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Asperger's? Antisocial? What is wrong and how can I fix it?

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Old 10-07-2012, 12:29 PM   #1
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Question Asperger's? Antisocial? What is wrong and how can I fix it?

OK, so I was always different, even my mom has told me I was a strange child, but now that I'm older and trying to form "meaningful" relationships its causing a problem.
I am currently 25 years old, female, and live with my boyfriend.
I have been with him over 2 years (record for me!).
I hate people. I don't like being around them or interacting with them and am perfectly happy in my own bubble away from everything. My mom said I was like this as a small child too, I always just wanted to be on my own, playing with my own toys, away from everyone else. I don't care how others feel and can only theoretically empathize (example: someone is hurt, so my thought process is: "well that would hurt me a lot so that is not good." However it doesn't occur to me to feel sorry or concerned for them. Sometimes I may find it funny or entertaining that it happened, even.) However people seem generally shocked when I tell them I hate people. I went through nursing school because I LOVE medical stuff- how people work- and always get asked why I'm not a nurse now. So I suppose I am good at acting friendly. Inside I find it very taxing and hard work to communicate agreeably with people.

The only people I interact with regularly are my boss and my boyfriend. I work at a private horse farm (only have to interact with my boss and occasionally 2-4 other people). I have one friend I see about once a month. I usually enjoy spending a few hours with him but more than that I feel tired and wanting to go home for putting out all that social energy to be pleasing to someone.
My boyfriend thinks I'm some sort of sociopath, but I think he finds me interesting. He has made the statement that I am very logical and cold in my thinking and that he is kind of scared when I cry, because its something I generally never do and he feels like I am at some sort of breaking point. (When I cry it is usually out of total frustration of trying to understand something, usually what I am feeling) He also says he finds it disconcerting that he can never "read" me (He was professionally trained to read people for his job).
I am concerned with my relationship with him more recently though. I don't want it to end, I won't have a place to live if it ends and he is very helpful around the house and helping to take care of my dog since I sometimes work long hours. I usually enjoy being around him reasonably enough, he is funny and we work somewhat overlapping hours so I don't see him all the time, which helps me cope with him since he can be needy emotionally sometimes. I hate sex and I know that upsets him. I haven't quite said that to him, but I am sure he knows I don't like it, I find it disgusting, but do it occasionally because it is expected to keep a relationship.

I have never had a problem with my "bubble" before but I don't want to lose my relationship with my boyfriend and need help to keep it.
Sorry for the novella here, but I thought it was important information for maybe finding out what exactly my problem is.

Last edited by RhysMom; 10-07-2012 at 12:32 PM.

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Old 10-16-2012, 09:34 PM   #2
Join Date: Oct 2012
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tweezytweez HB User
Re: Asperger's? Antisocial? What is wrong and how can I fix it?

Well you're not antisocial, most people confuse the term with asocial. Antisocial people are like criminals and people who hurt animals, and have no sympathy. Asocial is what you're describing being shy, or a loner. But yes, do think there is a chance you may have aspergers, based on how you described yourself. Seek out a therapist to get a final word on it

Old 10-20-2012, 12:20 PM   #3
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Re: Asperger's? Antisocial? What is wrong and how can I fix it?

Dear RhysMom,

thanks for making this post. I don't have advice but wanted to share with you some of my own experience with this. I have been like you pretty much all my life as well. I have also wondered what is wrong with me.
I do tend to care about other people though - but only people (like celebrities) that I have idealized in my head or some people from everyday life -a small percentage of people that I think are special. I do notice with great envy \ that most people can get along with and find each others lives very interesting, but I can't. I am this outsider examining what is going on around me without feeling too interested. I often wish that people would find me interesting and treat me like they do each other, but alas that doesn't happen. This increases my detachment because I am already anticipating disappointment at every social encounter. I hope this helps in some way.

You should not use the harsh term "antisocial" on yourself unless you really are completely devoid and hateful (you are making this post, so you have something going on in terms of wanting to find a connection or sharing, or helping)

Not sure if this will help but I often feel inferior to most people around me and know that they can't possibly like this weird detached person that I am. I want to be interested but because most people are not interested in me so this is the main obstacle. Also like I mentioned me being the judgemental and haughty person that I am -- who finds only the "highly special among us" interesting because of my own insecurities really gets in the way.

I am surprised that you've never had a problem with this bubble. That has not been my experience so perhaps do speak to a professional if you can find/afford it.

All the best.

Last edited by MissJealousy; 10-20-2012 at 12:24 PM.

Old 10-21-2012, 04:11 PM   #4
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Re: Asperger's? Antisocial? What is wrong and how can I fix it?

Thanks for the reply. Your story sounds pretty similar to mine. I havent gotten to the caring about celebs part personally though, in fact I find it incomprehensible why people care so much about them. I don't know them, they dont matter to me. I suppose if a singer I really liked kicked the bucket I'd be bummed, no more music from them. :-(

I really like my bubble, it keeps me comfy and happy- I really feel no need for others. Well, maybe I have a need for the people that make chocolate. But I'd really be happy to have no contact with people. I havent struggled with my "bubble" too much before because I always put myself in situations where it worked to my advantage. Sports? I ride dressage horses (an individual sport). Job? Work on a private farm, on my own usually. Friends? really just one that I see about once a month, we have food and a giggle for a few hours, and then I go back to my life.
My problem now is that I've managed to get stuck in a relationship (I enjoy it sometimes, when he doesn't try to make it too romantic, I really feel uncomfortable with the idea of romance) But I really don't like living with someone else and am having a hard time coping with it. Its somewhat better since we moved and I have "my room/studio" now, but I feel like I have no peace and privacy since it is a shared space.

How would you suggest to find good professional help? I know there's plenty of therapists around, but just like docs, it can be super hard to find a good one.

Old 10-22-2012, 04:58 PM   #5
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Re: Asperger's? Antisocial? What is wrong and how can I fix it?

Dear RhysMom,

I like the honest, matter-of-fact way that you describe what you like about people - their ability to make chocolate or make music and nothing much else. I wanted to add something positive that will give you hope - I believe that because people with Asbergers or those who have trouble connecting are only a few compared to the general population, it just takes time for us to feel that emotion - our chances are fewer. So you take some time to find the connection. Once you find someone who understands you and seems to care about you for reasons that you agree with (unlike vapid worship) - you may feel emotions very different from your bubble. For me when that happened, got a taste for how others feel and had a tangible feeling to work towards.

I myself am struggling to figure out how I am going to go about getting
a good therapist. I've always kind of looked down on the idea but now
as I am truly in need of someone to talk to, I see how much of a
blessing it would be. I was just practicing the speech I would give to
my physician about how I need help. My speech ends up either sounding
like I am perfectly OK, just curious about the topic of therapy or the
other extreme - me crying my eyes out begging for help. You should
talk to your physician about your symptoms and then see what she/he
suggests. Then you can proceed based on how you feel at that point.

I wanted to explain my reasons for liking celebrities - Personally, I
lack the ability to be cool and collected when many eyes are on me so I
think that is an unblievable quality that celebrities have. Also I am
unattractive, so I admire their beauty. Also I am very very bad at
verbal communication, but celebrities chat like there is no tomorrow.
They have a certain something that makes everyday people
fascinated - so that is to me a special quality.

I am glad that you love your bubble - thank your lucky stars that you
are happy! You have great things going for you - your hobby, your
friend, your job - so maybe you shouldn't stress too much about your
situation. If you were miserable, it would be a different story.

About your boyfriend - I am not sure if I should give advice - I may
lead you astray since I am not the healthiest person myself. I can't live with people either but I am envious that you actually have been trying to live with him. Just the fact that you are in a position to have this experience is terrific. But you know
best what to do. Perhaps you can compromise and keep trying to make it
work - who knows when you'll get the chance again. I know this
advice is probably nutty. You probably know best. but you may want to think of the opportunity and process of making it work as a positive in and of itself.

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