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Complete Loss of Control…

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Old 04-02-2007, 10:02 AM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Abingdon, MD, USA
Posts: 26
Btoons HB User
Complete Loss of Control…

Most likely this will be my sole post. Truth is that this entire subject has been talked to death, debated and dissected by every doctor and expert even remotely connected to the field ... 'Do no Harm'? I think they are killing us...

I’ve had hormone imbalance since I entered puberty that caused me to pull out my hair (I don't remember doing this but this is what the doctors claimed) when I was in high school and I had bald spots over my head, I 'saw' things that were not me in mirrors, had periods that would stop for months and years at a time, etc., then start and not be red or even brown, but black.

Disturbances continued to worsen and I was put into a hospital under partial out patient care which meant that part of the week I was in the hospital, and the rest I was at home. I was given mega doses of combined mood elevators and tranquilizers. I was informed many years after that this treatment was a now illegal protocol to lobotomize via medication. This was also what happened when I lost my children and 8 months of memory.

I had a partial hysterectomy at 28, the surgeon spent quite a bit of time telling me what they found (among sexual mutilation). I had one ovary that had been so extensively eaten by cysts that he suspected it had been going on for many years, and the other ovary had never opened was that of a child of 10 years old. He explained that I had been existing on only fleeting estrogen (probably most of my life), but that once the second ovary had been stimulated (he did while I was still surgically open), it would continue to blossom and function and will still very full of eggs).

So, for me, menopause was delayed and even now I am probably not where most women my age would be. However, when I did begin menopause, my symptoms were severe again as they had been when I was younger, very close to suicide and violence.

Most of my teeth crumbled and abscessed, many I actually swallowed as I ate; my hair fell out, hot flashes occurred every 15 to 20 minutes with such intensity that I had to keep windows open even in the winter and remained in room temperatures close to 30 degrees. I became sick with a fever well above 104 and continued working. I was nearly 50 then and helped install carpet. Finally I was simply unfit to work or be around people at all.

I didn't have access to HRT though because I had no health insurance and no money so it was my county who finally got me to a GYN LONG after I should have begun this therapy. (--When I read over the 34 symptoms, it became glaringly apparent that MANY symptoms were not only unrecognized by me as being menopausal but I'm a 'layman' not a doctor. For reasons I cannot ascertain, a series of doctors (from general practitioner to specialists sent me for a wide variety of VERY uncomfortable, costly, and time-consuming tests include a Pet Scan that resulted in ‘nothing’ from their specific areas of specialties.

Still, for a very short number of 6 years I have felt normal, in control. I have only been married two years now, a new beginning even at my age and.....then

I had to see a new GYN doctor who decided that my dose should be cut in half. Like many women I felt it would really be nice to not have to take anything. And of course as I said, I was feeling more controlled.....

I have been on the half dose for two months and among other moderate symptoms, not so moderate symptoms began to rebirth. A very violent episode now has frightened me half to death.

For two days and nights I dared not let my new husband even near me, nor any of my animals. I did not bath, brush my teeth or hair, didn't change clothes nor did I sleep in our bed but isolated myself two stories below. I had in fact, gone back to all the years before having access to hormone replacement. I know the feeling and symptoms too well because I've lived with them for too many years.

I don't want to lose my husband, I don't want 'hate' to rule my life especially when I can in no way identify the origin of such feelings and behavior.

I am reminded that there are many physical malfunctions that medicine controls and the entire world accepts that they must be:

Insulin: is given to those whose bodies will not properly produce it
Heart medication: is given to those whose hearts will not cooperate
Thyroid: is given to those whose bodies do not properly produce

I think this list could probably go on…….yet

For some reason those of us who do not produce or never produced hormones in adequate balances are told we should not take them, that we will live longer……… Amazingly, these same physicians will readily offer anti-depressants, tranquilizers and narcotics (to which the patient then becomes addicted) over simply giving the body what it really needs to be as healthy as it can be. Or worse, they come up with a convoluted series of creams, jellies, yoga, patches, vitamins (some of these are good for anyone) for which a very complicated calendar must be kept for months on end while dosages are raised, then reduced, then changed..... 'Do no harm?'

I would rather die early than live many years filled with hate and not even know where it comes from, or with the fear I will hurt someone and have to live all those extra years alone because no one, not even myself can bear to be in my vicinity.

I would rather live a shorter duration and be with those I love in relative control and peace and love. I do not think quantity should be preferred or valued over quality…..

Nor am I willing to play the insane games doctors and experts continue to plague upon us. If our bodies are 'lacking' specific chemicals, then it is those and ONLY those chemicals that should be replaced just as insulin is, or thyroid.... Stop playing with us.

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Old 04-02-2007, 07:18 PM   #2
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: canada
Posts: 71
lilypad1 HB User
Re: Complete Loss of Control…

Dear B,your story touched my heart as no story has in a very long time.I'm sorry for all you have and are going through.In your case,yes,the medical field has let you down.I wish there were something i could say to help,but i can't.If it helps in any way to vent,please come back to these boards,i'm certain there are others here who can relate to some of the problems you are facing.Hang in there B,sincerely lily

Old 04-02-2007, 08:28 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: royal oak mi 48067
Posts: 872
marian100 HB User
Re: Complete Loss of Control…

i too am sorry for what you have gone through. i saw a female gyn who told me that peri doesn't cause anxiety or depression. she then told me she wouldn't prescribe progesterone to help regulate my periods because it can cause depression on the other hand, my male internist believes that some women go absolutely bonkers (his word) at this time in life. he went to a lecture once and the docs were being told that hot flashes only last for 6 months at the most. so alot of mis information out there. see if you can go back on your higher dose. it is worth it for a quality of life. God bless

Old 04-03-2007, 02:30 PM   #4
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Abingdon, MD, USA
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Btoons HB User
Re: Complete Loss of Control…

Thank both of you for replying. I would like to say though that I am really a VERY positive person and rarely RARELY go through this kind of thing. When it does stop, it's as if someone put screeching brakes on and the terror is completely gone as though it didn't even happen.

I suppose, like billions of us (I suspect our numbers have to be disproportionate to the overall population) wonder why on earth those in the health field cannot come to some kind of consensus on treatment that is not overwhelmingly convoluted that it takes a volumes of text-books to follow and then coordinate.

It almost appears (to me) that hormone tablets are tossed about like candy in general dose increments as are patches, and creams. Herbal remedies and recipes are as obtuse as are whatever facts and fiction available and debated by those who then control our lives (this all of us should resent). More frequently we are guided to therapists and given medications to keep us quiet, or to give us a false sense of calm or false happiness. Of course, all that keeps the pharmaceutical companies not only floating high waves, but keeps our own insurance (or lack thereof) so high that we invite them to continue the debate long after our own offspring have also suffered.

In the end, we are the largest section of those still packing and tracking this grand Earth, yet it is suggested too often that our 'Warranty' has simply worn out. We were not expected to live beyond it.

It is not just me or a few of us that the medical field has let down, it's ALL of us...every single one of us.

Last edited by Btoons; 04-03-2007 at 02:33 PM.

Old 04-07-2007, 06:23 AM   #5
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Glasgow, United Kingdom
Posts: 73
Barbs45 HB User
Re: Complete Loss of Control…

Hi Btoons,

So sorry you are having such a difficult time, you are absolutely right we woman have all been let down miserably.

I too am feeling really out of control, so I can really identify where you're coming from.

I've been going through the menopause 7yrs now, the last few years have been hell.

I've had to take time out from work, and only last week my husband told me he'd had an affair last year.

It was a bit of a blow to me, although I'm amazed at how I've responded to this.
It made me realise how I had left my husband out of my life, and just took hm for granted that he'd be there for me no matter what.

Our sex life was practically non existant, I even joked about that, not understanding that my husband was suffering from the effects of my menopause.

For me this has been a real wake up call of how out of control I've been in my life due to the menopause.

You are not alone Btoon, hope you recover from this, just as we all want to.

Best wishes,

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