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Sacha1234 09-11-2012 08:11 AM

Why do I feel so empty, bored, it doesn't seem normal?
It's starting to baffle me now and I've really no idea what is going on in my head so I shall simply explain the situation that has lead up to this vain self analysis. And warning, it's long.
Very late into last year (2011) I was completely cut off from most social contact and it was becoming very boring, I was sick of doing absolutely nothing and so I decided it would be fun to pretend to have "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder". I started researching the illness and had found myself fascinated by psychology and mental illnesses/disorders. I of course was preparing for my eventual return to school and Year 11 at the age of 16, I had to take the research of how OCD works and make sure that I could still function comfortably whilst displaying the illness. I had therefore chosen certain obsessions and compulsions to use and started practicing on my family before I returned to school. The thing is though that I couldn't stick to the one kind of OCD and I kept changing back and forth between different types whenever I would get bored with the type I was using. This of course made my illness seem unreliable and I had to improvise well in order to make sure no one was the wiser.

By the time I had gotten back to school though I had begun to show my illness to a group of my friends that I had chosen to fool, a problem emerged though and a friend of mine decided to talk about how they had beaten their drug addiction they had developed after overcoming Depression. The problem here is that it was a complete lie and it was taking the spotlight off me to the point that I would be unable to fool anyone because no one would notice, it didn't matter though as I had become bored of OCD and decided to imitate Schizophrenia instead, the problem here was that a teacher had mentioned how her brother was Schizophrenic and my imitating it would make me seem like an attention seeker. I continued anyway and was indeed successful and I had lured in four people to play my game. Three of them were following the Schizophrenic story whilst another was following the Bipolar hallucination story, the latter is the same attention seeker from before. The attention seeker than became irritating and would not stop bringing everything back to how special they were and so I began to get angry with him and eventual pushed him away so that he couldn't interfere. The remaining three had two very gullible girls and a more adept but thankfully distant girl. The distant girl had constantly told me that I was in love with one of the gullible girls and I started to believe her and all of a sudden I felt like I was in love, I asked this girl out and the school holidays had begun. I kept growing more and more bored with my Schizophrenic story and so kept changing the hallucinations in order to keep it interesting but I was still furious that my school had intervened before the holidays and had sent me to take up therapy.

The girl I had asked out was unsure of what to say, she was scared to grow attached, and so I started to unknowingly use my fake illness as a way of guilting her which eventually worked. Of course though I had become bored with Schizophrenia and when I was told that I had apparent Dissociation I started to play on the idea that I could have multiple personalities, I kept changing back and forth from psychosis and dissociation until it all just became pointlessly boring and so I confessed. But I covered up my confession by saying I had a Detachment Disorder and had said that my mother was abusive and psychopathic. I continued with this and kept everyone close by constantly threatening to commit suicide but I eventually became bored and confessed again. My girlfriend became so hurt that she left me and I felt devastated but later realised that I wasn't really hurt and I don't even think I loved her, I just told myself I did until I believed my lies, I was attracted to her but that's it. I had made another friend who was now helping my apparent Depression with my remaining gullible friend. I convinced her to send me to a Psychiatric Ward and than I convinced her to do it again, I found it fun tricking the doctors and did so until I became bored. I was infuriated when they accused me of lying and forcefully discharged me. I didn't like the fact that they had accused me as I was having a weak moment.

I was starting to notice that life was so boring and that I needed something extreme. I started to notice that many of my feelings were almost fake, or at least they seem so. I've noticed that I feel empty, bored and unmotivated. I am sorry for the very long story but I hope you can bring some clarity onto what it is that is going on with me. Thank you very much in advance.

xSky 09-17-2012 09:29 PM

Re: Why do I feel so empty, bored and attempt suicide for fun, it doesn't seem normal
Hello there. I just finished reading your post. I'm fine with it being long since I'm trying to avoid doing my homework assignments at the moment.
I'm honestly shocked and I'm not sure how to respond to this, but I will do my best.
So, here goes:
Hmm, I think it's sort of normal to feel that way? Okay, well not quite normal but I can sort of get why you're acting like that. Maybe it's because you feel lonely? Deep down somewhere in your heart you just want someone to actually care for you right?
To have someone to talk to..I'm not saying you're an attention seeker. You just want to have something to do. You want to be able to have fun, but what you're doing isn't really going to help you get there. :( It's horrible when a person has OCD, schizophrenia, depression or any other anxiety disorder/mental illness. Well, actually having diseases or cancer is just as bad. Sorry, I don't know where I'm going with this..kind of getting off track haha. Don't you feel bad when you try to pretend that you had them?
It just makes you feel worse you know.. I understand how you feel. ( Kind of )
I would somewhat do the same if I were you..but I don't know. I feel as if I were to do that..I would just mentally break down. I'm sure you feel unwanted. Maybe you just want to feel loved or warmth. Being cut off from social contact..I'm sure you haven't felt them in a long time right? Maybe that's what you were after? Pretending to have a mental illness, getting bored feels like you're lying to yourself in a kind of way.
You aren't really honest with your feelings man. Maybe it's because you're unsure of what you feel sometimes. You get it mixed up. You want to feel something, but you can't.
You can never really be able to feel anything if all you're going to do is pretend and lie.
You lie to others and you lie to yourself. But do you know who you're hurting the most?
YOURSELF. You're hurting yourself. Please, stop. Stop with all the pretending. You aren't ill. Please just stop before you become ill, okay?
Life has become boring for you, I get it. But you're aren't helping yourself at all.
There are plenty of things to do. Go out there & find something. You'll eventually learn to enjoy life and love the things you do! Learn to have fun. No one can tell you what the meaning of fun is. Okaay, maybe they can. But to really get the meaning of it, you have to experience it. Just being told won't got to feel & see it for yourself!
Don't lose hope yet buddy! You'll learn to enjoy..then love & cherish.
Don't let time pass by you...enjoy the moments now & make memories.
Find yourself. Let your spirit be free. Live happily!
You will find yourself smiling and you won't be as bored :).

I hope I was able to help!

And if I didn't, I'll do all I can to help you feel better!

I'll keep talking to you okay? Just let me know. Think of me as your angel watching over you. Haha, I'm kidding. I'm nothing more than a friendly stranger :D.

Hope your heart feels a bit relieved and if anything a bit happier. Don't feel empty~

Oh and by the way, I like how you write haha :].

xSky 09-25-2012 12:47 PM

Re: Why do I feel so empty, bored it doesn't seem normal
Hey, how are you doing now? I haven't heard from you ;/. Are you alright??

Sacha1234 09-25-2012 01:16 PM

Re: Why do I feel so empty, bored and attempt suicide for fun, it doesn't seem normal
My apologies for taking such a lengthy time to reply, I've been a little busy... Well I've been sleeping and somewhat forgot that this was here. It was very kind of you to respond. Firstly I know it is horrible when people genuinely suffer from these kinds of illnesses and I know that I should feel horrible for what I have done, the fact that I manipulated people and tormented them for reasons I don't particularly understand, the thing is that it just doesn't phase me, I don't really feel that anyone was particularly hurt. That being said I know that people were. Now secondly, I don't know if I want social contact or to be loved. Recently I've been hounded by one of my only friends who is trying their best to help the problems that we both know aren't there and it's been tearing them apart, sadly I've become extremely annoyed with her for being so clingy and I'm tired of pretending to care when I really just want her to go away, but I also want her to stay as she is the only company I have. And thirdly, yes and no to am I okay. I'm not good though I am not bad either, I've just been empty as usual. Plus, I know I don't have a mental illness in the conventional sense, but I am certain that something is unusual about me, no one does the things I do simply because they can be done. The mysteries of the world I suppose. How are you by the way?

xSky 10-16-2012 03:40 PM

Re: Why do I feel so empty, bored and attempt suicide for fun, it doesn't seem normal
No, it's quite alright. I should be the one apologizing. I'm sorry for taking even longer than you have to reply. It's been about 3 weeks since then. :/
I didn't mean it that way when I had asked if you felt bad.
I was talking about you, not whether or not you felt bad for what you've done. Though I'm sure you did deep down
somewhere inside of you. I know it sucks having the illnesses, but while pretending to have them did you not feel hurt? I'm sorry if I'm not being clear since I'm not sure what I'm trying to say myself.
Hmm, well from what you're telling's sort of like you can't really feel anything from it, but you know what you did was wrong? Oh, is that it? I'm sorry for being a bit slow. I have a hard time understanding things, so please forgive me if I don't get what you're saying at times.
I confuse myself too haha.

xSky 10-16-2012 04:41 PM

Re: Why do I feel so empty, bored and attempt suicide for fun, it doesn't seem normal
Hmm, I think it's okay to not know what you want to feel. Do you get what I'm saying? Haha, again I'm terribly sorry if I confuse you / make it hard for you to understand what it is that I'm trying to say. I often confuse others too in the process of trying to explain things. I don't get why I make things so complicated than it already is. I'm only 16.
A part of me is like an adult. Maybe because I give off the feeling of being mature. And the other part of me is like a child. I always feel like I'm acting like one at times.
Hmm, who doesn't? I guess everyone would want to become a child again if they had a chance because you're only young once right?

Well, with that being said..let me continue since I'm just rambling on about other stuff.

I guess I can understand what you mean. I mean she's doing all she can to help. You appreciate it, but then she's sort of being too much at the same the point
where it's annoying right?

Hmmm, really this is rather hard. I wish I could help find out what's wrong with you, though I think I can..just not sure where to start :o. Have you tried talking to a psychologist? Maybe he/she could help, if you can find one that is actually going to try to help you. I think it would be best to try and ask. Maybe he/she can come up with something. It wouldn't hurt to try right?
Though, then could be a waste of time.
Well, what the heck..give it a shot! :)

I do hope they can be of some help. I'll try to support you as much as I can~

As for your question to how I'm doing, I guess I'm okay?
Well, yeah..I think. Physically..not really. I don't know what 's wrong with me at times. I think it might just be me..
I'm sorry if this is long, but yeah here goes nothing:

About a month ago ( almost a month ),
I had chest pain..I worried for nothing..thinking about all the what if it's that? or..?
The x-ray that I took showed nothing. And of course, my doctor didn't really seem like he wants to help me so there would be no point in trying to ask him if I could have more tests done. I might have pulled a muscle or something.
Probably from carrying heavy things such as my textbooks or emotional stress. I still have it now and then.
It's frustrating to not know the cause of I'm just going to assume that it's a pulled muscle since no one is going to tell me's better than finding out that it's actually because of something serious. Well, actually..I was hoping for something like that. Since if it can be fixed, then it will be good for me. But a pulled muscle can happen whenever. It will only go away if I rest and fix the problem. Which is probably never going to happen. I can't stop carrying my textbooks because I need them for class..I don't carry them every second or minute..but I carry them to & from school. If only I can fix my procrastination habit & do my work ahead of time, maybe I wouldn't have to carry them..-_-
& As for emotional stress..ughh..too troublesome to explain but I'll try. I have too many issues. I get depressed so much..I feel like no one will understand me..or at least if they do..I'll only feel like a burden to them. I feel like there's some sort of hideous monster inside of me wanting to come out. Sometimes, I feel like I might go psycho & kill people. I have anger issues too. I have trouble dealing with family. Particularly my mom & kid brother because they drive me crazyy! :( Sometimes, I feel like hurting myself..but it's scary. I cry from a little trying to imagine hurting myself makes me feel even worse ..

Maybe I'm being a bit too greedy..sometimes I wished that they could try to help me out. Like, when I try to talk to them about my problems or about something..they just sort of brush me off. It's like what I'm trying to say is not important to's too much of a bother apparently. I mean, I just need you to listen & at least pretend to care.
Whenever they needed help or wanted to talk..I had helped & listened..but sometimes I just cut them off like what they did to me. Why should I be the one helping you?? What makes you think that I'll help you when you hardly ever seemed to care about me?
That's how I feel sometimes. I feel like they're ignoring me & my feelings. I feel like I've built so much hatred in my heart because of them. I'm not mad at anyone else but them. I cry so much & hate myself so much because of them..Maybe I'm being a bit too much because I'm also hurting them at the same time. I've said really harsh things to them. I've been really cold towards them. At times, when I get really frustrated..I would hit them and push them away..I don't beat them or anything..sometimes I feel like doing it but I don't. I hit them, but I don't do anything extreme to the point where I would get arrested..but to the point where I can see hurt in their eyes. We don't really get along. We always argue with each other. Maybe we need family counselling..

Anyways, maybe that's why I'm also feeling sick at times?
I'm anemic, but lately aside from my chest pain..I can hardly eat. I can't eat much of a meal..but I can eat like sandwiches & little bits of stuff. I think it started a month ago or that time I felt nauseous while eating cereal for breakfast while getting ready to go to school.
I was scared. I had hardly ate much of the cereal..& I felt like if I had ate any more I would throw up... Now I feel like sometimes I don't have much of an appetite. Is it because of my emotions or something regarding my health? When I think about eating food, I just don't feel good. Maybe it's because I eat certain foods too much. I don't know why I feel nauseous at times. I mean I want to eat, but that would be sort of like forcing myself to eat when my stomach isn't feeling well. -3-
I'm sorry, I think I wrote more than I should have.
How are you feeling now??

TinoRock 10-18-2012 03:24 AM

Re: Why do I feel so empty, bored and attempt suicide for fun, it doesn't seem normal
hmmm, wish I could give you some advice/help, but I'm having computer problems. good luck...

xSky 10-18-2012 05:14 AM

Re: Why do I feel so empty, bored and attempt suicide for fun, it doesn't seem normal
it's the thought that counts :)!

Sacha1234 11-02-2012 11:27 PM

Re: Why do I feel so empty, bored, it doesn't seem normal?
Many people jump to conclusions, they say they hate this person and they don't like that one. If you truly did not like them, then you wouldn't feel so hurt when they ignore you. I've learnt that people don't like to deal with emotional or psychological problems because they have no idea of what to do. Sometimes the only thing you need to do to get them to listen, is to stop waiting for them to help and to walk up to them and bluntly say "this is bothering me, can I talk to you?" Of course, you have to understand that people can't just carry you and your problems upon them, in the end you are alone, they can support but it's always up to you. I'm sure you are aware of all of this, if not then it's there now. The point I'm leading to is this, people seem to want to be loved but don't understand that this world is imperfect. That your expectations are unreachable, that people will try and sometimes you just have to be satisfied with the attempt and never the success. I spend so much of my time observing the world around me and I've never felt that I've belonged, because they feel so much and I so little. But I've seen this very thing, countless times before. I can easily be blunt about this and say that the obvious reason that the majority of people use these sites are because they want attention and affection. Some want it despite the fact that they get so much, others desire for they get so little, all this attention is received and yet everything still feels so horrid. I've seen people filled with joy when they're in the company of their lover, only to break down in tears when they leave for a while. They sit there wondering what they are supposed to do now, who is supposed to love them when their lover is away. These people end up empty, their mothers, fathers, siblings and friends, no one can help. The simple reason is, none of them can help because none of them are you. If you want love and affection, then you have to start with yourself, it begins with you. I'm sure it's nice to have the world praise you but it's something that you have to earn, and when you do you may not get it. That's just life. Don't spend all your time doing things that will make others love you, spend your time doing things that will make you love you. It's likely the core of your problems and will create the domino effect. But I am sure that, like most, you would like to simply get it out of your system. Despite my lack of emotional capabilities, I am here to help. If you need someone to talk to then you can talk to me, I am happy to listen and it help the best I can.

As for me. To clarify from much longer before, no I didn't feel bad whilst spending all my time lying, I was simply doing. As for me now, well things have become a little more odd. I have had a Psychologist and Psychiatrist since the start of all this, I was lying to them too... Then when I inevitably became bored of the lies, I simply confessed to them and since then, they have had many theories and no answers. My Psychiatrist believes that I am frightened of feeling which is coupled with my lack of an identity, I don't know who I am or what I like. It's a theory as good as any, though I don't know if it is true. My primary concern with his theory is that it is based upon minimal information, there are some things that I simply don't share, and they are probably of relevance. As for my Psychologist believes that I am detached from my emotions as a result of difficulties in early childhood. As for how I have been feeling, I don't actually know. Sometimes I think I've felt something only to later realise that the emotion wasn't genuine and I just couldn't tell, other times I swear that there is something there, in some way. I've been slowly cracking as of late, it's been many, many months since I have had any real social contact with people... I've been talking to my friend of whom is still trying to help me through everything, though I believe her tired and given up. She is now in a relationship with me and is apparently in love with me, I would not say that I feel the same but I have definitely told her that I do and am currently occupying my time with the lie that I am attached with her... I don't if I am, or if I am not... Life is still pointless to me though, it is simply that thing I am apart of, I exist solely to exist and do simply because. But the most baffling thing that has been happening is that there is a bothersome sensation deep down. It is not unbearable and neither does it fill me with any apparent joy, but it is there and I forever feel I like I am about to explode.

Magic44 11-22-2012 12:07 AM

Re: Why do I feel so empty, bored, it doesn't seem normal?
dont worry it all happens due to your vitamin and hormonal deficiency.....go n check out ur vitamin B12 levels, coz its for ur mental health....take b12 shots, try using high quality multi-vitamins in ur daily dose and cycle every 2months. and be active, exercise daily , just be practical, try finding out solutions, evrything will be fine.

i will be glad if it helped in some

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