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  • Obsessive About Brain Damage

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    Old 07-09-2017, 02:53 PM   #1
    Btriple7's Avatar
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    Btriple7 HB User
    Obsessive About Brain Damage

    Hi guys
    I was diagnosed with OCD about a year ago, but have endured its symptoms for much longer, and it has revolved around damaging my brain. I constantly have fears and thoughts that i slammed my head against something, that my hands (and the rest of my body) are contaminated with something toxic, i'm wearing clothes/merchandise that are dangerous (contaminated-mainly with lead) and/or that i ate something toxic-basically anything that relates to damaging or poisoning myself. I'm not afraid of dying- I'm afraid that i may have reduced my cognitive abilities, primarily by hitting my head or ingesting something dangerous (mainly the element lead).

    September 2016 i began taking zoloft, but out of OCD craziness i stopped cold turkey in January 2017 and did not restart till 4 months later when my psychiatrist had me restart in May.

    The month of June was a very tough period for me, OCD wise. I felt very depressed, cried often, constantly feared that i'm permanently changed because i cant tell if my thoughts of hitting my head or ingesting lead are merely imaginations or actual memories- because everytime i get caught up in my anxiety, i feel dumber, unfunny, and uglier. I pride myself on what i feel i have is a clever wit, friendly demeanor, and overall good personality, and i'm constantly scared that i'll lose all those attributes through damaging my own brain.

    There's a girl who really likes me, and this in a way is making me more depressed, because i want to feel happy around her, but i cant. It's not b/c of her- I like her back. I talk to her a lot, but sometimes im feeling depressed because of obsessions unrelated to her and the obsessions make me feel dumb and unfunny, so when i cant think of something intelligent or funny to say i feel very sad and only more afraid that my thoughts about damage to my brain may be true.

    everything i do can trigger obsessions. Toothpaste can be lead paint, sunscreen can be something with lead, i may have hit my head on a pole that i walked past (often times with a slamming head obsession i fear my skull has been flattened and i constantly worry that im uglier) chocolate chips are lead, shampoo is lead paint. I used to wash my hands like heck, but now soap is lead. I could literally be reading the soap label as im putting it on my hands and still get increasingly anxious that it's a bad substance. And if my brain is damaged it might affect the way i hold my face together. Maybe my faces drops (dk know if im describing it well but i think that when i feel focused/not distracted by OCD i look good).
    Absolutely anything and everything can trigger it, and that frustrates me and makes me feel very very sad. Even now as im typing this im afraid that the zoloft pill that i took earlier today is somehow a lead pill and now im not the same person/cant be the person i want to be (happy, funny, smart). I didnt have someone watch me take it so i find it hard to remember what i took. The more i try to remember what i took the more the thoughts about a "lead pill" intrude.
    Honestly words cant really describe OCD. Im writing this and wondering just how i can really believe myself-it's so weird and out there. i understand how odd it is, but this understanding doesnt help me . My thoughts still bring me down.

    Im 18 years old.

    Anyone else have a similar situation? I'd love to hear from ppl who see themselves in my description. And especially if you've received good help.

    Last edited by Btriple7; 07-09-2017 at 03:52 PM.

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    brain damage, depression, obssesive thoughts, ocd help, zoloft

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