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  • HELP Whats wrong with my Mom? (long)

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    Old 05-18-2006, 07:31 PM   #1
    sdjansen
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    Unhappy HELP Whats wrong with my Mom? (long)

    I dont know where to start. My Mom was always mean growing up. She was an alcoholic and pill popper.She sobered up and joined AA when I was about 12 years old. She also hated my father, she used to tell us that the only reason she was with him and her life was miserable was because of us kids. She finally left my father when I was 18 years old. She moved out and met a man and moved in with him, he was 30 (my mom was 50) and homeless. He got her started on drugs and alcohol again.
    Around this time she fell at work and hurt her back real bad so now she doesnt work and is disabled. Well a few years pass and she keeps down the wrong road and eventually lands herself in the mental ward at the hospital for possible suicide (too many pills). I went and visited her everyday and brought her stuff from her house like pictures and her bath robe, which I later found out she couldnt have, in fear she was going to hurt herself.
    When she finally got released from the hospital she decided that the best thing for her was to move down south (about 6 hours away) with her boyfriend who was missing during all of this. Well my life went on, I moved in with my boyfriend and started back at school. A few years later I found out I was pregnant and was very happy. I called up my Mom and told her the good news and she decided that she wanted to move back and be a part of her grandchilds life, with her boyfriend.
    So they show up about 2 weeks later with no money and are sleeping on my brothers couch until he loans them the money to get their own place. They found a studio and 2 weeks later my mom threw out her boyfriend, thank god, except little did I know this would send her tumbling down hill back into drugs and alcohol.
    Well I can say she made my pregnancy much harder except for when she would come and help me clean because I was on bed rest. Well last summer I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He had some complications when he was born and was in the NICU for 10 days, the worst ten days of my life. My Mom was there for that with emotional support, except for when we were finally coming home and she yelled at me and hung up on me because I didnt want to have anyone over the house.
    Life was quiet for a few months until her boyfriend shows back up, broke and hungary. And of course she takes him back. Around this time it was last christmas and my mom found out she was going to settle and receive a lump sum of money in about 6 weeks. She decides she does not want to live in her studio anymore and gives notice, and guess what, she didnt get the money yet. So there she is broke living in her car with the boyfriend. Now I cant let her live in her car with her back injury si I invite both of them to move into my travel trailer on my property, the property I bought from my Father.
    Well they were living here for about 2 weeks and didnt contribute anything and the boyfriend wasnt working so I asked them to leave. Knowing my mom had no where to go I told her she could stay here but not her boyfriend. She agreed because she said she wanted him out of her life.
    2 happy quiet weeks go by with no outbursts or fights. And then he showed up here. She started seeing him again everyday and then came home in a hysterical rage on monday. She was screaming that shes an adult and I cant tell her what to do and I am a spoiled princess just living her life and it is so hard being here and I treat her horribley after everything she has done for me. She is screaming all of this in front of my visibly scared 10 month old son.
    Well I lost it. I started yelling back and told her that she was a terrible mother and treated me like crap and disrespected my family and everything we work so hard for. I took the keys and told her to get out, that if its so horrible at my home with my family then she should just leave. Well she left on tuesday and I havent heard from her since.
    Im really worried about her doing something stupid but I feel like I should be thinking about my family first. I dont know what to do. It was like 25 years of pent up aggression and hurt towards her all came out at once. I do feel like I have some sort of obligation though because she is my mother. I know she has mental issues, supposedly she has multiple personalities and severe depression. I dont know what to do.
    Basically she blames me for every problem in her life and I am sick of being her scape goat but I dont want to destroy what little relationship we have left, and my son adores her. Well thank you for letting me vent a little bit and if anyone read this far and has advice please help!

     
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    Old 05-20-2006, 07:35 AM   #2
    Penny13
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    Re: HELP Whats wrong with my Mom? (long)

    Have you considered going to Al-Anon? I've heard they help.

    My personal view is that alcoholics and drug addicts are nothing but destructive to those around them, and that your best bet is to move forward with your OWN family and stop taking care of her. These people do nothing but hurt others. I may sound cold, but: Obligation my you-know-what!

    Good luck to you.

     
    Old 05-20-2006, 09:54 AM   #3
    Angel77
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    Re: HELP Whats wrong with my Mom? (long)

    Oh Sweetie, your story was absolutely draining! I lived it, too. I am now 29 and my mom died last year...partly due to her addictions. I was the scapegoat, too and it sucks.

    You are not obligated in any way, shape or form to be her door mat or kicking post! I know how much it hurts and how scary it is...but you have to separate from her and realize that her issues are her own and of her own choosing. She says she has a mental disorder, what is she doing about it? My mom was bi-polar and took lithium (after an attempted suicide) and DRANK on top of it! A huge no no. But, that was her choice.

    Honey, it is not your fault that she's living in a car with a back injury. She chose it by her actions. Her boyfriend is also an addiction. I guarantee it. My mom was always puting her men in front of me....it was just her nature.

    The best thing I ever learned was the art of fighting fair. It just sucks! Because they use your hostility to justify their actions toward you, even though your hostility and anger are justified.

    I just finished a few books by Sylvia Browne and they have helped me a ton! One thing she talks about is guilt. You should only feel guilty if you did something with malice and knowing it would hurt someone else....if you did it with good intentions, justifiably, etc. You should not hold onto any guilt because it was just a necessary part of life.

    Oh my, I've got to run to town with hubby, so I'll check in on you later sweetpea, try to have a good day and hold onto the fact that you are an awesome mom. You are already making the hardest choices to ensure the safety of your precious one. Good luck honey and my prayers are with you.

    ...................Angel
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    Old 05-20-2006, 01:45 PM   #4
    sdjansen
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    Re: HELP Whats wrong with my Mom? (long)

    I appreciate you writing such a nice response. I know I need to put my family ahead of my Mom, its just so hard. I cant help but worry about her and that affects other parts of my life. She actually sent me a email yesterday but would not tell me where she was. I have attended alanon meetings in the past but not in years. It would probabley be helpful for me now. It is just so hard for me to let go. Well I have to go now, the babys crying. I will check in later.

     
    Old 06-23-2006, 11:30 PM   #5
    Angel77
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    Re: HELP Whats wrong with my Mom? (long)

    Hey, I forgot where to find this post, and just found it again...how are you doing??? Is everything going okay?? I hope so.

    Give a holler and let us know how you're doing.
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    Old 06-24-2006, 07:13 PM   #6
    emeraldeyes114
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    Re: HELP Whats wrong with my Mom? (long)

    I am sorry that your mother was not so very motherly not only during your upbringing but at the times when you needed her most. To me it sounds like she might have Borderline Personality though of course I am not a doctor or anything. I think though you are worried about her it is a good thing you did what you did for yourself and your family. Sometimes we have to be selfish and take care of ourselves and immediate ones rather then the parents who should be able to look after themselves to some degree. I hope things have calmed down and that you are ok. I also hope you update this very soon.
    Emerald

     
    Old 07-03-2006, 09:40 AM   #7
    Master Yoda
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    Re: HELP Whats wrong with my Mom? (long)

    What you have been going through has been totally unfair. I think you should focus all of your efforts on your child and let your mother try to figure out what to do on her own. From what you described, numerous times you would help your mother out, and everytime she goes back to the man who is helping ruining her life. I know it sucks being a scapegoat for your mother's problems, I went through it with my family, my mother is Bipolar. My case isn't as severe as yours though, I feel quite bad for you and your child.

    I think your mom will have to figure out how to solve her problems on her own... you've been a lot, and that's great, but since you have your child I think you should do what is best for her. I would imagine your quite tired, and feel as if the candle is being burn't on both ends 7 days a week.

    Also, it is important to have a best friend, significant other, or someone who you can vent to.

    Good luck to you and your family.

     
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