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What's going to happen to me

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Old 04-07-2005, 10:46 AM   #1
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Join Date: Nov 2004
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RavenShield HB User
What's going to happen to me


I think I have a serious problem here. Back in 2001, I dropped out of school in the 9th grade, mainly because I was having trouble with almost every subject, and just didnt feel like stressing my brain (i was already stressed for some unknown reason, took antidepressants). I felt like quitting school since I was in the 6th grade. Everyday, since the 7th grade, I dreaded getting up to go to school, not much because of bullies though I did have a few, if I didnt run away from them I probably would have gotten into some serious trouble. I was always by myself. Never wished to talk to ANYONE. The only thing I looked forward to when going to school, was leaving at the end of the day, getting home and going to sleep.

When my chance came to legally drop out, I did. After that I felt great for a little while, but there was only one problem. I never went out. I stayed in the house, on the computer watching tv for weeks and months without going anywhere, not even stepping out to get a breath of fresh air. Now its been the same for about 4 years. I went to therapists, took meds, everything. Nothing worked. I came to the conclusion that I'm lazy, selfish and stubborn, and should be destroyed like a stray mutt. But then it dawned on me that I was socially awkward, because I would never talk or mingle with people, and whenever I did, something would totally turn them against me, even If I were being nice and respectful, I would do something to screw up. I dont even come out of my room when relatives come to visit. When they come im always "sleep".

So for 4 whole years, I've been a hermit. Suffering from panic attacks, taking anti depressants and having suicidal thoughts. What should I do? One thing I havent tried yet was, I forgot what it was, it is some technique used to treat social anxiety, sort of a reenactment of social situations.

Im really getting bored and Im slowly going insane. THinking about resuming my education and working a low class job is something I dont want to do. I screwed up, BIG TIME. Getting through life with a GED doesnt work nowadays. A GED isnt Good Enough anymore. Its not a Diploma, its just proof that you are a "not so bright" loser, "APPROVED FOR SLAVE LABOR". Im getting sick of waking up and doing the same thing everyday. THis has basically made me and my mother "no-lifes". She quit work because she was tired of working HARD her entire life, and figured if I want to quit, she will too, "whats the point in going on with working when my son isnt doing anything for himself" was her deciding factor to quit life. It really amazes me that she is still hoping, that one day I will make something out of myself, If i was her, I would go on with my life. I dont like the fact that Im totally dependant on my mom (who quit work because she is physically not able to work unless its a desk job or something). I dont like seeing her depressed, dont like hearing her talk about how pointless life is, and how much of a bad job she did raising me (actually she didnt, she was always by my side and I love her). I dont like thinking about how she thinks she has a giant loser for a son and how she thinks she failed in raising me. I dont want something to happen to her while im in this state of marinating. I want to get moving but cant. Just the thought of going outside and doing something frightens me, and besides I dont even know where to start. If you really look at my situation, there is no where to go basically but straight to being an underling, to live among the bums. I doubt I will be able to get a even close to having a career, have 4 kids and a wife, a nice 4 bedroom 3 bath house 2 cars and a boat with just a GED.

Anyone else in a situation like this one? Or had something like this going on for a while? If so, what did you do to kick yourself in the butt and wake you up? I think there are only a few like me in every state. maybe 50 per state.

So for 4 whole years, I've been a hermit. Suffering from panic attacks, taking anti depressants and having suicidal thoughts. What should I do? One thing I havent tried yet was, I forgot what it was, it is some technique used to treat social anxiety, sort of a reenactment of social situations.

Anyone else in a situation like this one? Or had something like this going on for a while? If so, what did you do to kick yourself in the butt and wake you up? I think there are only a few like me in every state. maybe 50 per state.

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Old 04-07-2005, 02:03 PM   #2
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Location: Rhode Island
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Lectus HB User
Re: What's going to happen to me

My situation is almost completely identical... although the brain fatigue hit me in the grade twelve, and I was able to finish up due to the charity of the school staff. I also had other problems going on... namely an offensive odor (or the perception of one) that no amount of washing would remove. I had intermittent attacks of panic and hypochondriacal episodes two or three years back, as well, although I've kind of gotten over them. There isn't really a trick to shaking them... It kind of takes an attitude change overtime.

So you must be about nineteen then? A GED is dead easy to get, with a little bit of study and a few tests... Once it's done, you can apply for a loan for college. Or just take a few night courses. It'll just take some work...

Low class job? slave labour?? I'll admit that it's been a while since I've worked, but they do still pay people nowadays, right? Labour for any amount of money is a liberating experience, and cutting boxes is better than just sitting around all day(then again, judging from your suicidal thoughts, you may not be the ideal candidate for handling a box cutter...). Having that steady income can really do wonders for your self confidence. It doesn't matter to other people where you are or what you're doing... you'll probably be surrounded by people in the same boat anyway. There will be younger kids who are just working for some extra money, but I doubt that they care what your story is. Nobody will judge you. I see adults in their thirties and forties working at macdonalds all the time... Trust me, the longer you go without work, the harder it'll be to get back in. If you wait a few years, you'll hear that dreaded question, "You're 23. Why haven't you ever had a steady job?" I waited, and now it's hard as hell for me to get into the workplace... provided I'll ever be ready for it. For me, it's not just a simple matter of being socially inept, which I most certainly am, but the shame of making other people physically uncomfortable as well. Although, to be fair, your fear of appearing foolish is probably equally strong as my fear of offending people.

Alright, so I'm a hypocrite. But I think there are some facts you should face. You're still young and have so many options. It's much too early to be contemplating death. I know it can be comforting to think on it once in a while when you're down... like there's always that option of removing yourself completely from the situation. Use the thought of death to calm yourself down if you like, but allow yourself the knowledge that the actual act will result in your life ending on a cruddy note. It's pointless, and you wouldn't be doing anyone a favor. Suicide's only real appeal is that it's an easy way to go, and with no persistant consequences to the individual. The ultimate act of selfishness.

All that aside, my advice is this: Act. Don't sit around anymore. Just do something to change yourself and/or improve your own life, and don't expect the world or anyone in it to change for you. You're not as powerless as you seem to think.
In a way, doctors are worse than Lawyers; Lawyers can screw you with your own stupidity. Doctors screw you with their stupidity.

Old 04-07-2005, 02:09 PM   #3
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Blue102 HB User
Re: What's going to happen to me

Heyyyy! You are obviously making yourself sick with your negative thinking! Well, I don't know, but you sound bright enough to me. You seem to be able to communicate all right!

I don't know all the details. But gathering from what you wrote, I'd say you are just really, really down on yourself and you just need to snap out of it. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's true. You had some depression in school (Who didn't! Ugh, if I could have dropped out, I probably would have too.) You're letting it snowball and ruin your life. You've stuck this label on you, this 'loser' label, thinking it's never gonna come off. Well it won't, unless you do something about it.

Here's what I'm going to advise you to do. You don't have to do it, of course. First go back to your doctor and get your antidepressants measured out for you. Then, get a marble notebook. Write a list of all the things you want to change, all the things that you're dissatisfied with. Take your time and make it neat. Then turn the page and list the goals you want to make for yourself. Short term, middle, and long-term. Then take them a few at a time and start working on them. Be consistent--every day think about these goals and do little things to work towards them. You can change the goals along the way if you want to.

It will be hard and energy-consuming at first. That's because you are feeling like crap right now. But the longer you do it, the better you will feel. I promise, it will only take about a month or two of working on these goals EVERY DAY before you start to get the euphoric feeling of achievement.

Get your mom in on it, too. You know depression feeds off itself. You both are feeling lousy about things, and you're making each other feel worse. (Don't feel too bad about it, it's natural.) Anyway, talk to her and try to be positive. Break the cycle of negative thinking. It takes some work at first but it does get easier.

I'd say go for the GED. GED's are fine! Lots of people get them and go on to college. I think it shows that you have overcome a hardship and have the motivation to better yourself. Colleges look for that, believe me. And don't ever rule out community college, either.

You're on the right track. That's why you came here. Get up, make your bed, get out there and make yourself better. Nobody's going to do it for you. But we're here to cheer you on!

I hope you and your mom feel better. Please post again soon.

Old 04-09-2005, 04:23 AM   #4
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 18
RavenShield HB User
Re: What's going to happen to me

Im glad you shared a little bit of your story with me lectus, and im glad you pulled through it. It made me realize that my situation wasnt that bad, and that Im just kicking myself in the arse like Blue102 said i was. It's pretty hard, and scary going out in the world when youve been in for so long, doing absolutely nothing. Its like being a ground hog, and when you step outside and see humans, you go right back into your hole. I'll take you guys' advice, well, I'll think about it for a while, and then start taking some small steps toward getting the heck out of this house sometime. I needed some motivation from some where. Ill be here alot. So long.

Last edited by RavenShield; 04-09-2005 at 04:41 AM.

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