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  • Am I a Psychopath?

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    Old 10-05-2013, 03:38 AM   #1
    HannahL's Avatar
    Join Date: Oct 2013
    Location: Germany
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    HannahL HB User
    Am I a Psychopath?

    I wanted to avoid asking the question this way somehow, but I did-
    So...anyways. I have been trying to find out what exactly is wrong with me for 3 years now, I think....I have read a lot of things online about all sorts of mental illnesses and so on and pretty much came to the conclusion I might be a psychopath or sociopath.
    I tested myself using several "are you a psychopath"-tests and scored over 90% in each test, yet I think those are not really reliable as the questions were sometimes very inaccurate.
    So why don't I see a doctor? Because I don't think I am ill.
    I consider this, whatever it is, my personality.
    I don't want a doctor to know about this, I don't want other people to find out I'm seeing a doctor and I definitely don't want to have a therapy or anything.
    What I do want is a diagnose.
    I know that I won't get one here since there are no real doctors and you can't see me talk and ask me questions face to face, but it might at least be prove me right or wrong.
    What I don't want is to read something like "see a specialist", since I know this is probably what I should do. I just won't.

    So, here we go.
    I am a girl, 17.
    I don't have any deep relationships at all, I don't love my family or friends, I am not interested in a romantic relationship of any kind (not even sexually since I consider this a distraction) and I do not at all empathize with other people.
    Though I would not say I don't have feelings at all.
    I like some people because of their personality (as long as I don't get to deeply involved because then they start talking about deeper things and expect me to react, that annoys me pretty much.)
    I like my dog (probably the deepest feeling I have and I know if the dog would die I'd probably be sad for a day or so.)
    I am never really happy so see others (I never understood how a person could burst in tears when they met another person after a long time).
    Things that make me happy are music and visual art, painting, buying stuff but of course this never lasts for a long time.
    Same thing with anger, I don't really hate anyone even though there are many people I don't like.
    I do get angry (a lot) if things don't work out the way I want them to work out or people distract me from what I am doing.
    I feel really strong anger then, I get violent, destroy things or hit people, I imagine doing serious harm to them.
    But as soon as the anger came, it goes away when the distraction goes away. So, if somebody starts talking to me while my attention is otherwise occupied I get furious but as soon as they leave the room, I am perfectly fine and return to what I was doing before.
    I don't feel any long lasting anger.
    Those furious outbreaks barely happen in public, many people call me "calm" and "patient", others call me "unstable" or "always on edge"....I can control pretty well who thinks of me in what way and therefor it doesn't bother me much.
    Nobody knows my real personality. I lie to people all the time, I tell them stories that have never happened. I tell them they can trust me and they tell me anything...I know so many things about so many people, if any of them would decide to turn against me I could destroy them.
    I have not been friends with anyone for a longer time than maybe 3 years and I usually cut off contact from one day to the other and never see the person again if I get bored of the relationship.
    I get bored a lot, anyways. I am very good at painting and I have dozens of oil paints but I'm never patient enough to wait for the paint to dry...The only thing that I really did for a long time with success is learning how to speak english (I'm german.)
    I had various wishes on what to work as after school, including designer, translator, psychologist (ironically.), journalist, author, teacher and more.
    These wishes are very strong while I have them but change from one day to the other and never come back.
    I know that I am very intelligent and that I care more to educate myself than the others at school.
    I read a lot, and I easily get very good grades in school without paying any effort....I generally don't pay effort on school, I don't do my homework (most of the time other people do that for me.), I don't participate in class a lot and I skip class very frequently, yet most teachers like me very much.
    I steal, if I get the opportunity (for example money or food in school.), but I don't really plan on stealing things, it just happens. Therefore I never stole anything really expensive, when I way 9 I stole 5 Nintendo games from a friend so that would be the most expensive thing I guess....
    I was never really in conflict with the law (but as I said I'm only 17 and have not stolen in stores a lot.) I did have conflicts with teachers in elementary school though because of violent behavior and so on...I saw a psychiatrist back then but I don't think they found out what problems I had..they put me in groupsessions with children who came from broken families and who were abused and I felt seriously in the wrong place there....I only went there 4 times or something, then I refused going back there and I don't think that these sessions would have helped me in any way at all if I had stayed there.
    I remember feeling superior to these broken children- like meeting monkeys.
    I feel superior all the time of course but that was even more intense.
    I don't feel any remorse or anything at all of course, I feel like my actions are always justified..I do have a political opinion but I don't act on that basis.
    I don't know exactly what to do after school but I know that I'm going to move in a large city where no one knows me to build up my perfect personality (which I can't do here because there are too many people who have experienced my furious outbreaks and could talk about it to others.)

    I could write on and on but I want people to read that so I'm going to stop now and you can tell me what you think....
    If you have any questions that will help, just ask.

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