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    Old 10-31-2005, 04:55 PM   #1
    Hope2Heal
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    91/2 months after my baby's death

    HI everyone

    I haven't been online in awhile, computer problems.
    It has been almost 10 months now and what a ride. Patrick died Jan. 11 2005 and I have not been the same since. I am coping and surviving.
    Working full time and living my life as normal, although we did move to another town and get new jobs over the summer. I was on anti-depressent until last month. I went off in order to loose weight and also we want to start trying again soon for another baby.
    I am a little more emotional since being off the anti-D, can't believe how much it helped me, kept me from obsessing over everything. Also now, the holidays are coming and last year at this time I was having showers thrown and was very pregnant and excited and picking names and all the fun stuff of being preg. IT is also the time of year I found out I had gestational diabetes and that was a dark time for me. So I am dreading the holidays, it was to be our first as a family. Now all I have left are photos and momentos, instead of a happy healthy almost year old child. I have much feelings of guilt that I should of done more when I noticed little problems, such as decreased movement and swelling with me. My doctors made it seem like everything was no big deal and I was the worry wort. I didn't know better but my gut told me something wasn't right. I kept convincing myself I was just overworried.
    I have been through a lot of medical stuff this year with getting blood clots in my leg and also finding there were blood clots in the placenta which caused him to suffer oxygen deprivation. I had been on coumadin for 6 months to keep the blood thin and have been advised that if I get preg. again I should take heparin shots to keep blood from clotting.
    I do hope to be pregnant and have a child but I am more afraid than I thought. Do I have the physical strenght to get through another high risk pregnancy? Am I emotionally able to deal?
    Meanwhile I have all these baby things, a nursery, etc. I can't just let it sit here forever! I am in my almost mid 30s so I can't wait forever either.
    I am wondering if anyone else has lost their little one at birth and if so, did you try for another? How did it go? Also, does anyone have similar problems with blood clots?

    Thanks for listening. . . I am so sorry for everyones losses that have posted on this board. Our angels are waiting for us and looking over us.
    Hope
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    Old 11-01-2005, 03:08 AM   #2
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    Re: 91/2 months after my baby's death

    Hope - I did not have the same experience however, i have a friend who after a few miscarriages the figured out it was the blood clots that were suffocating the baby. they put her on shots to thin the blood the whole pregnancy and she had a healthy boy. I hope that puts our mind at ease when trying for another.
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    Old 11-01-2005, 12:44 PM   #3
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    Re: 91/2 months after my baby's death

    hope
    i am so sorry for your loss i know i have not been through the same but my m/c made me feel robbed of my future just like you, although i did not make as many plans or was as ready as you were awaiting your arrival i am doing this now as i am pg again and my worry never ends. i want a healthy baby in my arms soon i just wanted to wish you all the luck in the world you deserve your long awaited happiness sending you lots of hugs and best wishes.

     
    Old 11-01-2005, 04:47 PM   #4
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    Re: 91/2 months after my baby's death

    I have not had an experience like yours, but I just wanted to let you know that my prayers are with you and your family, God Bless You

     
    Old 11-01-2005, 05:36 PM   #5
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    Re: 91/2 months after my baby's death

    thank you for the replies everyone. It means alot to me to have the ear and support of others. It is good to know someone else had a baby after clot problems thanks for the encouragement dh22 also weepyone good luck with your pregnancy and I always tell every pregnant woman I meet, make sure you have a good doctor who listens to you and if you are ever worried about anything don't feel silly just get it checked out.
    I held someones baby today about 3 months old and he looked in my eyes and began touching my face with both hands and making these sounds like he was trying to say something. He wouldn't stop touching my face and "talking" to me and staring into my eyes the whole time. I have never had a baby do that to me it was weird. I had to hand him back, it was very emotional.
    After my baby died, I just couldn't wait until I was ready to start trying again. We agreed 6-8 months. Now here I am and am scared to go for it!
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    Old 11-02-2005, 01:20 AM   #6
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    Re: 91/2 months after my baby's death

    hi hope
    i know it is a very emotional time but if you waited for ever you would never not worry but i know this board has helped me an awful lot. if you are getting the problem treated then have faith (also a good girls name we considered it) that all will be well. i know the fear is heart wrenching i even told dh if we had problems this pg i could never do it again this is not necessarily true but like your i would def need a good break. best best wishes

     
    Old 11-02-2005, 11:50 AM   #7
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    Re: 91/2 months after my baby's death

    I completely understand the being scared to do it again, Fortunate it may be I have not suffered quite a loss, I have had 3 m/c's early on and had thrown in the towel deciding that the two children I already had were enough and to no longer try with all the heartache. I found myself pregnant again anyway last June and I began a countdown, each day I woke up and thought this will be the day my baby dies, every cramp sent me to the bathroom, and even when I didn't need to be in the restroom I was there checking for blood. My doctor a wonderful man went out of his way and his knowledge base and prescribed progesterone to me in hopes that it might help. There really is little proof that it does or doesn't. It offered me some relief but the countdown continued. I am pleased to say I am now 24 weeks pregant with a baby girl and even though I have passed the worst time I still dread the possibilities. I guess what I am trying to say is that you will feel that fear no matter what the doctors give you, and no matter how far along you are. You can only hope and pray that this time it goes your way. Good luck and may god be with you.
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    Old 11-04-2005, 09:19 PM   #8
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    Re: 91/2 months after my baby's death

    I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you can get through this. I hope you find your own way in healing from this as I have found mine. I experienced the loss of my daughter when I was 8 months pregnant. She was a stillbirth. I remember having the same thoughts about having another child. I was scared, but 5 months later I was pregnant again. I can tell you being pregnant the second time wasnít easy. I always had negative thoughts about my pregnancy because I was so scared of losing my baby again. I now have a 7 month old daughter. I can tell you that the first year for me was very hard not having my daughter with me. I donít think that anyone who loses someone really gets over it. I know my heart was broken when I lost my daughter and it will always be some what broken, but now I accept that she is truly in a better place. If you need someone to talk to I will be here. Best wishes to you.

     
    Old 11-05-2005, 07:40 AM   #9
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    Re: 91/2 months after my baby's death

    thanks for the kind words. It gives me hope that others have gone on to become pregnant and deliver a live child after a loss. My biggest concern now is finding a doctor. I moved to a new town and don't know anyone around here to get a referrel. I do know about one of the hospital system here that specializes in prenaltal care and high risk pregnancies. Do I just call the number and ask them to refer me to someone? I really want to get my annual pap and general health checked before trying again and then speak with a specialist about the risks associated and what to expect in the next pregnancy. This hospital is one of the reasons I moved to this town.
    what is the best way to go about this?
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    Old 11-13-2005, 07:22 AM   #10
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    Re: 91/2 months after my baby's death

    Hope,

    I am sorry about your son. It has been 9mo. now since my daughter Alyssa died. It is a struggle everyday. We just found out a couple weeks ago we are preg again. I am telling everyone I am not going to worry but in my own mind I constantly worry this one will die too. I had a feeling something was wrong before my baby died, I even told my nurse at my dr office but they just told me it's normal to be nervous for first time mothers. But I knew something was going to happen, she wasn't moving much, I told them they said it is normal for the baby to slow down at the end. Sometimes I wonder if they would have just listened to me if Alyssa would have lived. I wish you luck and you are in m prayers.

    Livie

     
    Old 11-27-2005, 09:29 PM   #11
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    Re: 91/2 months after my baby's death

    Hope ~ I hope you are still checking this board. I have thought about you several times over the last several months. I responded to you when you lost your baby. I too lost a baby. I was 7 months pregnant and went in for a gender u/s. I knew something was wrong but never dreamed my baby had died. I gave birth to my daughter who weighed it at 1lb 2oz. My world came crashing down around me. That was 5 & 1/2 yrs ago (June 2000). We never found out what went wrong. She had been dead for about 3 weeks when I gave birth so no testing could be done on the placenta. It had started to deteriate. I can deal with it better now than I could but it still pains me everyday and I know it will for the rest of my life. A part of our hearts died with our babies. I tried the next year for a baby and it ended in miscarriage. At the time I thought I was ready for another baby but after the miscarriage I realized I wasn't ready. I had not accepted the fact that my first baby had died. I attended counseling and took anti-depressents as well. It helped but I decided I didn't want to take them for the rest of my life so I quit them. I did get emotional when I stopped but it got better. I finally felt like I was ready for another baby and in March 2003 I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Right after he turned a year old we decided we were ready for another baby. 3 months later I found out I was pregnant. She was due 5 days after my son's 2nd birthday. I started having problems with that pregnancy around 7 months. My baby stopped growing. Upon entering the hospital we found out that she wasn't receiving any blood flow from the umbilical cord and she was dying. Needless to say they did an emergency c-section on me. My daughter came in to this world weighing in at 1lb 10oz and 13 inches long. She is now 11 months old and weighs 14lbs. We never found out what was happening to my placentas but they weren't functioning correctly. My son was also very small but my placenta didn't mess up with him until right at the end of my pregnancy. Just know not to give up. You will have a family. I wish you all the best.

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    Old 11-30-2005, 07:37 PM   #12
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    Re: 91/2 months after my baby's death

    Thank you Nutshell for sharing your story. I do remember your response to me back in february. I saved all the responses from everyone from that post, I think there were over 50 responses. I am going to print them all on his anniversary/birthday and put them in his memory box , along with all the sympathy cards and momentos. this board has been so helpful in so many ways. The outpouring of support I recieved after Patrick's Death I will never forget the kindness of strangers, all who said different things to me that brought small comfort. Mostly knowing I wasn't alone and that others have gone on to have healthy babies. Livie. . . I feel what you are saying about knowing something was wrong and being told not to worry. I always questioned his movement starting around 7 months. But then I think about all the babies that go through worse things than patrick and survived, babies born at 25 weeks or with heart disease and make it! So I guess he just wasn't strong enought to survive this world.

    I did make an appointment with a perinatologist for 2 weeks from now for a consultation. I hope to get some answers and suggestions for the next pregnancy. I dream of the day I will have a live healthy child in my arms. It pains me to even see a baby still, my heart aches when I see pregnant women. Will I always be like that?

    Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories and taking time to respond with kind words. IT means a lot to me and helps me much.

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    Old 11-30-2005, 09:37 PM   #13
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    Re: 91/2 months after my baby's death

    You will not always be like that. I remember when my sister in law got pregnant with her second child. It was about a year after I lost my baby. Everyone was so excited about it except for me. Someone asked me what I thought about it and I exploded. My exact words were "NO I am not happy for them. Here she is having a second child and I can't even have one" I kept everything bottled up inside of me until I just completly broke down one day. After seeking counseling and getting it all out I started to feel better. I still hurt but I felt as though I may be able to actually live and not hate everyone who was pregnant or had a baby. My counselor helped me tremendously. If you haven't done so I encourage you to seek counseling. It helps when you can talk to someone who isn't a friend or family. I would completely unload on my counselor and she would help me work through it. I feel like if it wasn't for her I would have never been emotionally stable enough to have a child. I wish you all the best.
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    Old 12-01-2005, 07:31 PM   #14
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    Re: 91/2 months after my baby's death

    Nutshell
    I have considered counseling but insurance doesn't cover. Is it expensive? Also, How do you who to choose? I did go to one support group and it was terrible. Some people who always go, hogged all the time and left none for us newcomers. Also, everyone kept rehashing their birth story while I needed to talk about how I am dealing with life now. I would like counseling but feel it would be difficult to find the right person.

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    Old 12-13-2005, 08:22 PM   #15
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    Re: 91/2 months after my baby's death

    Sorry I haven't been around for a while. My daughter has been in the hospital and is undergoing surgery on Thurs so I haven't been online.

    My family doc set up my appt with my counselor. I just happened to get a good counselor who was a woman and had the same religious beliefs as I did. My ins covered my counseling but I know that she charged my ins $250 per hour. I don't know if they would charge an individual that without insurance or not. I am sorry you had a bad experience with the support group. I wish I could help you more. I will be checking these boards when I am able in the next couple of weeks. If you have any questions or anything I can help with let me know.
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