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I don't feel "real" and I think it's ruining my life.

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Old 07-17-2010, 09:06 AM   #1
Join Date: Jul 2010
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youngperson HB User
I don't feel "real" and I think it's ruining my life.

It's very hard for me to explain how I feel, because it's such a bizarre thing for most others to understand. My problem is that I have my head "in the clouds" too much. I started daydreaming when I was in middle school as a way to escape reality, because I was an outcast and I felt uncomfortable with myself. I used to daydream about being better looking, more outgoing, funnier, having more friends, having all sorts of crazy experiences, etc. The thing is, daydreaming became my main state of mind. I was never really paying attention to the present, I was always off in Lala Land. Basically my attention was always split, the bigger part was always daydreaming and the other part just barely focused on reality so that I could talk if people asked me a question or addressed me.

I did this all through middle school and high school. While I did have a few close friends, I was never popular. Now I'm in college and my life is a little bit better now. I still don't have too many friends (partly because I have the habit of isolating myself and partly because of other circumstances) but nobody bullies me anymore. Actually everyone's really nice to me. My problem is that I now have completely lost the ability to connect with other people around me. I don't know why, I just haven't felt the "spark" of true friendship with anyone. When I hang out with them, I feel like I'm just waiting for the connection to be formed, but it never does. I don't care about them and I don't feel like they truly care about me. To be honest, I feel like I have no real friends and I'm very lonely. I've felt this way since the beginning of my senior high school year, because that was the year in which my best friends graduated (they were a year older) so I was left by myself all the time.

I think part of the reason I'm so unable to connect with anybody is because I'm so out of it. Even if I'm not daydreaming, I've reached a point where I feel like I'm not truly in reality. I feel numb to everything. And it's crazy because I know that I should absolutely love my life. I go to the school I wanted to go to, I live in an awesome city, I'm studying exactly what I want to be studying, the people around me are nice, I have a good family, I'm healthy, I'm not gorgeous but I'm decent looking, and I have a pretty good job. And yet I still feel so unhappy. I feel like I'm living life in a haze and none of my experiences feel very real.

The only time in which I feel like I'm really, really here down to earth is when I'm doing something extreme, like when I'm on a roller coaster. But I can't be doing crazy things all the time, so I don't know what to do.

I don't have any drug problems, if anyone is wondering. Nor do I have a drinking problem. I do however have an electronics addiction. I'm always listening to my iPod, because the songs help me daydream better, and I'm also always on my computer when I'm home. I waste HOURS of my precious time doing nothing. It gets in the way of my ability to do things I really should be doing, even if they're things I love.

I've completely lost my ability to focus as well, so I think I have some kind of attention disorder. Even when I'm reading (which I love to do) I don't feel like my focus is truly on the story. My mind is always half thinking about something else.

And I have an extreme anger problem. I started becoming angry when I was young. I can pretty much bet that it's a result of all my bullying. I spent all day getting crap at school, accumulating anger, and when I got home I'd just unleash it towards my parents and siblings. Basically all my anger gets thrown at my family because I know that they'll tolerate my outbursts and not abandon me. I don't do that with friends, because I know very well that they actually have the choice of discontinuing a relationship with me. It's really starting to hurt my parents. I love them dearly, but I don't know how to control myself. Everyday I tell myself that I'm going to be nicer and not throw fits, but when something annoys me, I forget all about my promises and I lose it. Then I feel all guilty and I hate myself for being such a *****.

I'm so messed up. And honestly I'm kind of embarrassed at the idea of going to the therapist or psychologist.

Last edited by youngperson; 07-17-2010 at 09:10 AM.

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Old 07-26-2010, 06:56 AM   #2
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 61
Vuk HB User
Re: I don't feel "real" and I think it's ruining my life.

I'm not a doctor but feeling unreal can be symptoms of depersonalization or derealization. Many people have and is most often caused by anxiety and similar problems. I would like to ask you why are you embarrassed to see a psychologist? Try to see a physician first, tell him all what bothers you, maybe print this what you wrote so s/he can read. Nothing embarrassing in seeking help.

Daydreaming, I had that for many years. I don't think your problem is serious and therapy alone should help you but like I said, please see a doctor.

Old 08-17-2010, 02:51 AM   #3
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: liverpool, merseyside, uk
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frontline82 HB User
Re: I don't feel "real" and I think it's ruining my life.

wow, for a second there, i thought i wrote that...
thats exactly how i feel, i always felt like the world around me was fake, put there to keep me busy, i dont feel any connections with anyone.
i even find it difficult interacting with my family and its getting worse.
when the film the matrix came out i saw things more clearly, it made me realise just how i saw the world around me but i am terrified that if i go to see a shrink they will lock me up and say i am insane. i spend all my time daydreaming, play rpg games on my xbox so i can live a more interesting and dangerous life. i know they are games and not technically real, but then again they feel more real to me than what i am living.
i hate people and feel like i am constantly being analysed, especially by my family.
downside to being emotionally detatched, i find it difficult to find work and have been unemployed most of my life.
at least you have some level of social interactions, that keeps you sane.
when you get to the point i am at, where you spend all your time alone in your own little world and forget to do things then you can worry...

Old 10-20-2010, 08:04 PM   #4
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: US
Posts: 76
WanderingAround HB UserWanderingAround HB UserWanderingAround HB User
Re: I don't feel "real" and I think it's ruining my life.

To the OP - The first two paragraphs could easily be about me.

Quite simply, I went on Prozac. It's an SSRI so it helps inhibit the reuptake of serotonin, so basically less serotonin is lost inbetween the neurotransmitters.
It helped even me out - you could say I even became sociable. My mood swings were less violent, and although my head was still in the sky I could connect with a few people.

You are not alone in this, but please try to find help if you think you need it.
There is nothing embarrassing about going to a therapist or psychologist, I guarantee they have seen crazier people than you (<-- comic relief), and their job is to help YOU. As for the social stigma, it has been declining over recent years. Also, I think you'd be suprised to find out how many people that you know have been to a therapist/psychiatrist. I have been to multiple of each, and it's not a shameful thing.

Best of luck.

Last edited by WanderingAround; 10-20-2010 at 08:05 PM.

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