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  • 50 year old male & totally alone?

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    Old 12-11-2016, 02:23 PM   #1
    taer486
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    50 year old male & totally alone?

    Hi

    I have been through absolute HELL the last 5 years or so. I pushed everyone away because I was so concentrated on saving my home, belongings & keeping bills paid. I spent like 4 years looking for a job, went on dozens upon dozens of interviews, took dozens of tests and did very well on most of them yet NO job.

    I worked part time at a hardware store for a little over 2 years making a fraction of what I was making with ZERO benefits. HR eventually put me on as a back up driver I wound up driving for another store then eventually got a full time position at another store which turned out to be a complete nightmare.

    I interviewed at a place I now work at and have been there for about 4-5 months and it's OK, paying the bills and it certainly is much, much better than my last job.

    Anyway I have been alone for 4-5 years for the most part and now I am over 50 and it is seriously wearing on me. I live in a condo and like to keep it clean but that is becoming harder and harder specially the long hours I work.

    I have never been married, no kids and not even a date for a long time, I haven't even had sex in like 5+ years.

    I am very sick of this, I think of many things to do but usually don't do them because of feeling so hopeless.

    I've went to church a few times hoping to find a connection there to no avail.

    I've been sober in AA before a few times but I just don't care to go back, I drink but not all day long just in the evening to kill the loneliness, it's likely part of the problem yet it also helps alleviate the problem. I do not want to sit in a AA meeting, I been sober several times once like 5.5 years & always wanted to drink. Reducing my drinking fine and if one day I don't need it any more fine but AA not so fine for me anyway, been there done that most of my life & guess what, I drink.
    People I new for years in them meetings never contacted me once, I use to contact them but no one ever contacted me.

    I had a guy I use to hang out with every night going to meetings for like 5 years, he'd constantly tell me I am his best friend, we use to talk for hours about everything & the guy just blew me off. He said something about he didn't want anything to do with AA and this was when I was not involved with AA & I told him I don't care if your in or out makes no difference to me & he never responded, I was pretty shocked.

    I even had a cousin blow me off after I visited him for unknown reasons, I asked him one time and he didn't want to talk about it then says lets just start fresh right here, I figured OK, even though I still have no idea what I did. We did not talk even after this.
    Now like a week ago he calls me out of the blue as if nothing happened, I'm like whatever.

    Anyway I am extremely tired of being alone and feeling like such a loser, I don't think I am a complete loser, may not be the most successful human on earth but I am still going, still fighting to survive. For what I honestly have no idea?

    I just hope to connect with a few people to break out of this isolation, this solo journey I am on it is old. Anyway loneliness really sucks.

    I think the older you get the harder it gets to find your way out crap like this, it sucks I mean sucks.
    I did research to take my mind off of everything else and I actually learned quite a bit and now I am here thinking OK now what?

    All I do is research and debate online.
    Writing this is just another attempt to pull myself up and out of this, IDK.

    Last edited by Administrator; 12-11-2016 at 02:40 PM.

     
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    Old 01-05-2017, 11:28 AM   #2
    yayagirl
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    Re: 50 year old male & totally alone?

    Hi taer486,

    I've gone through a great deal of personal hardship, too. It is difficult. I'm glad things have settled down for you some so you can think beyond mere survival.

    What are some things you enjoy or have enjoyed about life?

    I'm an introvert. Meaning I get energized by time to myself. I'm married to an extrovert. Opposites attract so they say. He and I, like most couples, have different make up. I love people and have close friends, but also appreciate and highly value my time to myself. Relationships are not easy for we dysfunctional people, and frankly I know no one that has no relational dysfunction. It is just being human. So don't take anything I share as a put down. I want to encourage you to get past yourself so you can make friends, but not expect them to hold you up or fill up your free time.

    My husband made some life-long friends he met at support groups, but only when they genuinely share other interests. Often he is the one to phone them. He just wants to check up on them. Myself, I have facilitated some support groups and it has been helpful to me, but I do not think of support groups as a resource for personal relationships. I have friends that we only share when we see each other over the fence, or at church or at a store. We chat and share what has been going on, eat a meal together very occasionally, and then part ways.

    Recovery work (not only in regard to drug - alcohol addiction drinking, but learning how to relate to real people) can be raw and to me and most people, in my opinion, isn't a point of relationship people want to hang on to. For instance, you don't want to dwell on that part of your life. So it's normal, I think, for others also to want nothing to do with people from that part of their lives. It's nothing personally against you. Let it go. You must have other interests than just going to work and drinking. Maybe you enjoy art or thrift stores and yard sales or wood working. Find out what YOU enjoy and get involved in your own life and you will meet like-minded people with whom you have something of substance to share.

    I think when one's main or only relational experience is in regard to work or Recovery, that it can be socially crippling. It's up to you to become interesting by getting interested in your own life. Even if it's just a type of book you like to read. There are others that like things you like. If you get involved with your own interests it will make you interesting to others that share your interests.

    I really feel for you, but quite honestly, I can't get interested in people that only work, drink, and complain about relationships they don't have. I have little income or energy, but I enjoy gardening and plants a great deal. I like stopping at plant nurseries and talking with people about plants and landscaping. Sometimes relationships develop from it. But the idea is to not depend on others to fulfill your own life. Go out and fulfill your own life yourself...do what interests you and it makes you interesting to others that share your interests.

    Don't do what you like for other people, you do what you like for yourself. If you have no interest in church or recovery groups, it won't make you attractive or interesting to those that do have those interests. If you are bah-humbug about your own life, then you can expect others to leave you alone.

    Do what YOU enjoy. It will make you attractive to those who share your interests. Not immediately usually, but get involved in your own life and interests and chat with others about what you enjoy. Think about what you liked as a child before you got jaded by life's hardships. Find a hobby you like, then do it.
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    Old 01-17-2017, 02:51 PM   #3
    Mariabbbb
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    Re: 50 year old male & totally alone?

    Taer486,

    You are not alone. I too lost a great job and am now earning 1/2 the pay. My job is very slow and boring.

    I hope you feel a little better. And remember, that you're not alone.

    Last edited by Administrator; 01-18-2017 at 08:07 AM.

     
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    Old 04-05-2017, 10:37 AM   #4
    rosequartz
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    Re: 50 year old male & totally alone?

    you shouldn't expect people you meet in AA will want to hang out with you when you continue to drink. They are struggling to stop drinking, and they need to stay away from people who don't take that seriously. It's basically self-preservation on their part. Do you like dogs? have you ever thought of adopting a dog who needs a home? Dogs are natural conversation starters......I've met more people walking my dog than I could have imagined.

     
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