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just found out my fiancé was raped when she was 15, how do i help her

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Old 03-19-2010, 07:29 PM   #1
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1
kor8806 HB User
Question just found out my fiancé was raped when she was 15, how do i help her

i don't know what to do?????

about a month ago my fiance told me that she was raped numerous times when she was 15 by her bf that was 18. He was also very verbally abusive and physically abusive! She is now 23, and i am 22. we have a very healthy relationship, i couldn't have asked to fall i love with a better person.

But in talking with her about it, i have found out that it still a fresh traumatic event! She told me that she wants to have sex with me, but sometimes she feels like she has to or i will get mad. which i told her was wrong. But she still has anxiety about it.

i told her maybe we could go to couples counseling together, or try and find a support group, so she can see that she isn't the only on dealing with these problems. And maybe try and put some closure on this matter. But she said she would be embarrassed to go to something like that.

Because i don't want this effecting out relationship later on down the road. Because i feel sex is the most special way a man and women and express their love for each other. and to her it seems like something she has to do or i will get mad?? Which isn't true at all, and i have told her that!

Also I think the hostile relationship has lead to other problems as well, she is suffering from self image problems and an acute eating disorder. I tell her all the time that she is beautiful to try and boost her self esteem(but i mean it to I'm not just saying that)

I mean most days she is great, happy, cheerful. and she told me she loved having sex with me, but she said some times she feels like she has to to keep me happy. And that isn't true.

so basically what I'm asking, what should i do to help her get past this. So we can have a long healthy relationship together, without her feeling like she has to do something to make me happy, or to love her??

i know this wont be a one day fix, but i am in this for the long haul and im going to see this tell the end!!

looking forward to your helpful replies!!!

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Old 04-22-2010, 08:03 AM   #2
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 3
danni46 HB User
Re: just found out my fiancé was raped when she was 15, how do i help her

It;s good that you are concerned for her well-being.

The best thing I can tell you, having known (way too many sadly) women that were raped is to be there for her and give her what you are now, affection and support. But be wary, she may need time alone as well, if this happens just know it isn't personal and give her space for some time. If she's willing, talking to a rape crisis counselor could also help her. I wish you the best of luck.

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leewind (11-17-2010)
Old 04-23-2010, 07:45 AM   #3
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 58
guy983 HB User
Re: just found out my fiancé was raped when she was 15, how do i help her

How long have the two of you been together? If it's been a short time, she may just need the time to feel more comfortable with things. She may need to see that you will stick around through thick and thin.

Old 04-23-2010, 08:29 AM   #4
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4
ceeceee HB User
Re: just found out my fiancé was raped when she was 15, how do i help her

i was rape also this thing take time to get over and trust someone and she need to see some about her mode swings i needed meds and iam happly married now but i went though a lots off heart breaks and i had to learn it is me not them so pls tell her to get some help dont worry about what people think because she need to be happy for herself and then she can love you the same

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leewind (11-17-2010)
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