confused...girlfriend's rape

04-20-2010, 11:54 AM

So a few months back I posted about how i thought my girlfriend's dad raped her.

Supposedly I read everything wrong. When I first asked her if there is anything i should know about her, she replied that her father was a perv and that she was also forced into sex. What I did not put together was that these were two different things.

Her father never did anything to her, and after 4 months of daily stressing about it I finally found out. Though her father was perverted (watched porn on computer, watched my gf get out of shower, etc), she tells me that he never touched her. It was hard for me to believe at first, but now i am putting everything together.

Here is how it went last night:

I ask her if she wants to talk about her abuse, and she says she feels comfortable talking about it now. So i ask her how it happened. she says she was at a party when it happened, and she was too drunk to remember much of anything. I asked her how that could be possible that her dad did it to her, and she replied that it was not her dad who did it to her, but someone at the party. I was in complete shock because this whole time I misinterpretted a text message. I feel very stupid.

Anyways i guess i feel a little better about the whole situation because i can feel ok when shes home (and her father is there), but i am just adjusting to the whole thing now. Now that I know her family didnt do anything wrong, i want to do something, or want her to take action against this guy (I have heard that doing something about it makes victims empowered again).

The lesson here, to me, is to always try to talk about these things without pressuring the victim. It kept me worried and disgusted for quite a while until i found out the truth, and was ashamed for not clearing things up earlier.

Thanks for listening to my rambling. There are no direct questions, just thought i would share this. Thanks

04-20-2010, 12:34 PM

You should take a step back from the situation. The impulse to "do something" is normal, but there's nothing for you to do, other than be there to provide support for your girlfriend.

It sounds like you still don't have all the details as to what happened. I wouldn't pry either; just make yourself available to her and, in time, I'm sure she'll let you know how you can help, if at all.

04-20-2010, 02:52 PM

I worked with someone who was raped while passed out drunk at a house party. She became pregnant from this encounter. Can you imagine?? She had the child and is now a single mother, since she has no idea who at the party raped her.

She now wants nothing to do with men or with sex. She thinks anything to do with men and/or sex is repulsive. After what she went through, it's understandable, if sad.

Her child is a boy. I just hope for both their sakes she doesn't pass her negative feelings about men on to her son.

Your GF sounds like she is finding a way to come to terms with what happened. She must be a pretty strong person. I think she may end up just fine.

04-21-2010, 09:22 AM

Not every woman needs to take action to feel empowered or get over it. You should not push your gf to do anything; she needs to work through this on her own, as she has been doing. Right or wrong, it's HER decision and hers only on how to handle it, as she is an adult.

Just be there if she wants to talk, listen to her but resist the impulse to give advice or fix the situation. That would be the surest way to take away her power and let her know you don't trust her to make decisions or run her own life.

confused...girlfriend's rape

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