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  • Eminating Evil

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    Old 10-13-2012, 05:01 PM   #31
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    Re: Eminating Evil

    Dear Renko -

    So you are a tv-aholic! A toast and a cheer! I would be too if my reception wasn't so bad. If I had my family to watch shows with (like when I was young), it would be the ultimate in entertainment, but now-a-days I watch in moderation, though it still has a great influence on my personality. (Yup I have learned from 48 Hours that there is so much bizarre and insane stuff that people do to each other. This show is not a good influence on me....

    It is very interesting for me to hear that you really like watching reality shows and how people interact with each other - yes that is a lot of fun. It feels like you are getting to know people you would never get to know in real life. So we are similar in this way.
    I haven't watched Beaches (but I have heard good things about it). I don't know much about Barry Manilow or Billy Joel, but I will be sure to pay more attention to them when I come across their music next time. I also want to read the Joy Luck Club. In college, a teacher talked about it a little, but I do want to read the book - I have so many movies and books on my to-do list, but I don't get around to it.

    I am glad that your life is filled with voluteer-work and joy that you bring to and get from working with seniors. It must be quite fulfilling. I used to do some volunteer-work but I am a bit more reclused right now and have to wait to get some self-pride back before I start that again. I am too self-hating at the moment and self-conscious to interact with people at the moment.

    How do you find time to work, have a family, pets, be addicted to tv, and voluteer all at the same time. You may be wonder woman! It seems like a lot on anyone's plate but it all must be a joy, because otherwise it would be hard to do it all. Is it all good times?

    I want to ask advice about making friends. You, who has been through so much, still are so healthy and supportive and happy! And functional! Bravo! This is admirable. There is a new person at work who does not yet know the negative rumors about me. I had to train her for work and she really seemed to happy to work with me. She asked if we could do something together outside of work and I am nervous about disappointing her when she realizes how awkward I am. One worry that is constantly on my mind is that whenever the office bullies see me talking to someone, I believe they do their best to make sure rumors reach that person and meanness increases.

    The obstacles to making this friendship work are many in my crazy mind. I am first very self-conscious when I am talking to her because I am afraid of the bullies. On top of that, I may bring negative energy into her work-life by making her a target (being my friend will make her a "loser" so-to-speak). What should I do? One part of me wants to tell her everything like I've told you but that would be odd - (to spill so much personal information to someone who barely knows my name.) Plus no one should have to get trapped in my miserable, unhealthy world when they have so much promise ahead of them. She would be so much worry-free if she did not know me. What should I do?

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    Old 10-15-2012, 06:08 AM   #32
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    Re: Eminating Evil

    Hi my friend, you have a wonderful personality and a great sense of humor when you write to me. It encourages me that we are trusting each other and sharing what is important to us. Yes, it sounds like my life is busy but really it is very routine and not much change. I get stressed out if things don't run smoothly each day. My mind gets frustrated and confused if I get stressed out and so I try to do things when things are running smoothly. I know my husband will not live too many years so that is why I moved to this retirement community. He doesn't like to be with the older people but I do. I have enjoyed playing games with some of the women and they don't gossip or talk about others. I like people like that. If I think people are talking about someone in a negative way, I tend to believe they are talking about me too behind my back. I catch myself sometimes when I talk about someone negatively and feel badly about it. I think your new friend would be interested in knowing you but I have found that I would do it after work just between you and her for dinner or coffee and ask her questions about her life. Try to listen or mental notes of what she likes, what she does and how she feels about things. I know you will be thinking about what you want to say but really concentrate the first one or two times on her and what she says. If we share too much with strangers sometimes I have scared them away because either they don't know how to relate to me or they haven't been through similar experiences. If she is a nice person, she won't listen to the airheads in your office and give you a chance to be your friend. I found that we shouldn't judge a book by its cover. You are caring and have a very sensitive heart and mind. One step at a time. I know what you are saying about 48 hours, sometimes I shouldn't fill my mind with these crazy people and families. It is so upsetting to see people behave in such mean and hateful ways. But I do like to try to understand what brought them to the point that they came to. I think alcohol, drugs and being "in love" can cause a lot of problems. I know if you can talk to a professional and find tips on how to release your anxiety and your worry about what people think of you, it will help you a lot. People usually don't think about us as much as we think they do. They are more concerned about themselves but there are some bullies out in the world that should be reprimanded and talked to. Again, I try to ignore people who are so ignorant that they want to speak negatively about someone and try to bully them. I think they are more insecure than other people who are more accepting. Don't sell yourself so short, you have something to offer in a friendship and I'm so glad we are friends. It has taken many years for me to come out of my shell and not feeling so self-conscious about myself. I realized people love to talk about themselves so I try to be a good listener and take mental notes. I love reading what you write each day.

    Old 10-15-2012, 07:50 AM   #33
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    Re: Eminating Evil

    My friend, I wanted to let you know that I wouldn't be writing tomorrow since I won't be at work. I didn't want you to think you had done or written something and I wasn't answering. I know I have thought that way in the past of those I have written to and have not gotten a response. I'll write to you on Wednesday and hope you have a good Tuesday.

    Old 10-15-2012, 04:46 PM   #34
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    Re: Eminating Evil

    Dear Renko,

    There are so many points that stand out for me from your
    latest posts. I want to address them all but then my
    post would be too long. So I will touch on some of them.

    First I want to say that in many ways (and I hope this
    is not a mild insult (my sense of humor again)) but we
    are on the same wave length in many ways.

    I really appreciate you giving me the heads up that you will not
    be able to write for a day. It is as if you know that
    because of my emotional immaturity, I may interpret it
    in a negative way. I do tend to come up with far-
    fetched negative stories in my head based on very little
    information. At work I sit quietly and when I hear someone say
    something, I come up with stories as to the negative
    thoughts they must be expressing, often about me. Thank you for understanding this and thank you for sharing that you have a little of the same tendency - at least when it comes to not hearing back from someone. It is very sensitive of you and I appreciate it.

    I do trust you. But honestly part of my openness has to
    do with anonymity. Also, not to take away from your
    supportiveness, but these days I tend to lay all my
    cards on the table as I desperately want some relief. A
    few days back I wanted to tell you if at any time, you
    feel like it is time for this friendship to come to an
    end, or to take a break, or if certain subjects are too
    negative to listen to, I will think very highly of you
    for respecting me enough to be honest. I will do the
    same for you.

    My fixation on "negative story-making" is based on my
    relationship with my mom when I was young. My mom was
    very frustrated with me. In her frustration, she would
    say and mumble negative things about me as I went about
    daily life - expressing her hate for me at odd times
    when I thought everything was OK and so now this is
    seared in my head. To this day, I believe that everyone
    is doing the same.

    I know that you are a very giving person, that you try
    to understand why people behave the way they behave and
    try to look for the best in others. So it is funny that
    you would list "being in love" as being up there with
    "drug use" in terms of the harm it can do! This is
    really funny but also I can see your point if I stretch
    my imagination. When I have a "crush" on a guy, things are both wonderful and miserable for me at the same time. It is a very vulnerable position to be in. Things can hurt so much more than if you were not in love.

    Thank you for all your advice about friendship. It is
    very useful. I have to listen to a person as I am
    becoming their friend and get to know her before
    spilling my guts. I love the advice and I am going to
    try it. Also I wanted to mention that I completely
    relate to what you mentioned about being able to take on
    alot in life when things are already going smoothly. If
    one or two things begin to unravel, everything can come
    unglued for you and me too. Thank you for telling me
    about living in a retirement home. I hope for the best
    for you and your husband and I hope that you have a lot
    of support in your life and that your days are filled
    with all the joy that you deserve.

    Old 10-17-2012, 05:57 AM   #35
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    Re: Eminating Evil

    Hi my dear friend, I don't think you can get rid of me as your friend because when I find someone I like and can relate to I am a very loyal and faithful friend and hopefully we can share on this forum for a long time. I used to have friends that would tell me they would call me or write to me and I would get nothing and it frustrated me but then I decided not to have expectations from those people and gave them the benefit of the doubt and gave them the freedom to call or write if they felt led to and not to control or force them. I only have a few good friends.

    I don't have many where I live but the seniors which I know weekly. I think anyone is "rich" if they have at least one good friend they can talk to about anything and get feedback. I'm so sorry your mom hurt you deeply. She must have been hurt when she was young and passed it on to you. Hurting people tend to hurt other people. I was so afraid when I had my sons that I might hurt them by saying things in anger and what my dad had said to me. I'm glad they felt more secure and felt like they belonged in a home with their dad.

    I wanted to make sure you knew I was not ignoring you yesterday when I was not at work. I am getting a little tougher on the outside with people but I used to be so very sensitive and internalize what people said or did to me years ago. I don't think it is emotional immaturity but a lack of trusting a person you hope will like you and be a friend to you. I get it.

    Remember I was very shy myself but I'm getting better. It took a lot of years. Have a great day. There is hope, my friend.

    Last edited by Administrator; 10-17-2012 at 06:27 PM.

    Old 10-17-2012, 06:12 PM   #36
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    Re: Eminating Evil

    Dear Renko,

    It really felt nice to hear you say that I can't rid of you so easily. It made me remember in a small way the love I used to have people who are caring and how I myself was so caring. I held loyalty in very high regard before time and experience and my freakish analyzing forced me out
    of that naive mode. You remind me of that kind of person. I know that you are more tough with people now than you used to be, but at heart you are a very sensitive soul and you have an intuition for knowing
    what may hurt a person.

    It so is easy and now routine for me to say, "I don't really care about a person so I am ready when they decide to leave." But I don't really want to be this kind of a person. It is true that it makes me tough as
    nails but it also has taken the joy out of life.

    I just want you to know that I liking talking to you and to say thank you for being here and that yes I want you here and no I am not looking forward to when this has to come to end.

    and yes I want to be here for you.

    It is OK to want to be nice and want everyone to get along and find ways
    to remain friends and not always move on to bigger better things. This is who I want to be.

    And You are right - a person is very rich for having one friend. You have no idea how literally this is true for me. You have shared so much with me.

    I am glad that you have a few good people in your life who are your friends and who help you get past the hurt from your own childhood. I am glad that you were thinking about the well-being of your children not continuing the cycle of hurtful living that you experienced at home
    when you decided to live apart from your children. It was a decision based in love and caring and this is the person that you are.

    I am feeling really sentimental today! I want to talk to you about a very sensitive topic - my mom.

    Yesterday my mom sent me a ******** friendship request. I don't know if you are familiar with this technology but it is a way to keep in touch with people via the ******** website. Now me and my mom haven't been in contact for years. To be honest, I am not certain if it is really one of my siblings that sent the friendship request on my mom's behalf to try to
    get us to work things out.

    I had to cry when I saw the e-mail because of how much I longed for her
    love as a child and how much I wanted to be a loved
    member of the family. I still want this though I know in my head that it is not possible for make someone love you from a genuine place no matter how good I try to be. My mom and I would literally have to turn into two different people in order for there to be genuine love between us.

    Many years ago I was living with my mom and my siblings (in my late 20s) for financial reasons. There was alot of tension in the house, with me being there. My siblings and my mom would get along fine, but not me. I was a miserable and mean creature and I was not on speaking
    terms with my mom though we lived under the same roof.

    I was enjoying a rent-free selfish living without doing anything to contribute to the family. And I felt hated.

    This is going to reveal a side to my personality that I
    am not proud of. It shows my level of selfishness and
    psychosis: Living with my mom, I believed that she was trying to hurt me physically. My hair was falling out
    and I was sickly and so ugly that I thought she had something to do with that. (I don't want to go into too many details but this is not as parnoid as it sounds because of what my relationship was like with my mom as
    a child).

    Living in that house as an adult, I took on this persona
    of a mean scary person so she would think twice about
    getting away with hurting me. She mentioned to my
    siblings that she was scared of me, and I am ashamed to
    say that was right to say this.

    I always feel like a miserable person groveling for love and so vulnerable when the subject of my mom and my family comes up. As far as I am concerned I am pretty much dead to my family (except my older brother). Leaving thoughts of my family behind has given me the ability to focus on other things and not be paralyzed in that way any longer. But whenever I think of trying to make a family of my own, I think of how I would tell my husband about the dysfunction of my family. How would a mom love me when my own mom could not. Sometimes I feel the pangs again.

    I have to think long and hard about whether I want to bring my mom back into my life. My old self is begging me to never look back to that pain and my new self is saying that maybe I can make it work.

    Last edited by Administrator; 10-17-2012 at 06:33 PM.

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