a point of reference, I was now in tune with how my body was functioning a few years ago and knew something was definitely wrong. I had nothing in side my muscles any more, nothing to tighten inside the muscle no matter what I ate. I resorted to eating meal very high in saturated fats and refined carbs. This was the only way I could get into the gym and function at all. When I learned about the foods that allowed me to function I researched them. Fats are energy already- they need very little breaking down to be used for energy. Refined carbs also need very little breaking down to be used for energy. I knew my body with not making energy properly and needed to find out how to resolve it.
As the years passed I experimented with stimulants and the foods mentioned earlier and eventually had to abuse ephedrine in order to get to the gym with any energy and I still felt like I was about to die. The ephedrine was thinning my blood and increasing my heart rate. It was flooding my muscles with blood and energy. As soon as the ephedrine wore off, my muscles shrunk within hours and I felt ill.

I could feel that I felt polluted inside. I felt like my muscles were clogged with something that was blocking the breakdown and distribution of nutrients. I had always thought I had "neurological Lyme." I realized, there is no such thing. The lyme was living in my tissues the entire time since I was 12 and that is why the fatigue continued to worsen along with my neurological symptoms. I was so clogged; it was even hard to stand up from the couch.

It only made sense to rid my muscles or "tissues" of the bacteria which was interrupting the way my body worked. I knew if I could get it out, I would have to improve. I did more research and realized I needed to strengthen my immune system. The thing was, I didn’t really understand what the immune system was. But when I began taking Andrographis and drinking Detox tea, I felt a burst of strength, followed by a horrible polluted feeling. I would then get an episode of anxiety that would leave me lost in my own house. I knew this was a herx. I knew it was dead bacteria. I started a system of taking the supplements and then taking a detox bath with baking soda and peroxide. When I got into the first bath, every finger in my hand began to twitch. My toes, my eyelids...I knew then, that all I had to do was continue this cycle and I had a wave of relief. All of a sudden I wanted to talk to people and ask them how they were doing. I actually wanted to watch the Jay Leno show... I said, my god, this is what it’s all about? This is what I have been missing. I started this protocol a year and a half ago and every single week something better happens to me. Two weeks ago I took my kids out for ice cream. In the past I never bought and for myself because it just didn’t bring me pleasure. Well, I bought one and when I tasted it, it was so good, it made me feel so satisfied, I felt an emotion connected to a taste...I was absolutely blown away. I realized for the first time in my life why people enjoy ice cream so much. I just shook my head and thought, what else is going to happen to me? What other revelations am I going to experience. How many other things has this disease stolen from me.

I must say, that in the beginning when I was using immune system boosters without detox baths, I did not think I was going to make it. I had anxiety attacks was horrible. It would change in severity from day to day..

I guess what I am trying to explain is that this disease resides in the body’s tissues. The more bacteria that accumulate, the more energy it must rob from your body. The spirochetes make waste products just like any other living creature, and all of that poison goes right into your body. It does reach a point where it has no where to go and backs up like a clogged toilet. The body can't break it down properly and excrete it as quickly as it accumulates- especially in cases where the disease has had years with a head start.

Say the disease has had ten years without treatment.
I picture the disease in terms of numbers-

10x10 = 100, 100x100 = 1000, 1000 x 1000= 10,000 10,000 x 10,000= 100,000

If the disease has enough time to accumulate, even if you are medicated there still may be enough resistant bacteria to multiply at the same rate you are ridding your body, leaving your spinning your wheels.

Dead bacteria seem equally harmful as live bacteria if they are still trapped in the body. The key is to get them out and you can only do that by gradually bringing your immune system back to where it was prior to the disease. Detox every day if possible.

In the beginning, everything felt like it was short circuiting, but it doesn’t take long before you start to feel the depression and feelings of hopelessness disappear, and then you begin to feel strength. As you get stronger, your mind also starts to feel better. The strength represents the reduction of bacteria and waste products in your tissues, and you mood elevations begin to take effect as your blood has less toxic poison flowing to the brain. Once you have all the bacteria out of the tissues, you have no more poison in your blood affecting the impulses of your nerves in the brain.

It’s a slow process but you can do it. If you weren’t a fighter you wouldn’t be here. I was able to do it because I finally got angry. I was angry and sick of feeling hopeless and if there was just one chance of me finally figuring it out, I was going to take it and run with it.

The truth is, I didn't know what depression and anxiety was because I always had it along with this disease. I didn't know any other way of feeling. I thought every one else felt like me but acted in a different way. How else could I know any different? I was so young when it all started and it just progressed so slowly.

I don't mean to say that antibiotics don't work for some people, but for me, this theory made sense and worked. 18 months ago, I had difficulty placing a fork from the sink into the dishwasher. Today I mowed the lawn, weed whacked, cleaned the entire house and changed the sheets on the bed. I trimmed the hedges and then went to see a movie. I was on a tread mill yesterday and went to the gym the day before. I feel a little anxious because I know I over did it just a little, but after a good nights sleep, I will start again and maybe not go quite so hard.

Also, through the darkest days in the beginning, I was very, very fortunate to have a script for xanax that helped me reduce anxiety from the herx reactions.

I really hope this helps. If you have a disease and don't know how to fight, it is the most hopeless feeling in the world. I have no doubt in my mind that you can beat this and get your life back, quite possibly better then before.

dealer1111 08-11-2006 05:22 AM

Re: ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
Sorry to hear how you feel. But I want you to know I was as low if not lower then how you feel.

About five years ago before I knew what I had I was becoming paralized, lost much of my hearing to a loud ringing, my vission was going, had blind spells.

I wanted to die more then anything. But understanding life I know taking it is wrong, so I left it up to time. Not God, not me, not my wife, but time to heal...

I have to say lyme alters who you are, what you think, and how you act. You are NOT THE SAME PERSON WHILE IN THE DEPTHS OF THIS DISEASE.

I believe I have lost my marriage, but in exchange I have gained so much. I am richer today then I have ever been. And without this illness I could have never seen this.

Yes it will be a hard road ahead, many downs, a few ups, but as treatment progresses you'll feel better and better.

It took me about 4 years to start to get my life back, but the road, well a road well traveled is a road earned in life. When you look back when you have better days, you will love your kids more, the sky, the flowers, and for me, everything around me is sweater, prettier, and has more meaning than any that has not suffered can understand.

Please keep you eyes to this road, its there, in front of you, and yes, you will have many better days, and when they come thank the lord then, while you're mad, sad, and confused, the lord still walks with you, maybe caring you.

Don't forget to look at the prints in the sand, I'm sure you heard this, if there is only one set of prints when you look back, maybe their not yours, but the lords carring you. When you see two prints, he has set you back on your feet, to travel your road again, never alone, but always alone to find out who you really are.

Sorry your going through so much, many days, months, and years there was no hope anywhere for me, just a day that passed. Good luck. Today I am happy for now. But the road that lays ahead can always change.

J0J0 08-11-2006 06:51 AM

Re: ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
[COLOR="RoyalBlue"][B][I]ItsmyLife and Ekim.....WOW you two are shining stars!!! You both are growing so much and what awesome lives you both have ahead of you....:D

awwww....the lessons we learn through this ......[/I][/B][/COLOR]

6Blues 08-11-2006 03:34 PM

Re: ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
Sarah, thanks. It may have been your posts that I was trying to remember. Pretty bad of me if I canít discern male from female.

Thatís interesting about the Lyme affecting thoughts of death. I donít know if thatís it or I am just fed up with fighting this disease and not getting anywhere.

That statement you read about people killing themselves to get rid of the pain is striking Ė like to make a decision to exist and suffer or not to exist at all.

I also thought about seeing a therapist who specializes in helping people with long term illness. Stupid me Ė Iíve made that same suggestion to folks here on this board and I canít muster up the mental energy/lucidity to do it myself.

I have a long long list of things to do ďwhen I get betterĒ. It never occurred to me to try to make the most of my current state because my current state may the best I ever get. You are so mature to think of it that way. Thatís a great attitude and I know of a few others here who share that with you.

Maybe Iím just childish in not accepting that this is the best I will ever be.

I wonít give up but I sure want to.

<><><><><> :angel:
Mike, Iím glad you reminded me that I am not the same person and I may be in the arms of God right now and not even know it. I remember now, when you went that horrible time. I am so glad you made it! Would you mind once again telling me the brand of that brown algea you take?

<><><><><> :angel:
Itsmylife, you speak such wisdom. Thanks. I cried so hard when I read your words Ė I cried for me, for you .. for all of us. I am so glad your point of reference has changed and now you know all about ice cream. You did this all on your own: the identification, the research and the hard work. I pray that your personal life turns out as good.

Although I can be cynical towards some supplements, I would like to try some of the stuff you used. Iíll go back and re-read your post about how you beat Lyme.

Can you recommend a good brand of Andrographis and detox tea?

<><><><><> :angel:
Marsha Ė you are right. Minute by minute, hour by hour. Being here sick as their mom is better than not being here at all. Thanks.

<><><><><> :angel:
jojo Ė you are also correct in that is always something else to try if I am not getting any improvement. Iíve been on the Levaquin for 2 months now. Iíll give it 4 more. I could go to IV or Dr. Js protocol even.

<><><><><> :angel:
ďPick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.Ē Onward Ö

slowdeath 08-11-2006 05:40 PM

Re: ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
itmylife-hit the nail on the head. detox is so imoortant.when you go at it the everything is so up and down at first. feel better -feel bad - feel better - feel worse - feel better - feel little better - feel good - feel bad - feel worse - feel better. but as you go, the bumps get smaller and smaller. you gotta have passion to beat this , and you gotta give110 percent - persistence,persistance,percistance. detox has to done continuosly - and minerals and suppliments are a must. OUT WITH THE BAD_IN WITH THE GOOD
i started detoxing a month ago. i ran detox baths as hot as i could stand and soaked as long as i could tolerate twice a day. they really helped my symptoms. i also take many supliments-cats claw-vitamin c-fish oils-primerose oil-olive leaf-coq10-salt pills-vitamin d-taurene-acidophilus-garlic-milk thissle-b6-cayenne-white willow- and doxycycline. before i started all this all i focused on was dying-i wouldnt go out of town for the fear i wouldnt be able to make it back to my family. in the last month ive went from zero to sixty. i noticed such a difference from the detox baths that last week i bought a sauna. ive been doing sauna therapy twice a day -everyday-for a week now. i havent felt this good since i first got sick. THERE IS LIFE AFTER LYME! you can beat this with diet-exercise-detox. little steps will win the race. be patient-be strong-u can do this.
here's a BIG HUG from me to you. hang in there.:p

6Blues 08-11-2006 08:11 PM

Re: ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
slowdeath, thanks for the reminder to take those baths.

I'll start tonight.

sleeperwoken 08-12-2006 07:37 AM

Re: ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
6blues, I'm thinking of you. Your post makes my heart break for you, I know you're suffering emotionally and physically and I can relate to how you feel. I wish I could give some comforting words. I will write again later, I am on my way out the door to a funeral for a young woman who died of cancer, she had two toddlers, I feel so bad for her family.

I will be back here as soon as I can to write more, but I want to tell you that I just did a quick search of levaquin and depression and I came up with more than 100,000 hits. One guy wrote:

"I was prescribed Levaquin, since I also suffer from depression, I at first did not realize that my episodes of depression and anxiety were greatly amplified and occurred more frequently witin a day after beginning a 14 day course of treatment. I know the Levaquin caused my condition to deteriorate because I immediately felt better after the drug was withdrawn. To give you an idea of the state of mind in which I found myself, I became convinced that I had only months to live. I put my business up for sale and made a number of other stupid decisions. It was only by the grace of God that the deal fell apart just as I was regaining my grasp of reality. I believe Levaquin should be prescribed only as a last resort, and the prescribing doctor should require his patient to check in with him every few days as a safeguard."

He was not the only one, there were thousands like this. Would you please consider switching? I know that the levaquin has been helpful in killing the lyme, but you can come back to it in the future. Maybe your body would do well to have some time off from it.

big hug for you, sleeperwoken

6Blues 08-12-2006 10:25 PM

Re: ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
sleeper: Thank you so much for taking the time to post those words on your way to a funeral. What a terrific person you are to write to me! Thank you.

I could kick myself for not thinking to do a search on Levaquin + depression. I am glad you did it for me. :)

What a simple way to see if my mental state is impacted by the Levaquin. A few days rest from abx should tell.

Thank you again and I will say a prayer that those little children find peace and happiness in life.

sleeperwoken 08-14-2006 06:53 PM

Re: ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
How ya feelin', bluesie? I was a little worried about you. I saw you wrote a really beautiful and encouraging post to cindy earlier today, so I'm hoping you're doing better. Did you stop the levaquin at all, or are you just hanging in there with it?

Sending you a hug, hoping you're well today.

6Blues 08-16-2006 09:24 AM

Re: ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
Hi sleeper and thanks for thinking of me. :) I am feeling better as far as my mental state.

I agree that a break from the Levaquin may be in order.

But then I think, well, I have noticed that my rashes may be on a Herx schedule.

If they are (I've seen a whole cycle of coming and going and coming again) ... then I'd prefer to stick it out. Thats the first official Herx cycle I've ever seen and thats the proof I need to know in my heart that one of my medicines is working.

Also, my brain feels more clear since starting the Levaquin.

Lastly, I have had feelings of complete despair before starting the Levaquin. They may not have been as severe, but I have had periods of wanting to give up. Maybe the Levaquin is killing bacteria in my brain or my glands, affecting my nuerotransmitters?

So I may have talked myself into staying on it. Me .. make a decision? LOL - give me a week or two.

I see my LLMD today. I will discuss with her. I supposed taking a 7 day reprieve won't do any harm.

Also, it may be my vain human nature kicking in "Oh no. I don't suffer from side effects. No, not me." sheesh - sometimes I can be my own worst enemy.

Sometimes I wish I would wake up, and find on the floor next to my bed, a book. The title is "Dear Mickie, here is your instruction book for a happy healthy life. Love from God."

Then I'd know exactly what to do. :)

Roman77 08-20-2006 09:23 PM

Re: ItsMyLife - question about depression & emotional stuff
hello there mickie...i just wanted to tell you knot to beat yourself up about feeling so down. it's hard after being so sick for so long to not have moments where we sit in a heap and feel like it's pointless. i know i've been there, was just there 2 days ago in fact, but the important thing to remember is there is really a reaon for everything that happens in our life. we're in a big picture and right now we can only see a pinhole of the artwork. maybe later down the road we'll see more and more and realize why we could only see that pinhole years ago. all i can say is you will be stonger, more compassionate, and probably live life to the fullest having had to travel this road. at least that's my hope for all of us on this road. i trust that god has that in his plan, and by the way i would love to find a copy of a book like yours in the morning when i wake up too....but i'll settle for what i know; that we're never alone, we're loved completely, and there are only good things planned for us. sometimes i think that points in our lives like this are the paths we need to walk to truly live our life like he planned for us, that we'll enjoy the sunshine, our families and friends, our health, and so much more then if we hadn't gone through this transformation. i guess i feel like i'm living in a coocoon some days and soon i'll be a butterfly free to live my life in a whole new way. whereas if i hadn't become sick i mights have just stayed a catepillar my whole life not know ing what i was really missting. don't know if that makes much sense. but i am glad that you feel a bit better, i hope it keeps up. but if you need to cry, let it out. we're all hear for you. :)


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