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Made a huge mistake, I am hurting everybody.

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Old 03-21-2013, 11:50 PM   #1
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Made a huge mistake, I am hurting everybody.

this is my first time posting here so I'm not sure I'm doing this right, but here goes anyway.

I am 25, and have been in a relationship since I was 19. 3 months into that relationship, I fell pregnant. I kept the baby, and 3 months later, my boyfriend (now husband) proposed to me. I was over the moon (I think?) at the time. He was my first everything. In high school boys showed no interest in me, so I just always resigned myself to the fact if anyone ever asked me out, that's cool, I wasn't going to "fight for my man" or anything like that.

Anyway, here we are 6 years , 2 children and a marriage later, and I could not be more miserable if I tried. I feel so indescribably selfish in saying this, I HATE that I feel like this. I feel like I have settled. Which sounds awful, because my husband is generally a great person. He puts up with my crazy, which is a lot of crazy, I don't feel like anyone else would be able to put up with me.

I feel like because my young family was not planned, I'm only now starting to mourn the life that could have been. I had no plans for children before at LEAST 28 ish, I planned to travel the world, do the things normal high school graduates do. But instead fate had other options. Granted, no one FORCED me to have children, so please don't remind me of that point. First baby was unplanned, and a direct result of a failing birth control pill , however second was planned.

I have finally just hit the point I can't even control what I say anymore. Months before the wedding, I had a break down saying I didn't want this. It was literally ignored. My family were furious, couldn't understand where I was coming from, I felt so guilty, so I chalked it up to post natal depression (as I have struggled with this both kids) and continued on with the wedding, knowing it wasn't right.

I tell my husband almost daily now how much I, despite loving my kids more than anything, hate my life and the way it turned out. It's starting to scare me how freely my mind thinks of just running away sometimes. His response? "I know". Then that's it. I literally feel smothered and suffocated and I don't know what else to do.

I'm just so tired. I don't even get sad, or cry anymore. I almost feel numb. I snap at everything, and just seem so resentful of everything at the minute.

So far, I have an appointment with a psychologist.

My question is, or really, I don't know if it's even a question. I just needed a rant I guess.
Are these common thoughts for people who feel they have married too young??

Please no hate, I do not enjoy feeling the way I do

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Old 03-22-2013, 02:03 AM   #2
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Re: Made a huge mistake, I am hurting everybody.

Hi Antrew

What a lovely unusual name? Does it have a special meaning?

I think the anger and frustration is perfectly human, esp. with two children (just because kids need so much from us) and somewhat pushy and demanding parents. I have played the what if scenario in my own mind to the point of making myself so exhausted that I thought I was really dying from some deadly disease. Two years of seeing my doctor for that and he told me he thought I was depressed. I burst out bawling when he told me that. It was a process but I learned how to change the way I thought and to quit beating myself down. Sometimes we just need to bawl our eyes out before we can see the blessings in our lives again.

I don't believe you ruined your life at all. I do believe you are depressed, though, and let me encourage you that you can come out of it. Also, something to think about, is you might need some hormonal balancing, and your thyroid may be unbalanced. What you eat can affect mood drastically, esp. if you have food sensitivities you are unaware of. You may need more exercise to release the feel good chemicals in your body, or you might have sleep disturbances that deprive you of balance and energy. Our bodies and minds are not separate. They work together and are complicated, but a path can be found to get rebalanced. I'm sure for you, like all of us, there are some patterns and thought processes that need to be changed.

Different people react in different ways but I think how you feel about your childhood dreams being squashed is perfectly normal. You may need to take some time to really grieve the lost time and dreams before you can begin see ways to build your life into what is more and more meaningful to you. I get myself into trouble when I let my mind wander into comparisons. I think to myself, 'it's normal to enjoy excitement, but how long can anyone really stay on a carnival ride?' Still, for balance we do need to bring some excitement into our lives. It just feels better. There are safe and healthy ways to do it.
Your life may be caught in a temporary rut but it isn't over.

I go through seriously negative 'what ifs' ever so often, about my own life. I wonder what would have been if I had not made certain decisions. I have gone through mourning periods where I became seriously depressed, like a black hole into which I fell. I have needed to do a lot of work on self acceptance and to say no to the self talk that brings me down. I can still go there if I am too tired or I allow my mind wander.

Maybe when younger you had no expectation of realizing any of your dreams, and, maybe now you feel like the needs of others mapped out your whole existence. Those are pretty common feelings esp. for moms. Even though in your rational mind you know you made these choices. I can really relate to this.

It can be frustrating, not knowing how to remain steady for family sake and to also expand and grow into the swan you really are. But there really is a way to do both. They are not exclusive of each other! Kids do grow and get more independent and eventually move on. You can dream and plan and express the beautiful parts of yourself starting today. You know what you have to offer the world.

What stabilized my emotions the most is the knowledge that had I made even one different choice I would not have my wonderful children, because they would not exist. I'm not proud of every choice I have made. I certainly could have made some better choices. But there is no doubt in my mind that my children are from the better part of me.

I have been there done that...felt trapped into pleasing others until I lost contact with who I was apart from others. Guess what, if it matters to you, it counts. A good psychiatrist that doesn't tell you what to feel or think but is honest with you can be really helpful. I changed doctors until I found one like that.

You may benefit from asking your husband if there is any way he would be willing to help you take some time just for yourself, to get refreshed. Maybe you can go swimming by yourself and relax. Maybe you love horses and can ride alone once in awhile. Or you love to sew, and can shut the door and sew by yourself once a week or join a ladies group. Or take an art class or you may like to play a musical instrument or you love to sing...whatever it is, going for a walk by yourself, or whatever, you deserve and are worth the time to renew. I think maybe you forgot that.

Maybe you don't know what you really want to actually do with yourself. But you do need to take some time for your own sanity. It's like a breath of fresh air. I regularly take time to myself even if I want to zone out to the TV by myself.

From what you wrote it seems you made some really good choices in your life. The grass really does always appear greener on the other side of the fence. That is only because we are not close enough to see the dirt, weeds, and dead patches. Seriously, dear one, you can cultivate and water the grass on your side of the fence and create beauty that honors you, your beautiful children and your good hearted husband.

Look at all the good in your life. You didn't choose a derelict to father and abandon you & your kids. That alone is HUGE.

I really do believe in you. I think you're a great lady.

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Old 03-22-2013, 03:14 AM   #3
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Re: Made a huge mistake, I am hurting everybody.

I have been there too, got the t shirt. I married and had my first baby at 20 and there have been times when I felt that I was just hurtling through life not having any chance to get to know myself as an adult. I never even had a bedroom to myself, ever!! Like Holymoly, it is the children I had that made it worthwhile, most of the time. They are now grown and gone and, surprise! I am doing really good stuff now like travel, dining out, classes and hobbies, and my husband is my best friend, soulmate and has my back 100% of the time. We grew up together. Life is all about adjustment and growth. One thing I strongly suggest is dealing with the depression first, maybe with medication, then get some therapy. Ideally a group of people with similar issues would be best, but one-to-one is good too. Do not rely on your husband's patience, although he sounds like a pretty good guy. He is not the right person to help you, there is too much emotional loading in your issue for a couple to cope with. This (for you) is much more than just making your romantic or sexual life more interesting. You are dealing with pretty core emotional things. Look inside yourself for resolution, not to external stuff; that will wear off and you will still be in the same miserable place. Cheers, Sera

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Old 03-24-2013, 12:52 AM   #4
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Re: Made a huge mistake, I am hurting everybody.

I agree that dealing with our own anger, frustration and depression is first and foremost. We must face and deal with ourselves or we continue to take a depressed, angry person(us) everywhere we go.

Men really cannot replace female friends. It takes a woman to understand a woman. I think you posting here and opening up shows you are a strong person. I hope you let us encourage and help you in your journey.
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Old 03-24-2013, 08:53 PM   #5
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Re: Made a huge mistake, I am hurting everybody.

I will be short. I have a different view for you. You started young. Enjoy your babies because they grow up fast. Then, you will have all the free time you are looking for to enjoy the things you feel you missed out on. Don't have regrets later in life by not living in the moment with your children...make your life and their life happy now with great memories. If you have a good man you are one lucky lady!! After your children are grown you will still be young and have another 50+ years to travel and so on. Your visit to a psychologist is a good idea to sort out your feelings and get direction.

Old 03-25-2013, 11:03 PM   #6
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Re: Made a huge mistake, I am hurting everybody.

Antrew, you're not crazy to feel the way you do. Much of what you say you feel now, I went through when I was 25. I wanted to run away too on occasion. I never planned on having kids, but like you, things just happened so fast. Its hard being in a marriage where you feel trapped. But this is not the end of the story for you. 15 years have gone by and yes, I have made many sacrifices, but not in vain. I have been able to do some of the things I dreamed of when I was younger, but now my dreams have changed. My children are in those dreams with me, and they are so much more fulfilling that way, rather than the solitary lonely existence I had once planned for myself. Let yourself dream, let yourself mourn just a little, just don't let yourself become so wrapped up in your dreams that you miss all the lovely realities in front of you. Sometimes when I cuddled up with my children and their warm sticky little fingers were entwined with mine and I smelled that "little puppy dog" smell that they have, I felt sorry for anyone who didn't have what I had.
It sounds like your family isn't very sympathetic, so you may need to find someone who can relate to what your going through, I don't know if that person is a psychologist, maybe just a really good listener is all you need. Just give yourself some time, and find something to do that makes you feel good about yourself (as long as its not illegal)!

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