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Old 07-27-2004, 05:49 PM   #1
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 73
flossie22 HB User
back again full force

hi guys, as some of you know, i experience relationship ocd bigtime. i am with a wonderful guy, and somehow i am always doubting that i love him. i have no idea why. i think its because i feel the lack of passion? i dont know. theres nothing to doubt, but it affects our relationship. i dont want to write it all out but ive been here for a while so its on past posts. anyway, its just so hard sometimes. lately i have also been thinking about a past guy in my life who i had a lot of passion for, but who treated me not so nice. he had issues himself and he told me once that he never got serious with me because he saw me as someonehe could get serious with, but he was too messed up to do it and he knew that one day i would be gone and happy with someone else. this guy had MAJOR problems with commitment and committing /cheating etc. i have been wondering lately that now that i am with annother person, i am wondering about that situation. and i don tknow why, becase its not that the relationship brought me a lot of fullfillment, it was just a lot of drama and passion. this one is very stable and understanding. i dont get it. i just want to feel better and feel passionate about my bf how i once did before all this crap started. please any thoughts.

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Old 07-28-2004, 03:48 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168
kingam HB User
Re: back again full force

i recently broke up with my ex... for a while, the OCD confused me... i wasnt sure if i loved her... well, ok.. i DIDNT love her anymore, but because of OCD i kept saying "yes you do... youre wrong.. youre always wrong, youre lucky she will even stay with you"... kind of the reverse... i stayed very unhappy for a very long time, and i finally made the move to get out of it...

on top of that, since march, ive been experiencing homophobic obsessive compulsive, so i was also thinking "well, if you break up with her, youre gay... cause shes beautiful"... well.. she is beautiful, but ya know what, feelings change... i didnt love her... i wasnt attracted to her, and thats ok... some other girl will be all the things i need... so why did i develop hocd? because her, being the controlling woman she is, if i was super friendly in public she would say things like, "that was weird... you sounded gay... blah blah blah"... made me question how i acted... even though i was always secure in myself, it planted that seed of doubt... and thats what OCD is... doubt.

of course this is only loosely related to your story, but it goes to show you, OCD comes in many forms... i tricked myself into trying to be happy for too long... since we broke up, i feel as though a weight is off my chest... she was one of those "do this and ill be happy... oh ok, you did that? now do THIS!"... very destructive and she pushed me to the point of insanity.

Old 07-29-2004, 12:26 AM   #3
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 0
Spiker312 HB User
Re: back again full force

kingam, im currently on a break with my ex and im really debating whether or not i should try and get back together with her, or should i move on, im finding similarities between me and my ex gf and u and ur ex but i dunno if this is ocd or legitimacy, i really dont, i really hope its ocd because she's the only thing that's ever made me truly happy, can u be specific in the things u did to make her happy?

Old 07-29-2004, 02:11 AM   #4
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 0
zec HB User
Re: back again full force

i feel the same. it is so ... i don't know what to say. I also can not answer the question what love is. I don't know what love is!!!
I worry all the time that I don*t love my b/f.
I worry and worry. And think: you are with him only because you WANT to love him.
It makes me ill!
You know this flossie?
I am afraid all the time, that I maybe DONT love him!

Old 07-29-2004, 08:16 AM   #5
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168
kingam HB User
Re: back again full force

honestly, it was just a gut feeling that things werent right anymore... for a while i stayed with her because i questioned everything... is this real.. is that real.. is that just stress?

on top of that, my whole life i sorta tried to run away from things, so was i doing that?!

after a while though you just get a feeling... her and i werent meant to be... im 27, if i cant see myself marrying a girl, its not worth staying in...

with OCD, we over-think... the feeling i had was instinctual... we fought, we didnt have sex anymore (which fed my hocd as well, "oh my god, am i not attracted to her?! or women?!" lol. so silly), it was a mess...

problem is, with low selfesteem due to OCD, and everything else, i wrote everythying off as my fault... everything was smoething i had to "work on"...

it didnt help she would use my anxiety and OCD against me in fights... that was always fun. lol.

i didnt answer your question directly, but my point is, try to step back and think of it as instictual... not as a riddle to figure out...

with ocd, youll never find an answer...

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