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  • Does the 'change' seem sort of like an awakening???

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    Old 06-13-2004, 05:25 PM   #1
    annie7
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    Does the 'change' seem sort of like an awakening???

    I'm a young 52 and haven't had a period now for about three years. I find, and the research seems to point to the fact, that I have this tolerance level and it has gone way down before, during and after menepause.

    With counseling, some major drama in my life, and menepause, I've realized that life is short and I need to be very good to myself. In particular I'm talking about husband- wife relationships. Long, long story.

    I've noticed that this is a great support forum. I need that!

    Now, I feel I'm rambling, but I was wondering...what do all of you out there see as 'verbal' abuse???? Or roller coaster marriages? What is the norm for a husband and wife after 27 years of marriage. I would love for him to be my best friend, but some research I've done said that is a mistake...that men and women just aren't wired for that....any opinions? Any GOOD loving relationships out there that have been going for a while?

    I will take full responisbility if I'm to blame for some failures...I just need some help....Thanks in advance ladies.

     
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    Old 06-15-2004, 02:47 PM   #2
    molly123
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    Re: Does the 'change' seem sort of like an awakening???

    Quote:
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by annie7
    I'm a young 52 and haven't had a period now for about three years. I find, and the research seems to point to the fact, that I have this tolerance level and it has gone way down before, during and after menepause.

    With counseling, some major drama in my life, and menepause, I've realized that life is short and I need to be very good to myself. In particular I'm talking about husband- wife relationships. Long, long story.

    I've noticed that this is a great support forum. I need that!

    Now, I feel I'm rambling, but I was wondering...what do all of you out there see as 'verbal' abuse???? Or roller coaster marriages? What is the norm for a husband and wife after 27 years of marriage. I would love for him to be my best friend, but some research I've done said that is a mistake...that men and women just aren't wired for that....any opinions? Any GOOD loving relationships out there that have been going for a while?

    I will take full responisbility if I'm to blame for some failures...I just need some help....Thanks in advance ladies.
    Hi Annie,
    Think your post might've been overlooked....I think since experiencing peri-meno, my "awakening" has been becoming aware of very little ache and pain, my mortality - thinking I'll get some life threatening disease, worrying about getting old and dying. As for tolerance, I've never tolerated rudeness, creeps, or anyone treating me poorly. Been a pretty tough lady all my life and the guys I have been with are nice guys. No one touches me (hitting)! and I don't get involved with guys who come on too strong and macho like. Am attracted to the rough looking but gentle type, who has a good heart. I have never been married, no kids, just dogs - but have been in one relationship that lasted for 16 years (still friends); and in my present relationship have been together for 15 years. I think like most relationships, couples get comfortable with each other, take each other for granted, forget the good qualities, etc. I think your husband/boyfriend should be your best friend and vice versa. If he isn't your best friend and you're not his, who can be your best friend then? My boyfriend and I get along pretty good, some ups and downs but to tell you the truth, we hardly argue or get mad at each other. We started out as friends first for many years. We also think that if we ever got married, we would probably end up breaking up. It just seems like a lot of marriages don't work these days - don't know why that is...

    And I don't think it's impossible for women to have guys as just friends either - for some reason, I have more guys (single ones too!) as friends than I do women. I don't have any girlfriend to hang out with. The ones I know seem to only call me when they want something and if I say "no", they get all huffy puffy about it and hold it against me. I have, however, met some nice women through the net (met them in person too but they live far away).

    You asked what is verbal abuse - when you are blamed for everything, belittled, criticized, controlled, manuiplated, name-calling, threaten, ignored, and the list goes on and on. All the bad stuff!! The victim is usually confused, low self-esteem, worried about upsetting the abuser, submissive, etc. Are you feeling this way? Yes, you're right - life is short...it is time to think and take care of yourself. What is going on? Share your story with us here - there are lots of support and good advice here.

    Hope to hear from you, Annie!
    Molly

     
    Old 06-16-2004, 08:47 AM   #3
    kc1216
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    Re: Does the 'change' seem sort of like an awakening???

    Hey Molly!

    Unfortunately I learned my lesson the hard way after my divorce. I was in some pretty bad relationships. I was verbally abused and became physically abusive - I would come down on anyone who even looked at me funny. I was addicted to alcohol and drugs though so this is how I learned to hang with a nasty crowd. I'm 100% different now - I am clean with the alcohol and don't smoke silly stuff anymore and as for drugs, only take what the doctors prescribe to me. I feel guilty taking the xanax, but I need it to get me through this right now.

    But you hit the nail on the head about being verbally abused - That brought back all sorts of memories with me - ones that I had hidden deep down inside. I have a dear friend going thru this right now. The man verbally abused her in their relationship of 3 years and he would do it in front of a crowd as well. She is co-dependent with the guy - would still do anything for him, regardless of how he treated her. Well, in the long run, he dumped her - only after she cosigned some loans for him. He still calls her and she runs for the phone. He tells her they are still friends and she deals with this. He called her the other day to let her know he is seeing this girl and giving her rides on the new Harley (my girlfriend cosigned for). At least she hung up on him this time. She is in counseling for this and goes to some support groups twice a week. I see a change in her - she is finally considering her feelings first for once. Sometimes it takes a real bad thing to happen before you see the light. Some people take forever to hit their bottoms.

    Anyway, I've got a wonderful husband now. He's my best friend, he is my soulmate. We have our ups and downs but would never think of hurting eachother over anything. We work things out - sometimes it's hard but we do.


    Annie - The first thing to do is get your self-esteem back up and running and stop feeling guilty for anything. The past is the past and it cannot be changed. Life is too short - live each day the best you can and so long as you do the right thing, you'll be happy. Easier said than done but it will eventually happen. I know when I went through all that it was where I was supposed to be. Had to be there to get here now.

    Hang in there,
    KC

     
    Old 06-16-2004, 05:46 PM   #4
    annie7
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    Re: Does the 'change' seem sort of like an awakening???

    Molly and kc...thanks so much for the replies. It's a long, long story. I'm very much in love with my husband of 27 years. The last 3 have been very, very difficult though. His porn and cybersex addiction came to light and he is now 2 years 'sober'. But...sex addicts go through withdrawal too, which brought to light my codependency issues. We have both been in counseling independently and together and it is a Godsend. He also goes to a 12 step group.

    However, there are times when it gets intense and crazy. His issues especially. He had a pretty abusive childhood and is just now admitting that it really was 'that bad'. I feel that there was a lot of 'transference' going on. God, it's a long story. ANYWAY, today, things are good.

    I feel that i'm growing and finding out the root of some of my major issues. I feel spiritually and emotionally healthier than i have for a long time. My friends have moved away and I get very lonely, especially when things are rough in my marriage. Thus....here i am. kc and molly...you guys seem like great women who i'd love to get to know. Either of you live near kansas city?

    kc..when i was younger, in my 20's, i too was in to drugs....i have a vulnerability there too. Most of the time i do things for myself to make myself feel better, especially when times seem dark. Tomorrow i'm going to get some stuff injected in my face to iron out the wrinkles...my way of growing old gracefully, makes me feel good.

    I just wanted to know if women really do have their mates as their best friends; that it's not a myth. I've heard not to expect your husband to be your best friend and that's just difficult for me to accept. I mean, for god's sake, you're married; if he's not your best friend, who is?

    Long reply here...thanks...wish i knew you both.

    Last edited by annie7; 06-16-2004 at 05:52 PM.

     
    Old 06-16-2004, 11:23 PM   #5
    molly123
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    Re: Does the 'change' seem sort of like an awakening???

    Hey KC - Thumbs up to you for staying clean and moving forward! Glad you have a wonderful husband now. You deserve to be happy! Feel bad for your girlfriend. *****, too bad she co-signed some loans for him!! Is he making any payments or are the bills all falling on her lap now too? Well, at least she heading the right direction - hope she forget that jerk soon and meet someone good and caring. I'm sure she is grateful to have you as a friend too....

    Molly

     
    Old 06-16-2004, 11:27 PM   #6
    molly123
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    Re: Does the 'change' seem sort of like an awakening???

    Annie - I know it can get lonely when you're going thru something and don't have any friends you can talk to. Isn't it weird that no one is around when you really need someone to talk to? Lots of my old friends live out of state now too...don't really hang out w/anyone (except my dog). I'm sorry I don't live closer - not near Kansas. I'm over in the West Coast...but we can still be friends.....

    Don't you feel good that you feel yourself growing spiritually and emotionally healthier? Sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world!! I haven't had it as bad as some of you (no drug/alcohol problems, no abuse relationships) but had a lot of losses in my life which affected me big-time, as well as legal action against a large corp, and you know what? I survived! (One of the hardest thing I went thru was putting my dogs down at ripeful old age of 18.)

    Hey, this the time to focus on yourself! I'm sure you have taken care of the house, the hubby, the kids. Do things that make you happy, eat and buy what you want. Sleep late and relax. Do dishes/laundry, etc. when you feel like it. So, are you getting Borox done on your skin? Lots of people get it done...let me know how it goes. I don't think I have the nerve to do something like this. Don't know what I'll do when my face looks like a prune LOL! Too chicken to even get laser eye surgery on my eyes! Oh, while you're at it, go buy yourself a new outfit and charge it to the hubby, get a massage, hair/nails done if you are into that too!

    Molly

    Last edited by molly123; 06-16-2004 at 11:35 PM.

     
    Old 06-17-2004, 06:31 AM   #7
    kc1216
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    Re: Does the 'change' seem sort of like an awakening???

    Hi Annie and Molly!

    Addiction..... doesn't matter what it is - it is all the same is what I've learned - Regardless of what it is, it takes control and everyone pays for it - family, friends, work, YOU.

    So long as he keeps going to meetings and talks (does he have a sponsor?) and you two can communicate it WILL get better. We have in AA what is called the Promises and so far they have all come true (so long as I stay clean). I think all the 12 step programs are pretty much run the same way, just different addictions is all.

    Just keep being NICE to yourself! And congrats on the face thing! I had some plastic surgery done a few years ago and I was so against it but it's really helped me to feel better about myself. I know, it's what is on the inside but I needed a little extra confidence. I did it after I sobered up - figure that is my reward. I reward myself alot and it doesn't even have to cost much - nothing like a trip to the drug store for a new lipstick or a nice lunch out with a girlfriend. So long as I do something nice for myself once a week, it helps.

    Molly, I'm so sorry about your dog - 18 yrs - wow, a long time. Went through something similar with my cat a few years back. It was HARD. I cried for months on a daily basis. Pets are just like having children - they are a part of the family!

    I guess we live pretty far away from eachother. I'm on the East Coast - CT. Wouldn't it be cool one day to pick a central meeting place and all hook up? Maybe someday!!!! I'll be on this board forever - it's the most support I've ever gotten. Family feels bad but doesn't understand (all men). Mominlaw is past this phase. My family lives down south so it's hard. None of my girlfriends are going through this.

    Oh, my friend's ex boyfriend is making payments on the bike and truck. The only way she can get her name off the loans is for him to make 8 consecutive payments and then if he's not an a**hole, he will refinance into his name. He's already been dating others and she's really hurting. She's not ready for a relationship now and I told her she needs some time to herself.

    I'll tell you, we run into her ex alot - we all frequent the same hang outs. It takes alot of strength for me not to go up to him and kick him real hard. So far I've only ran my mouth and now he ignores me! Hubby gets mad because I stir the pot but the man totally p*sses me off.

    kc

     
    Old 06-17-2004, 09:19 AM   #8
    molly123
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    Re: Does the 'change' seem sort of like an awakening???

    Quote:
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kc1216
    Hi Annie and Molly!

    Addiction..... doesn't matter what it is - it is all the same is what I've learned - Regardless of what it is, it takes control and everyone pays for it - family, friends, work, YOU.

    So long as he keeps going to meetings and talks (does he have a sponsor?) and you two can communicate it WILL get better. We have in AA what is called the Promises and so far they have all come true (so long as I stay clean). I think all the 12 step programs are pretty much run the same way, just different addictions is all.

    Just keep being NICE to yourself! And congrats on the face thing! I had some plastic surgery done a few years ago and I was so against it but it's really helped me to feel better about myself. I know, it's what is on the inside but I needed a little extra confidence. I did it after I sobered up - figure that is my reward. I reward myself alot and it doesn't even have to cost much - nothing like a trip to the drug store for a new lipstick or a nice lunch out with a girlfriend. So long as I do something nice for myself once a week, it helps.

    Molly, I'm so sorry about your dog - 18 yrs - wow, a long time. Went through something similar with my cat a few years back. It was HARD. I cried for months on a daily basis. Pets are just like having children - they are a part of the family!

    I guess we live pretty far away from eachother. I'm on the East Coast - CT. Wouldn't it be cool one day to pick a central meeting place and all hook up? Maybe someday!!!! I'll be on this board forever - it's the most support I've ever gotten. Family feels bad but doesn't understand (all men). Mominlaw is past this phase. My family lives down south so it's hard. None of my girlfriends are going through this.

    Oh, my friend's ex boyfriend is making payments on the bike and truck. The only way she can get her name off the loans is for him to make 8 consecutive payments and then if he's not an a**hole, he will refinance into his name. He's already been dating others and she's really hurting. She's not ready for a relationship now and I told her she needs some time to herself.

    I'll tell you, we run into her ex alot - we all frequent the same hang outs. It takes alot of strength for me not to go up to him and kick him real hard. So far I've only ran my mouth and now he ignores me! Hubby gets mad because I stir the pot but the man totally p*sses me off.

    kc
    Hi KC,
    I've never became addicted to anything like alcohol and drugs. I did smoke the "silly" stuff and cigs, drank some but would turn red - stopped all the smoking cold turkey once I developed bronchitis. Haven't touched the stuff for 20 yrs. My father was taking Ativan for over 35 years and hallucinated bad time when the doc wanted him off of it. It freaked me out to see him that way - that is why I didn't want to keep taking an anti-anxiety med. and got on the Paxil CR instead.

    Yes, we sure seem to live all over the map. Even with the time difference, it sure seems like you and Andrea are always around! Don't you sleep?? LOL! This board is great! All the women are nice here...everyone is respectful and does not bash someone if someone has a different opinion, no one is rude, etc. Probably b/c we're all so "mature" ! LOL!

    Was the plastic surgery painful? Do you see a big difference? I know it's quite expensive and you have to keep up with it every so-many years. I'm not against plastic surgery, I just don't have the guts to do something like that. Maybe I will consider it when it's too late and I'm beyond repair - LOL! Oh, did you hear that parents are giving their daughters plastic surgery as high school grad gifts?

    Glad your friend's ex is paying the bill. Guess he isn't as big of an a**hole as thought. I know of more women who end up paying for everything and getting themselves into debt b/c of some lazy husband or boyfriend (they don't work !)...I recognize a free-loader right away. I would get myself into that situation. I can be tight with my pocketbook...afterall, I did work my butt off for it!

    Think it is great that you're not afraid of confrontation either! Sometimes I get so ****** that it's a good thing I don't have a gun! There have been many times I could have easily "gone postal", if you know what I mean!

    Molly

     
    Old 06-17-2004, 10:18 AM   #9
    annie7
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    Re: Does the 'change' seem sort of like an awakening???

    Hey there...just getting ready to leave the house but had to check here.

    Molly, I have three dogs and a cat.(all rescued) My oldest dog, Mike, who was my major support when my father died suddenly is getting very, very old...15...and I know that soon I'll have to be with him when he gets the lethal shot. I'm praying he dies at home in his sleep. I love that dog...he looks like a cross between a chubby Benji, and an ewok. Sooo..I totally sympathize with you. One thing I've learned to do and that is not minimize my hurtful experiences by comparing them with others. The little and big pains of life affect us in such individual and unique ways.

    I've also had a bit of cosmetic surgery done. Two years ago i had my upper and lower lids done. You can't believe how great it is. There was absolutely no pain at all...no kidding. It really was like a little vacation. I didn'' look at myself in the mirror for 3 days and didn't go out for 5 days. The three days I didn't see myself was really rather interesting. I felt more at on with myself...really odd and nice at the same time. I love my new eyes. People compliment me on them all the time. Now, today, I'm going to get restylane injected into my smile lines...we'll see. I've already decided to get a full lift in about a year or so. I have some extra money coming in from an inheritance and I'll use that. Sooooo....

    Someday we need to fly to a common ground and meet. We'll have a play day or something. Good to read both of your comments....thanks sooo much..it is so appreciated.

     
    Old 06-18-2004, 08:07 AM   #10
    kc1216
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    Re: Does the 'change' seem sort of like an awakening???

    Good morning! Nope, the plastic surgery did not hurt - had no idea what was going on - I have breast implants - not big ones - about a small c cup. Before that I was basically indented and felt very self-conscious because absolutely nothing fit me right. I was sore for about 4 weeks after that. Doctor was great - He made me look natural - I am not overly big at all. I can wear b or c bras whereas before I couldn't find a bra to fit me - not even a AA. I'll be paying for it for a long time - put it on a low interest credit card. But it was worth it. I wouldn't mind getting my lips made fuller but that will be a long time down the road as I can't afford to do anything else

    So you got an eye lift Annie? That is cool! I also hear they can do permanent eyeline and wouldn't mind having that done!

    Gotta treat yourself sometimes!

    Maybe someday we can all have our first Peri reunion!

    kc

     
    Old 06-18-2004, 08:38 AM   #11
    annie7
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    Re: Does the 'change' seem sort of like an awakening???

    Well, get this; I had an appointment yesterday for the restylane and they made a mistake and didn't put it down. They apologized and put me down for today at 2:30 and said they'd give me a discount for the inconvience! Pretty good I'd say. Anyway, today at 2:30 I get the injections.

    It's a grey day here and there was more drama in my life last night. I wish that for one day I could go without the drama.....no, one week really. There are major changes in my life. I've started a very small inner city school four years ago. It was a God thing, meaning that it felt like it was what I was born to do. It was incredible. I didn't get paid money, but feel that God provided in other areas and in unusual ways. To make a long story short it looks as if this was my last year. I'm now teaching third grade summer school three half days a week. It's such a long story, but it's very difficult to let go of my dream. It had been my dream for years and I was able to see it fullfilled. I am sorta grieving. I'm in the middle of limbo not knowing where my life will be. I guess that's the adventure of living.

    Just venting...have a great day, both of you.

     
    Old 06-18-2004, 08:46 AM   #12
    kc1216
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    Re: Does the 'change' seem sort of like an awakening???

    Hey Annie,

    Remember life is like a book - there are many chapters. You're just on your way to another chapter.

    But, emotionally, you are where you are supposed to be. It's ok to grieve over stuff like this. When a door closes, another one will open for you! You'll see!

    kc

     
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