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    Old 01-23-2005, 11:26 PM   #1
    Hope2Heal
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    Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    Hi everyone

    I have posted on the pregnancy board Under: My baby died: due in feb.
    if anyone wants to read the story. I also posted under death and dying board. I obviously am looking for some support, especially from those who have gone through the same thing. I lost my first born child 13 days ago, very unexpectedly and am deeply grieving. His name is Patrick and I feel I cannot go on at times. I would like to hear from others who have been through this and survived to tell about it.

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    Old 01-24-2005, 04:35 PM   #2
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    Re: Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    I lost my first born daughter an hour after her birth, that was many years ago and I can feel the pain as fresh today as it was then, so yes you will hurt, you will miss seeing this child grow up and you will always have a place in your heart that is special for him only and YOU WILL GO ON! It is not easy but you will be able to do this as time goes by. My daughter was named Amy! Oh, and I went on to have 2 more beautiful daughters later on and they know of their sister Amy. Hang in there, its rough in the beginning and back in the late 60's when I lost Amy the first words out anyones mouth was "have another baby right away it will help you forget" Hope you NEVER hear that, no other baby will replace the one you lost but someday you will have another baby when you are ready.

     
    Old 01-25-2005, 05:05 PM   #3
    Hope2Heal
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    Re: Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    HI and thanks for the replies.

    I appreciate NancyH taking the time to share your story. I know I will never forget him. Of course I do want to try for another child, but it seems like so much painful time will have to pass until I get to that point. I wish it could be right away. The problem is, I had trouble conceiving and it took about 2 years. I used to post on the infertility board. However we did get pregnant with no medical intervention. It was such an amazing time of my life, being pregnant. Now my past present and as it feels now, future is gone. It does help to hear that others have gotten through it.
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    Old 01-26-2005, 01:27 PM   #4
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    Re: Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    Dear Hope,

    Time is a helpful tool, in that you will always feel the pain of his passing. It will become ......more tolerable as time goes by. I lost my son, 11 years ago, this past Xmas. He was born October 19, 2003, and died December 21, 2003, we buried him on Christmas Eve. I will never get over his death....he was a special child, very healthy. Only with time, have I been able to tolerate it. It's still very raw, just like the day that it happened in my heart, as it is in every member of our family.

    Get all the support you can, find support groups, boards, etc. Every one has great advice, take it all with a grain of salt, including mine, and do what's right for you. Talk about him everytime you think about it with members of your family. He was to be a big part of their life as well as yours. We have a small celebration every year on his birthday and we purchased an angel candle that we burn every year at Christmas.

    Good luck, take care.

    aaronon

     
    Old 02-04-2005, 10:09 PM   #5
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    Re: Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    Hi Hope 2 Heal...I haven't lost a child, thank God, but I have burried more than 50 people in my 27 years and know a bit about grief. It's awful and the only thing worse than death itself, is out living your child. It just shouldn't happen...but unfortunately it does.

    Please, take the time while the grief is 'fresh' and journal every memory you have of him, you hopes, wishes, dreams, etc. because time has a way of fading your memories to hide the pain...but what joy there was tends to go with it. Right now it will feel like you're ripping your heart out, over and over again....but as the tears flow, the heart heals. Regardless of what those in your life may tell you...move on...at least you didn't get attatched (yes, this is said to many!!! YUCK! Just plain wrong!)...he's in a better place, whatever it is, it was meant to help heal, but often just pokes holes in your heart....

    Tell them, I appreciate that you're trying to help me, but at this time, it only causes me more grief. I will never forget him, I never should have to! It's as if you are better off not acknowledging he ever lived, or was....he did, he is and always will be in your heart, just as it should be. You have the right to grieve in your own way and own time and those try to 'speed up' the process will not only prolong it, they'll send it deeper into your heart, where there's little chance of recovering....just hiding....and we all know that doesn't make for a happy spirit.

    May I suggest, find something that means a lot to you and turn it into a good bye. Maybe, let some butterflies go on the mountain side, release a dove, sends balloons with messages to him in heaven, maybe even if you were able to save a lock of his hair, or something he wore, make a shadow box w/ memories of him and a poem or something and you can either display it proudly (or more so once you've healed a bit more), tuck it away in a cedar chest, whatever...listen to your heart, it will tell you.

    If you want a poem, I'd be happy to write one for you. Just give me a little information and I'll post it on this board. Just some of the birth stats (weight, length etc.) and maybe some of the feelings you're struggling with the most and I'll do my best to put something together for you.

    My heart goes out to you and I wish there was something I could do, but you're doing what you can with what you have and that's about all you can do. I'm glad you reached out for support....because so many don't or even worse, they do and are shut down....keep fighting and you'll walk in the sun again....doesn't mean it never rains, but soon it will quit flooding. Always does, but the flood fades faster if you have friends sand bagging for you....and I promise, there's a lot of people here that will sand bag with and for you....just give them a chance.

    Hugs to you and your little angel. I pray this finds you filled with at least a little hope, but it will probably find you on your knees and still in tears....and for that I am truly sorry. You know, there will be an ironic twist down the road, when someone asks you how did you survive this...and one day you'll realize, you really did survive it! It's odd and oddly inspiring....but the God's honest truth is, that you didn't have a choice. You made it through because you had to and your heart was one thread stronger than the grief.

    Also, do find some support groups locally if possible. The labor and delivery nurses can tell you where to find them. I personally found that in the first few stages it made it harder to hear the other's stories, more depressing, etc. But on-line support is there just when you need it and when you're too teary eyed to continue on, it will be there later and no one will know you had to walk away.

    Take care of your heart, post as often as your heart needs and keep reaching out until something sticks and helps. If not here or in your hometown, keep looking, you'll find it. That I can promise!

    Love Angel
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    Old 02-08-2005, 10:42 AM   #6
    Hope2Heal
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    Re: Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    HI again

    Thank you aaronon for sharing your story. I guess time really does pass eventually. everyone says time will heal, and I keep thinking, what time? when will this time happen? Right now, not back to work yet , recovering from surgery and now as an added bonus, the flu, I feel time is so slow.

    Today, Feb 8th, was my due date. My little son Patrick, was born 4 weeks early at 36 weeks gestation. He was 5 pounds 5 oz and 19 inches long. He was born at 7:19 PM. I did not get to see him be born as I was under general anesthesia. My husband was not allowed into the OR.

    He was beautiful, with dark tufts of hair, a sweet little nose, and long feet and hands. I was so sad that I would never see his little mouth move or his eyes open and look at me or his little hand wrap around my finger.

    I guess he was not a true stillbirth, since he had a heartbeat right up until they took him out. They would not have done a c-section if they thougt he was already gone. They really believed he was going to be born alive but was maybe in distress. He just never took a breath.

    Angel, I appreciate the time you took to write me that beautiful message. If you would like to write a poem, I would be honored. The way I am feeling today it was good to hear it. I spent a good part of the weekend crying. I have been pretty lucky that most people don't say insensitive things to me yet, but I have been surprised by my own mother , who has been a tremendous support to me, had flown in to see me in the hospital, got to hold her grandchild, cried with me. She has made a few need to move on type comments and it has bothered me. She is an impatient person and is a very fast paced person. She is also grieving the death of her mother (my grandma) who died a week after baby Patrick. We both believe Grandma is taking care of my baby for me.

    Another thing is my dad. My parents are divorced. My dad and I have had a rocky relationship over the years but we try to be friendly now. He keeps refering to me as "my little girl" (he has not acted anything like a father to me in like 20 years) He has been very emotional about this and I know it has affected him deeply. He was very happy for us when we became pregnant. He also makes comments that he knows i'll be ok he has confidence in my husband. It really annoys me. My husband has done more for me than my father ever has. We have been together 12 years. If my dad wants to be supportive, why doens't he ever come to visit me? i have lived away from home for just about 7 years and never has he come to visit, though he has been invitied. Also, his longtime partner(girlfriend) who he lives with, has not once called or emailed me, sent a card or anything. I considered her family since she has been with my dad for 15 years. It is dissapointing.

    Something else people say a lot is "This too shall pass." I am getting tired of that one. Well, the tsunami came and it did pass, but look what got left in its wake? Just because something passes, doesn't make the survivors any better off for surviving. It just doesn't mean anything to me.


    I just don't know how I can cope sometimes. This whole past weekend I cried and cried. I saw a commercial with a newborn in it and must have cried for half an hour afterward. Sometimes the slightest thought will have me burst into tears. Sometimes just the word "cry" comes into my head and I start to cry. ON friday Patrick would have been a month old.

    I am looking into support groups, but sometimes it seems when it comes time to talk about what i am feeling in front of people, I just go numb. Then when I am home alone, I cry my eyes out.

    Thank you for listening and I will continue to check the board for additional replies.

    Hope2heal
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    Old 02-10-2005, 12:33 PM   #7
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    Re: Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    Dear Hope, my name is Leslie. My heart is so broke for you. I know exactly what you are feeling and there is no other hurt like it. I lost my son to stillbirth. His name is Devan. What I did not know at the time was that I have Lupus, my blood clots. I had a huge blood clot in the placenta and when I was pushing I had placenta abrupto, where it pulls completly apart, he was instantly without air. I am 34 yrs. old and this past Jan. 15, Devan would have been 13! I go to his grave every year and sit and cry. It hurts still, and that's ok..if that makes any sense to you. Do not put a time limit on your grief... there is no set time for it. Talk about it all you want, if that is what helps you. That is what I did and still do. Hopefully you have people around you that atleast try to understand the depth of your hurt and they will listen and talk to you as well. I have to say, I dealt with some real idiots and the stupid things they said to me, just hurt me that much more. Thank god for my mom and my sisters, they were great and still are.
    There are so many ways of grieving and healing. There's really no right and wrong ways (unless you are doing something un-healthy) But honey, you take your sweet time and do it your way. I'll tell you one thing I did do, I of course already had his baby-book, so I sat down and wrote Devan a letter to put in that book and I dated, it was 2 days after his funeral. I still get that letter out and read it and it still makes me cry. I am crying as I write to you, its just an unbelievable feeling. But you know, it is ok to cry. You will go on, and you will laugh again someday and when the thought of little Patrick hits you, you will cry again and its ok!
    I need to go right now, but if I can help at all, I sure will. And I will pray for you. I'm so sorry and you take care of yourself. Leslie

     
    Old 02-10-2005, 07:25 PM   #8
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    Re: Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    Today I looked to the sky and wondered
    Did my angel get their wings or are you looking down on me?
    I know there's not a moment that passes without you in it
    But I can't help but wonder, what is it that you see?
    Do you see me crying?
    Do you kiss the tears as they touch the ground?
    Or are you soaring with the other angels?
    And are those precious cheeks, still chubby and round?
    Do you realize how much I miss you
    And how much my heart aches?
    Do you know how much dreams of you mean to me?
    Or, can anyone tell me how much more my heart can take?
    Am I still a mommy
    Even though you're not by my side?
    Or did I lose that title
    On the day that you died?
    I wonder all the time
    What you would be doing if you were still here
    But it only hurts more
    And leaves me filled with fear.
    I want to try again
    But if it happened again, I could never stand the pain.
    I don't think God would keep two of my angels
    But I don't know if I'm willing to risk it again.
    Please know mommy loves you
    And would give anything to see your sweet smile
    And hold you in my arms,
    Even if just for a little while.
    I love you more than life itself
    And will see you again, when I am called home to stay....
    So until then, sweetpea,
    Keep watching over me and help me find my way.
    --Angel

    BLESSED BY THE HEART

    Blessed be the heart
    That has experienced great sorrow
    Blessed be the heart
    That finds the strength to face tomorrow
    Blessed be the heart
    That's smile has found a way
    Blessed be the heart
    That cherishes each and every day
    Blessed be the heart
    That has found a way to keep on giving
    Blessed be the heart
    That was called home too soon
    And the hearts with the courage
    To keep their memories living.

    To all of you experiencing grief on any level, the heart takes more than you ever think it could, more importantly should.....do not let the sorrow turn you bitter, for even in the darkest of times, the heart is stronger than any sorrow and can be turned into a light to guide others through the darkness. You can not bring back the loved ones that are lost, nor would they want to leave the peace of home. It is us who are unfortunate enough to be left behind who truly suffer....

    I have lost much, but because of it, I have learned things that no one my age has any business knowing and I choose not to let that stop me from smiling (unfortunately it also doesn't keep me from crying enough to water a large garden!!!) or reaching out for someone who isn't ready to make it back out....it is sometimes the only thing that gives me the strenght to keep on living.

    Hugs and kisses to you all and your angels. Kiss them goodnight for me and know that they will live on in your heart as long as you think of them, share memories of them and allow them to fly with the other angels.

    Love to all.

    P.S. I'll be back to edit it when my brain kicks back on. I spent a while today with reporters from my local newspaper....they are being kind enough to do a story on the program I am starting for parents with chronic illnesses and their complete lack of a support system in my state. Toodles to all......remember, there are angels everywhere and in every shape and size....most of them, you'll never even know were there to keep you from falling....don't miss out on the every day miracles that are shrouded in grief.
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    Old 02-15-2005, 07:42 PM   #9
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    Re: Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    Hi. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have been there, twice. Our first daughter, Emma Rose, passed away an hour after her birth. They tried and tried, but they could not save her. There was no explanation for her death. I felt like my world would never be put back together, but it was and we got pregnant again. With our second daughter, Meghan Layne, my pregnancy started showing the same signs in it's 6th month and through ultrasounds, we saw the same symptoms with Meghan that Emma had exhibited upon her birth. Meghan lived for six and a half weeks on a respirator and feeding tube before it was found that she had Nemaline Rod Myopathy, a form of Muscular Dystrophy and there is no life expectancy for a newborn who is born with this disease, so we had to make the horrible decision to let her go, although we knew in our hearts it was the right thing to do. They went back and examined the autopsy slides of Emma's and it was found she had the disease as well. It was a horrible day to be placing another headstone in that cemetary. Every year we visit them on their birthdays and place balloons there and every Christmas we donate toys to St. Jude's hospital. It's our way of remembering our girls by helping other children. Emma would be 4 this year and Meghan would be 2 and even though the hurt has subsided I still find myself looking at children who would be their age and imagining what they would be doing, what they would look like. But our story does have a happy ending. We are currently in the process of adopting and I feel our daughters will hand-pick the child we were meant to parent. I know that here on earth our daughters would have been confined to beds and living on respirators and feeding tubes, but I know in Heaven they are running and jumping and playing and that we have two beautiful angels to watch over us. I know your son is watching over you and he is with you every day. Time does heal all wounds and that day will come for you, too, even if it doesn't feel like it now. If I may give some advice, people will say alot of hurtful things to you, maybe even your family, but please don't be angry with them, they only want to help and they really don't know what to say.

    Thinking of you,

    Stacy

     
    Old 03-04-2005, 06:53 PM   #10
    Hope2Heal
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    Re: Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    Angel, the poems were so beautiful and exactly how I am feeling. You said what I have barely been able to think. I appreciate you taking your time to do that. I will print it and put it in his memory box. Thank you so much.

    Stacy thank you for sharing your painful story. And poofy for sharing yours. I realize I am not alone and it helps.

    I spent the last 2 weeks in the hospital due to blood clots in my leg that developed from the C-section. So i would have responded sooner. I am recovering and worse for the wear, but thinking I am getting better.



    thanks to everyone who reached out to me with your kind words and thoughts.

    Peace, Hope2heal
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    Old 04-04-2005, 09:53 PM   #11
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    Re: Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    i lost my baby boy in october at 43 weeks pregnant. i was in labor to long and the cord ccaused him to die. everyday is a struggle for me, so often i feel like i cant go on without him. im supposed to be a mommy, im supposed to go before him. it hurts more than any words can say. and it is so so hard to find people who truely undretsand. i had a perfectly healthy baby boy, i never got to hear cry. i still havent been able to return to church, i question everything. i am just writing to say i am praying for you and all we can do is hope and pray that we will make it through this unimaginabletimes.

     
    Old 04-07-2005, 02:24 AM   #12
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    Re: Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    Hi there..
    I am sorry for what happened. I just joined this site and was searching for a topic and seen this one...
    The same thing happened with my mom... my oldest brother was stillborn, she went in labor with him at 5 months, and the cord choked him ...
    I myself have a beautiful son.. and i cant imagine how I'd feel if I was you or any other mother who lost a child.
    Strange this is, my grandma (moms mom) her first baby was a boy and he didnt make it either, my moms first baby was a boy and he didnt make it... and then when i got pregnant and found out he was a boy, i was so scared the same thing would happen to me. But thank the Lord it didnt.
    I am so sorry that happened to you... you will definately be in my prayers, and just know that your not alone, God is there.. and He loves you..
    Well thats all i guess i can say. I just wanted to say a lil somethin to you, God bless you...

     
    Old 05-09-2005, 08:39 PM   #13
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    Re: Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    Hi everyone
    It has been a long time since I have been on this board. . . I had gone from reaching out and seeking support to not wanting to talk about it. I have been dealing with medical issues as well. Got a new doctor, who thinks the blood clots in the placenta and the clots in my leg 2 months later is related and I may have an underlying disorder. However the tests all came back negative but she said they don't always show on tests the first time.

    I miss my baby terriblly still. He would of been 4 months old on May 11. MOthers day was tough. My wonderful husband bought me roses. Some other insensitive people insist on telling me about their own wonderful babies and what they got for mothers day.

    I have gone through his baby clothes recently and looked at each outfit and cried. I have read all the sympathy cards again. I am unable to bring myself to go to a support group. I don't think I can handle other peoples emotions and pain.

    I have returned to work and that has helped tremendously. I had returned to the gym and that was great too. I had my new doc prescribe me progesterone to stimulate my period to come and since it has come I feel more hope agian, that I can try again in a few months.

    In many ways I am doing a lot better and thank everyone for their support. I can't believe how well I am handling life, getting up every day and going to work. I am taking an anti-depressant and that is helping as well.

    I wish everyone healing in your own struggles with loss and grief.
    I welcome any responses.

    hope2heal.
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    Old 05-12-2005, 03:35 PM   #14
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    Re: Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    Hi,

    I lost my baby when I was 29 weeks pg on 1/23/05. They are calling it a cord accident, since he was otherwise perfect. I noticed that you wrote your inital message when I still in the hospital odd huh?

    Everyday is a challenge for me, everywhere I go, everything I do, I feel him. I spent the first month in bed and every other day since then in a daze. Some days the tears just won't stop flowing and I search for an answer as to WHY this had to happen to my baby and me and my husband. I am not an overly religious person but some days I do feel that reading the bible does help me feel closer to G-d. And I feel that if I am closer to G-d than I am closer to my only son.

    It has been only 3.5 months. I joined a support group two months after my loss and I have to say it has been wonderful and really turned my life around. I highly suggest giving it a try. The couples I have met have been so supportive and it has been really helpful to talk to others that have been through the same thing. We don't discuss our problems, we discuss our pain, our hurt, our experiences and our hopes and dreams. We cry together and we even laugh together. I have really come to rely on the other women in the group, more than any of my other friends who have not had this terrible horrible tradegy. I miss my baby too, I will never stop missing him. I hate that the only way I can visit with him is in the cemetary.

    I hope you find peace one day.

    Last edited by Brighteyes4; 05-12-2005 at 03:57 PM.

     
    Old 05-22-2005, 09:40 AM   #15
    Juliaw815
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    Re: Lost my baby. . . stillbirth

    I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my first born son as well he was stillborn. He was also premature. I am pregnant again now although it has not been an easy road. I lost my son in 2000 it is now 2005 and I am finally able to carry my babies to full term. My new doctor has given me great medical care and I am 37 weeks 5 days pregnant with no signs of fetal distress. I dont know what your situation is with how or why you lost Patrick, but I had a cervical cerclage done to prevent a preterm delivery. The doctor also gave me progesterone from my 4th week of pregnancy until I was 26 weeks. I will pray for you and your family. It is hard at first but god does everything for a reason. I know thats the last thing you want to hear. I didn't either, but god has finally blessed me with a child hopefully all will go well. Im sure the same can be said for you. You will have a child. I have been through 6 pregnancies previous to this one. I lost all hope and cried my eyes out many of times. When I found out I was pregnant this time I was over joyed and sad at the same time. I was so worried Id never be able to have a living child. I am hopeful know. I am also hopeful you will as well.
    Im very sorry for your loss

     
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