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    Old 11-17-2003, 12:53 PM   #1
    miller01
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    Question anyone have hubby going thru midlife too?

    Ok ladies. I don't know whether I am peri- or menipausal, but something is going on. I am 39 and hubby is 43. We have been married for 19 years. Most of those years have been great. Within the past four years, after the birth of our second child, he has gone bezerk. His memory is gone, he is verbally attacking me, his ego seems to be inflated EVEN THOUGH his problems are brought on by him alone, he doesn't want sex (at least with me) and I could care less. Who wants to be intimate with someone that just cuts you down? How exciting and romantic is that?

    I am interested in hearing from you if you have, or had, experienced "the male menopause". Please tell me its not all me!!!!

     
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    Old 11-17-2003, 05:15 PM   #2
    cloverberry
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    no it's not just you. I've been married to my husband for 12 years and he quit wanting to have sex with me 8 years ago. His lack of sex drive could be because of another problem but I don't know. I wish he would tell me. If I ask him he doesn't want to talk about it. He's getting therapy, I don't know what for but I think he has a problem with aging. I'm 51, he's 50.

     
    Old 11-18-2003, 11:09 AM   #3
    cowgal
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    Hi, all. My husband went through this in his late 30's and it lasted about 5-6 years. Way it got explained to me was that some men hit reality about their age and where they thought they would be in life earlier than others. May not be as successful as they thought, may not be making as much money as they feel they deserve, may not get the recognition among their peers at work that they think they ought to, may not have as much free time as they thought they would by a certain age, the list can go on and on. Not enough money in the retirement account, small children still at home when other fathers nearly have their kids out of college. Different things set different guys off. One of the problems in my relationship was that he was self-employed in a tough business and wasn't doing all that well financially while I had a great job with good pay and great benefits-company vehicle, phone, expense account, etc. I was a supervisor for a fairly large company, in a non-traditional work role for a woman, living in a small rural community and even though he was very good at his work, he still had to hear from others about my great job and how he should be so proud of me. Well, guess what - he wasn't. I had to work twice as hard around the house just to keep peace in the family. Listen to what your man says when he's venting and you'll probably get some clues as to what's eating away at him. The first thing out of my hubby's mouth when he got mad was an attack on my job, excuse me, my piddlin'-a*s job. That was ALWAYS the way he referred to it when he got angry and that was what was at the root of his anger. After the novelty wore off of my doing the job I had and everybody around him got used to me doing what I was doing and quit talking about it he was a lot better. Still resented me for my success but just didn't make it as big an issue as often.

    How did I get all this insight? Had been in counseling for depression when it started and my dear doc told me what to listen for and how to try to deal with it. The biggest problem I had in dealing with it was to keep my big mouth shut and just let him vent. I learned not to engage in verbal attacks 'cause it only made it worse. Just let him do the "spewing" as I called it and get it off his chest and then he was better for a while. Doc said that men don't age any better than women, just differently. For women, most of the concern is in the physical aspect of aging while men are more concerned about career, status, and money. He says that all men hit the reality wall sooner or later but it's like women and wrinkles-some just see them sooner than others.

    We've been married for almost 25 years and he's so much better for the last 10 than the first 15. Like I said, he hit his wall about 37-38. Now he's 48, has found himself again, and he's ok. Doc also said that a lot of men will have affairs when they go through their mid-life transition, not because they don't love their wives or that they want to hurt their wives, they do it to get an ego boost. And we all know how big most men's egos are.

    Good luck and listen to see if you can see what's going on.

     
    Old 11-18-2003, 12:15 PM   #4
    cloverberry
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    Thanks Cowgal. My husband doesn't vent to me. He just talks to his therapist but I'll keep my ears open to see if he does make a comment.

    Last edited by cloverberry; 11-19-2003 at 06:21 AM.

     
    Old 11-18-2003, 04:46 PM   #5
    miller01
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    Thanks for your insight. I have tried and tried to figure it out. I am tired of doing that. Not my problem, and esp not my problem to fix. I think the main things that are bothering me is the lack of affection and intimacy, which I call starvation for me, and the feeling that hi is "lost" and lastly, but more importantly, the verbal abuse.

    I know how I react will effect the way this all comes out. Maybe, maybe not. He will do what the heck he wants to do. His priorities are NOT my priorities.

    It was our anniversary this week, and reading thru the cards, I couldn't find one that I felt matched him. Not even the one that read "today its time to reflect and show each other affection, etc. etc., open it up and it then said "but tomorrow its back to the same crapola". That wasn't even right...no affection even on anniversary.

    Oh well, tomorrow's another day.

     
    Old 11-20-2003, 01:59 PM   #6
    MagnaV45
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    Re: anyone have hubby going thru midlife too?

    Miller01
    Verbal abuse is NEVER ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    If he is building up his ego and self esteem at the cost of yours then you need to find help. Go to a counselor, or paster or someone you trust, find yourself a support system

    I agree with cowgirl, men hit midlife and deal with it differently that females. Her insight is great!

    But please take care of yourself mentally and emotionally.

     
    Old 11-27-2003, 11:24 PM   #7
    electfew
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    Re: anyone have hubby going thru midlife too?

    I agree with cowgal. My husband went thru this about age 40 or so. Didn't cheat or be mean to me, but the sex just died down alot.
    He realized that he didn't accomplish what he wanted, and it took time and some counseling. Also some Paxil. We go thru phases as people, and we have to let our mate go thru that tunnel. If they know they have our love and support, they will be ok. I will be married for 26 yrs. this Dec. It has had its dry spells due to circumstances beyond our control. We just have to get over the hump. They need space in their own time and place to work it out. We need space for ourselves also, and understanding when we go thru menopause. I told him that I loved him no matter what, and to be honest, I prayed for the love to come back stronger than ever. It did. Sometimes these things are out of our hands, and we have to roll with it, be patient and wait. It works out in the end and is well worth it. Remember- Wisdom is only gained thru Adversity.

     
    Old 01-08-2004, 12:15 PM   #8
    Seekingpeace
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    Re: anyone have hubby going thru midlife too?

    Ok I know I am a bit late responding but I just found this site. This thread is just what I needed! I've been married 17 years. I'm 40 and hubby will be 41 in a couple of weeks. My husband has been in a deep depression since he lost his job two years ago. He was only out of work for 10 weeks but it was a huge blow to his ego. He has a really good job now- that he hates. Nothing is good enough. There is never enough money - even though we were more than financially prepared when he lost his job and are even better prepared with savings now. At best he ignores me. His mood swings are worse than mine - and that's pretty bad! I was attributing all of this to his depression but a light bulb just went off. This has triggered a mid-life crisis of major proportions! He hoards everything and makes no plans beyond the weekend. He is re-assessing his life and his priorities.

    I have really tried to be supportive. I know what a huge blow this was to him. And I understand even better now what he's going through. I just don't happen to like the person he is becoming. I have begged him to find a counselor but he won't listen. his response is he just needs a new job - but that didn't help last time. I'm just at my wits end with him.

    And I'm already starting perimenopause on top of it. Our poor kids are going to end up in therapy because they are growing up in a nut house!

    Ok, I feel a little better having vented! Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

     
    Old 01-09-2004, 07:28 AM   #9
    cloverberry
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    Re: anyone have hubby going thru midlife too?

    seekingpeace
    How about trying marriage counceling and if he won't go, go by yourself. We went through marriage counceling but the councelor couldn't help us and then he started see the therapistist alone and he seems to be in a better mood after his therapy sessions.

    Last edited by cloverberry; 01-09-2004 at 12:16 PM.

     
    Old 05-11-2004, 05:40 AM   #10
    donna0616
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    Re: anyone have hubby going thru midlife too?

    well, not sure where to start but i need some support. my husband will be 50 this year and i found out he is seeing someone. the last year i think i was going thru something and i kinda with drew from life and now he feels i did it on purpose and cant understand what i was thinking or doing, so he feels its his turn. he says she is just a friend and that is how we refer to her... as his friend... he is not per say "cheating" on me except he does kiss her and take her out to dinner and now that i know about her, he tells me when he will be "late" . he had seen her about 12 times before i found out. she calls his cell phone all the time now and i am so scared my kids will find out it is killing me. please help... i am dying here.. i have lost 12 lbs in 2 weeks... waiting for him to make up his mind what he wants...

    Donna

    Last edited by donna0616; 05-11-2004 at 05:41 AM.

     
    Old 05-11-2004, 07:07 AM   #11
    kc1216
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    Re: anyone have hubby going thru midlife too?

    My husband just turned 42. He acts like a 12 year old - likes his toys. Unfortunately it's becoming a problem financially - trying to afford all his big boy toys. I just get angry, go clothes shopping and hide those in the car for a few days so they aren't "new" anymore.

    Hey, if he can do it, so can I. I know two wrongs don't make a right but his stuff costs way more than the stuff I pick up here and there.

    My mom told me that he doesn't want to face that he is getting older. She also said wait till he hits 45, then I'm in for it.

    KC

     
    Old 05-11-2004, 07:53 AM   #12
    cowgal
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    Re: anyone have hubby going thru midlife too?

    Hi Donna & KC - Both your guys are suffering from the transitional period novelties. Mine went through it a little earlier than most, in his late 30's. Now that he's in his late 40's it's a lot better. He still has one toy-the motorcycle-but that's better than a motorcycle and a boat and a drag race car and "girl" friend. I know mine got bored with his life, his career even though he's self-employed, and of me. Lasted about 7 years before he seemed to have completely gone through it. He still wants stuff we can't afford but at least he's not going out and trying to get it all. He nearly ruined our credit because of his spending. Never lost anything but had tons of late payments and those are almost as bad as not paying at all when you're trying to buy a home. He never gave me much reason to believe that he had other women, when he was away from home he was always with some of our friends that would have loved to tattle to me if there had been another woman. I thought maybe he'd finally gotten to the point of taking on a girlfriend about a year ago because of a lot of unexplained absences and confronted him about it but he said no. When I got accused of BEING the other woman in a conversation with my old boss's wife, I felt like maybe I got payback for accusing my husband. But Donna if you have the proof, and it sounds like you do, you need to confront the woman and ask her what her intentions are. Let her know that you know what's going on. See what you can find out about her. It's possible that she's in a relationship also and is seeing your husband on the sly. You need to know where you stand and most likely your husband's not able to answer that question because he doesn't know what he wants other than something "different". I just cannot imagine his expecting you to sit idly by and wait for him to finish playing this game and if you do sit patiently by and let this happen then when he's tired of this friend, he'll just move on to a new one. Tough, tough call. I always said I'd never divorce over an affair and I still wouldn't today but I don't know that I could tolerate it's continuance once I had proof. Maybe someone that has more experience in the other woman dept might be able to help more.

    Almost all the men go through different things during the transition and some go through it earlier and some later. I have a new friend who's husband is nearing 50 and he's just started acting oddly the past year. There's no other women or toys but in her case there's suspicion of drug use. All these guys, mine included, are trying to find things that excite them and some of the things like motorcycles, boats, new golf stuff, fishing trips, etc. are a lot easier to deal with than other women, alcohol, gambling, drugs, etc. Worked with a lot of men over the years and asked them when this stuff started happening with them what possessed them to do some of the silly stuff that they were doing and they all had the same answer-they were all tired of their lives. No easy answers, but when you combine the men's transitions with our perimenopause and menopause, it's no wonder there are so many divorces after 15-20 years of marriage. In my case, we've made it through both but the last 7 years of our 25 year marriage have been a lot harder than the first 7. And we've got 6 couples where both partners are still our friends that didn't make it through and ended up divorced. cg

     
    Old 05-11-2004, 09:31 AM   #13
    kc1216
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    Re: anyone have hubby going thru midlife too?

    Wow! Sucks to be us huh?

    I am by far, no relationship expert. I had a failed marriage and am in my second. My husband is very loving towards me and ever since this womanly passage has started, my mind likes the sex but my body does not want it. Very hard to try and please your loved one when you can't get into it. I've been trying but with all this anxiety, keeps making me wonder if he's going to get disinterested in me.

    Donna, your husband says he's not cheating on you only because he kisses her and takes her to dinner? Donna that is not right! I mean he is open with you about this whole thing but still. I'm no expert but he needs some help - he has no right to bring you and the children down with him. My girlfriend is going through the same thing - well we aren't sure if he has someone else on the side but he sure likes to talk about it very openly. I wonder if he is just saying that to boost his self esteem because I truly don't understand who would want this man (cept for her).

    And Cowgal, we are doing much better financially this year but I don't know if that is good because the more we bring in, the more he spends. He is self employed as well and I haven't seen anything put away for taxes. He's already in the hole with that, trying to climb out - this was before he met me. I've done a fantastic job being the CFO of the house but it's wearing on me.

    Yes, we have the Harley - sometimes I want to kick it and knock it down. It's a money pit. It brings him joy and I love to ride but sometimes it takes time away from us. Too busy wanting to ride all the time, I go alot but can't as often as he can - my hours at work are longer, have to look after children, etc. And I get very resentful. Like today it is gorgeous out - I don't want to go home because I'm sure his friends will call and he'll be out riding while I'm home bored watching the kids. I love my kids but sometimes I want a break too.

    We just got a camper as well since I refuse to camp anymore - sick of the tent thing. That was my idea but we had to get one that will fit the bike in it.

    Then of course he needed a brand new Hemmi to tow it all.

    We are loaned out to the hilt. We do not own a home. I had a condo, sold it to pay off some of his bad taxes and we moved in w/ his mother. Big house and she needed help since she can't keep it up. We pay a small amount to live there and he justifies the need for the toys because we don't have a big mortgage.

    I was laid off last summer from a job. I know what it is like to have rough times. Told him if I get laid off again, I won't be looking for a while, we'll have to float on his check.

    He didn't stop spending last summer either - it was bad!

    Well I guess we all go thru mid-life one way or another. I really think that we are the stronger breed of the two though!

    kc

     
    Old 05-11-2004, 10:10 AM   #14
    cowgal
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    Re: anyone have hubby going thru midlife too?

    KC, your slant on the self-esteem thing is right on target. These guys are going through the aging process just as we are and they don't like it any better but instead of going into the self-improvement mode like most of us women, they try to buy esteem-their toys as compared to the other guys' toys-OR find a woman that makes them feel important and sexy and successful. Both are ways of boosting their own self images. When you're the one doing their laundry and picking up their socks and raising their kids, they don't look to us for comfort or support or self-esteem. Mine was always so proud of me because I was able to work a full time job and keep the house and help him in his business but now that we've both begun to age he's beginning to complain that I never take any time off. KC, you can understand that, because they want to go play MOST of the time instead of tending to business so who gets left doing the tending? The type of business that we're in has been the worst financially over the past 2 years than it was in the first 22 and I'm the one that had to do all the bank negotiations, vendor settlements, payment arrangements, etc. Just now is the tide beginning to turn but it will take at least 14-18 months to put the equity back into the business that we ate up over the past 24 and it's a daily battle to try to keep him from spending money that we haven't made yet. But at least our problems are tangible. Like you said, we can go kick the Harley-just make sure he's not looking. lol. Donna by far has it harder trying to deal with another woman. I don't know if I'd know how to handle that. When I thought mine might have been cheating, I sat and festered about it. Stayed angry all day long every day for over 6 months. Clouded every thought I had. And I really don't think it was jealousy as much as spite. I just dared him to find anyone else that would put up with his crappola the way that I have. Voiced that opinion a time or two, even tried to get him to move out. Think I was angry more about his being nice to another woman and treating me like dog-doo than it was about him having sex with someone else. The thought of the actual sex act was not as distasteful as the thought of his courting a woman long and hard enough to get her to sleep with him, the wining and dining and compliments-all the stuff they quit using on us a long time ago. Tangled ****. There are no easy answers. cg

     
    Old 05-11-2004, 11:11 AM   #15
    donna0616
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    Re: anyone have hubby going thru midlife too?

    thanks guys for the quick response. I have her number and call it sometimes to see if they are talking but i am not sure i can actually talk to her. He would hate me if i did i think. he is going on a golfing trip in june and had decicded he will be relaxed enought after that and see how he feels then. He is very stressed out with work and he is also the president of our school board. He is a great guy and i would die if i lost him .. i just know it. i guess it hurts to know he is doing this to me when i was having problems and he kinda deserted me and and let me figured out a way on my own!!..i want to be supported of him now and he is pushing me away... we still have sex but that is about it... we go out with the kids and have dinners and do things but he is not himself and he takes her calls when she calls and i dont want the kids to know what is going on... he says he will tell me when he plans on sleeping with her... like i have that choice... we are not poor he has a great job and we have any thing we want... in fact i think he is giving her money on the side now... its going somewhere any way...
    i was so hurt this mothers day when he asked the boys what they had gotten me and he told them he had not gotten anything... but i asked him if he bought her something and he said yes... he feels that he has no pressure with her... it relaxes him that
    way.... HELP!!!!!

     
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