Living a life of patterns - OCD

01-12-2005, 01:26 AM

Hello

Im 22 yrs old and have had OCD for 12 years. Over my life my obsessions and compulsions have changed dramatically, but I just thought I would join this message board and talk about my OCD and hopefully someone out there can relate to me and share some stories as well.

From looking at the thread titles on this forum, most begin with the words 'Fear'. When I first got OCD I used to be scared of everything - people watching me, washing my hands, diseases, people dying, no one liking me, touching, etc. Now, the bad thoughts have gone from my head and whats left is an ingrained habit that I do without thinking. A doctor once asked me to write down every obsession I do in the day. Ridiculous! I said. It would take all day cause while I am writing my list, I would be touching the pen to the paper numerous times, glancing up at the dr and back down at the corner of his desk, sniffing, touching my foot to the chair over and over, etc. I basically touch everything or walk backward and forward over and over due to lines on the floor, corners on tables, etc. I sometimes say things aloud like CHICKEN just because I felt an urge. I have a pattern for everything and I never walk a different way or do it another form. It is always the same way, and if by chance I do it the wrong way, I either have to do it all over again 4 times (or multiples of 4) or do something else that overrides my fault. At night I check all the cupboards and under my bed as I think there may be a murderer waiting to kill me at night, even though I know he isnt really there - I think WHAT IF...

There is so much more to say but I dont want to bore everyone so I will be quiet now

I want to add that I am not on medication and have only ever had behavioural therapy when I was 14. I have learned to live with OCD and try not to think about it when I am pointlessly walking from one side of the room to the other touching everything a certain way, but it still stresses me out and I hate it how I cannot stop. Does anyone else out there have obessions similar to mine? I dont have any obsession with perfectionism or cleaning, mine are focused on touching, counting and rituals.

I would love to hear from other people living with OCD!

Shellz

01-12-2005, 11:32 AM

Hi, I wrote in here a couple days ago. (compulsons-lots of them). I do the same things pretty much. More like re-reading, or having to look in certain directions before I starting reading or doing things again. Counting stuff. I'll do crosswords and have to keep looking back at the one I just read or goofy little things like that. Its almost hard to explain. I am never comfortable. I have to keep moving til I feel just right. I think that is the most annoying cause I sit all day at work (on lunch now) and I feel like people must watch me do this or something. I do so many little rituals, I can't even think of most of them now. I blink my eyes alot. It just drives me crazy.
Kimwwe

01-12-2005, 07:26 PM

I just started seeing a therapist who seems to be very skilled at OCD therapy. He gave me a large questionaire to fill out and it had almost or all of the symptoms you listed; so your symptoms must be common. I've had OCD a long time too, so some of my compulsions are like a habit and I don't think much before doing them. I have many compulsions too, so when things are bad, I seem to go from one compulsion to the next.

01-13-2005, 10:47 PM

Glad to know there are other people out there with similar things to me! I find it annoying too cause simple tasks like walking to the kitchen and getting a glass or juice from the fridge turns into this whole ritual. My apartment is covered in square tiles so I usually walk straight and then turn around, walk back to a certain tile and then go straight again until I feel comfortable to enter the kitchen. Once in the kitchen I can pour myself a glass but then I have to wash my hands a certain number of times without touching anything around it, and then touch the counter twice before I can attempt to walk back into the lounge room which I do by walking backwards and forwards 4 times until I can sit down. It is kinda stressful!

My boyfriend is understanding and has been great but he still doesnt get it why I cant just get over it and sit down, or walk to the kitchen without being weird. I cant blame him though. To the outside eye, OCD must look a bit odd. It wouldnt make sense.

Anyway, he is overseas at the momment and I find it hard to sleep at night. Last night I fell asleep at 5am cause I thought I might develop schizophrenia and see people in my room and hear voices, so I lay awake with my mobile in my hand just in case something happens. I checked all my cupboards and under the bed before sleeping, and then locked the door. The strange thing is that I KNOW there isnt anyone there, but I dont want to be the fool that finds out the hard way if you know what I mean.

Please write!
Shellz

01-14-2005, 06:59 AM

Hey,

Im 20 y/o male.

I was just reading your post and i cant relate to much of the stuff you do but somethings i can and it made me think because ive never really heard of OCD before.

I do weird stuff sometimes.

One thing i used to do a few years ago was when i was lying in bed trying to sleep i felt the urge to touch something. Usual my radiator or door.

I had to touch it 4 times before i could feel settled down. Then if i accidently touched it again i would feel the urge to touch it 8 times, then 16 times, then 32 times, 64, 128, etc... I would be there for ages touching my radiator, sometimes with both hands, then 4 times with the left and 4 with the right, making sure each touch was exactly the same presure. It was crazy.

I dont seem to do it now but i do other stuff.

I always say "what" to people even though i heard perfectly well what they said.

I always think im ill and ive currently got a high pulse and i will find myself checking it every 20 mins and if its fast then i panic and it gets faster and then i panic............

I am having weird feelings recently like im losing my mind, i forget where i put stuff (which every1 does) but then rather than thinking nothing of it, i start to question why i forgot it and whats wrong with me. I also have come very appearance based and feel that i am being judged by every1.

I also feel the need to frantically touch all my fingers together in a crazy fashion like im washing my hands in mid air. At ther same time i screw my eyes up and pull a face like i am eating something sour. Ive done this since i was about 8 and seem to do it about 10 times a day.

I am totally aware im doing it and try not to, but i feel the need to and when i do it i feel like energy or soething being released from me.

Sorry, ive turned this round to be all about me, but maybe you can shed some light???

Good Luck

Living a life of patterns - OCD

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