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  • TTC for 2 years - recently had miscarriage

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    Old 08-03-2007, 09:53 AM   #1
    seeiay
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    Unhappy TTC for 2 years - recently had miscarriage

    Hi, I am 30 years old and my DH is 29. We've been ttc since June 2005. It took me a long time to get the nerve up to see someone about our trouble getting pregnant. We waited until we'd been ttc for 15 months (November 2006) before we saw an RE.

    It turned out that my DH is completely healthy, but that I have ovulation problems. I was prescribed Clomid and started on 50 mg in March 2007. I wanted to start treatment with my January cycle, but we went out of the country to visit family for the whole of January. That was such a hard wait and my family kept hounding us about why we didn't have a baby yet.

    The March treatment was not successful, so the Clomid dosage was raised to 100 mg for April. It worked. We were so happy. It was the first good news in a long time. I started feeling funny in May and my co-workers teased me about being pregnant. None of them knew that I had been trying, but it got me thinking.

    By that time I had used so many OPK that I didn't realize that you read HPT differently. I took the HPT, but since both lines weren't the same color I thought that it meant that it was a BFN. I showed DH the test when he got home from work and he looked at me like I was crazy. He read and reread the instructions to me. It was a BFP, not matter the color of the lines. I had a blood test to confirm. I had never been so happy to be so wrong.

    We scheduled our first U/S for what would've been wk 7 of the PG. There was a sac and he thought he saw a fetal pole, but there was no hb and nothing was measuring right for wk 7. We went back after a week and there wasn't any change. Sadly we were told that I was going to miscarry. That was June 7, 2007.

    I opted for a natural miscarriage vs. a d&c. It happened on July 4th (which would've been wk 12). It was very painful. I actually went into a kind of labor and had contractions. I was never warned that it could happen that way, but have found since that many women have experienced similar miscarriages. I think I still would've decided to have a natural miscarriage even if I'd known that it could be that painful, but it would have been nice to just know. I don't think I would've been as panicky and scared and my DH could've known more what to do.

    We had the miscarriage at home by ourselves. The placenta was a lot bigger than I was expecting. DH buried the remains in our backyard. I haven't been able to visit yet, but I'm comforted that I will be able to when I feel ready. I want to make a marker and plant flowers someday.

    The doctor said that we have the ok to start ttc again after my AF starts again which should be really soon. DH really wants to start again and I do too, but I feel so emotionally drained. I was so sad for so long about not getting pg and then I was pg for such a short short time, but it made all the hardship worth it and now I'm not pg anymore and I feel like a part of me died and no one in my life understands - even DH...

    I'm so afraid that I won't be able to get pregnant again. I'm afraid that if I do get pregnant I will lose the baby again. I'm afraid if I tell my friends and family all of this that they will judge me and say things that will make things worse. I feel like there's this wall between me and everyone else who has never had any of these problems. I walk around in the world and I feel like I have this secret weighing me down.

    I want so much to be positive and hopeful, but it's so hard to find the light in all of this. I don't know how I'm supposed to be dealing with all of this. I want to cope in a healthy way- but what is that?

    Thank you so much to whover takes the time to read this. It's nice to have a place to express my real feelings.

    -Christine

     
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    Old 08-03-2007, 06:42 PM   #2
    Hope2Heal
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    Re: TTC for 2 years - recently had miscarriage

    Hello

    I am very sorry for your loss and all you have been through.

    I understand the pain and anguish of having fertility problems just to discover the joyful feeling of finally being pregnant and thinking this was all meant to be and all the relief just to go through the confusion and despair of loosing the baby in the end.

    In May of 2004 I discovered I was pregnant after TTC unsucsessfully for about 4 years. My husband and I had gotten some testing done and everything looked good so we never did anything as far as medications. I did the charting and OTK and temps and took some herbal supplements and hoped. I couldn't believe we both had similar stories with the pregnancy test, I too had been so used to the OTK. I took the HPT about 4 AM and watched both lines appear and it just didn't register. After a while I finally realized what I was looking at and went into shock!

    Of course I was overjoyed to be preg. finally and told the world. I had a very difficult pregnancy with swelling, gest. diabetes, incredible weight gain, no health insurance, and lots of other aches and pains. All through it I said who cares at least I am preg and that in itself made me so happy. Anyone who can get preg easily will never understand this. Around 7-8 months I began having serious concerns about the baby not moving as much. My doctor insisted I was fine. I had 2 showers thrown for me and we got to work putting together a nursery.

    Right after the new year in 2005 the morning of Jan 11 I did not feel the baby move. I was admitted to the hospital and they did some tests. HE had a heartbeat but was not showing movement. They did an emergency C-section and put me under general anesthesia. When I woke up from surgery they told me my baby "didn't make it." They had tried to revive him for an hour with no results. They could not get him to breathe. I was at 36 weeks just about 9 months into the pregnancy and my beautiful son was dead. HE was 5 pounds 5 oz and perfect. They still have not been able to give me a cause of death other than some oxygen problems with the placenta but do not know what caused it. Needless to say I was devestated, shocked horrified and deeply sad, lost and in complete despair. We had him cremated and sorry to say he is still with me in a little blue box I have not had the heart to part with him in any way yet such as scattering or burial.

    I spent a lot of time fantasizing and wishing for things to have gone different. However I soon was able to focus my energy on getting preg again. I was terrified that I would not be able to that my only chance for a baby was gone forever. We waited one year to try again and went to a new doctor, got health insurance, saw a specialist and got the green light to try again. We got pregnant on our first try. I couldn't believe it how fast it happend. I was overcome with relief. I found out I was pregnant just a few days before the anniversary of my son's death. It was as if HE was giving us a gift.

    My second pregnancy was very difficult, worse than the first . I had so much anxiety and the time seemed to go sooooo slowwww. I was somewhat depressed and very uncomfortable and always in pain. I counted the minutes until he would be born. I had to give myself shots and was seeing doctors/specialists 2x a week toward the end, I had like 4 dfifferent doctors.

    Finally last summer on Aug. 16 my second son was born at almost 8 pounds. They did a C-section with him and we opted to deliver him 4 weeks early the same week (36) my first baby was born. No one wanted to take any chances. Other than 5 days of NICU my almost one year old is very very strong healthy and happy. After all I went through I ended up getting my tubes tied , I just could never put myself through any of it ever again.It was so ironic to want a baby for so long and TTC over and over and then get your tubes tied in the end. I never thought I could do something like that but I have been so traumatized mentally and physically.

    My son will be an only child and it hurts sometimes I wish both the boys were here I would have a 2/12 year old and a one year old. My son is just a great perfect baby and I am so lucky to have him. He is just starting to walk, and is full of smiles and energy.

    I wanted to share my story to let you and others know that subsequent pregnancy is possible after a loss. And that there are others out there who have gone through similar experiences. And to let you know how sorry I am and that the pain does get better with time as you move farther away from THE DATE, however it never goes away all togehter and the experience does change you forever. I wish you lots of luck and hope that there will be another pregnancy in your near future.
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    Last edited by Hope2Heal; 08-03-2007 at 06:48 PM.

     
    Old 08-04-2007, 05:41 AM   #3
    seeiay
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    Re: TTC for 2 years - recently had miscarriage

    Hope2Heal,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It gives me hope and comfort to know that you were able to get through your ordeal and to end up with a son. I want that so badly for myself and everyone else who is TTC after a loss.

    Thanks again.

    -Christine

     
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