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    Old 12-14-2006, 01:13 PM   #1
    hughley
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    obsessed with revenge - very long story

    Hello all,

    Okay, here it is. I live in a two family house, my brother and wife downstairs, my family and I upstairs. Well, last friday he got divorced. He asked my father to do all the dirty work for him, tell her family, etc. He couldn't even tell her to leave, my dad owns the house, they never paid rent once in the past five years. My brother just came upstairs to live with us. So she refuses to talk to my dad, she hangs up on him, she knows whats coming (that she must leave) and avoids him at all costs. Instead she calls very close family members (some we don't even talk to that often) and asks them to tell my father to let her stay. My dad was like no, she has to leave. So he goes downstairs and she starts crying, but the whole time insulting everyone in the house, insulting my dad, saying he is not a man of faith, apparently she thinks a religous man doesn't ask the ex-wife of his son to leave his house. My father who is very kind, feels very sorry for her, lots of crying on her part, and decides that she can stay for a month.

    I get infuriated, I have always had problems with her, we have gotten into fights, she has threatened me, her mother has come over to live with her for a couple of weeks and they both teamed up against me, telling my father that I am mean and disrespectful to her daughter, etc. I just feel that she just gained a privilege that she doesn't deserve at all, to use a house as she pleases, that she doesn't pay rent, she is no longer married to my brother, etc. So the next day after my father tells her she can stay, she gathers all of my brothers things and puts them in the garbage. I tell my dad, he gets ****** off at me, because I am bothering him about it. My father and I who are very close have been arguing over his decision for the past week. He told me not to even say her name, because I don't like her and he doesn't want me insulting her. So I have been bothering everyone else about it, how can we get her out? I am obsessed with her comings and goings, I spend hours trying to think of how to get her to leave (nothing illegal of course), like sewing raw shrimp into the curtains or rearranging her furniture when she is gone (to mess with her). I just feel that she is using my family so badly and I want revenge, but I don't want to upset my dad. And I just keep telling myself to put my trust in God, and He will take care of everything. And that has been a struggle on a another level, why am I thinking this way, how come I don't put my whole and unquestionable trust in God and just forget about it? I am driving everyone crazy and my relationship with my dad is strained. I am really hating my brother, too, I think he had the responsibilty of taking care of this and he just put us all in a very bad situation. I will probably drive myself and everyone else crazy everday until the month is up. Any thoughts...Please help!

    Last edited by hughley; 12-14-2006 at 01:14 PM.

     
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    Old 12-14-2006, 04:51 PM   #2
    BadMalibu
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    Re: obsessed with revenge - very long story

    Hugley-

    Try the shrimp idea! lol (Just Kidding) It sounds like you have a bit of a conflict going on and I wouldn't be surprised if your OCD is flaring up because of everything that is going on between you, your dad, your brother, and your brother's ex wife. That's alot of people to deal with at one time and I'm sure it's stressful.

    On one hand you have a good relationship with your father that is under stress because you don't see eye to eye with him on your ex sister in law. You have an issue with your brother because he just left things they way they were and is having someone else deal with his problems. You're obviously upset with your ex sister in law for taking advantage of your dad, and you're stuck in the middle. You want to be honest with your dad and tell him how upset and hurt you are, but yet he won't hear it, which is basically rejecting you. When we get rejected, it hurts and it makes our OCD flare up. We want to think that our family supports us in our opinions, ideas, and thoughts. But when we don't see eye to eye on things, it can strain our relationships. We see the obvious, but others don't. To us it's as clear as glass and we want others to see that, but they don't.

    So your conflict is, how do I tell my dad he's being taken advantage of without him becoming upset? How do I help get the ex sister in law out without causing an uproar? What happens if I confront her and her mom is there and I get into an arguement with her mom?

    If you'd like my honest opinion about it, I would stay clear of the entire situation. Just because you live there doesn't mean you have to lend your emotions to everything that's going on in that household. When my parents got divroced, since I live at home, my mom always tried to drag me into the middle of it by using the excuse, "I'm your mother and you should care about our divorce!" I told her just because I lived here did not mean I had to be involved in my parents business.

    People, including your dad and brother will learn their lessons, whether it's the easy way or the hard way. Take yourself out of the situation and let your father and brother deal with it. I understand you care about your father, but if it's his house and he makes the rules, you can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to, like kicking your ex sister in law out of the house. You're just going to have to let things happen as they happen.

    I hope this helps and I sure hope things work out!

     
    Old 12-15-2006, 11:27 AM   #3
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    Re: obsessed with revenge - very long story

    The way you describe this woman, no wonder why your brother divorced her. Why is your brother asking dad to handle this? Don't let this put stress on you and your dad's relationship. Instead, ask your brother why he can't face his ex-wife and why can't he finalize the issues like her leaving the house. When you found out she put his stuff in the garbage, you should have told your brother to do something about it, not your dad. I know how hard it must be to live so close to her but try to wait the month she was given to leave. Your dad should get in writing from her confirmation she will leave on whatever date. Because she sounds like a witch and she'll cause more problems when it comes time to leave. During this time, if you witness her doing something again like putting your brother's stuff in the garbage or something else, approach her when she's doing it and say something to her.

     
    Old 12-16-2006, 12:45 AM   #4
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    Re: obsessed with revenge - very long story

    Hello BadMabilu and irishmom,

    Thanks for the awesome advice, it is hard to look at these things with a clear head when you are in it. Just when you think things can't get any worse, they do. My mom went to go salvage what was left of my brother's stuff when the ex-inlaw was gone, I guess it all couldn't fit in the garbage. So she just picked up his stuff and touched nothing else. She really didn't want to, but she feared that the ex would just trash them. So the ex comes home midnight, starts slamming doors with such force we felt the ground shake. Next thing we know the police are at our door. My mom explained everything to them and they basically said the ex has a legal right to be in our house even though she never payed rent, that we don't have the right to go downstairs and she has the right to stay even if my parents ask her to leave, because it is now her legal residence. (This whole thing keeps reminding me of the movie Pacific Heights) My father's blinders are now off, although very late, as you wrote BadMalibu, he learned the hard way. My brother really doesn't care about anything, he just says "my legal documents are down there" to my parents and leaves it all to them, again. He won't confront his ex because he said that she will start smashing things in the house. I really can't even look at him anymore. Sorry to get so personal, I just have an unsafe, uneasy feeling living in my own house, and I need some outside perspective to get my OCD filled head around it. You both had some really good advice, which is very badly needed. Thanks for the help!

    hughley

    Last edited by hughley; 12-16-2006 at 12:47 AM.

     
    Old 12-19-2006, 01:24 PM   #5
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    Re: obsessed with revenge - very long story

    Hello Bad Malibu,

    I haven't exactly been following your advice, to stay out of it...but I promise myself that from now on I will just stay out of it. It was hard for me to let go, even though it is a toxic situation, I think I was not just seeking revenge for my dad and family, I think I was rehashing all the crappy stuff that she has done to me in the past five years. For those five years my own mom was the ex-in law's champion and even though my mom and I never had a good relationship, this was hard for me to accept. I don't think that my relationship with my mother will ever be the same, I don't trust her, I've always had huge mother issues even before the ex came along. At least I have my dad, and I don't want to push him away with this stupid stuff.

    Thanks again,
    hughley

     
    Old 12-19-2006, 05:35 PM   #6
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    Re: obsessed with revenge - very long story

    Hug-

    I know it's tough to stay out of a situation like that considering it's your family, but if it's going to put more stress on the situation it's just best to let things happen the way they will. As the old saying goes, sometimes our words fall on deaf ears. Hopefully as time progresses things will work themselves out.

     
    Old 12-26-2006, 01:16 PM   #7
    hughley
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    Re: obsessed with revenge - very long story

    I can't believe this, but things are worse...We crossed paths in the driveaway, which she still uses, had a verbal exhange, she called the police, the police came again, my father was like that is it she has to go, he goes downstairs to tell her to leave, she starts calling me all these bad names in front of my dad, telling my father that she respects him, but I am blah, blah, blah. My father totally takes her side, my dad comes upstairs curses me, says that I am going to kill him, my mother starts blaming the ex for the mess and my dad was like it is your daughter's fault, why are you blaming the ex-in law? It is awful, my dad and I were best friends, I can't even look at him.

     
    Old 12-26-2006, 01:16 PM   #8
    hughley
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    Re: obsessed with revenge - very long story

    It was a double post, so I thought I'll just erase it and say something positivie instead, but I can't think of anything positive right now, I often just find myself in some sort of conflict, I have to start taking a new approach to life, since the new year is coming, this would be a good time to do so, but new year's resolutions never work, so I don't want to think of it that way, and make promises to myself I can't keep, I just know that I have a lot of work to do on myself. I don't want to get burned again, and I catch myself closing myself off to people and I feel that I've become hardened from all this stupid stuff, and that I just don't care...I feel that no one is going to look out for me except for me, because when I get hurt next time like the last time, people who I thought would always be there for me are not going to be there. So what am I supposed to do? I was under the impression that because I care about other people's feelings, or that I believe that anything negative will always come back to you and I treat others how I would want to be treated, doesn't mean that everyone is like that, that there are people who are hurtful, awful people and that there is a good chance that you will probably have one of these people come into your life, and the test is how are you going to handle it? And this conflict will keep repeating itself until you pass the test. Sorry for rambling and not making sense...I am just trying to figure all of this out.

    Last edited by hughley; 12-29-2006 at 04:44 PM.

     
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