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    Old 06-12-2007, 11:33 AM   #1
    ohiogent
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    What happens if I do not

    i do not give in..

    give in = check, etc

    i have not given in the last 6 days but i am haunted, tormented with this and the constant repurcussions of me not "fixing" the issue etc

    i wake up with it

    i go to work with it

    it is ALWAYS on my mind

    i actually can feel the burden physically in my body, wearing me down

    if i give in, i say. "it will be the last time.. promise"

    but that has never been true..

    but this time it would really would be the "last" time

    this is the worse i have ever had it

    Last edited by ohiogent; 06-12-2007 at 11:33 AM.

     
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    Old 06-12-2007, 02:07 PM   #2
    seriousperson
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    Re: What happens if I do not

    Six days is a long time to not do something that you are driven to do.
    Hang in there. Eventually it should get easier.

    Your post reads like poetry.

     
    Old 06-12-2007, 02:57 PM   #3
    ohiogent
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    Re: What happens if I do not

    i have tried to keep fighting

    what if it makes me go insane..

    the pressure is great to "fix it"

    oh if i had the wings of a bird, i would fly away from the tempest and storm

    even then i am afraid the torment would follow me, never giving up, never leaving me alone

    i am trying to get a "new" ocd.. if somehow the "new" one would push the old one out.. the old one.. the one now.. the current one is much worse than any other one would be i say..

    what could be worse

    the thing is i was trying to "Fix" a previous ocd attack which prompted the current one

    so much for the "this will be the last time" theory

    what a waste of a life

    i have so much to offer on hand.. but with the ocd, i have barely enough to make it thru the day

    oh if i had the wings of a bird...

     
    Old 06-12-2007, 03:36 PM   #4
    lithenblithe
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    Re: What happens if I do not

    This is not the waste of a life.

    I understand your pain, but it is not worthless, not just a waste. You are fighting to find something better.

    Something better! - not just a "new" ocd. I hope you can find a new path. I am trying to forge a new one, with the help of therapy and reading and learning from others here, one that is not about "fixing" anything.

    You will never have everything right, and neither will I. But I think you can soar, and I think that even now, while you feel mired down, you are valiant. We all are, for living each day not knowing what it will hold and for dealing with the pain and fear we have.

    I am proud of all of us, and my heart soars when I think of it.

    Who can you talk to about this? Try not to carry your burden alone, because it only gets heavier that way. I hope you'll keep posting here. Your words are beautiful.

     
    Old 06-12-2007, 07:28 PM   #5
    ohiogent
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    Re: What happens if I do not

    i had to get out

    force myself to go out

    i find some relief from believe it or not....

    the grocery store

    the isles

    up and down

    looking at all the products

    all the choices

    myriad of choices

    the labels, the brands, the unbelievable choices of flavors, sizes, shapes, variety

    i went up and down each isle

    even isles i knew i would not buy a thing

    just to shop

    to act normal

    to feel normal

    pushing the cart

    seeing families

    children

    families

    together,, laughing, talking, shopping

    the pain seems to be put on hold

    at least for a few minutes

    then i felt this condeming, this finger pointing, this accusation "how can you shop without "Fixing" the object of the ocd attack

    had one of those shopping cards.. try to buy only items on sale.. sort of a challenge, a game, a test.. to save money..

    total came to 78.00.. with the savings and coupon i got in mail.. came to about 53.00... pretty good savings.. and also get 20 cents off a gallon of gas at Get Go gas (giant eagle)

    i felt too normal.. where is the ocd attack.. i am sure it will be back

    but for a few minutes i was able to be normal

    that is all i want.. not some lofty millionaire goal

    but to live in peace

    to walk in peace

    to sleep in peace

    to work in peace

    not to be tormented

    my heart breaks for the pain of all i see and read of trials

    some have it worse

    some mild

    so for 24 hours today, for a half hour i was ok.

    that is a half hour more than yesterday

    i cannot be perfect. i cannot "fix" everything..

    i am worn out..

    when i woke this morning.. i literally felt my mind spinning like a hard drive.. trying to find where my ocd left off. it is like a hard drive crash, in desparate need to be restored from a backup

    i am afraid the backups are corrupted also

    will it ever go away

    i feel like it will literally kill me if i do not give in and :"Fix it"

    i keep telling myself.. if you try and "Fix it".. it will not really be "Fixed"

    something will happen during the "fix" to make it worse

    i need to be rescued from this pit, my feet are slipping

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 08:55 AM   #6
    SUPERANNE
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    Re: What happens if I do not

    I Am Looking For A Good Ocd Psychologist In Fresno And Would Like To Know If You Know Of Anyone Who Can Help. My Boyfriend Has Ocd And I Would Like Someone Who Is Knowledgable In Ocd And Can Actually Help Someone Without Simply Prescribing Drugs.

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 11:56 AM   #7
    lithenblithe
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    Re: What happens if I do not

    I wish you didn't feel this way, ohiogent. My heart is breaking for you, too.

    I've known how you felt - I'll probably be there again. Where just moments of peace are like bittersweet gems in an endless blackened cave.

    I'm glad you are writing here what you are feeling - it gives a voice to all of our darkest times. Do you write for yourself, too, on paper? The things you write are special - something worth keeping. I hope you'll write as you feel better, too. I know you will begin to feel better, little step by little step. That's how it has to come.

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 05:32 PM   #8
    ohiogent
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    Re: What happens if I do not

    bittersweet gems in a darkened cave?

    like a cup of cold water in scorching sun and heat so is a break from the torment of an ocd attack

    nothing else will really do perfect in that sun and heat.. nothing but cold water.

    not even the diverson of grocery shopping was able to quench my desire, my need, my yearning for freedom and normalcy today

    maybe i went to the well once too often, using diversion as healing or therapy or wellness

    not even grocery shopping was able to provide me a respite for the darkness, the island, the gulf, the pain

    how can people be so free? so carefree?

    coming and going, oblivious to the pain around them.

    can i blame them?

    actually i envy them

    went running.. in the hot sun today.. maybe 3.5 miles.. accomplished sending my mom a birthday card which i had in my pocket while i ran to the post office and back.. the post office was closing and wanted to make sure it got out in today's mail.. caught the mail man and asked him if it was too late for my mail to go out. for some reason, i told him i was mailing a birthday card for my mom.. he kind of looked at me as if to wonder why i was telling him that

    my mom deserves better.. oh if my dad was here. he would help me. my mom loves me and her heart is broken to see me like this.. a boy, even a grown man needs hid dad. coming home took my running shoes and socks off and walked in the yard in my bare feet..

    feeling the grass in my toes, the bumps of the ground, even the sharp edges of dirt and imperfections in the earth almost caused me to collapse.. collapse from the memories of walking barefeet brought sweeping back.. along the beach with my dad,, cutting the grass with my dad.. raking with my dad,, weeding with my dad.. my dad is gone but i need him to help me. though how can any person really help me.. no one can get inside my head.. how can medicine help a thought.. how can it change a thought.. what if the thought is correct.. what if the thought should not be "fixed". what if the situation should be "Fixed" and not the thought..

    what if i got this "Fixed".. how risky is this? if i try and fix this. will it get worse? will one bigger replace it.... what if this is the biggest and any other one will be mild. i can live with mild.. mild comes and goes.. one time i had an ocd attack that lasted 2 years.. for 2 years i was obsessed with the health and safety of a family due to my lack of "fixing" something... 2 years.. it aged me many more..

    ocd has robbed me of life

    of friends

    of marriage

    of family

    of income

    of neighbors

    of peace

    of life

    robbed. i have been robbed and the intruder will not leave me alone.. how much does he want.. will he not give up until i die? is that what it takes? death? this certainly is no life.. even if i can make a living during with the hautnting of ocd.. what good is it.. for what.. income made in angst and trevail that never ends.. even my dreams have ocd attacks in the

    When all goodbyes
    Are said and done,
    And nighttime finds you home,
    Are you all right
    To spend a night

    And do you hide
    Between the lines
    Of conversations past?
    A wall of words,
    A heart unheard,
    That hides behind a mask?

    Im raining on the inside;
    My heart wells up with tears that start to pour.
    Im raining on the inside,

    When friends who care
    Cant be there
    To ease away my pain,
    And peace of mind,
    Its hard to find,
    Like sunlight in the rain.

    God sees my heart,
    The deepest part,
    Inside this lonely me,
    And reachin in,
    His love begins
    To heal the heart in me.

    Im raining on the inside;
    Oh, my heart weels up with tears that start to pour.
    Im raining on the inside,


    Sometimes were raining on the inside,
    And our hearts well up with tears that start to pour.

    Sometimes Im raining on the inside,

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 06:28 PM   #9
    lithenblithe
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    Re: What happens if I do not

    I don't know how medicine can change a thought ... but have you tried?

    What if it is your thoughts that need to be changed? You are intelligent, perceptive, but what if you are seeing everything from the wrong angle?

    What if you could regain some of the things you've been robbed of?

    Are you making yourself hurt because of all the pain in the world? You are part of that pain. It hurts me deeply to think of the things you yearn for that you feel you can't have. I wish I could just give them to you on a platter. Because that's exactly what I'd do. I wish it were so simple.

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 07:18 PM   #10
    ohiogent
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    Re: What happens if I do not

    your words are so kind, so gentle, so uncondemning, so respectful, so accepting.. accepting of who i am while at the same time challenging and motivating

    i feel if i "give in" and get this ocd "fix".. well that is what i call it.. an ocd "Fix".. like a drug user, the pain is alleviated with a "fix", even though the continued drug use makes it worse

    i am not in any ways belitteling that person or casting stones at that person.. as i have walls made of glass myself, perhaps differnent kind of walls but made of glass still......

    but i am not enjoying the "Fix".... see there is a differerence.. the drug "Fix"... as we know is not a fix at all.. but there, as much as it is wrong, some element of enjoyment in the drug "Fix",, even though it is dangerous and harmful..

    i do not enjoy the ocd "Fix".. what are fixes.. to some it may be

    - washing one more time

    - checking the lock one more time

    - seeking assurance, one more time

    - driving over the same area in the car, one more time

    - closing the door, one more time

    - or......................... one more time

    - or..........................one more time

    but is it it ever "one more time"

    is it ever "this will be the last time"

    is it ever true that the ocd "Fix" will be the last time?

    does it feed a ravenous beast?

    does the "Fix" make the next ocd attack worse, bigger, stronger?

    even if it does, which i believe it does, it will get me thru this one

    get me thru this ocd attack

    funny in a way i used to have trouble driving.. i would turn around and go from one exit on the highway to the next, get back on the way i was coming, and go over the area

    over

    and over

    and over again

    a 15 minute trip would take three hours

    i would be late for work

    arriving exhausted, worn out, beat

    and still not sure the trip did not leave me hitting someone, i would call the police and ask if there was someone hit on the highway

    even their response of no, no report of that was not good enough

    it is never good enough

    there is never assurance enough

    never

    how can a mind get like this

    what makes it worse is the ability to see how distorted thinking it is

    but there is a chance.............. we say

    a chance.. disease will come if we do not wash one more time

    a chance.. the door is not locked, even though i am careful

    a chance.. the house will burn down..

    a chance.. i hit someone on the road, even though i am careeful

    sure there is a chance

    but with normal precautions.. the chances are small......

    but there is a chance

    what if do not get this current issued "fixed"

    does it matter what it is?

    in some ways, no

    in some ways, yes

    yes if it is real

    no if it is ocd

    is it real

    is it ocd

    is it real

    is it memorex

    as a high quality tape, c.d. reproduction can be hard to tell from the real thing

    sometimes for me, it is hard, very hard for me to tell if my struggle i am in, the struggle i am facing, the struggle that wears me out

    is it real

    or is it ocd

    if it is real, then it needs fixing i say

    if it is ocd, then there is nothing to fix

    how long can this go on

    i cannot do a two year one

    i can't

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 10:10 PM   #11
    seriousperson
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    Re: What happens if I do not

    I'm imagining me with a shopping cart, racing down the aisle, the cart is empty, I go faster and faster until I take flight like the cicadas that glide among the trees.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 09:30 AM   #12
    lithenblithe
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    Re: What happens if I do not

    You're right - there is always a chance, and drugs won't take away that chance. Do you feel you'd be denying the truth, or ignoring it, by taking drugs?

    I can't change the world and take away the chances, but I am angry with what chances have done to you, and to all of us. Because we all seize onto a chance, and we can't ignore it, like the rest of the world does, like the people at the grocery store, just going about their lives.

    It is a weighty burden, to be so aware of the chances, especially because so few others are. Could you bear to join their ranks? To be someone who doesn't think about the chances?

    Even if we think of every possibility, every chance, in life, we are bound to make mistakes, big and small. That is the price of being human. Are you trying to prevent mistakes by your "fixes"?

    What if mistakes happen whether everything is fixed or not? What if mistakes are ok? What if you could be the same caring, aware person you are now, but without worrying about endless chances?

    I wish that being human were different than it is, that it were less messy. And I wish you didn't have to be so burdened by how messy it is. Most kids play in the mud, spill things, stain their shirts - they're in a continual mess. But we certainly don't love them any less, it only makes us love them more.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 11:01 AM   #13
    ohiogent
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    Re: What happens if I do not

    i am back at home base

    square one

    where i started

    i look back, even on this site.. i posted the last few days.. before that i think it was years ago.. and asking the same question

    what if i do not "Give in"

    what if i do not get a "Fix"..

    just an aside,, i take no illegal drugs.. i just have adopted that term, get a "fix" as to an ocd "fix" (giving in)

    but what did i expect

    what was maybe not expecting

    that is too demanding

    but what was i hoping

    clinging to

    searching for

    by posting here

    if i can say it and be bold about it.. someone to tell me exactly what to do to get well...

    whether it be "yes, give in, even if it is bad short term" vs it destroying you

    or.. no, by all means.. do not give in.. it will make it worse

    there is nothing anybody can say to make me well

    i realize that now

    but you know. i realized that before i posted

    i was still hoping..

    still praying

    still with a glimmer of hope that i could be made well

    i was invited to a lunch, a business networking lunch.. where the group needed a CPA. the i invite came from a client that wanted me in the group and thought that highly of my work.. i almost ............ almost told her.... at the meeting.........."it is very kind and thoughtful and it means a lot for you to think of my work in such regards as to refer me to your friends and colleagues.. but you know.... even when i am sitting here, i am being tormented by horrific ocd.. i better just excuse myself.. thanks for having me "

    i was able to make it through the meeting but barely

    everyone at the table.. all sharp.. all bright.. all focused.. chatting.. laughing,.... discussing plans. their families.... and i am like thinking.. should i get this ocd fix.. should i give in. i cannot check now.. it is impossible to get that fix here.. i need my computer.. i need to check,, i need to leave.. i need to run.. i need to flee

    15 people..

    bankers

    construction

    insurance

    mortgage people

    advertising people

    all normal people.. even though i know they all have issues.. i bet, almost guarantee. none tormented by ocd

    i can tell.. no one can tormented so and not show signs of it

    for short periods of time, sure.. that can be done.. an hour at a big meeting..

    does anyone know what it is like to have this obsession. an obsession never to leave.. i mean never

    24 hours a day.. to have this replay in your mind

    whatever the obsession is

    actually it is the C part of the OCD

    the compulsion

    or maybe a combition of the two


    but the C part..

    do it

    fix it

    fix it

    fix it

    check

    check

    call

    email

    email

    tell them

    help them

    save them

    you have to

    their live is at risk

    eternal life

    if you fail, it is your fault


    it is your responsibility

    how can you even think of having a nice dinner with this out there

    how can you even thinjk of taking a break with this task you are not doing

    how can you even deserve to breathe and live and walk without fullfilling this

    how can you think of living with this out there

    am i the only one that lives this way

    oh i know there are compulsions others have

    to wash

    wash again

    and again

    but even then it is not 24 hours a day

    i am not looking for sympathy

    i am looking for rescue line

    a lifeline

    a way out

    24 hours a day, i have this tape in my head

    do it

    do it

    do it

    if you don't then...........


    if you don't then.............

    it is your fault if you don't

    it is your fault if you don't

    24 hours a day

    one day it was 23.5 hours

    if that is a reason to celebrate , may as well call the party off

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 03:33 PM   #14
    lithenblithe
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    Re: What happens if I do not

    I get the feeling that you would resist help that someone offered. Your feelings are so strong. It is hard to pull someone away from feelings so strong.

    I want to shake you by the shoulders, and tell you - go see a therapist and a doctor as soon as you can! Do whatever it takes to get an appointment! Be open, bare, honest, and listen in the same way.

    You *should not* have to deal with this for 24 hours a day. And you do not have to, either. With 100% of myself, I know there is an alternative for you, and I know that you don't have to live as you are.

    But I feel like I need to have the perfect words, the perfect message, to convince you even a little bit. I'm afraid that if I don't say just the right thing, you'll dismiss everything and decide our help, any help, is worthless.

    I don't have the perfect words, and I probably don't have the lifeline you were hoping for. But I want you to do something. I want you to give something a try. I don't want you to give in, but I don't want you to live in torment, either. You have to find a third way, and to find that third way, you have to ask for help from someone else. Find someone who understands OCD, who has some idea of what you're carrying every day. Please.

    You are so valuable, and I think you know how much this ocd has taken away from you and from the others who love and could love you. I want you to find the lifeline, to see a way out. You do deserve that. I can see so clearly how much you deserve it. Don't you want to see that, too?

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 04:31 PM   #15
    ohiogent
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    Re: What happens if I do not

    a third way?

    one way = give in, maybe.. maybe it brings relief... sets me up bigger for the next time maybe.. no guarantee "giving in" will actually "fix" this ocd.. in the past, sometimes getting a "Fix" actually made a bigger ocd attack..

    so one way = has potential.. not guaranteed to work,.. may make it worse

    not a great sounding choice but has some potential

    second way = resist the attack with down side of more unrelenting torment and anguish.. will it burn out? i learned the hard way that they just don't always "go away or burn out".. i know first hand they can torment for days, weeks, months.. and yes, gulp, years

    third way = another way

    beautiful words, even though i tried many "third way.. even though i tried so often.. they are beautiful words..

    a third way,, another way.... another way another way, a third way

    those are very compassionate and empathetic and caring words, .. i know you, nor does anyone have "perfect words": to fix me and the exacting, perfection i am seeking i think is in me... not others

    your engaging me and hearing me meant a lot, even though it may not "Fix me", it still meant a lot to me

    i know i can be exasperating

    i exasperate myslelf

    Last edited by ohiogent; 06-14-2007 at 04:33 PM.

     
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