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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

I ruined the one good thing that happened to me

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Old 09-27-2004, 08:33 PM   #1
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 11
shakenbake2004 HB User
I ruined the one good thing that happened to me

before i go into my problem i just want to start off by saying i'm an obsessive person. Ever since i was a kid i used to dwell on things and unwanted thoughts would be flowing through my head all the time. Its probably the main reason i became a hypocondriac . Anyways, its as though my mind wont ever let me feel truely happy. When i met up with my girlfriend a year ago it changed...i cared about her and looked forward to seeing her all the time, life was good. I finally met someone i cared about and it seemed that things were heading in the right direction. A few months ago everything changed...the unwanted thoughts returned and it affected all aspects of my life. I was awkward around friends because i had become so aware...whenever i was in a situation where my friends were joking and laughing my mind processed this and told me that in order to be in the moment i had to joke and be laid back as well...i tried to force it and you know when you TRY to have fun you cant because you just need to let it happen instead of forcing it. The same thing happened with my family i found it harder and harder to care about our daily discussions, we would mind would process it and tell me that i needed to be interesting and engaging in order to belong and the more i tried the harder it got. Eventually this caught up with my girlfriend and i. One day when we hugged i didnt feel anything instead i felt the urge to feel something. I hugged her and my mind was telling me at this point she's caressing you, you have to feel warmth and love to be in the moment. The harder i tried the worse it got. It seems like i can't live in the moment anymore. I cant enjoy anything because im so aware of everything. I get bored and cant focus on discussions with anyone because my awareness kicks in and while the other person is talking, my mind is trying to figure out the next engaging thing to say...this makes it impossible to create genuine dialogue for me now.

I broke up with my girlfriend a few days ago and she's devasted because she cant understand whats wrong me and truth be told neither can i. She was sobbing when i told her and i couldnt feel a thing because at that moment my mind was telling me i needed to feel sadness, that i needed to feel terrible because my girlfriend was so hurt and so i tried to create the emotion instead of letting it happen. But the worst part of this is that i feel it all when she leaves...when everyone leaves. After i broke it off i cried for days i felt sick to my stomach and missed her terribly. But when i see her again the awareness comes back.Whats wrong with me? Has anyone ever heard of something like this? I would really like to get help maybe i can salvage my relationship if i can make this problem go away.

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Old 09-28-2004, 03:34 AM   #2
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: england
Posts: 56
eyelinerfairy HB User
Re: I ruined the one good thing that happened to me

hmm well, i dont know if this at all related, but its all i can think of to help you.
ive been with my boyfriend for 3 years. for the first year or so it was really kind of new, exactly like you were describing, couldnt wait to be with him etc. i am led to believe that after a certain amount of time, the 'newness' kind of of a relationship dies down, and as one person put it, the lust stage moves into companionship. this happened for me and my bf, and its just different now. its still great, i love him to bits still, but i dont feel the same as i did in the first year or so. its like you said, when you hugged, you didnt feel anything-i do get that, but i think its just that that stage of the relationship has been, i dont think any relationship can stay in that stage forever.
i did go through a stage of doubting whether i did still love him or not because it just felt so diferent, but i do still love him as much as the day i met him, its just expressed differently to me now.

well...big apologies if ive made no sense and babbled on about something totaly unrelated, but i hope you soort it out. you sound like you still want to be with her, and she clearly wants to be with you, why dont you give it another go? take care!

*edited for typos

Last edited by eyelinerfairy; 09-28-2004 at 03:37 AM.

Old 09-28-2004, 09:52 AM   #3
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 73
flossie22 HB User
Re: I ruined the one good thing that happened to me

hey there, check out my post on love not love. i think it will help you out. take care.

Old 09-29-2004, 09:50 AM   #4
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shakenbake2004 HB User
Re: I ruined the one good thing that happened to me

ya i haven't been feeling too much now. I go about my day and i dont think about her too often but since our break i've been having anxiety/panic attacks alot.

Old 10-01-2004, 05:07 PM   #5
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 273
simplyj HB User
Re: I ruined the one good thing that happened to me


I think I can relate in some way to what you've described. I sometimes experience a feeling of "mechanical emotions" because I want to make sure that my responses and reactions are correct (if that makes sense). For instance, about a year ago, a friend of mine was telling me about the passing of her father. While she was talking to me, in my mind I was thinking "look sad", "your eyes should be watery", "make sure you extend your condolences", "don't move your lips becuase she might think you're smiling instead of showing concern" etc...It wasn't that I didn't "feel" bad that she lost her father, it was just that I kept thinking about what my expressions should be, what my face should look like and what words I should say. Instead of the conversation being natural, it felt forced and I felt like a phoney even though I really did feel bad for her and her family. I'm not sure thats the same as what you are going through but it sounds similar. It's like we think so much and are inside our own heads so much that the spontaneous responses that are normal become controlled to the point that they don't feel real. I hope that it subsides for you and that you are able to mend your relationship since it sounds like you both want to be with one another. Don't allow the OCD to take away a relationship that matters.
All the best,

Old 10-06-2004, 06:58 PM   #6
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 0
Cozimafighter HB User
Re: I ruined the one good thing that happened to me

shaken bake not sure if your male/female this is your OCD , i went through EXACTLY THE SAME THING, are you my clone ? frank 168 and flossie also went throught it too, it's the same thing as you ! it was a living nightmare, i thought i didn't love her , everything seemed to bother me and it still does slightly but i'm working on it don't blame your gf , my girlfirend balled her eyes out twice , it's the hardest thing to have to see but i'f i'm going to give you one bit of advice it's this GET BACK WITH HIM/HER!!!! but first let him/her know you have ocd , and That's the reason you feel like this - believe me it's not your real thoughts these are ocd thoughts ! i did the exact same thing with my gf and we're back together , i did it twice ! until you get professional help , and by that i mean A PSYCHOLOGIST who knows about OCD , you won't be able to do much on your own unless your real dedicated and help yourself seperate your ocd thoughts / lies away - YOUR IN LOVE WITH THIS GIRL/GUY! and so am i ! we just need convincing coz we have the doubters disease ! let her know you have ocd, and mate for you sake GET BACK WITH HER/HIM - be careful of the advice you get from anyone other than a psychologist specialising in ocd especially from your parents/mates

check out this website -

read - frank 168 's story on this site you'll have to search it

also scrape every penny you have look for an ocd psychologist in your country and book an appointment .

if you leave this person it could be the biggest mistake of your life and the problem won't go away .. remember i had and have the same thing - my psychologist sees 15 people are year who describe your story perfectly and even worse ! cheers

Old 10-20-2004, 11:46 PM   #7
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disastermgmt HB User
Smile Re: I ruined the one good thing that happened to me

I sometimes go through a milder version of what you are facing. It seems to be a mixture of depression and some form of hyper-awareness. In addition, different people have different ways of showing emotion. Back when I was first diagnosed with depression, I tended to cry a lot. 3+ years later, I find that I don't cry as's more of a sulking or darkened state of mind. I know that I "should" cry, but I rarely do. I feel very down, but not the kind of down that results in tears. Depression can make you lost interest in almost any aspect of your life, including family, friends, significant others, etc. My depression, although being fought with Lexapro, still nags at me quite a bit. I would rather "just be" than be happy or motivated.

I myself have ruined some really good things in my life, but looking back I realize I can't put all the blame on myself...the health psychology (or whatever they call it) was a big factor. Whether caused by environmental factors, ill-balanced seratonin levels, or what-not...body chemistry is a very delicate thing. You've made it this far man, which is excellent progress.

Old 10-21-2004, 06:43 AM   #8
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Posts: 725
LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: I ruined the one good thing that happened to me

Hey! I'm wondering if this situation is similar to what my boyfriend went through with me a couple times. If so, I believe I can be of help by shedding light on what SHE may be feeling.
My boyfriend and I hit it off SO well, right from the start. We were 100% comfortable with each other and things were so great. After awhile, he would start distancing himself. Things at work weren't so great and he would barely talk to me about it. He needed alone time quite often, which was fine with me because I need my alone time as well! But after awhile I started to become concerned. He wasn't enjoying anything anymore. It did seem like he was forcing it. Well as soon as I said something about this bothering me, he told me we need to take time apart. I was upset, but I knew it was for the best. He, on the other hand, was a wreck. Calling me all day, leaving work early so he could get to my work before I left, crying, looking like hell. We were back together in 2 days. But it happened again. This time I refused to speak to him for an entire week- I wasn't going to let him do this to me again. But in talking to a close friend who suffers from OCD and anxiety, I began to realize that maybe he has a problem and maybe he needs my help. When I finally spoke to him again, he was the same sorry soul he was last time we "broke up". We talked and talked and he admitted that "something" was wrong with him. He wasn't sure what, and couldn't understand it. We worked through things and I told him I wasn't going to abandon him. I would stick by him until he's better.
Anyway, this was 2 months ago. He's been seeing a counselor on a bi-weekly basis and things have improved VERY much. Who knows if it will happen again. It's frustrating and it takes a girl with a lot of strength to stand by someone in this situation. The easy way out is if she forgets about you. The best thing she can do is tell you she's in it with you for the long run... if you let her. You have to let her in, let her help you.
Sorry so long... I condensed it very much!

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