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    Old 03-29-2005, 02:30 PM   #151
    digmusic
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    Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

    Hi,
    I have talked to him about this - in fact we have so many discussions about it we've pretty much dug it into the ground. I went to a psychiatrist and he gave me prozac and said if I don't have OCD I at least have obsessive thoughts constantly. The thing is I highly doubt he would actually cheat on me - I found porn on his computer, it was all this porn of Asian women. He denied it was his and said one of his friends must have done it. It's so obvious he's lying, but he won't admit it. Should I be mad at him for lying, is this something that comes in patterns? I know it also has to do with my low self-esteem - and it seems he is really obsessed with dark women from other cultures - I am blonde and pale and light eyed. I just wonder what he's doing with me. I don't see how guys can love someone but then look at that stuff? It's like completely the opposite of love to me. Ron you said if he is coming home with me and not saying anyone else's name then I shouldn't be worried. But that's why I'm here - things do worry me even if they seem small to the average person. They worry me to the point where they drive me crazy. You are probably wondering if my fears are validated - all I can say is that he is a good guy, I doubt he'd cheat, but I know he lies to me sometimes. One further note is that he has epilepsy, which adds so much strain to this - I feel bad nagging him when he has more important things to worry about like his own health, but then I just hold it all in and explode. His medicine also makes him have spurts of anger and we have these arguments and he punches holes in the walls and stuff...what a mess.

     
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    Old 03-29-2005, 03:59 PM   #152
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    Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

    [QUOTE=digmusic]Hi,
    I have talked to him about this - in fact we have so many discussions about it we've pretty much dug it into the ground. I went to a psychiatrist and he gave me prozac and said if I don't have OCD I at least have obsessive thoughts constantly. The thing is I highly doubt he would actually cheat on me - I found porn on his computer, it was all this porn of Asian women. He denied it was his and said one of his friends must have done it. It's so obvious he's lying, but he won't admit it.
    ***You seem to look at porn as competition.. Men look at porn as dogs look at trees. We use it and then throw it away. It can be easier to have control
    of ones' own hand instead of trying to satisfy somone who makes us feel
    like a looser. It is all a matter of control. He is just marking his territory and
    you are going around trying to wash off the urine smell.
    If you have not seen a sex counsellor, it might be time.
    You both need to understand eachother better***

    Should I be mad at him for lying, is this something that comes in patterns? I know it also has to do with my low self-esteem - and it seems he is really obsessed with dark women from other cultures - I am blonde and pale and light eyed.
    ***I would worry more if he was interested in blondes. That might indicate that he wanted you to be more like them. Of course, you could always
    dress up like Shirley Maclean in "The Geisha" That would rock his socks.
    You would probably enjoy it too. ***

    I just wonder what he's doing with me. I don't see how guys can love someone but then look at that stuff? It's like completely the opposite of love to me.
    ***Men look at computer sex as a pastime.. Women look at sex and think "love". Men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love.
    Don't try to understand it..... Just accept it. ***


    Ron you said if he is coming home with me and not saying anyone else's name then I shouldn't be worried. But that's why I'm here - things do worry me even if they seem small to the average person.
    ***You are stoking your own fears with what you write. It is no different than if you were afraid to go out shopping because you thought that some pervert was going to attack you. You have to accept that as a human there are risks and you will survive most of them.
    If you obsess with what you fear, how can you bethe mate he deserves?***

    They worry me to the point where they drive me crazy.
    ***You can not change what you fear, but you CAN change how you react to your fears. If you were afraid of a Boogie man in the closet, would you refuse to go in to get your clothes in the morning. No, but you might turn on the light before you went in... I do too.... What I am saying is it is time for you to repaint your closet and stop worrying.***

    You are probably wondering if my fears are validated - all I can say is that he is a good guy, I doubt he'd cheat, but I know he lies to me sometimes.
    ***He lies to you because he knows how you will react if he tells the truth.
    I would lie to you too. If you persist, you will loose him to someone who
    is glad to have him around and smiles instead of nagging and dumping. ***

    One further note is that he has epilepsy, which adds so much strain to this - I feel bad nagging him when he has more important things to worry about like his own health, but then I just hold it all in and explode. His medicine also makes him have spurts of anger and we have these arguments and he punches holes in the walls and stuff...what a mess.
    ***He needs to go to the gym to use the heavy bag. You need to support him too. He is not your mother and should not have to listen to you constanlty venting. You need a girlfriend to listen to all that. Men want to fix what you are complaining about... How can he "fix" what is in your head?***

    Ron

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 06:04 PM   #153
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    Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

    Conditional love will never bring you peace. Find your dreams.

     
    Old 03-29-2005, 07:00 PM   #154
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    Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

    I think i agree with Levi; that is, if I am understanding correctly. I agree that we cannot just "settle" for the fact that 'men are men' and 'chicks are chicks". Yes, of course we are very different creatures, but when it comes to HURT, there is no excuse. None.

     
    Old 03-31-2005, 07:51 AM   #155
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    Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

    Ron I understand the majority of what you wrote to be true, except I'm not sure guys give love to get sex. I think its a very vital thing for them obviously, but I don't think love is the means of achieving that goal. I think a man's desire to be loved is just as strong as a woman's regardless of the sex involved. I think the difference is the NEED a man has for sex, while a woman uses it more to express herself.

     
    Old 03-31-2005, 09:16 AM   #156
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    Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by digmusic
    Ron I understand the majority of what you wrote to be true, except I'm not sure guys give love to get sex. I think its a very vital thing for them obviously, but I don't think love is the means of achieving that goal. I think a man's desire to be loved is just as strong as a woman's regardless of the sex involved. I think the difference is the NEED a man has for sex, while a woman uses it more to express herself.
    Hi Dig,

    Maybe I over simplified it, but what you say is true. Give a man a great meal, and you will see how much he thinks that he is is loved. (It reminds him of the love he received from his mother.)

    Ron

     
    Old 04-01-2005, 07:39 PM   #157
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    Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

    Ron, this might just be my opinion here , but I don't think it's healthy to allow a man expect the same behaviour from his wife that he received from his MOTHER. If a male is too junvenile to understand that he needs to take care of himself and his wife (and vice versa) in a SPOUSAL way, then I believe he needs help. Again, it seems as though we females are put in the position where we are constantly told, "make him feel loved"..."make him feel secure"....."don't nag him"...."don't show your jealousy" etc etc etc.
    I am continually asking why SOME people back-up this mode of thinking.
    How come those same people are not EQUALIZING this for women, meaning, if there is a statement "don't nag him all the time"...why can't their be a counter-statement something like " try to find out what she is truly complaining about and see what you can do to change it".

    We women are not here to be "motherly" to our husbands, yes we are here to be caring, comforting, and supportive (amongst other things of course), as they should be to us. However, in the same respect, where is the females caring, comfort and support from the males??
    By always tending to the husbands/MALES needs, isnt that putting us back a couple centuries?

    Last edited by Smartcookie; 04-01-2005 at 07:49 PM.

     
    Old 04-01-2005, 08:25 PM   #158
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    Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

    Hi Cookie,

    Men are too simple to figure out what to do to make a woman happy....
    You have to lead them to it.

    They go out and work hard to bring home the money and they expect something in return.

    "yes we are here to be caring, comforting, and supportive (amongst other things of course)"

    Some women want men to act first and to woo them every day of the week.
    Men do woo their women by being good providers. If you happen to be lucky enogh to have one who is not a drunk, an addict or who is abusive and who is happy to have a hot dinner most nights, you have a good one.

    If you complain about things that he has no control over, just because you think it is what everyone else is doing, you might find out that you are a statistic, just like (everyone else) the women who comprise the 50% of women who are divorced.

    Treat him like a knight in shining armour or you risk loosing him to the first skirt
    who does.

     
    Old 04-01-2005, 08:55 PM   #159
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    Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

    Quote:
    Men are visual creatures... if you don't want one who looks, you should have married a blind one.

    Ron


    heh heh heh....Ron, you are funny

    Let me tell the guys and gals here something. There are biological differences between men and women and once both understand that then any relationships will "bloom". Heh..

    To men: The truth is that women are a walking marriage manual. THEY KNOW what is wrong in a marriage and what it takes to make a marriage to work.The problem IS that men MUST learn how to read the manual. (This coming from a man who has been married for 26 years)

    To women: Once you understand that us men only use ONE half of our brain life can become much easier for you. We are like old calculator machines. Women on the other hand use BOTH sides of the brain simutaneously which can be confusing to us men but a great blessing (accept when it comes to road directions amongst other things)

     
    Old 04-01-2005, 08:58 PM   #160
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    Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

    Just a question Ron, if I may. I see in your post that you are admitting that men want to be " caring, comforting, and supportive".. I agree, but on the same token you are saying that men are going to find someone else if they are not treated the way THEY want to be. How is this being " caring, comforting and supportive" if that man cannot see the hurt that he is putting his partner through? If a man truly cared about his partner he would do his part in making her feel comfortable being in situations where there may be hurt. How is this being a " knight in shining armour" if a woman cannot feel trust or protection from the things that hurt her the most?
    How can a man or woman for that matter, who care for their partner.. NOT control the habits that hurt the other? I am in no way saying that its possible to avoid the inevitable.. but there are things that can be done, if in a situation that causes tension.
    Example: You are in a public area with your partner, and an attractive person walks by.. if you know that your partner is uncomfortable with you oogling, wouldn't you avoid doing so, out of love and respect for her? Or if you looked and she got upset, perhaps sit with her and remind her how much you love her, and how beautiful she is.
    Its not about controlling our partners, its about feeling comfortable in our relationships.. there is alot of pain that we've endured because of situations like the above. If we only were treated like a lady by the "knight in shining armour" the way we should've been in the first place then maybe we'd be secure knowing that they our partners aren't going to hurt us again.

     
    Old 04-01-2005, 09:04 PM   #161
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    Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

    Ron,

    You dug yourself a DEEEEP hole and you are going to lose.

     
    Old 04-01-2005, 09:08 PM   #162
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    Quote:
    Its not about controlling our partners, its about feeling comfortable in our relationships.. there is alot of pain that we've endured because of situations like the above. If we only were treated like a lady by the "knight in shining armour" the way we should've been in the first place then maybe we'd be secure knowing that they our partners aren't going to hurt us again.

    I agree.

    See? A walking marriage manual

     
    Old 04-01-2005, 09:51 PM   #163
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    Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Pumper
    heh heh heh....Ron, you are funny

    Let me tell the guys and gals here something. There are biological differences between men and women and once both understand that then any relationships will "bloom". Heh..

    To men: The truth is that women are a walking marriage manual. THEY KNOW what is wrong in a marriage and what it takes to make a marriage to work.The problem IS that men MUST learn how to read the manual. (This coming from a man who has been married for 26 years)

    To women: Once you understand that us men only use ONE half of our brain life can become much easier for you. We are like old calculator machines. Women on the other hand use BOTH sides of the brain simutaneously which can be confusing to us men but a great blessing (accept when it comes to road directions amongst other things)
    Hi Pumper,

    Good nick! Does that refer to what you must do with her each day to get
    survival information?

    Could the use of BOTH sides of the woman's brain be the reason why men hear statements from their wives... such as...
    "I'm not happy anymore!"... which translates to.. (Why can't we afford to go to Florida every year like our neighbours do?)

    OR... We Don't talk anymore!".... which translates to.. (You don't tell me you love me every day like you used to when we were dating.)
    (sometimes it means.... "You don't talk about what I want to talk about!")

    OR... "Do I look fat in this dress?".... which translates to.. (Go ahead and tell me why you are not looking for sex every night like you did 10 years ago.)

    OR.... "I am tired and have a headache.. If you want sex tonight, you have from 10:40 to 11:55 PM Will you need that long? I have a date with Leno."... which translates to ... (Get off the computer and come to bed
    NOW!)

    Men are supposed to figure this out all by themselves. Is it any wonder why
    we are so easy to talk to at work when the new assistant smiles at us?

    When we look longingly at some strange girl, are we really trying to analyze
    WHETHER she would turn into what we have at home? After a long look,
    we are satisfied that she probably would be no different. Of course,
    the wife caught us looking and now we have more trouble...
    Oh well! we can always sneak back down to the computer after she falls asleep. At least there will be no need to try to please anyone else.

    Ron

     
    Old 04-01-2005, 09:57 PM   #164
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    Re: Thoughts of my husband & other women

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Pumper
    I agree.

    See? A walking marriage manual

    Hi Pumper,

    Men DO act like a Knight in Shining Armour... When we see our Lady,
    we Want Sex as soon as we can get undressed... right there in the kitchen.

    Why don't they understand us?
    Too many rules... So little time.

    Ron

     
    Old 04-01-2005, 10:23 PM   #165
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    "Example: You are in a public area with your partner, and an attractive person walks by.. if you know that your partner is uncomfortable with you oogling, wouldn't you avoid doing so, out of love and respect for her? Or if you looked and she got upset, perhaps sit with her and remind her how much you love her, and how beautiful she is."

    Hi Faerie,

    When a man loves a woman, he will do anything to make her happy...
    work hard, bring home as much money as he can, even if it takes two jobs and 16 hours a day, he will grab her in the kitchen while she is peeling potatoes and will often be told to "quit it".. he will bring the VCR into the bedroom to show her some training manuals (girls call it porn videos and think it is competition). Why are we misunderstood?
    He will be happy driving a minivan rather than the Mustang he really wanted.
    He wil let her navigate while driving to Florida,so that she doesn't nag about why he got lost.

    Men have built-in radar and when we approach an intersection in the city,
    we must be careful NOT to use our eyes to scan the area for danger...
    One never knows when a 30 millisecond glance at a passing female pedestrian will be taken as a roving eye. How can you explain to someone that you really do love them, when they are crying and screaming for you to get out and go chase her?

    We were too busy driving (with one side of our brain) to understand what it was that we were supposed to have done to upset her. Oh well, we are about an hour from the next motel... We can hope that the stimulus lasts that long and she is in the mood after all that crying.
    ..problem is, what are we to do with those two kids in the back seat?

    Ron

     
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