OCD, insomia and severe depression! advice needed!

mochi*

Hi all,
It’s been a while since I posted here.
I guess I don’t really know where to start, I mean, I am not entirely sure what is going on with me, and was hoping others could offer some insight.
To give some background, I am a 26 year old female, and have been diagnosed with fairly severe OCD for about ten years now.
My OCD takes mostly the form of “pure O” although I do have some compulsions, like checking the stove a million times, or repeating mundane things, like tapping something enough times..
If you have OCD, you know what I’m saying.
As you will also know, OCD can heighten or lesson depending on stress or circumstance.
That said, my OCD goes from phases of “annoying, but manageable” to “completely unbearable.”
During the unbearable times, I also experience severe bouts of depression, panic attacks, insomnia, ect.
I’ll get to the questions soon, don’t worry…
For the past three years my OCD/anxiety/insomnia has been pretty severe on and off, but the depression has been pretty rare, and the OCD, though awful, is generally tolerable enough.
I am not on meds, and haven’t been for years, though I was put on Paxil twice before, and well, hated it.

Anyways, about two weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend, (the only person who knows all about my OCD besides my folks). We broke up amicably, and because we were long-distance, and neither of us were moving any time soon. So, we broke up.

Naturally, I felt devastated, missed him, cried my eyes out, got angry, had bouts of denial, ect.
But all in all, I think those moods are normal reactions to a breakup.

The trouble is, this hasn’t stopped, not with time or care or anything. In fact, my emotions are completely overtaking me. I feel hopeless much of the time, and either unable to sleep, or sleep too much, even when I feel “relaxed.
I am eating right, exercising, and being social (though I find it hard lately).
But still, I find my thoughts muddled, deeply depressed, or completely anxious.
Some of these thoughts are OCD thoughts, but it’s more like my mid has just meshed into a giant glob of worry and sadness. And confusion.
I couldn’t sleep all last week, I was under allot of pressure at work, and before that had actually been feeling better for a while.
But, bam- all the sudden, the insomnia, nothing helped except alcohol, which is a dangerous route, so after 6 nights of no sleep or vodka-induced rest, I called my doc, and had an emergency session.
She gave me Ativan, only 10 days worth, and said to take it at night, and that once I catch up on rest, the anxiety and depression should ease up.
Well, it’s been two days since then, and the stuff certainly helps me relax, though she prescribed 1 mg, and I seem to need 2 mg to really conk out, otherwise, I just sort daze off calmly, but don’t fall asleep.
So, now it’s back to work week, and I am under allot of pressure this week, have to be on top of it.
But, I feel like I’m loosing it-
I mean, I know loosing my ex made me sad and anxious, that makes sense-
BUT NOT TO THIS EXTENT!
I feel like I am loosing my head at times,
I can’t concentrate, and irritable, misread words sometimes, I am constantly tiered, but never relaxed, and I have intense feelings of hopelessness about the future, like this will never go away, then I have inconsolable crying spells, that help me calm down, at least a little.
So, I know this is vague and allot of random info on myself. I should say that I have had phases like this before, though never so persistent or intense. I am really sad, and really afraid. I used to be able to just ride this out, but it feels endless, and I don’t understand why my moods are so uncontrollable.
I am typically a slightly neurotic person, but a happy, playful, intelligent, giggly person, not this train wreck of confusion and deep sadness that I have felt like lately
So, anyone have input on ativan for insomnia?
Does it cause depression too?
And does anyone else with OCD experience severe depression, and can severe depression lead to confusion, ect.?
What should I do…
I want my life back!
This is so hard. 