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  • I am a failure. I cant help myself. I need advice on what I should do..

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    Old 08-03-2007, 07:25 AM   #1
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    I am a failure. I cant help myself. I need advice on what I should do..

    I would like to keep this short but I have several issues and Im not sure where to start..

    I wrote my post, and although its only off the top of my head, it seems like a lot to read so if you do not want to read everything just skip to the last 2 paragraphs.

    My largest concern has to do with college. I know am VERY capable of gettings good grades, but every quarter I am getting very bad grades, several failing. my problem is that I dont study, I put things off. I go through the whole quarter not knowing anything, and because of that I dont know what is going on during class and I often skip or sleep during class. I always tell myself that I will study later. And then when I midterm or final comes up, I TRY to make myself study. I try, often all night, to get myself started. I even try to start studying for a midterm 3 days in advance, but I always end up only studying the hour immediately before the exam. I really want to do well - every quarter I start off optimistic and I sign up for a large load (lots of math and science) but I always end up very bad. I have high expectations and ambitions for myself. I want to grow up and do something great. I want to have an impact on this world, but I cant even get through college. I also come from a stereotypical asian family (you know, parents - or parent on my case, put a lot of pressure for you to do well in school, succeed, whatever) so there is a lot of pressure from my family to do well, as well as pressure from myself.

    Next, I not very social. I dont want to see myself be alone, but often I feel it is more comfortable to be alone and miserable. I have some friends, but honestly I dont really like any of them. I think they are a bad influence for me. None of them are as intelligent as I am (Im not THAT smart, but I like people with some common sense), and none of them have much ambition. I never call them or initiate conversations with them, but they always call me and want to hang out and stuff. I wish they would stop talking to me and leave me alone so I can be by myself. Since middle school, I have been shy, I have had low self esteem, I have been bad at making friends. Ive never had a girlfriend, Ive never even really tried to get one. I feel awkward when Im around people. But, I really want to have friends I like, to be able to socialize comfortably, have a girlfriend, etc. This low self esteem has kind of made me feel.. depressed..? (im not really sure)

    It takes me so much effort (not physical, but mental) to get something done. I always put something off for a VERY long time - even eating and sleeping (right now is 7 in the morning and I havent went to bed yet). Although I put things off, the issue eats at me and tears me apart. I am constanty thinking of what I am supposed to do, but I dont do it!! its like I dread doing that thing, so I push it away and I try to avoid it. I day dream a lot, and I spend a lot of my day doing nothing. I dread going to sleep because I can never go to sleep without having my mind race with thoughts. But once I am asleep I dont want to get out of bed and often I end up sleeping too much!!

    Ever since I entered college, and started failing classes, I realized I have to do something. But I have been in this situation for a very long time (since middle school), I dont have the strength to pull myself out of this hole. I really think I am depressed, but I am not quite sure if I am imagianing it to so I have an excuse for my shortcommings. Almost every night I wish I have a gun so I just shoot myslelf and end everything, but I know I cannot do that because I have several family members and I know it would be selfish of me to put them through that. Out of highschool I wanted to join the army because I was feeling reckless, I wanted to do something dangerous where I can forget about the problems of everyday life. and plus, if i died, it wouldnt really be my fault. But being a stereotypical "scholarly" asian family, this is very unheard of so my mom wouldnt let me under any circumstances (I care about my family). I havent realy told any of my family members about my problems and I dont want to either because my mom doesnt beleive in things like "depression" - to her they are just excuses.

    I have sought some outside help by seeing a counseler at the counseling center at school (it took my a lot of effort to take the initiative) for like 2 months, but she was not helpful at all and I stopped going. She told me everything I already knew and suspected. Anyways I already know what I should be doing. I should take care of things right away, take things in small chunks, work on my most basic needs first (eating regularly, sleeping,

    I guess to sum it up, my high expectations of myself and my failure to do well in school is making me feel like crap. I dislike the few friends friends i have, I want them to go away. my lack of social skills and wanting to be alone makes me feel sad and miserable. My way of dealing with things I dont want to do is to avoid them and push them off, even though it only makes it worse. I feel hopeless and I really want to be dead. Im the type that looks and acts kind of emotionless (I keep it all in) and a few times I have even cried because I feel so hopeless (very unlike me). and Ive been going though all this for several several SEVERAL years (my counseler even told me it wont be easy to get out of it).

    So what can I do? whats wrong with me? I really want there to be medication to help me out, perhaps to make me more active or whatever. are there any? I never go see doctors or psychiatrists, are they very expensive? is medicine expensive? If you have any advice on any aspect, please tell me (I dont expect anyone to respong to all of my issues). actually after writing this all out I feel so hopeless and now it seems like nothing can really help me. I also feel really stupid for posting here, im not the type to expect anything (like help) from anyone - although I wish I could. thanks for reading this anyways..

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    Old 08-03-2007, 08:28 AM   #2
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    Re: I am a failure. I cant help myself. I need advice on what I should do..

    It sounds like you need something to be passionate about. You are just going through the motions in life with no real love for what you are doing. Are you going to school for something you REALLY want to do or are you just taking the easy way out and going for a degree that will assure you a high-paying position? You will never find true happiness in a paycheck, grasshopper...

    Last edited by Mainegirl; 08-03-2007 at 08:28 AM.

    Old 08-03-2007, 09:16 AM   #3
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    Re: I am a failure. I cant help myself. I need advice on what I should do..

    I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. It sounds like you have so much pressure to be perfect. Nobody is perfect, no matter how hard we try. The harder we try to be perfect, the worse we end up feeling and or failing. Going to a Psychiatrist can be expensive if you don't have insurance. Depending on where you live, it can cost between $200-$500 for the initial visit and $100 to $300 or so for follow up "med checks". Some Psychiatrists do therapy, but I have found that most of them just do medication management. I go to a separate person for therapy. Medication can be very expensive if you don't have insurance. I have Bipolar Disorder and I am prescribed 6 different medications. My cheapest med is $12 a month and my most expensive is $989.00 a month. I get samples of the expensive one whenever I can from my doctor to cut costs. Unfortunately, I have no insurance. I live in a pretty small town and we still have a low cost mental health clinic where I see my therapist and Psychiatrist. I only pay $20 per visit. If you really do some research, you should be able to find a similar clinic. If you have low income and no insurance, some pharmacutical companies have patient assistance programs to help you pay for meds. Actually-I think they all do. You have to have pretty low income though. I was on disability when I applied last year and made too much money to qualify. Good luck with school and I hope you feel better soon. Remember-try not to put so much pressure on yourself.

    Old 08-05-2007, 07:58 PM   #4
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    Re: I am a failure. I cant help myself. I need advice on what I should do..

    Sounds like you're definitely anxious, and could be depressed. Maybe there's an underlying learning problem that's been holding you back as well; inattentive-type ADHD is a common one that gets missed quite a lot.

    Okay, options:
    1. Your college probably has a counseling center. It won't be highly specialized; but it's probably way cheaper than a psychologist.
    2. Your family doctor. He can refer you to a psychologist/psychiatrist; just make a normal appointment and describe your difficulties. He can prescribe medications, which means that if you end up needing something for anxiety or depression, you can get your prescription through him.
    3. A psychologist, counselor, or coach. Any of these people can probably help you learn the skills you need to be more confident.
    4. Your college's academic assistance department. They deal not only with tutoring, but with study skills, organization, and the management of various sorts of disabilities (including mental-health problems like your anxiety/depression combo). You may be able to find a coach through them--someone who could keep you accountable, teach you how to schedule your time, and show you how to attack your schoolwork in the most non-threatening manner.

    BTW, I know where you're coming from--I had that problem myself. I actually ended up flunking out--but I'm back in college now. So even if the worst happens, you can come back from it... I know; I did. I'm still in touch with a counselor and an academic assistance coach; both are helping. For the most part, it's been a matter of learning new strategies instead of just "trying harder" (which doesn't work!). Sometimes, a matter of tricking my own brain...

    Anyway, good luck--lots of basically smart people get hung up in college, so you're not the only one.

    Last edited by Callista; 08-05-2007 at 07:59 PM.

    Old 08-05-2007, 09:56 PM   #5
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    Re: I am a failure. I cant help myself. I need advice on what I should do..

    You already know exactly what you need to do. STOP PROCRASTINATING. Do you live at home?? or is college away??? If you are away maybe you need to transfer back home so your parents can maybe push you in the right direction.

    You should try writing yourself notes on what you need to accomplish everyday and make yourself do it. Sure you can take breaks in between studying, but you have to force yourself to finish what you started.
    The only person that can help you is YOU. Use Positive self talk to complete your tasks. Tell yourself what needs to be done and just do it.

    Maybe some anxiety or depression medication will boost your spirits and send you in the right direction.

    I hope I don't sound too harsh, but maybe that is exactly what you need.

    Old 08-06-2007, 01:34 AM   #6
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    Re: I am a failure. I cant help myself. I need advice on what I should do..

    ilikekimchee I was the same way during school. To be honest I never could get motivated to study. Now that I am a business owner I work 18+ hours per day and since it is so much fun, gaining a celebrity status, making more money, and with limitless possibilities of what the future may bring I do not mind working that hard on my own. I realize it is more about what you want to do, but it is hard to find out what you really want to become and to continue being successful. About your friends, yeah I feel the same way a lot of people that I know like to get in trouble and smoke/drink at the club every weekend. I would like to meet some people that I could learn from and not get involved in the drama or other bad things.

    Old 08-15-2007, 03:52 PM   #7
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    Re: I am a failure. I cant help myself. I need advice on what I should do..

    I don't think something is wrong with you. In fact, i think you are very smart young man; you can recognize bad influence of your friends, you know what's wrong and what is right... this already a good progress at your age, this is something to be proud about.
    I have a son who was just 23. We pushed him to go to college... and we regret this till now. Why? From being a happy, nice person he became angry, agressive, depressed and very unhappy. And yes, he could not accomplish anything - always was late for everything, hiding papers with bad grades...
    Finally second year he got very sick with Mono and got depression right after. He told us honestly that he is very unhappy in college, that this is not his cup of tea. It was hard to let him go, but we want the best for him and his health. He quit and now he is a different person: working very hard, supporting himself, shares apartment with his girlfriend and soooo happy. Often what we parents want for our kids not nesseseraly our kids want.
    And if he ever decided to go back - it will be his decision, not ours.
    You are at the age when people establish themself, where peer presure is high -not and easy age, but all of us went through this.
    Find what you enjoy in this life, what gives you pleasure and let it be your hobby; school like a job - you don't want to do it, but you have to do it. And it is true that when you let things go for a long time without taking care of them on time - than it's harder to catch up. Something in your life has to give you excitment - find it and life will be more interesting.
    Good luck you, i am sure you will finaly find yourself. Good thing you have your family who loves you and that you love and cherish them.

    Old 08-24-2007, 09:20 AM   #8
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    Re: I am a failure. I cant help myself. I need advice on what I should do..

    First. I don't think you are a failure. You are just going through a difficult time and it's okay. Yes, you might be depressed but only a doctor can diagnose that. The first thing I suggest is that you go and see atleast your family doctor if not a Psychiatrist. Yes, it can be quite expensive. Especially if you don't have insurance. If you have insurance, it can be manageable. Medicine can be pretty expensive too, but your doctor can probably help you with that by prescribing you a generic form or giving you samples. If you get medicine, it will most likely be something you have to take for your life, not just until you feel better. Keep that in mind. Also, if you are thinking of killing yourself you need to get help ASAP. If you start to really think you could harm yourself, go to the emergency room immediately. Suicidal thoughts can turn to actions very quickly. You also might want to lighten your school load until you are feeling better. I have done the same thing. I have gotten really ambitious and registered for a lot of hard classes that I just ended up dropping or failing because I didn't study or even show up to class. You will be okay, just take some action to make you feel better. Good luck.

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