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Feeling horrible...

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Old 11-08-2011, 03:02 PM   #1
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 13
Feeling horrible...

Argh, I realise I'm just going to have to get through it, but I'm feeling horrible, and I believe it is the alopecia that is the straw that broke the camels back.

Even since I was young, I remember having health problems. At the age of 2 - even before I fully remember - my left eye was scared due to Herpes Symplex in my eye. I was habing asthma attacks a plenty, and I was diagnosed with being allergic to Nuts (severe allergy), eggs and milk.

In year 1, I was put in a separate room at lunch time because of this. The school thought it was a good idea to separate me from all my piers at the the age of 6 because of my allergy's. Not sure I have ever gotten over this. I was allowed 1 person to eat with me each time. Sometimes the person who I would want to eat with would say "No." I can't begin to tell you the pain that caused me.

My parents eventually fought against this and I was able to eat with my piers after 2 years of being isolated.

In year 5, the herpes came back in my eye and in a big way. It completely covered one side of my face, and I had to wear sunglasses because the sun hurt my eyes (and because my eyes looked completely gross). Had to bear the eyedrops (which I hated - more on medication in a moment), and it generally sucked.

Year 7. First year of secondary school. A fairly big transition by all accounts. I spent my summer rushing to the toilet. Diagnosis? The auto-immune disease bowel disease Ulcerative Colitis. I was eventually put in hospital under which I was given steroids that must have taken a year to reduce. Christmas that year, I was also put into hospital. The diagnosis put me on a lot of medication. We're talking about 30 tablets a day at some points. And the steroids - wow - they are horrible drugs. I gained a mammouth amount of weight. I became moody, and so hungry that I used to get upset about not having enough food.

We're in year 8 now, and I start losing my hair. I believe I lost about 30% of my hair. At the time, alopecia was not a big deal. I just on with it and went about my days. And my hair did grow back within about 6 months. But, still another, possibly unconscious, blow to my self image.

Year 9 and the herpes attacks again. I have to wear sunglasses. Girls and things are starting to matter by this point. When people are asking whats covering one side of your face, it was incredibly hard to think of something without going - "herpes" - cause you could have guessed the reaction would of been if I had said that. I was standing out as being 'different' by this point.

In year 11 I decide to stop taking the medication for my Ulcerative Colitus. We can argue all day this was the wrong decision but thats what I did. The more I took the medication, the more it reminded me that I was indeed, ill. So I stopped. Year 13 I was taken into hospital for 2 weeks and missed out on the holiday that me and about 20 others had been planning for six months to celebrate the end of term.

About 4 months before I was taken into hospital, I started loosing my hair big time. I have had to shave it all off. Loosing my hair at this stage is heartbreaking. No girl is ever going to like me. Suddenly I find myself going out my way to isolate myself. I can't make friend looking like this?

Uni has only exsasabated the situation. Every time I look at my head in the mirror I'm reminded of my F-ed up body. Its a constant reminder of all the crap I've been through with my health. I can't look/talk to people without thinking about my health, and how it may be being detrimental to the way I'm talking to this person, and that this person probably doesn't want to talk to me due to my hair/whatever else is wrong with me.

I find myself wandering into town by myself. I now wear a hat with a beanie on top, and then a hood on top of that. I like to hid myself from everyone. I can't walk around without my headphones in either - its another isolator that shuts me off from the world around.

I'm not sure how much of this I can take...

(I realise this probably is comepletely off topic...but wow...I'm in a complete rut)

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