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brainchild 05-14-2005 04:54 PM

Another day, another obsession :-s
I definitely think I am going to look into some kind of treatment here becuase all these worries and fears and obsessions and feelings of guilt are completely taking over my life now!!

i have to warn, this post could posibly be a trigger to someone with ocd, particularly disease related so please dont read if u r. i know even a word can trigger off something with me!!

My latest worry is something that i have ALWAYS been scared of but lately it is worse than ever!! I am absolutely petrified of CJD to the point that it is taking over my life completely, not classic cjd or anything, vCJD! (I am from england so i started worrying about this when it was first splashed all over the news about 9 years ago! :-s

In the last few years i had actually managed to curb this worry quite a lot as i assumed that the worst of it was over and that it was a small epidemic and that is was nearly over and so basically no1 else was going to get it, then one day i heard a news story saying how the incubation period could be up to 30 or even 40 years!!
Of course this is a nightmare disease for me to be worrying about as there is a) no cure b) an unknown but long incubation period and c) no test to know if you DO have it and d) so much is still unknown about it and to me unknown information= panic stations!!
i have doing more and more research into it on the internet- really bad idea :-s becuase the things i have found have just caused me to worry more and more and think of possible bad scenarios!! :(
they say that the estimates could possible go up to hundreds of thousands but then some scietists are saying that this is extremely unlikely as only 150 people have died from it out of a population of 66,000,000, and a lot more people than that will of eaten contaminated meat but yet only very small numbers are getting it, but then they are saying that it has only affected one specific genetic group so far but there is a possibility in the future that it could affect people from a different genetic make up becuase it has a longer incubation period in them!! :-s
and then they are saying that some people might carry it for ever but not ever develop the disease which i also hate the idea of because i just hate the idea of being contaminated!! :(
and i feel totally helpless because there is NOTHING i can do to find out if i am ok!!
a lot of people are saying that it is most likely that it was just a small epidemic and the worst of it is over and studioes have proved that the number of cases is declining each year.
but not only am i obsessively worried about ANYTHING that cud potentially cause cjd, even though they have made a lot of changes to the food system now, i cant even SMELL beef!! :-s but i am also constantly paranoid not only about getting it myself but also about having it already and giving it to somebody else, i am convinced now that i have some small holes in my teeth that might have infected some able to come thru them and by me sharing a drink with somebody or even breathing or talking i cud transmit it to other people!! :(
i am CONSTANTLY washing my hands ALL the time, i have broken out with dermatitis again2day because i have washed my hands an uncountable amount of times and had two showers also! i have brushed my theeth about 6 or 7 times! i cant stand living like this! EVERY single surface in our house i am convinced is contaminated! either from my mum feeding the cat and then touching something or from somebody eating something with beef in and then i wont want to use any of the plates that got washed together or from someone using a product that has animal products in it!! :S
i just wish sometimes that i was from america or australia and not england where all this has emerged!!
i just wish i knew more about this, the thing is all the sites that are more 'authoritive' seem to have a positive outlook on things but then there are other smaller sites which seem to be 'scaremongering' and its the ideas on those and the fact that some sites just say not a lot is known etc that just make me imagine all kinds of possibilities in my mind n it just gets out of control!!
I mean i have read lots of good stories also about how they have found drugs that are inhibiting the spread of the disease in people and stuff so it could be possible that they will find a cure or treatment in the next few years, they predicted a cure withing the next 10 years a while ago but instead of thinking optimistically the ocd is making me think not only the worst but also making me completely make up facts and ideas in my head which i then become fixated on and believe to be true!! i have managed to even convince myself that it can be spread by particles flying round the air! now think if all it tooks was someone to inhale a few tiny particles in the air to become infected then the whole world wud have it?? but no, the ocd wont let me rationalise reasonably, it tells me that it IS possible and it might happen to ME!!
something needs to let up because i cant stand this constantly in and out and feeling like everything in my own home is a threat to me!! :(
and the more i try to do to 'protect' myself or others from this 'contamination' then i just seem to end up doing things that end up casuing me to worry more!!
i cant even believe now looking back that i used to FINE opening a kitchen cupboard, and taking out some food and then eating it with my bare hands!!
now the kitchen cupboard is potetially contaminated, the handle is too, the food inside it is potentially contaminated on the packaging etc, then once i have opened the dorr, my hands r contaminated so i have to wash my hands b4 eating anything!!
i need some kind of rationalising to make me see some kind of sense here!! either that or i need to be knocked out with a big club!! lol
thanks for reading!! i have never encountered anyone else with this obsession before and anyone i speak to about it laughs at me and tells me that i am being totally ridiculous and blowing things massively out of proportion! i really hope i am!! :rolleyes:
xx Laura

ocdbugsme 05-15-2005 03:11 PM

Re: Another day, another obsession :-s
Hi Laura,

wow - you sound as if you are going through hell.

I strongly recommend going to your doctor and getting referred to a psychologist who treats ocd. You have such classic ocd. I am sure they will be able to help you -even though you will have to work hard at treatment. If you don't like the first psychologist, ask for another one.

I'm sure you could make a big breakthrough and wonder why you didn't get help years ago. Your fears about vcjd are totally unrealistic but you are suffering in fear and that can be helped.


yfguitarist 05-15-2005 04:44 PM

Re: Another day, another obsession :-s
That sounds terrible. I understand what you mean about how reading something can trigger obsessions. Happens to me.

brainchild 05-16-2005 04:06 PM

Re: Another day, another obsession :-s
Hey guys thanks for your replies,

It really is an unpleasant experience to be going through, as is any ocd experience! I know I really should go and seek out some help but I also know that I would worry and panic about that as well, I suppose im kind of in 'denial'! not that i have ocd cos i cant deny that! but i suppose i dont want to have to tell other people about it! and i know i would have to because i hate hiding things from people! (thats not an ocd thing, thats just the way i am!) i like to be very open about things and with most apsects of my life i am! just not with the ocd! Its so stupid really that i seem to think ocd is kind of embarrassing to talk about because they say that 1 out of 10 has it at some point and i personally believe that the majority of people experience some form of ocd throughout their lifetime, even if they dont actually have ocd but just a crazy habit that makes no sense but drives them crazy if they dont do it! i dont know anyone without some little quirk or habit! but yet it seems a harder thing to talk about as apposed to things such as phobias, panic attacks, anxiety etc which appear to be more openly discussed, even though ocd is just an anxiety disorder just as these are.
Maybe it is because it can be quite hard for people without it to understand the way that people with ocd think when they having an ocd worry or why we may act out compulsions along with those worries.
I think people close to me kind of KNOW that i possibly have it to some extent but of course they dont really know what goes on in my mind when i go off on an obsession as i never tell anyone! they just see the compulsions or change in behaviour i suppose, like the way i suddenly develop a certain phobia or suddenly spend half my life in the bathroom! lol
For a long time, I was able to manage my ocd and it seemed to be quite mild and it didnt actually bother me that much really but over the last 10 months, maybe less it has been quite bad again! I know there must be something that causes this change and id love to know what it is!! the only thing i have ever realised is that my ocd obsessions and compulsions drop to a minimum level when i am feeling very happy and content. I was very unhappy for a long time in my job but i have a new one now just to pass the time but i am looking forward to starting my masters degree and also i have a lot of career plans that i am working towards so hopefully that might make me a little better with my ocd!
I know i should really do something about some form of treatment but i really am medicine phobic!! lol ( a big wimp basically) and even sitting in the gp's waiting room is nerve wracking enough!!
and in a way i feel a bit silly going to see a psychiatrist or somebody because i know i dont have an actual metal illness as such, as apposed to a disorder.
One of my best friends went throuhg a really bad patch with depression and i knew none of it at the time as she was at uni, and she went into a psychiatric hospital for a few weeks, but then a few months later when she was home it happened again and she was ringing me all the time and telling me all this stuff and saying she felt suicidal and things because she couldnt be with this lad she thought she liked and she started seeing and hearing things and she was really depressed, she was conviced she was psychic and people, incuding myself, had been talking to her through psychic means! she wud ring me all the time to tell me about her psychis conversations and how down she felt and i wud have to go to her house and try and make her see sense, it was really difficult! but she is a lot better now and back to her old self, but it made me realise that what i have with ocd is nothing compared with what some people can go through and i suppose i kind of think well, i suppose what i have isnt really that bad because at least i dont really get depressed, only when it really really builds up and then it can really get me down, but i have never been suicidal thank goodness, i have experienced that with a school friend and it was just awful, so i always think no matter how bad things are there is always help available for you from somewhere!
So i suppose i just feel like i dont need to see a psychiatrist as there is people a lot worse off than me, but then experiencing the worries and obsessions and frustrations of ocd feels really bad at times too!!
so i suppose i kind of feel torn as to what to do!! if i knew of any kind of natural or herbal (legal!!) treatment then i would gladly take it even if it just helped to calm down the constant worrying and panicking!! and if they were reduced then the compulsions would be reduced!
I suppose we have to look on the brightside, people with ocd apparantly tend to be people that naturally have a higher than average intelligence, are very particular with their work and are perfectionists, and tend to be very generous, thoughtful, sensitive and kind people! Or so i read on an ocd website i found the other day!!
So that gives me a little hope that when ocd is not too bad and is bearable then we are all pretty cool people!! ;)
im sorry this has been a bit of a long post and a little off the subject but i have been trying to deal with 'the latest obsession' all night and have managed to restrain myself from panicking TOO much about certain 'potential contaminations', although i still have a little!! :S
if you have managed to read this far then thank you! if anyone has any input it would be interesting to read!! I just think that this is a great board and it is really good to be able to share thoughts and feelings with other people who are going through or have been through similar experiences!! it really helps to know you are not the only one!!
Take care everyone

yfguitarist 05-16-2005 04:15 PM

Re: Another day, another obsession :-s
I also have trouble with admitting that I have a problem and getting help.

brainchild 05-16-2005 04:19 PM

Re: Another day, another obsession :-s
Really? what is your ocd prob? or are you like me and lots of different ones?

yfguitarist 05-16-2005 04:29 PM

Re: Another day, another obsession :-s
I have lots of problems, I would like to be able to find out what's wrong with me. As far as OCD goes, I've managed to curb it but I used to set my alarm for an hour each night, check my planner for 2 hours when I'd come home and then another 45 minutes when I'd go to bed. Now I just check my alarm 3 times or so, among other stuff.

I think the same thoughts over and over, often for an hour or so, just worrying, pacing, that sort of thing.

I'm also nervous constantly (almost nonstop). I have an irrational fear of getting sick that's keeping me home most of the time. I'm periodically angry (before I was indifferent). I don't feel guilt or cry, but I'm sure that's normal.

Gosh, there are so many things. I fantasize about killing people but I'm sure that's common as well. I've been hearing voices in my head (I was hearing them outside of my head), just telling me to do things, commenting on my thoughts, gibberish. I was seeing flashes of light.

brainchild 05-16-2005 04:56 PM

Re: Another day, another obsession :-s
Wow, its amazing how many different forms ocd comes in!

It really sucks! I hate it soo much!! Sometimes I look at other people and think wow, i wonder what its like to NOT worry 24/7 and just to live normally!! But just having minimum ocd is good enough for me!! Where its only minor little worries and rare compulsions! I could happily live like that forever so for people who have no ocd at all, providing nothing else is going wrong life must be sheer luxury for them!!

Like pretty much most of the ocd worries you listed i have heard of before but yet i have never had any of those myself, and i am the total oppposite with guilt, i feel guiltt all the time and live i have the unltimate responsibility for everyone elses well being!! and i obsess over that as well as obsessing over my own well being and being paranoid about contracting diseases, particularly hiv and cjd, anything without a cure basically!! i remember getting really upset on holidat when i was 15 because i missed my malaria tablet and i was CONVINCED i was going to get malaria and die, i thought it was incurable and that is why i panicked! so i went back to the hotel room and cried for ages! despite not even getting bitten once the entire holiday!! lol
if somebody just totally MADE UP a disease and made up symptoms for it and said it had no cure and was conatgious then i would somehow manage to convince myself im either going to get it, already have it, or are carrying it and am going to pass it on to other people, and my life would revolve around protection from this disease!!
ARGHH i hate ocd soo much!! do you ever feel like ocd sometimes feels like a really cruel joke or something?? its SO ridiculous to waste time worrying about something which is usually NOTHING!! when there are people out there who really ARE sick and managing to pull along just fine! i dunno!!

One thing i am interested in, does anyone have any ideas where ocd can stem from?
because i FULLY believe it originates from my childhood as i had a lot of friends who told me a lot of stupid stories to make me worry and get me upset and this was obviosuly amusing to them at the time!
things like, you cant go in the schoool toilets on your own because they are haunted and a ghost will come and get you, or they would give me a drink and then after id drank it tell me it was poisoned and that i would die within the next hour, or once when my hair was falling out a little, i think thats normal for when you start to grow thicker hair, they told me i had leukemia and i was like whats that? and they said its a disease which makes your hair fall out and then you die. i was sobbing like anything that night in bed and my dad came in and was like whats the matter? i was like.. do i have lookeema?? am i going to die? he was like no dont be so stupid!! who told you that?? he was sooo mad!! and another time some of my friends told me that some bin trucks were particularly to take children away and they picked children up and took them to a rubbish tip. yeah so i was a very sensitive and naive child by nature and i think by children being children, and they can be pretty cruel, i basically became a nervous wreck from an early age and sometimes i feel resentful towards them but then othertimes im like nah forget it- they didnt know any better.
Do you think that ocd could of been caused by these cruel jokes or do you think i was possibly born with a susceptibility to ocd and ould of developed it anyway at some point?
anyway! just some food for thought there!!
id better be off to bed as i gotta be up in 6 hours for work!! :(
how boring!!
take care everyone!! xx

yfguitarist 05-17-2005 01:02 PM

Re: Another day, another obsession :-s
Same here, I look at other people and think, Wow, it must be great to not worry all the time!

"its SO ridiculous to waste time worrying about something which is usually NOTHING!! when there are people out there who really ARE sick and managing to pull along just fine!"
That's EXACTLY how I feel. Other people are able to get sick and brush it off, but me, I get sick once, and it triggers this whole nonstop worrying and fear of any situation where it's POSSIBLE that I could get sick. I know what you mean about the "people playing jokes" on you, I was told recently in jest that I have athlete's foot, and I kept worrying about it, like I always do if someone springs the possibility of anything on me, I'll worry: "well its possible!" URGGGHHH
For me, it's something I can't help, but I do think it stems from something, or maybe you're born with it, I dunno. Mine didn't occur until my mom got a job and stopped waking me up in the morning for school, leaving me to have to set my alarm clock. With the onset of responsiibilty came all these worries!

brainchild 07-25-2005 05:45 PM

It just gets worse i didnt know ocd could get this bad! :(
Hi I thought I would come back to this old post to save on writing another one!

Basically this obsession over cjd is getting so much worse that it is completely taking over my life 24/7 and affecting everything i do :(

I have two contradiciting obsessions with it- one that I will catch it, and another that I already am infected with it and can spread it to other people. And it switches in an instant from one to the other depending on the current situation. It has been bad lately but over the last weekend it just escalated. It started out when i noticed i was grinding my teeth at night and waking up with sore teeth, I convinced myself I had holes in my teeth which could leak and maybe my teeth could be infected with cjd and therefore if i shared food or drink or breathed or talked then i could spread it through saliva or through air particles. I became fixated on my teeth and they were permanantly sore but then i realised that this was impossible and that my teeth were not grund down at all so then i started to fixate my concerns onto a back tooth i have with a small hole at the side of it which has been there for about 10 years, i started to convince myself that maybe this hole could leak infection out and that by breathing or talking i could infect people :rolleyes: suddenly the old teeth that i was worried were ground down and felt uncomfortable to me, didnt feel uncomfortable anymore but now this back tooth felt uncomfortable instead, which in a way reminds me that it IS obsession and i am making myself have these feelings in my mouth, but still the ocd ALWAYS has to throw the little bit of doubt in there.
Anyway I went to the chemist to pick up some clove oil (in case know one knoes it numbs toothaches!) o I thought hmm maybe if i can numb it it will stop this tooth feeling uncomfortable because I am obsessing over it being infective. I suppose i was trying to fight the results of the obsession rather than the actual obsession itself or its causes! :S

So anyway, The next day after lots of excessive clove oil applications and putting a load of toothpaste in my mouth to try and detract from the problem of the tooth, i notice that my mouth and inner lips are all white and kinda swollen looking. Then i noticed that my skin was like peeling from the inside of my cheek and my lips were dry and peeling too :(
within an instant THAT became the new obsession- omg what if the insides of my cheeks are carrying the agent and now i have injured them by trying to fix theproblem and now i have just made it worse! etc etc etc
Its like for anyone who compulsive hand washes- you know when your hands feel contaminated and you just HAVE to wash them to get it away- its like that but with my mouth- and its really not nice and i KNOW whilst im doing it that im making things worse bacause the mouth is self cleaning and has a specific pH that it stays at to remain healthy and i am totally screwing the system all up! :S

So then it was like you know when you bite the inside of your cheek by accident when chewing and then you accidentally keep catching it again.. well it was like that but on both sides of my mouth at the bottom, so i was soo uncomfortable in work because i didnt want to breathe over people, because i have also convinced myself that infection could come out of my teeth/cheeks/wherever applicable and then i wud swallow it and then when i breathed it would breathe out with it from my throat :S i know i must sound totally crazy- im really not!!- usually anyway!!

Well this morning when i woke up it felt a lot better and i thought.. im REALLY going to try and get over this today.. so i got up and went to work same as normal and my mouth was still feeling a little sore but not feeling so 'contaminating' until i left the house and i could smell my cats food really strong and it makes me feel so sick, i have also convinced myself that cat food is contaminated and even by smellingit i could become infected.. so instantly i switched from being infected already to possibly becoming infected so then i was trying to detract from that and resist the urge to go and do my teeth again or something, so i had a quick drink of pepsi in my car and ate some mints- BIG mistake, i crucnhed the mints which then stabbed the bottom of my gum again and madeit bleed so that started me off for the day again! i went to the shops anyway to buy some juice and food for work, felt v uncomfortable in the shop due to my potential infective bleeding mouth.
Got to work and felt a little better after having something to eat and some oj.
Then the guy i work for comes in, stands behind me and breathes out really heavily, well i HATE that and that set me off again thinking that i could catch it from the air :rolleyes:
as the day went on though i kept switching between worrying about having it and worrying about getting it.
as soon as i got home i could smell the cats food even stronger and was nearly sick, opened all the windows and went upstairs to do my teeth and have another shower as i felt dirty because i had breathed over my clothes- if i was someone else reading this it would probably sound really amusing because it must seem so unbelievable and even typing it now im thinking what am i doing?! but at the time when im constantly battling against these thoughts in my head its really really horrible!
Anyway after my shower i got out determined that i was gonna get this sorted and STOP following the stupid compulsions that are just making the obsessions worse and vice versa.
So tonight i was feeling a lot happier about things and then my mum offered to make me tea so i said ok, i got some chicken out and put it on a tray and she said do u want some chips and then put her hand in the bag of frozen chips and pulled a load out. I started panicking because i had seen she had put the cats food bowl into soak in the utility room sink, then i remembered she had just washed a dish in the normal kitchen sink so was like oh phew thats ok then. so i ate dinner and then started to panic again cos i was like hmm mum must of picked up the cats dish and then washed it in the utility sink and left it on the side to dry, so she must of then dried her hands, from when she had her hands in the water from soaking the cats bowl, on the tea towel which she then washed her hands in the kitchen sink when she cleaned that dish and then she dried her hands on the tea towel again and so it is contaminated!! etc etc starting panicking again
went upstairs-did my teeth- AGAIN and this time nicked my gum- only a tiny little mark but felt quite sore, then i felt annoyed with myself again because i started worrying that my GUMS could be infected.
So i started searching on the internet for information about gums being possibly infective and all i did find was an article saying that some body had suggested that people transmittd the disease through small cuts in the tongue-which i have from when i brushed my teeth earlier as i brushed my tongue also- and it also said that other people have suggested that transmission is through small cuts or lesions in the gums and that it only takes tiny amounts of the agent to infect somebody.
i also read that it could possibly be caught through the throat when people have sore throats, and i also have a sore throat :'(
at first i tried to reassure myself about the cats bowl being washed out and thought hmm.. surely though the cjd agent would actually be a part of the meat and therefore stay in any traces of meat in the water but then im thinking but maybe not, maybe the particles can come loose and float around in the water and go on my mums hands and be transferred to other places!
Well, not only was i panicking already about the thought of my mum washing the cats bowl and getting the cjd agent on her hands from the water and tehn possibly carrying it across to the tea towel or the kitchen sink but then i also read that! when i have newly self caused injuries both on my tongue and my gum, i just feel like maybe i am MEANT to get it now, its like trust me to be so obsessed about having it or catching it and then actually get it by trying to prevent it or trying to prevent other people from getting it.
So now i just feel really really down and have convinced myself that i probably have infected myself now and i am wishing that i had resisited the urge to scrub and rinse my mouth out etc

So i feel really angry with myself and angry with anyone that tries and talks to me as it makes me feel uncomfortable and i constantly feel moody and irritable.

There is a possibility that this exagerrated worrying has come on recently because i am due to start my period anyday soon and am feeling much more hormonal and depressive than normal pmt, but i dunno.

Anyway, thats basically it, i know it must sound ridiculous, in all the time i have dalt with ocd problems i never dreamt anything could be as excessive and debilitating as this :(
its completely changing my life and i dont feel like the same chatty and happy person i used to be :(

I just wish right now i could go back to the way i used to be and enjoy my life again, even with the occasional ocd attacks!

I know i should go see my doctor but im a) scared of having this on my medical records as i have family that work in the hospital and have access to my records, b) because i have no idea wot to expect but i imagine it would be a long drawn out diagnostic process whereas i would want pills right there and then so i could just take them and not go back until i needed to and c) the idea of being in a crowded waiting room fills me with dread :(
and d) trying to get an appointment they r like sorry, u have to ring between half 8 and 9 to get an appt, u'll have to ring 2moro, so u do and its engaged the whole time til gone 9 and then they say the same thing!! its ridiculous!

i dont know what to do :confused:

GatsbyLuvr1920 07-26-2005 05:38 AM

Re: Another day, another obsession :-s
yfguitarist- I know what you mean about how great it would be not to worry all day long! A lot of the people my age (I'm 18, by the way) think that a catastrophe is getting a pimple or that they can't have the car tonight. Oh, can't have that! :rolleyes: Sorry for being so sarcastic, but after suffering from OCD for so many years, I just can't take the whining any longer! LOL! :D

joa 07-26-2005 07:27 AM

Re: Another day, another obsession :-s
Sometimes when i am really worrying i read the other message boards here like death and dying and i realise my problems arent so bad

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