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    Old 04-15-2004, 10:26 PM   #1
    guess
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    Question boyfriend has OCD

    hi,
    me and my boyfriend have been together for about 9 months now. He has been diagnosed with OCD and obsesses about my past boyfriends and what i have done with them. i have already told him everything he needs to know and he still doesnt believe me. at times he gets depressed over it becuase he just cant stop thinking about it and there is nothing really that i can do but reassure him that i am telling him the truth. i know he is trying really hard to get over it and seeks help from other people that are in the same situation. is there anything else that i can do to make him feel better and to help lessen his depression?? i just dont want this to get in the way of our relationship and it has alreay taken its toll at some points. please help me with some advice on what to do. it would be really appreciated. thank you.

     
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    Old 04-16-2004, 02:21 AM   #2
    Calv1502004
     
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    Re: boyfriend has OCD

    Ok, first of all if your boyfriend has been diagnosed with OCD then he should be in therapy and possibly on medication, is he doing either or both of these things? If in therapy what sort of treatment is he getting? Also it is important for him and you to be very informed on OCD itself, try to get hold of some books, check out websites such as [url]www.ocdonline.com[/url] and learn everything you can about the disorder! This may help him and you to realise just what he is experiencing and how to help out. When your boyfriend speaks to you about your past boyfriends he is actually performing a compulsion... thats part of his disorder, the compulsion is the need for reassurance. This WILL provide him relief, but it is temporary so he has to do it again.. and again.. and again! As you may have experienced, by doing this compulsion he is actually feeding the OCD. This is going to sound REALLY horrible but what an OCD specialist would tell you to do is REFUSE to answer the question. Your boyfriend will never be satisfied while his compulsions are being met, he needs to try to learn to live with the anxiety and when he does it WILL decrease. If he is not in therapy try to get him into therapy ASAP if he's not taking meds I for one would say they can be really useful but I understand some people don't want to take them! Try to be supportive but where possible try not to feed his compulsions, I know this is really difficult but I did the same thing to my girl friend and it got to the point where I relyed on her and people on this message board for reassurance, there was no way I could improve while doing that, I needed the medication to be able to improve but for your boyfriend it may be different. If you need anymore advice or are unclear on anythin ive said just post again! Good luck!

    Calv

     
    Old 04-16-2004, 06:29 AM   #3
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    Re: boyfriend has OCD

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Calv1502004
    When your boyfriend speaks to you about your past boyfriends he is actually performing a compulsion... thats part of his disorder, the compulsion is the need for reassurance. This WILL provide him relief, but it is temporary so he has to do it again.. and again.. and again! As you may have experienced, by doing this compulsion he is actually feeding the OCD. This is going to sound REALLY horrible but what an OCD specialist would tell you to do is REFUSE to answer the question. Your boyfriend will never be satisfied while his compulsions are being met, he needs to try to learn to live with the anxiety and when he does it WILL decrease.

    Calv
    I completely agree! By reassuring him and answering his questions, you are only feeding into his anxiety. I know it doesn't make sense, but it's true. Now matter what you tell him or how many times you tell it, he will never be satisfied.

     
    Old 04-16-2004, 11:05 PM   #4
    guess
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    Re: boyfriend has OCD

    actually...he had both a therapist and medication but this just seemed to make him worse and more depressed. I know he took Paxil but i'm not too sure if that was for his OCD or for his depression, im not too sure. Anyhow, he told me that he got off the meds because he said it just made him feel worse and tired all the time. And he had way more anxiety attacks while he was on it. so right now hes not taking anything for it. I will try to convince him to go back to his therapist but i doubt he will listen to me. Ive tried refusing to answer him a couple of times because i just got tired of saying the same thing over and over again. But most of the time i just tell him. Regarding the research and everything this is the only place that i've come to find some answers so far. I'll try your advice about not feeding his OCD by answering him, like you said it wont be easy but its the only good advice ive gotten so far. thanks for your advice and hopefully things will get better. thank you. i'll keep this board updated about the results. thanks again for your help Calv. and i hope things are going well with you and your girlfriend.

    Last edited by guess; 04-16-2004 at 11:14 PM.

     
    Old 04-17-2004, 01:38 AM   #5
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    Re: boyfriend has OCD

    How long was he on the medication for? It is normlly a GOOD sign that the medication will be effective if it makes the thoughts worse at first, it can take up to about 3 months before the medication becomes effective, therapy is designed to make you confront your fears, an expert on OCD says that it is designed to make you spike (thats have the thoughts hit you) more but ruminate (think, get anxious, worry) less, this again takes time, there is no cure only management, the average time needed in therapy is between 6months and 1year. My favourite comment I heard from a specialist was 'if you want to think about it less, think about it more!' Your boyfriend should not be trying to stop these thoughts as such because with OCD that is IMPOSSIBLE and will simply make them worse! He needs to try and get to a 'so what if im thinking about this, doesn't mean there is a problem!' sort of attitude. That is the problem with OCD it makes you doubt EVERYTHING and then because your thinking about it you think there is a problem... or its true! In truth your past relationships are irrelevant to the relatonship you and him are in and im sure that is how you feel but try to remember with OCD what he's thinking about isn't actually the problem. It could be absolutely anything! I for one doubt my sexuality with no evidence to do so! Other people doubt whether they are alive or whether they are going to harm people!! If the thoughts cause anxiety... then they are OCD and are not real! When things get tough remember that it is not your boyfriend saying/doing these things it is the OCD! Keep us updated!

    Calv

     
    Old 04-18-2004, 11:27 PM   #6
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    Re: boyfriend has OCD

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Calv1502004
    How long was he on the medication for? It is normlly a GOOD sign that the medication will be effective if it makes the thoughts worse at first, it can take up to about 3 months before the medication becomes effective, therapy is designed to make you confront your fears, an expert on OCD says that it is designed to make you spike (thats have the thoughts hit you) more but ruminate (think, get anxious, worry) less, this again takes time, there is no cure only management, the average time needed in therapy is between 6months and 1year. My favourite comment I heard from a specialist was 'if you want to think about it less, think about it more!' Your boyfriend should not be trying to stop these thoughts as such because with OCD that is IMPOSSIBLE and will simply make them worse! He needs to try and get to a 'so what if im thinking about this, doesn't mean there is a problem!' sort of attitude. That is the problem with OCD it makes you doubt EVERYTHING and then because your thinking about it you think there is a problem... or its true! In truth your past relationships are irrelevant to the relatonship you and him are in and im sure that is how you feel but try to remember with OCD what he's thinking about isn't actually the problem. It could be absolutely anything! I for one doubt my sexuality with no evidence to do so! Other people doubt whether they are alive or whether they are going to harm people!! If the thoughts cause anxiety... then they are OCD and are not real! When things get tough remember that it is not your boyfriend saying/doing these things it is the OCD! Keep us updated!

    Calv
    He was on it for about 6 months...but that was roughly 2 years ago. So i'm guessing if he stayed on it a little bit longer then maybe things woiuld have gotten better. I tried talking to him last night and we ended up braking up, and it was me that broke it off. I'll explain. See the thing is we have been friends for about 6 years before we ended up going out. During these 6 years he treated me as a "little sister". He was so overprotective of me that i lied about my boyfriends and never told him about my past. I mean, as a friend back then i never really felt the need to tell him these things. But when we ended up going out, i had to tell him. He told me that he felt that he had failed protecting me, and that it kills him; especially now that he is my boyfriend thinking that I have gone out with 2 other guys before him. So the reason why i broke up with him is because I asked him, "what if we ended up going back to being friends again...would that help you not think about my past as much?" and he said yes. So we decided to break it off. He feels that not being my boyfriend is much easier on him because he doesnt have to worry as much about my past. Although he still feels that he has failed pretecting me.( i dont why...because I was still a virgin until I went out with him. And his girlfriend before me lost hers to another guy and this gave him depression for 2 years while seeing her. So when we ended up going out i thought that me being a virgin and has not even done much with other bf's would make him happy and proud...i was wrong.Although he does say that he prizes my virginity very much) But dont worry we talked again the next day and I asked him if he had thoughts about it now that we broke up and he said he didn't think about it as much and it doesn't really bother him anymore. Then i asked him if he was happier...and he said no. I then asked him if he would be happier being with me again and he said that not being with me kills him way more than just being my friend and not having these thoughts. So he is now willing to try and get over this. I know the thoughts are still going to be there but he's trying not to care about these thoughts anymore. I let him read your reply and i think that made him feel better, hopefully. So right now we are back together and trying to work things out...so far he hasnt asked me about my past, and i'm hoping it will stay that way. thanks a lot for your help and i will keep u updated. thnks!

     
    Old 04-19-2004, 11:20 AM   #7
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    Re: boyfriend has OCD

    I am glad to hear that you are back together, you sound like you mean a lot to each other! If the medication was not working in six months it may be best for him to try a different form of medication, it is not known why but some medications work for some people and others do not! I may be wrong here but I believe that POSSIBLY your boyfriends OCD is there to attack your relationship, it is doing this by making him very jealous of the past but he should possibly be ready for OCD to strike your relationship in other ways when he manages to get over your past. He is doing the right thing tryin to not worry about the thoughts, the key to succeeding is simply letting the thoughts go through your mind, not trying to force them to go away. It is often suggested that people set a time each day where they deliberately think about the thoughts for 30mins-1hr or maybe longer! I haven't had any experience of this but I have read stories where it has been effective. OCD is ALWAYS about what we most fear. If his OCD is attacking him about you in some ways you should take comfort in it! It means that you mean more to him than anything! But I know it is horrific for you aswell as him! Try to be strong and remember the actual thought is not what your boyfriend has to try to get through, he needs to learn to live with OCD. It can and possibly will manifest itself in lots of other ways but he can and will get through it!

    Calv

     
    Old 04-20-2004, 05:31 PM   #8
    guess
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    Re: boyfriend has OCD

    yeah, he really means a lot to me.I cant imagine my life without him in it. Thanks for all your advice once again, it has really helped the both of us in many ways. Hopefully we will manage to work things out everytime his OCD starts acting up again. Things have been good lately...there have been some questions that he has been asking me but i managed to say..."no,im not answering anymore" So right now all i have to do is try to be there for him. so i will for sure keep u updated just in case something else comes up. thanks.

     
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