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  • high anxiety over break up - PLEASE HELP!

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    Old 02-03-2003, 11:42 AM   #1
    sportrider
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    Unhappy high anxiety over break up - PLEASE HELP!

    OH people...i don't know where to start!...

    I'm a 30yr old guy - I was going out with my 30yr old ex girlfriend for 9 months, 7 of which were, by her admission, fantastic. She was the most fantastic woman i have ever known. She was, and is, the perfect girl for me. I love everything about her, everything. I fell so hard for this girl, and i, for the first time in my life, completely committed to this woman, i was honestly ready to spend the rest of my life with her.
    Then over the last 2 months, she got colder and colder and colder to the point where there was no intimacy in the relationship, physical OR mental OR personal.

    She recently (about a week or so ago) broke up with me - VIA EMAIL. We had seen each other the night before and I was a little bit frustrated, but was mostly pleasant during dinner. She said nothing. She invited me back to her place to sleep over, and I went. We curled up to watch some tv, then eventually went to bed. I tried to initiate sex but she told me she didn't want to "go there" right now, so I respected her wishes and just held her in bed and went off to sleep.

    The next morning I noticed that she was acting QUITE distant to me, and I gave her a kiss goodbye and went off to work, and she went off to work.

    I emailled her and thanked her for the evening, and emailed back and forth a couple times regarding "us" stuff, and then she broke up with me VIA EMAIL, while i was at work, while i had a deadline at the end of the day, which she knew. I was floored, and the rest of my week was miserable to say the least. She wouldn't meet me to talk to me, she said she "couldn't" talk to me right now...

    Now - it's been a week i guess and i know it's normal for it to hurt, but I feel HUGE ANXIETY over this - and I don't know what to do!

    I seem to think about this all day long, and i'm miserable - and in physical pain too! I feel like my chest is all heavy, and find it hard to breathe steadily, I feel all tight in my chest, I feel like I want to cry probably 2 times a day lately. I don't know what to do!

    Can somebody suggest some way to overcome this unbearable mountain of greif that is cripling me?

    I don't want to feel like this - I don't want to feel lost and helpless, I don't want to feel like crying, I don't want to feel unwanted, and so utterly alone, and, and, and, and....you know?

    I was completely in LOVE with this woman and now even though we're not together, I don't know how or why she could not talk to me or SOMEthing, I know i shouldn't call her and I should just act like i'm getting my life back on track and maybe she'll come back to me, I know I shouldn't talk to her, email her, call her, I should not be in contact with her at all, and i'm not. - But i think about calling her or seeing her one last time, just to be able to say goodbye, and look in her eyes and at least see for myself that there's nothing left in there from her point of view towards me.

    I shouldn't call her or contact her, because I know it'll jsut drive her away more, but I'm having SUCH a hard time dealing with this, yknow? The pain i'm feeling daily, for most of the day, is by far the worst pain and anguish i've ever felt in my life - worse than when my grandfather died...and maybe that's what it feels like - like somebody died, because i can't talk to her to say goodbye, i can't look at her one last time and know that this is it, I can't tell her goodbye, etc...

    All i can do is sit here in my own private hell, suffering inside, while still having to work, interact with co-workers, then family, other people.

    I'm so broken up abotu this and I just don't know what to do...can somebody PLEASE HELP ME? I feel out of control for the first time in my life - And i don't know what to do...HELP! PLEASE!...my heart is broken and i feel physically and mentally horrible!...HELP! PLEASE.

     
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    Old 02-05-2003, 04:21 AM   #2
    blue cloud
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    i know how you are feeling right now and it sucks big time (well i more than sucks but i cant use the language that would justify the feeling on here)
    when i read what you had written it was like i could have written it about my split from my ex boyfriend and all the feelings came back to me
    i guess at least he had the decencey not to do it via e-mail but the feelings were still the same

    i was on tranquelisers(sp) for two weeks after the break up as i could not function at all so you are doing better than you think i know you are hurting big time right now but all i can say is that the pain does ease with time and i know that you will be thinking 'so everyone has tols me but i dont have time i want this pain to stop!'
    there are no quick fixes to this i wish i could just say something to you to take the pain awawy i really do but all i can do right now is tell you that i understand where you are coming from

    if things start going down hill you can always go speak to your dr about it i know that sounds pretty pointless but sometimes they can actually come up with some pretty good suggestions http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/idea.gif

    take care and you are welcome here to vent your problems and how you are feeling http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

    let me know how you are doing



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    Old 02-06-2003, 09:52 PM   #3
    ShadowDragon
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    Hi...

    Sorry about the break up, and sorry to see how much it pains you.

    My boyfriend of 1yr and 4months broke up with me in late October. I had never loved anyone more. We remained 'friends' after the break up, so I saw him a handful of times afterwards in the company of our mutual friends. My biggest concern was that I didn't want him to know how deeply it upset me, because I know he didn't mean to hurt me. I just want him to be happy no matter what. So I had to make myself feel better so my pain wouldn't show.

    I colored and cut my hair, bought new make-up and clothes. Changed my outlook on life a bit too.

    If there is anything you can do for yourself, whether it's a change in your appearance, or maybe something you've been wanting to do, get out there and make it happen. Not only will this take things off your mind for a moment without you even realizing it, but when you feel better about a little something in your life, that grows.

    Know that you loved her with all that you were, the best that you could when you were given the chance. That is all you could have done. Maybe she will realize what she has just given up and change her mind. Or maybe her decision is final; in either case, after you've had some time to sort through your emotions, I think she at least owes you a discussion. Breaking up in an e-mail isn't exactly the best method. Mostly because it's one-way communication, which leaves the recipient, you, with a lot of confusion and misunderstanding. You deserve an explanation, which I think would help you clear things up in your mind and your heart.

    Also, if you have someone you can talk to, a good friend. Go see them. You don't even have to discuss your break up. Just be with them, remind yourself that there are good people out there who love you and care about you. Enjoy their company, it will help you start enjoying life again.

    I hope this helped you some.

    -Shadow Dragon



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    Old 02-06-2003, 10:35 PM   #4
    Autumn Angel
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    Seems to be you need closure at least. Shes been pulling this distant stuff on you without any explanation then she dumps you VIA Email which is the cowards way out forsure. I know you love her but you have to put yourself first right now. Talk to your Doc and maybe he can give you something to ease your nerves for the time being. My brother's ex girlfriend of 12 years left him for a drummer in a rock band she was seeing him when my brother was working nights. Anyway they broke up and my brother moved back home untill him and the ex could sell the house and he couldnt even function at work he was so upset. The Doc gave him Ativan 1mg when he felt depressed or anxious and it worked for him and he eventually got over her. That was 6 years ago he lives with a very nice girl now they have been together 4 years. My point is no matter how bad it seems right now the pain will go away in time. Get the closure you need from her as you need it to be able to move on...then go your own way and fall in love again someday when you are ready. God Bless.

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    Cheers...Autumn
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    If I can help ANYONE with anything from a papercut to a life threatening illness, I will do my best just to be a friend. " A friend is someone who knows all your faults and loves you anyway".

     
    Old 02-21-2003, 09:19 AM   #5
    carolynn
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    I'm soooo sorry for what you are going through! It is painful and what you are describing feeling sounds like anxiety attacks. Maybe the suggestion of seeing a doctor about this is a good one? Perhaps they can help and give you something to take temporarily ?

    I don't know if it would have been easier for you if your girlfriend would have had the decency to at least talk with you about her fading feelings a LONG time ago... she was cruel, and mean! If she did opt to come back, how could you ever trust her? Maybe ask yourself that question. Personally, i think you are too good for her!!!

    You are doing the right thing by not contacting her at all, as well (for your own sanity).

    Have you tried taking long walks or exercising to release some of your anxiety and frustration over this? Exercise releases endorphins into your system, and doctors refer to endorphins as "happy hormones"....hence, we feel better after we get 20 minutes of brisk walking or exercise in!

    It will take time for your heart to mend.... i wish you all the best.. xoxox hugz to you if ok....

    carolynn

     
    Old 05-05-2003, 09:12 PM   #6
    Thorobred
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    I know exactly what your going through. I'm going through it myself right now. I'm 33 and I broke up with my girlfriend 4 months ago after a fight we had. I'm unbelievably depressed. I feel like I ruined my whole life. I've tried everything to try to get her back. She has moved on with someone else. We were together for 2 years. It's been eating me up alive. She wants me out of her life forever. If I contact her in anyway, she said tha she would file a harrassment charge against me. Also, I lost my job right after the break up. I'm taking ativan and remeron. The ativan seems to help. I hope it does not get addicting. I also moved into a very expensive appartment in the upper east side of NYC right after I lost my job. I have no friends here and I live alone.
    I'm going crazy every day. I miss her and I'm unbelievably lonely. I feel like I will never be happy again. I've been hurting this bad for FOUR MONTHS! All my friends are married. I'm borderline suicidle. I'm only alive because my mother and brother would be hurt if I took my life.


     
    Old 05-06-2003, 06:17 AM   #7
    HoosierBj
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    Unless you have developed an actual anxiety disorder, there is only ONE thing that will help you and that is Time.
    And enough of it so that you can look back and tell yourself that it all worked out the way it was supposed to.

    I had to track my "withdrawing boyfriend" down at a softball game to make him tell me that it was over.
    I cried before/after/lunchtime at work for two weeks straight.
    6 months later I met the guy I was MEANT to be with and we've been married for 14 yrs.
    You couldn't have told me there was a guy like him in my future - the ex-boyfriend and I had been together 2 1/2 years and were making honeymoon plans.

    Don't expect yourself to be healed from such a jolt to your emotional system so soon. Give it some time. She meant alot to you. There was love there - you can't expect love to evaporate so soon!!

    But you can't believe there is only one person on earth that you can truly love either!!
    Hang in there, come back here and to the Relationships boards often - you're never ever alone here.

     
    Old 05-15-2003, 12:32 AM   #8
    Julie-K
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    You sound like a really decent person who has been treated really badly!
    Seems like at the moment you are still thinking she was your 'soul-mate' and 'the love of your life' seems like she didn't feel the same way.
    You can do better and one day will find the real 'love of your life' and hopefully your'soul-mate' believe me that person will not be the type of person who would dump you (or anyone else) by email!
    You will do so much better, and are worth much better. Who cares why she dumped you, let her go!
    Find someone that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and treat her the same way.
    Thinking of you.
    Jules
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    Old 05-15-2003, 10:23 AM   #9
    fallingapart
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    So sorry about the breakup. What others have said is right-only time can heal these wounds. In the meantime, you can try to reduce the amount of time you spend thinking about it, by engulfing yourself in other activities. I know its hard at first, but you can do something you like-like a hobby, or take a day trip on the weekend, or something like that. Do something you wouldn't normally do, go somewhere you wouldn't normally go. If you like to exercise, go to the gym and run that anxiety off. Sometimes I take long speedwalks. You have to do things, as hard as it is to get motivated, it is the only thing that will keep you sane right now. Don't sit in your room in a corner and cry-I'm telling you-it only makes the pain harder to bear. I remember feeling that chest thing and the breathing. Mine lasted for months. I was a mess.Try to get your mind off of it, but occupying it with other things. You will still think about her, but at least it won't be as much.

    Another thing-one day she will come back around and realize her mistake. I would almost guarantee it. Unless you were a real jerk to her, which I doubt you were, she is going to realize the err of her ways. But, don't be fooled. If she could dump you like this now, I strongly suggest you don't take her back a second time. There would have to be a really good reason why she did this to you-like she's in the witness protection program or something like that. She was completely insensitive to you, by breaking up with you via email at work. Who does that? If she comes back to you now, muster up all your strength, and stay away from her. There are better women out there. It may take time, more time than you'd like it to, but you will find somebody better. I know that is not what you want to hear, but believe me, I've been there, and I took my guy back a second time, and now I just cringe when I think of the HUGE mistake I made in doing that. It only took a few months before the same things were happening again.

    Good luck and come to vent to us here on the board.

     
    Old 07-16-2003, 12:28 PM   #10
    been_there
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    I read your post and I can sympathize with you since i've been in situations like that myself. When you're young you don't have the wisdom and coping skills that a more mature and older person would have. when you're young you're concentrating on building a career, you have sexual hormones going on, a lot of your thinking can be dictated by your hormones, including your assessment of how good or bad something may be.
    young people are very vulnerable to their emotions and have very romantic ideas that may not in fact be reality. Because of all these complications with logical thinking, you can paint yourself into a corner and literally be devastated. this is a fact of life that a lot of people find themselves in and that is why being young can be so painful. But there are a lot of lessons you can walk away with, but first you need time to heal. Don't listen to music that reminds you of the person, and don't go to places that you frequented as a couple, get involved with other people that you had perhaps overlooked in the past. Traveling doesn't usually help heal a broken heart, it will only make you feel worse. Surround yourself with people who love you. It is important that you don't let this experience define who you are. You must realize that you are a good quality person and not let another's rejection of you color your thinking about yourself. A lot people think and rack their brains endlessly about what they could have done differently or better in the relationship, and oftentimes the fault lies in the other person. It is important that you don't beat yourself up. You can also examine your conscience to determine if you made mistakes along the way, and that can help you grow in your next relationship. It sounds from your post that you seemed to have jumped into this relationship with both feet. This type of behavior can be unwise at best and self destructive at worse. To jump in with both feet, you are making an enormous emotional investment. It is important to assess what about this woman was so captivating to you. It is equally important to assess what she didn't have. I had a bad pattern of dating and self destructive behavior. Finally, I stopped dating altogether for about 10 years, and I was much happier. Then I met someone in a junk shop one day and cultivated a slow friendship. I just took one day at a time and began to see that this person was offering me unconditional friendship, companionship and love, he was the person of my dreams.
    Don't be discouraged, be hopeful, and you will find that each day you will hurt less. It may take several weeks. After a few months she may try to contact you. Don't give in and go back with her. A lot of times women will go back with someone they rejected just because someone broke up with them, and they need to fill a void. Don't get your heart set on her calling you again, just keep a positive attitude, and keep doing things that comfort you and make you feel good. Sometimes it helps if you have a good cry, a good friend you can confide in that will be there for you, if you have close relationship with your mother or father, that often is very comforting, but absolutely do not drink or take drugs because it only prolongs your pain. When you feel you are ready to date others, you want to see what the other person has to offer you and take things casually and slow. Don't jump into bed with someone right away until you have built a solid relationship first. When you sleep with someone, your emotions are completely out there. It is a very serious thing to consider. Most people think women get hurt by having sex with someone that doesn't love them, but it can be even more devastating to young men.I often got a great deal of comfort from my religion and faith in God. If you have a religion, you may want to go back to church if you have not attended for a long time. Sometimes talking to a clergy person can help you along. But the only thing that really heals is time, so you have to give yourself the time to heal. SOme people take longer than others, some take a month, some take a year or two. Give yourself as much as you need. Don't set yourself on a time table. But, I guarantee, if you do the things I suggested, in six months or so, you'll start having more good days than bad ones. Weeks will go by without you thinking of this person. That is how you know you're getting over a person. Another useful tip, for many things, is walking briskly in the evening, for about an hour. It helps you to work things out of your system and clears your head and helps you to sleep better, which is very important. Because, if you don't sleep well, you'll have worse days. Also, keep a good nuitritious diet of proteins and vegetables, every day. That keeps your electrolytes in balance, so you can think more clearly. Trace minerals from vegetables are very important in your brain chemistry, to keep you on an even keel. Sometimes a piece of chocolate can increase the serotonin in your brain, so you will feel better. I hope I gave you some insight that will help you heal your pain.

     
    Old 08-31-2003, 09:03 AM   #11
    Bluestone9
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    Sorry about your pain. Three words: I've been there.
    In 1999 I thought a breakup was going to drive me insane. I obsessed 24/7 and then in my dreams about this girl...but the bottom line is, cruel and hard as this sounds...you cannot make someone love you. All you CAN do is try, to the best of your ability, to take care of yourself and let the grief run its course. Grief is a type of insanity...but don't worry...you're not crazy and you will see the sunlight again. Hang on. Listen to Sting's "Mercury Falling" and "Brand New Day"; "Jagged Little Pill" by Alanis Morrissette, and "Dosage" by Collective Soul. This is great healing music. CRY...all the time if you have to. You are going to feel awful for a while, unfortunately...but you will be tempered and strong on the other side, and will be wiser and better. Get up, breathe, put one foot in front of the other, grieve, and try to take care of yourself. You are alive and you WILL return to sanity soon. Good luck!
    Matt

     
    Old 09-02-2003, 12:27 PM   #12
    Optimist415
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    Please please don't take meds. What you're going through is a normal reaction to a horrible event. Losing someone you care about, especially if you aren't quite resolved to why it happened, is extremely difficult. Be kind to yourself right now. Try to figure out what happened so you can move on, but don't feel bad if you don't have all the answers. Talk to others in similar situations. Find some good friends you can talk with each day just to vent. Throw yourself into work and exercise. Life throws us some very difficult punches sometimes, but other times we get wonderful things, too. You will find love again. Just let yourself heal.

     
    Old 09-02-2003, 12:30 PM   #13
    Optimist415
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    And yes, I can see how horrible it is that she didn't tell you what was going on. But you need to calm down and see if you can see what led up to this - think creatively about it. And then set a time limit, maybe a week, where you calmly call her or email her and request that she tell you what happened - tell her that she owes it to you after such a long time and that you need some closure in order to learn from the situation and move on. Relationships take two people - and it's also impossible to guess what another person is feeling. Good luck - and know that love can really suck sometimes. You're not alone - where do you think all the inspiration for all those sad love songs comes from?

     
    Old 04-10-2005, 06:46 AM   #14
    bthere
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    Re: high anxiety over break up - PLEASE HELP!

    OK, I have read what you have said and it was like I wrote iit myself. I registered just so I could reply to you.

    I also have been going through a rough time. Yes the (I thought) love of my life did exactly as yours did. Suddenly there was cold feelings coming from a sweet person. Long story short she was seeing someone else. She is pregnant by this bum she has known for 3 months. Now, not complete bitterness here, he has not worked in the 3 months she has been with him. Just letting you know that as bad as you have it, someone always has it worse.

    Am I over her? NO! Wish I could tell you I was. She left for Alabama this week and she did not tell me bye. She has never given me closure on this. She doesn't want to cut the strings. She knows that I am still in love with her and I think this is called being used, a fool, stupid old man. Whatever, that is why I am here talking to you, looking for a way to get over her. Hoping trying to help you helps me.

    If you need meds, then take meds. I had to the first month. I was loosing it and I knew it.

    Age doesn't mean squat. Well, it may be in your favor. You are young enough to hurt and grow and go. My only advise here is to not let this stop you from falling in love again. Do not let her scar your heart.

    I hope for your sake it does get better for you. Like I said, this is just our hearts that are busted. We have to get better, we have to get out of the dark and back into the light. They dumped us, their lose for real!

     
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