It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

  • In Memory of Patrick: Offering Hope

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 01-11-2008, 07:29 PM   #1
    Hope2Heal
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2003
    Posts: 473
    Hope2Heal HB User
    In Memory of Patrick: Offering Hope

    Hi Everyone

    3 years ago on Tuesday January 11, 2005 I was told my firstborn son "didn't make it" after giving birth via emergency C-section. I woke up from the anesthesia to face the worse nightmare of my entire life. I can't believe he would be three years old today!

    A quick summary, though some of you may remember me. I was 36 weeks along with my first after a fairly normal pregnancy. after 2 days of cramping and contraction like pain I woke up on that Tuesday morning and felt no movement. I wasn't overly concerned because I had for about 6 weeks been experienceing slowed movement which my doc said was normal. (but I was always worried about it, too stupid and naive to go get a second opinion) he checked me out and baby had a normal heartbeat but he was concerned about the lack of movement so sent me for tests at the hospital. After an entire afternoon of non stress tests there was no movement being recorded however since the baby's heart was beating they began to think maybe he was in distress and decided a STAT C-section was needed to get baby out and help him out. I was terrified but never thought anything negative would come of it. He was alive after all with beating heart!

    When I came to, I was in pain initially and then when the pain numbed I began to ask for the baby. I wondered where he was. I was very groggy. My husband came and stood next to me and didn't look well. I asked again, "Where s the baby" and they said, "I'm sorry, he didn't make it." I was so weak from the anesthesia and surgery, I could barely talk, I was just in shock and disbelief, denial, etc. "What do you mean didn't make it" They went on to say he had not been breathing when he came out and they attemtped to resucitate for an hour with no sign of life. "He just wouldn't take a breath" they kept saying. AT that moment time stopped. I was sure all the clocks in the world just froze at that moment.

    I don't have to tell you all what a heartwrenching and tragic time this was for me and my family. At the time I never thought my life would be normal again. I was so angry, sad, depressed, all of the emotions you can imagine.

    I held my little guy 3 times, he was 5 lbs 5 oz, with big eyes, lots of dark brown hair, and absolutely perfect in every way. He had stitches sewing him up and tubes in his mouth initially. Later, I got him again without the tubes, but they had done an autopsy so I did not unwrap him from his clothes, hat and blanket, I didn't want to see where they had cut my precious baby up. AFter many years of trying for a child we felt so blessed to finally be pregnant and all for it to end.


    It was pure hell, a time of my life so completely devoid of joy and hope. There was no light at the end of any tunnel just a long road ahead of recovering mentally and physically and all I saw was pain, suffering and a sad, bleak future. To make matters worse I ended up back in the hospital for 2 straight weeks after they found infected blood clots in my deep veins of my pelvis and legs. I ended up on antidepressants after that. (The same doctor who was my OB and negligent with my pregnancy initially diagnosed me with a flu (I went a week and half with high fever and severe lower body pain before taking myself to the hospital.)

    The autopsy showed nothing wrong with my little boy, however the study of the placenta showed he suffered from hypoxia (oxgen deprivation) and list this as the cause of death. But no one could say how or why it happened. The report stated that this situation with the placenta called chorangiosis is often seen in women with hypertension and gestational diabetes. I did have the GD and also severe swelling in my whole body since about 4 months however despite all of this my doc seemed to take it all in stride. His attitude was "well women have been having babies for millions of years"

    FAst forward 3 years and yes my life has returned to normal though emotionally I will never be the same and I am a different person now in many ways. More cautious, suspicious and paranoid, get hurt more easily, more sensitive, less happy go lucky and not the Positive thinking person I used to be. Mentally my brain has been in a fog, anxiety spells, bad memory, etc.

    ON August 16 2006 I gave birth to my second son Owen Conor and he is now 16 months old. He is such a blessing and I am thankful for him every day. I never thought at the time of my loss that I would ever have another child. When I physically recovered from my ordeal which took about 3 months, I began to look toward my future and planning for my next child. We did a lot of research about what happened to me, spoke with specialist in a consult situation, moved to a bigger city to be near a hospital known for it's high risk prenatal specialists. I got some good health insurance, went off all my meds (anti-D and blood thinner) and we went for it. I got pregnant on the first try. WE found out 2 days before Patrick's first birthday/anniversary of his death. WE felt that Patrick had picked out his little brother for us and it was a very memorable time for us, a time of relief and once again for the first time, joy.

    My pregnancy was carefully monitored, I had 3 doctors, an OB and 2 specialists. It was a high anxiety pregnancy, a few times I thought I would go out of my mind. I had to give myself shots of heparin in the belly 2x a day the entire pregnancy. I had to have another C-section which I dreaded and cried through. But when I heard the loud strong cry of my new baby, and I knew he was alive, I was the happiest person in the world.

    I always try to do something special for Patrick every year on the internet but writing and posting somewhere about his story and my experiences and this year also offering condolences and hope to others who have lost their baby at any stage.

    IT is very lonely and painful thing to go through, even with support, you still feel alone, because in the end, as a mother, you feel it is your own body that failed and you feel helpless to do anything.

    But it does get better. For me going back to work was something I struggled with since I am a teacher and I thought being around kids was going to be hard. But it helped so much and was theraputic as far as getting me back into a routine and giving other things to focus on besides my own pathetic life. It brought me out of myself. I also focused on my health and tried to keep up all the good habits I had done while preg, such as eat right, take prenatals etc. I used visualization tecniques to focus on my next pregnancy. I spent much time over the first year seeking support. I talked about the baby and my situation with anyone who would listen, did support groups online and lots of message boards. WEnt to 2 support groups (not for me) Got a kitten (to bring some cheerful life into my house) moved, got a new job. My husband was an amazing source of support, he really held me together for awhile. My family and friends were beyond wonderful. REally made some positive changes, really kept up my health and excersise. REad a lot about grief and for awhile wrote to my baby every day ( I have stopped doing that) no time with a toddler underfoot!

    Sorry this is so long and thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read it. All of you mommys no matter what stage you were at when you lost your baby, suffered a loss that has effected your life. Know that there are others out there who understand and wish you healing and hope. It does and will get better and many blessings are on the way for us all
    __________________
    H2H

    Last edited by Hope2Heal; 01-11-2008 at 07:31 PM.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 01-12-2008, 08:42 AM   #2
    wen10
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    wen10's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Sep 2007
    Location: england
    Posts: 121
    wen10 HB User
    Re: In Memory of Patrick: Offering Hope

    Hello H2H and many thanks for your posting. I can't imagine how you must have felt from waking up to that awfully sad news. It has brought tears to my eyes reading that, though reading on tears of happiness too, as i am so pleased things have worked out for you and yes it does give others hope that one day it will work for them to. Im so very desperate to be a mummy, i just hope i get the chance one day. I've had seven early m/c now but think i am to start on heparin next month, so fingers crossed! Your posting is a lovely thing to do in memory for Patrick XXX.
    Thanks again for sharing your story with us.
    Best wishes and healing thoughts
    wenXXX.

    Last edited by wen10; 01-12-2008 at 08:44 AM.

     
    Old 01-12-2008, 05:49 PM   #3
    Hope2Heal
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2003
    Posts: 473
    Hope2Heal HB User
    Re: In Memory of Patrick: Offering Hope

    HI Wen

    Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry for your struggle and many dissapointing losses. Let me tell you I think heparin would have saved my first baby. It is like a miracle drug if you really need it. With my first baby, I had horrible swelling that was so bad I coulnd't use my hands to write, grasp etc, had carpal tunnel, went from a size 5.5- 9 shoe, gained 50 pounds. I think I may have had the blood clots start during the pregnancy but didn't get detected until after. With my second pregnancy, I began the heparin the week I found out I was preg. I had ZERO swelling, not even at the very end.

    I have heard heparin does amazing things for miscarriages too. My hematologist said there are many blood clotting disorders that don't even have tests developed yet. Any kind of blood clotting problems can cause complication and death in a fetus. And ironically pregnant women's blood clots more in prep for childbirth. IT has to do with hormones.

    Good luck with the heparin, I hope it is the miracle you have been waiting for!
    __________________
    H2H

     
    Old 01-18-2008, 08:14 AM   #4
    deeflynn
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    deeflynn's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2007
    Location: new york
    Posts: 21
    deeflynn HB User
    Re: In Memory of Patrick: Offering Hope

    Hi H2H,
    I do remember your posts as I scoured this website last year about this time. I'm so sorry for all that you went through and just glad that more time has passed for you. I wanted you to know that this also happened to a dear friend of mine about 8 years ago. She went on to have 2 adorable little girls and is leading a happy healthy life. She also went on heparin as they believed the blood clots 'caused decreased oxygen to her first born.

    I miscarried at 17 weeks last year Jan 31. It was very unexpected and I actually miscarried at home - it was a terrible experience. I never really took it well. I am fortunate to have 2 beautiful little boys who would have adored a little sister. We have tried since to get pg again but it hasn't happened yet. I am getting a little older so that may be the problem or I'm just a bit scared to have the same thing happen again?? Not sure.

    Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know that I think you must be a very strong person. Wishing you lots of future happiness!!

     
    Old 01-20-2008, 03:12 PM   #5
    lesleykev
    Member
    (female)
     
    lesleykev's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2006
    Location: uk
    Posts: 54
    lesleykev HB User
    Re: In Memory of Patrick: Offering Hope

    hi hope i havent been on these boards for quite some time so i dont know if u remember me at all i was in a quite close to your kind of situatation in 2005 after being sick everyday and various admitions to hospital at 36 weeks and 3 days me and my husband were taken to the hospital after i had been poorly all weekend and went into spontanioous labour on the monday morning ,
    only too be told our baby girl megan louise was already gone and they had found no hertbeat after a marathon 16 hours in labour our beautiful little girl was born.
    ted i had felt poorly all through the pregnancy
    she weighed 5 pounds 4ounces and had dark brown hair and lots of it she was tiny and so perfct i held her once and had pictures taken.

    about 3 tofour months later to our shock and suprise we found i was pregnant once again of course this struck fear into us both as it was feared by both of us that it would happen again.

    but with carefull planning and an elective c-section our little boy was born nathan mark weighing in at 5lbs 5ozs he was sooo beautiful and fragile and i was scared i was gonna break him he is now 19 mnths old and the light of our lives .

    sadly our story does not end happily as in april 07 we lost our third child stillbirth again this time it was slightly more complicated i was poorly all through the pregnancy uncontrollable sickness ,chest infections the works
    at 32 weeks i was rushed into hospital via ambulance to be left on my own for twenty minutes then when i was examined i was found to be 9cm dilated when they did a heart trace of the baby it was found his heartrate was falling
    but they let me go ahead with a natural delivery despite his heart rate and the fact he was clearly in distress .
    to the affect he passed away they tried to ressuscitate for msaybe a minute when they stopped i screamed carry on pls dont stop my request went unacknowledged and so we were face with yet another funeral for baby callum.

    which has left our lives once again in tatters its the first time since i have had the strength to face these boards thx for letting me rant .

    lesley

     
    Old 01-20-2008, 03:47 PM   #6
    abki168
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    abki168's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2008
    Location: Warwick, RI USA
    Posts: 12
    abki168 HB User
    Re: In Memory of Patrick: Offering Hope

    I am so sorry for all you have been through. What an amazing post that brought me to tears. I had two late miscarriages and know those days were pretty bleak. The pain and sadness seemed like it would never disappear. I also want to add some hope to anyone out there, since that is really what got me through my darkest days. Time does help heal your soul. Remember that your feelings are real and get as much support as you can through these boards, friends, family, and books. I wish no-one ever had to go through that pain. But trust me when I say your days WILL get brighter, you will never forget but you will be able to move forward one step at a time. Thanks again for the beautiful post, it brought me back to 3 years ago when I had my last miscarriage. I am now blessed with a beautiful 2 year old, so please never give up hope!

     
    Old 01-21-2008, 03:29 AM   #7
    Amy 333
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Amy 333's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2006
    Location: Europe
    Posts: 2,544
    Amy 333 HB User
    Re: In Memory of Patrick: Offering Hope

    I too am sorry for all the pain you have been through.
    I lost my little angel at 7 weeks back in 2006 and am now 34 weeks pregnant with a boy. I feel i am walking on a tight rope every day due to blood issues which i have. Drs warned me that i may never carry a healthy child full term. So i just can t wait to have my little one safely in my arms.
    My history makes me sensitive to such stories. I just can t imagine the pain you ve been through.
    I am glad that now you have now been blessed. I ll be adding Patrick to my list of prayers though i am sure that he s the one who is praying for all of us.

    Wen........i have been on heparin since i found out i was 3/4 weeks pregnant. The shots hurt and my tummy s black and blue though i feel that its a miracle shot for me and my little miracle. Hope that it will bring you your little miracle too. Feel free to ask any questions...would love to be of help.

    Amy

     
    Old 01-24-2008, 12:14 PM   #8
    Hope2Heal
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2003
    Posts: 473
    Hope2Heal HB User
    Re: In Memory of Patrick: Offering Hope

    Thank you so much everyone. . .

    Yes I think I remember you LesleyKev, so glad to hear about little Nathan and offer my deepest sympathies over the loss of Megan and Callum. I cannot believe you had to go through that again. One of the reasons I got my tubes tied after Owen was born was becuase of my fear of having to ever go through another loss and the toll 2 very difficult pregnancies had taken on me. It was a hard decision but in general I am glad to have done it. I know my limits and know I could never go through that again.

    ABK1 and Amy I am sorry for your losses as well and thank you for the support. It means a lot to me from everyone who read my post as I feel it helped to keep Patrick's memory alive 3 years later, as sometimes I feel him slipping into the background as our live son takes center stage.

    Also I am left with the question as to how to tell Owen about his brother? I feel very uncomfortable with this idea, though he has already pointed to Patricks shelf with ashes, stuffed animals and memorables saying "That?" I tell him Yes thats Patricks things! But as his language and understanding increase I wonder how other people have handled this situation?

    WE still hope to sprinkle the ashes somewhere someday but don't know what to do about that eaither
    __________________
    H2H

     
    Old 01-24-2008, 03:41 PM   #9
    lesleykev
    Member
    (female)
     
    lesleykev's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2006
    Location: uk
    Posts: 54
    lesleykev HB User
    Red face Re: In Memory of Patrick: Offering Hope

    thankyou for your kind words hope
    that is the same thing me and my dh will nave to tell our little boy nathan which is an idea so hard to comprehend the very idea of having to tell him makes me feel sick to my stomach.
    when things like this happen it makes us that much more gratefull for what we have.

    as for sprinkling patricks ashes i dont know maybe ypu could burriy them so you have somewhere for you and owen to go or maybe sprinkle them in a favourite place .

    i hope this helps
    take care
    lesley

     
    Old 02-06-2008, 02:00 PM   #10
    casscam
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    casscam's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2008
    Location: new haven, ky usa
    Posts: 17
    casscam HB User
    Re: In Memory of Patrick: Offering Hope

    I'm so sorry for your losses. My first daughter was stillborn in 1990 and I had another little girl in 1991 and it went fine. We waited over 11 years to have another baby because of the fear of losing another baby. We had a boy in 2003 but the whole pregnancy was hard because alot of the same things happened just like our first baby. So we had the fear all the time and if the baby didn't move very much that fear enters your mind. Things worked out ok so don't give up hope.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Any Recent Feedback RE; Dr Patrick Grossman in London macneil72 TMJ Disorder -TemporoMandibular Joint 7 10-15-2011 03:18 PM
    Long memory loss planktown Epilepsy 3 10-12-2007 01:57 AM
    Permanent Memory Loss tragedy176 General Health 11 06-16-2005 10:57 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:57 AM.





    © 2022 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!