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Traumatized girlfriend manipulates

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Old 08-07-2018, 12:53 PM   #1
Join Date: Aug 2018
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He57 HB User
Traumatized girlfriend manipulates

Hi all,

My traumatized girlfriend was sexually abused in her youth by several people in her family and she's seeing a psychologist to see her problem through.

We have been together a year and so far recurring problems have been repeating themselves:

- she never admits when she's wrong, wants me to never let her sleep alone, blames it on trauma

-she hurts herself (head against wall, arms cut..) when I mention something she doesn't want to hear (e.g. that I would like to go out with my friends), blames it on trauma

-she tries to convince me that a choice which is obviously good (accepting a new, exciting, well-paid job) is terrible because I wouldn't be as much at home anymore and she'll be lonely and she'll want to hurt herself, then blames her fear on trauma and says I don't love her

- forbidding me to have girl friends..

I've been very supportive, always by her side, and I know she's overpossessive and manipulative and I should get away from her. But she's deep down a terrific person which I love and respect. I've tried to break up a few times but she threatens with harming herself.

She's really heavily traumatized and she is seeing a shrink. But she doesn't tell her all the ways that she fails me and herself, she only talks of her trauma.

More than once I told her to stop this manipulative behavior and that only she can help herself, before simply leaving the apartment in frustration.

I lost all my friends, which was also my fault, because they all warned me about her. I'm tired of having the same discussion praying her to get better and I feel extremely under control which I can't bear anymore. I always wanted to travel and have fun and I feel like the caretaker.

What should I do? I'm a rational person, I know I have to think of my mental health first, but what kind of coward would leave his mentally ill, heavily traumatised girlfriend which he loves, behind?

Despite all her faults, she deeply loves me, even if it's all extremely unhealthy. I know, this is the wrong way of thinking, but still : what would you do?

Last edited by Administrator; 08-07-2018 at 03:32 PM.

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Old 08-08-2018, 06:22 AM   #2
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Re: Traumatized girlfriend manipulates

Hi there. This is a really tough situation and I know someone personally who is going through this. You asked what would "I" do? Leave...get out and save yourself.

Your GF is going through therapy. She has a support system and it is NOT your responsibility to give up your life and take care of her...she can threaten all she wants, but all it is doing is making you realize what you have lost/ are losing.

Can you contact her therapist and let them know what you are planning? Is there a family member of hers who you can talk to and let them know that you are making plans to end this? Maybe if someone is aware, they can look out for her even further.

You have to live your life and you are not responsible for anyone but yourself. You sound miserable...please do not give up your entire life to take care of someone else when you are clearly unhappy.
RRMS- dx 05

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Old 08-08-2018, 09:07 AM   #3
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Re: Traumatized girlfriend manipulates

Dear He57,

From what you wrote it does not seem this woman is capable of an honest and adult relationship. What she is doing is what children do. Personally, in my view, trying to notify her therapist would be a co-dependent action on your part. I suggest that you NOT notify anyone except her, AFTER you made arrangements to close that door. She likely will either try to manipulate with self-harm threats, begging, or promising to be different. If she would be different, she already would be different. What you see is what you get.

I had experience in my youth similar to what is reported about her and believe me those manipulations do not seem to be from experiencing abuse. Normally we that were abused at a young age find it very difficult to ask to get our needs met in relationships. I have not seen a seriously abused person making demands no matter how much therapy they have had. Even if that was a sign of having been abused, there is no reason for you to submit to or excuse selfish behavior or self-centeredness.

What you describe of her seems rather gutsy for someone that was 'so traumatized'. Normally we who were traumatized find it very difficult to assert ourselves. She might be a fun person, but her behavior does not remind me of a deep down terrific person. She appears to be manipulative and immature.

Your situation is why I believe we should know a person for a very long time before getting personally involved, and not get involved in the lives of very needy persons. Not that we can always see self-centeredness clearly in other people. You only have one life to live. Do not mistake neediness for love. They are two opposite things.

You have to decide if you want your entire life to resolve around her or not. I am not saying the abuse she suffered is fake or that she is a bad person. I am saying she is self-centered and self-serving. I am saying that if she is strong enough to make demands, she is strong enough to take care of her self.

You need to have strong boundaries so that you don't allow anyone to control you from normal activities. Notify your own self, and tell yourself and her the truth that you can't help her. Then change your contact info or block her and stay away from places that she frequents and do not look back. Get on with your life.

A truly good friend enhances our lives and does not drain or try to control us. By you trying to meet her demands it is building a false sense of security, both to her and to yourself.

Just wait for that time when you say no. You may as well face that now before she leans any harder onto you.
~ YaYa ~

Last edited by YaYagirl; 08-08-2018 at 09:11 AM.

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