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  • POCD...need a lot of advice...PLEASE HELP!!

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    Old 07-16-2005, 12:59 AM   #1
    Gerz's Avatar
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    Gerz HB User
    Unhappy POCD...need a lot of advice...PLEASE HELP!!

    I don't want to take too much time away from anyone, but I'm new to this particular board, so this may be long and, if so, I'm very sorry, but PLEASE keep reading, 'cause I need a lot of advice.

    I've suffered from OCD for about 3 years now. I've had thoughts ranging from anything you can think of, but the worst for me usually have dealt with H-OCD and POCD. I was diagnosed a little over a year and a half ago, when I was put through therapy and put on meds. After being on both for about a year, I was feeling much better, so I stopped taking meds and only used therapy tactics when I really needed them. And for the past year, everything's been great. Until recently.

    I hope masterbation doesn't gross anyone out, but that's where my problems (and OCD) rose again. I'm 21 and single and sadly haven't gotten any in a while. My ex left me b/c of OCD and my bad habit of telling her all my thoughts--something she just couldn't take. So anyway, I'm left to mast. Anyway...the other day, I had a very disturbing thought about my little 13 year old sister while mast. However, I was able to get by it for the most part after about a week. But then, my sister had a friend come over--a friend who is cute for her age. And the moment I saw her, i started thinking to myself, "well, now if you mast., you'll only do it to [your sister's friend]" (sorry don't want to use other people's names).

    Though I was worried about having thoughts of her while I mast., I went ahead and did it. And my deepest fears surfaced. I thought about her before (but from therapy knew I couldn't let that stop me from doing things, so I continued on), and I thought about her all throughout mast. I really wasn't having images of her; her name would merely pop in my head. When I mast., normally I'll either watch porn or look at it over the internet and usually think of my ex-g/f and times we spent together sexually. And when I'd start to think to myself, "wow, your body's amazing, [my ex's name here]," this 13 year old's name would pop up and basically replace my ex's name (unwantingly).

    Since then, I've been a wreck. I've mast. 3 or 4 more times since and each time her name popped up and left me feeling sick and, now, to the point where I just don't want to live. Now, that's (probably) a bit of stretch. I mean, I'm not going to go out and kill myself, but that's the way I feel. Does that make sense? I feel like that's the only way to get rid of these demons that live inside my head.

    Making things worse, I started looking back on the time when my sis's friend was here--when my first thoughts of this all started--and I realized that I flirted with her a bit. Now, by nature, I'm a very flirtatious guy. Now, I don't mean I talked about relationship stuff with this girl or anything like that. What I mean by "flirty" is, when girls are around, I tell jokes to them (stuff like that). Now, I'd never follow up on that flirtation with this particular girl (obviously b/c she's 13), but the fact that I flirted with her really bothers me now, considering all the thoughts I've had while mast. I guess you can say it makes the thoughts seem "more real." Does that make sense?

    And if all this weren't enough, I'm a very honest guy when I get into relationships. And I tend to "look into the future" (so to speak) and, whenever I begin dating someone again, I feel like I'm going to have to be honest and tell her, "well, I feel like I mast. to this 13 year old once" and watch her leave me like my ex did a year ago.

    Bottom line, I'm in a VERY bad way right now. I can't shake these thoughts at all. For the past year, I've been able to go along with no problem. I'd have a thought, and it wouldn't bother me. But now, I can't get over this at all. All I keep thinking is you wouldn't think this--you wouldn't think, "I mast. to [the 13 year old girl]"--if it wasn't true...and that's just killing me inside.

    Can someone PLEASE help? Any advice is greatly appreciated, and I truly appreciate all those who took the time to read my story.


    Last edited by Gerz; 07-16-2005 at 08:27 AM.

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