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    Old 04-25-2014, 08:08 PM   #1
    Gonepostal's Avatar
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    Should I be concern?

    Hello, I am very sorry for the long post. I been trying to look up bi-polar things but most of it is cookie cutter- medical descriptions and not about people experiences. I know everyone’s different and I am starting to believe I may be Bi-polar. But I was getting confused about the severity and episode length.
    Here is my experience., sorry if its long and I rambled a bit. I really found this therapeutic and it was getting late for me.

    A little information about me; I am a 30 year old woman, not on any medications. All I take are supplements (multi vitamins, vitamin D, calcium, magnesium) I had a baby 1 year ago and I did had the baby blues but not post postpartum depression. I don't really exercise but I do have an active job at work, a 1 year old to take care of, and just a few walks here and there and trying to eat healthier and less processed foods but I am not going crazy about it. I generally don't drink since I dislike the taste of alcohol but have been indulging in a glass a few times a week lately just so I can mellow out and get me tired enough to fall asleep. My sleep pattern is wacky. I generally able to fall asleep in the day time easier then I do at night. But with my work I can't sleep in the day so I have to sleep with the rest of the world (at night) and even if I have trouble keeping my eyes open being so tired I will have trouble getting to sleep and be awake midnight-2 am when I get up at 5:30 am. But some nights I sleep soundly.

    Now lets talk mood swings. A few months after my baby was born I been noticing I been having massive mood swings. But that's from lack of sleep with a newborn right? Then a few months after that, my baby is basically a beginner babies for parenting for dummies. I mean, this kid is not an issue at all. He sleeps through the night very early on, he has a mild temperament. This kid is basically no excuses for my moods beside happy. But generally, my moods swings are less then pleasant. My husband great. I mean he cooks, cleans basically does his best to make things easy for me (I am the bread winner) But the poor guy usually becomes my punching bag when I get snippy.

    In all honesty I always had an excuse for my moods when he asked why I’m in a bad mood. I would just offer a guessing excused “Maybe, I didn't sleep well as I thought I did, perhaps I woke up multiple times a night without remembering it” But I would feel well rested. Or I say I am stressed about something which is true but not enough to really have me latch out. Or maybe I am tired from work. But one morning when I particularly snippy after being up and getting ready for work for 40 minutes and my poor husband who made breakfast and coffee end up being snapped at by me asked me “Geez, why you so angry?” and honestly I was taking aback because I really didn't have an excuse. I think that was my first bigger wake up call to my moods. I had little sides but I was trying to keep a mentally on working on my moods and generally try to have a more up beat attitude.

    So as the days progressed I am trying very hard to shift the way I think because I want to be positive happy person. I mean, who doesn't? So now I am paying attention closely to my actions. I know I been moody the past year but I never realize how many feelings I feel in one single day. I notice I never have the same mood more then half a day. It usually switches every few hours.

    I would either wake up, irritable, content. (usually irritable) and my moods will basically change by what happens throughout the day. I may stay irritable for a few hours or it my shifted into be anxious (another feeling I feel often. Like the really heart pounding type) without really any reason. Usually I want to be left alone around this time. Some times I feel like someone I known died but no one I felt close to so there’s no reason to mourn tears, then I feel great, energized and sociable. Then I usually crash back down to be irritable or I just feel complete indifference about everything. One feeling that seem to pop up more often the past few weeks is complete rage. Like, I'll go somewhere private and just scream/growl that comes from deep within your gut and hurt your throat and kick stuff rage. I really don't like it

    The thing is the littlest thing, that thing that really means nothing....set all these feelings off. A smiling person, yay happy feelings. I misplaced my keeps I JUST had in my hand 1 minute ago and spend 30 minutes looking for it. Complete rage. And find keys in the spot you looked 10 times. Oh, a nice weather day, I will feel like I’m walking in the sunshine and feel like everything will go right and nothing ever can go wrong. I feel motivated to do all the good things in the world. I come home and find out someone ate the ice cream that I was looking forward too....rage and frustration...I may even cry over it. Im having a great day, I feel energized and powerful that project I know that I logically know that will take a week to do....I get frustrated if I cant finish it within and evening and then I just feel utterly worthless. I will be extremely anxious about a customer I know is generally a good person. Then I talk to them to then I feel like I am on cloud 9 (Why was I feeling so anxious? How silly) then 45 minutes later I am in a fit of rage over some trivial thing.

    I realized my work is not what gets me tired at the end of the day...I get completely exhausted just by my moods and emotions. I feel like I am constantly having my mind and feelings conflict each other. I will look at something logically but my feelings usually say the other. My feelings usually seem to differ what I should be feelings. I feel insanely sexual at the most inopportune times but when I can or where its appropriate I have absolute no interest even if I was ready to ravish the person not less then 46 minutes ago. I be told someone has died, and I know I should be sad or upset but I just be complete indifferent about it. I will mourn or weep over an inanimate object that holds no sentimental value if it breaks. I will feel more passionately for the minor struggles of a stranger and want to do everything in my power to help them but for a love one greater stronger I just get more of an attitude of “get over it” I know logically I should feel other wise but I usually don't.

    Honestly I thought that was normal. I didn't realize people generally have 1 particular mood thought the day or weeks even. I sincerely thought people moods and feelings are meant to change thought the day depends how the days goes. I even asked a few people if they general stay in one mood or does it changes. People responded that is usually the same. Maybe having moods change every few hours is not typical. I never consider that. Then about a week ago I saw an ad about bi-polar. I mean I heard of it before but I never consider my moods may (?) be that. Gears started to turn in my head, I mean some of it does seem to fit and make sense.

    But I was getting a confused when I try to look it up. I seem to fit in a lot of the description for illness. I seem to fit every single symptoms perfectly. But I sit here and think, doesn't everyone feel these? Do the large portion of the populations don't? So I am a little hesitant thinking my mood swings something I should be concern about. I switch moods in the depression systems more then the mania. Like 65%

    What really got me hesitant was, most of what I read is that bi-polar moods last weeks. Mine doesn't last weeks, mine is no more then half a day of a constant mood. Also, I read that these moods are severe. Severe that it really messes with your life .I mean, I do feel very intense but nothing crippling...or at least I don't let it. I been very good at bottling them up (beside my poor hubby! He gets the blunt end of it all. The good and the bad) I mean as much as I bottle everything up, a person can tell what mood I am just by the silent body language. Such as clench jaw, or smiling. My eyes are usually rather expressive. Usually if I am in a very foul mood I have my hood up with my hoodie as a silent “don't talk to me” or slipping a few swear words when I get frustrated. But for the most part, I keep things rather checked. I put on a smile and talk pleasantly with people even tho I may feel like punching them in the face. Something in my logical mind knows they did nothing to deserve it and I actually enjoy the person company. But my moods haven't crippled my life. My work been steady, I am a very hard worker and make little mistakes and do my job correctly and safety. I am not a menace to society. I am normally courteous but I them that’s because I am empathic person. My husband I don't fight except even when I get snappy.

    I may feel a mood very strongly. But I don't act upon it.

    Now, after I just say that, that I been handling the moods so they are not too out of control, I will admit I really been having trouble bottling them up a few days. To the point that I notice some people were very hesitate (as the seem afraid. Which hurts my feelings a little when I see that small speck of fear...I mean, Im generally nice even if <angry>about something.) asking a favor to me because it was easy to spot I was in a foul mood earlier and can sense it will aggravate me. But by the point the normally asked me I switched of to my indifference or why does it matter type of moods or even in a the chipper moods so I usually don't have an issue. But usually later on some little event will upset me to a great deal and I be mad for doing the favor because that little event would never had happen if I just say no earlier. But be all smiles when I am thanked for doing said favor.

    Also, I noticed my moods have been making feel overly aggressive which to the point I getting concern about. Nothing in the lines of acting upon them, but like leave me shaking in rage which is something I been feeling a lot more often.

    So now giving my very long (sorry it was so long, it was therapeutic writing this out) back story of my exhausting mood and feeling back story is this something you believe may be bi poplar. Again I was confused about the week long (not hourly/daily changes) and not have the severity of it crippling my life. I am considering going to a doctor about it. I just wondering if I should be pushing to be tested or not.

    Last edited by Administrator; 04-25-2014 at 08:32 PM.

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    gmak (04-26-2014)
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    Old 04-25-2014, 11:25 PM   #2
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    Re: Should I be concern?

    Hi gp, It sounds like you are feeling very overwhelmed. Its hard enough with working full time especially as the breadwinner & having a one year baby. And adding all of the stress of no sleep, worrying something is wrong inside of you & keeping such a tight lid on your feelings & watch over your emotions because of course you dont want to hurt anybody's feelings. You mentioned this began after having baby & after pregnancy & birth's hormonal changes the hormone levels dont always go back to normal & i dont know very much about post partum depression but it does have many different symptoms & severities & may be part of whats wrong but because guessing wont help but seeing someone like the dr who will know whether the mood swings,rage, sleep problems, feeling indifference are part of a physical illness, emotional issue or could be part of a mental disorder. I think you are very brave facing this because sometimes admitting there is a problem is half the battle won & you will feel alot better when the dr or a specialist gets to the bottom of this & gives you some answers & the sooner the better so you can feel better soon!

    Last edited by gmak; 04-25-2014 at 11:31 PM.

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