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Believer7 02-06-2004 10:11 AM

Scary Obsessions
 
I'm new here, but I've been reading previous posts for the past couple of days to see if there is a possibility I have OCD. I was first diagnosed with depression a week before Christmas. I was lethargic, had no appetite, didn't care about doing anything but stay in bed. I have never been through anything like this before in my almost 25 years of life. I was immediately put on 10mg of Lexapro, and I've been on it since December 18th. My depression lifted within a couple of weeks, but now I'm having severe obsessive thoughts. During my depression I started thinking about my wife being hurt......very graphic things that would really raise my anxiety. Although these thoughts aren't as graphic now, I still have them every day. I'm also afraid of hurting other people occasionally, but it is mainly my wife. I'm always more anxious when I'm around her because I'm afraid I'm going to break her neck. That is my biggest repetitive thought at this time is the neck breaking. I'm still able to act "normal" around her, but I have a tremendous amount of anxiety when I am. I've had a great deal of problems watching the news lately because I dwell on things other people do like murder or kidnap someone. I start doing the "what if I did that" thing in my mind and I get more anxious. I'm not a violent person, and I don't want to do any of these things but I can't seem to get them out of my head. I have hoped to myself that I might get in a car accident and break my arms so that I don't hurt anyone. I've always been an anxious person and a worrier, but I've NEVER thought about harming anyone up until this point. My grandpa also had OCD and killed himself, and my brother has it as well. Thanks for any advice you can give me.

auntchilada 02-06-2004 11:56 AM

Re: Scary Obsessions
 
Hi,
Sorry to hear this. Unfortunetly, I completely understand how you are feeling. This is a very very common type of disturbing thought. It is helps at all, many people suffer from various disturbing thoughts. They are usually religious, sexual, or involve violence. I use to have disturbing thoughts before I got on medicine. I thought I was losing my mind. It was about stuff that I would never, ever, ever, do and it made me sick and my anxiety went through the roof. It also gave me panic attacks. Try to read up on obsessive thoughts. There is a book called The Imp of the Mind. I have heard it is really good. It's a difficult situation because the more you fear the thoughts, the stronger they become. So this might sound backwards, but the best thing to do is just accept the thoughts...accept the fact that they are ONLY thoughts, not you and not desires. It's just OCD. Also, have you thought about therapy?

Also, you said this:

"I've had a great deal of problems watching the news lately because I dwell on things other people do like murder or kidnap someone. I start doing the "what if I did that" thing in my mind and I get more anxious. I'm not a violent person, and I don't want to do any of these things but I can't seem to get them out of my head."

This was exactly how I was! Every time I would see something on the news, I would worry "what if did that and don't remember or do that or starting obsessing about doing it" I was so afraid I was going to go crazy. You are not alone, or crazy. If you were crazy or evil, you would enjoy and welcome the thoughts of killing your wife.

Believer7 02-06-2004 12:00 PM

Re: Scary Obsessions
 
Thanks a lot for the response! I'm actually reading a book called "Brain Lock" that is about OCD. I haven't gotten very far, but it seems like a good book. I have an appointment to meet with a Pshychiatrist on the 1st of March. I saw one back in December in the emergency room because I was suicidal and I was so afraid I was going to hurt someone. As bad as I am now I'm so much better than I was then. That was when I had depression and OCD. Hopefully God, the therapy and medication will put me on the road to recovery! Have a great weekend!

Rsspro18 02-06-2004 01:15 PM

Re: Scary Obsessions
 
There is so much that can be done now to help ease OCD symptoms. I also get the whole morbid thoughts thing and worry about hurting people. It used to focus maninly around the people closest to me, like my girlfriend and my mom. I did a lot of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and some Exposure and Response Prevention. It's tough stuff sometimes, but it works, trust me. I became basically symptom free for 2 years without any medicaiton. I also have Panic Disorder as well. Right now I am currently struggling a bit more, I had a relapse and am working with some of the same things to get back to where I was, I'm also considering trying an SSRI, I was prescribed Paxil CR 12.5mgs. Of course I'm aprehensive about taking it, actually I'm more concerned and side effects and the idea taking it makes me worry about "losing control" to some drug even though I know that isn't true. Also, considering my past success without medication I always question whether I need it. However it has been rough and I'm going to probably try it this weekend and attempt to use it as only 1 piece to the overall treatment, and maybe a bit of a boost to my therapy by reducing my overall anxiety and obsessions a bit, and possibly motivating me more. The rest of the overall treatment will focus on my CBT and ERP work, and exercising, eating right and trying to follow a positive routine on a daily basis. Basically I'll just take the medication but try to do the work myself instead of expecting too much from the medication. Well, back to you, I just wanted to let you know that the thoughts you have are very common OCD thoughts and doubts. They are obsessions. Recognizing them as obsessions and just thoughts that they are not what you really feel, and not what you really want to happen, and the obsessions don't increase the likelyhood of them happening or make them any more real helps. They're just thoughts and obsessions, that's it. If you think of it like that it might make it a bit easier and if you can look for a therapist trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Exposure and Response Prevention. If done right they are great for OCD and Panic. Many obsessions are very scary, actually most are, but they are just thoughts and there are things that can be done throught good therapy to help lessen your fear of them and have them bother you less. I speak from personal experience.

Believer7 02-06-2004 01:24 PM

Re: Scary Obsessions
 
Did you ever feel like you would act on any of these thoughts? One of my biggest fears is that my thoughts will take over and I will act on one of them. That is why I'm scared to be around my wife too much because she might be in danger. I'm much less worried while I'm at work because I don't think about hurting anyone here. I have been dreading the weekends much more.......not because I don't enjoy being with my wife, but because I'm afraid to be around her. I tell her all the time too watch me and not let me hurt her. I would much rather have the obsession of hurting myself than hurting her. That is why I went to the emergency room a couple of months ago because I was afraid I would hurt someone. Thanks for the advice!

Duner 02-06-2004 03:12 PM

Re: Scary Obsessions
 
I went through somthing very similar to you.
I had horrible thoughts about my daughters. It got soooo bad that I hospitalized myself because I was so scared I would act on my thoughts.
Well I never did!!! They were just very strong thoughts but not what I wanted to do. Its been almost 4 years since the onset of those thoughts and I'm much better. I did have meds and therapy and it helped.I have even went on to have another baby.
I do still have thoughts every so often. They are very managable at this point. I'm also not on any meds anymore.
I tell you this so that you know it gets better. These thoughts wont always be this strong.
You are a good man to have gotten yourself help like this.
Hang in there!!! I'm here if you need to talk!!

Duner

mike55 02-06-2004 04:31 PM

Re: Scary Obsessions
 
Yes what your telling me is so OCD textbook! It is more bothersome around people you love, because that's just it. OCD will only effect your vulnerabilty.
I have the same exact thing you have and I know it will never happen because OCD "CANNOT GO AGAINST YOUR WILL" that's the secret!!! It's not you. If it were you, you would have gone through with it already. Believe me, it feels so real, but that's the illusion od OCD. It's just a bully who will make itself at home if you continue to fear it. I have been without medication now for 8 months. I just prefer to be without it because it seemed to make me worse. But that's me, and you should do what's best for you. You'll see, you'll have your goods days as well and when or if the OCD returns, remember that's it's just temporary...
Good Luck
Mike

Believer7 02-09-2004 10:43 AM

Re: Scary Obsessions
 
Those of you that have gone through this, do you ever picture yourself in prison for commiting a crime you are thinking about? I sometimes think to myself "You better enjoy this now, because if you do something stupid you won't be able to do this in prison." That seems to bother me now as well. Although my thoughts don't seem to be as bad as they were, they are still very annoying. I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist on March 1st, so hopefully they will be able to help.

mike55 02-09-2004 12:22 PM

Re: Scary Obsessions
 
I think i could speak for everyone who goes through this. We've probably pictured it all...

girl_up_town 02-09-2004 05:47 PM

Re: Scary Obsessions
 
Yes, I have exactly the same thing, and its horrible. The thing about OCD is, is that it always manages to convince you that you're the only one at the time feeling that way, its strange, but so unpleasant. It makes you feel so isolated, but remember you're not, every waking minute you can be rest assured we know how you feel!, if not going through it ourselves!

Take care
girl_up_town


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