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    Old 02-27-2008, 06:16 AM   #1
    QZZ
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    Join Date: Nov 2007
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    QZZ HB User
    Unhappy Need some help

    Does anyone



    1) Fear of hurting someone or wanting to, like becoming some pyschotic serial killer?
    2) Feel distant from loved ones because of this fear?
    3) Fear that since your anxiety is not much much worse (like in previous episodes) it may mean maybe you are getting closer to accepting this, wanting to do it, then acting on it?
    4) Fear you are loosing your mind and turning into someone else, someone pyschotic that will take over the personality you have known your entire life?
    5) things that used to give you pleasure dont anymore because you are so worried about your episode?
    6) Scared to be alone sometimes with people in fear you may loose your mind and act on something?
    7) emotions feel diminished at times which scares you more.


    Now, my entire life I have had OCD... When I was younger if I saw a show on suicide I would be scared I would commit suicide even though I had no intentions of doing it and didnt want to die. I was just afraid that I would from watching the show. Then I saw a show where a father was abusing his kids and I was afraid I would do that when I had kids. Mind you This was all before I was 12 probably.

    Then serial killers for some reason were all over the television and I started fixating on that. So that has been my OCD for about 15 years. It was always just Obsession and ritual. for instance, If I sneezed and thought of a serial killer's face that I saw on TV I'd have anxiety until I could make myself sneeze again and think of something else. Or if in my head I had a mental vision of me being inside a serial killer's house I would have to imagine leaving the house and getting away to a beach far away or something (rather then just think of something else) without that ritual I guess I thought i would still be in the house in my mind or something. My worst was orgasm, If something like that popped into my head at that point I would have intense anxiety until I could do it again and think of something good. this took some time because it was hard to not think of it when ur trying not to. And since that is pleasure I didnt want to have that associated with something sick.

    Now of course the one specific serial killer I have always fixated on was the ost evil person I could imagine. I wont get into the details, i dont want to trigger anyone. But he was all over the news in the 90's and still mentioned at times. the things he did were just unimaginable. Another one of my OCD traits that is bad is a thought of me being him, like my face looks like him and i am looking out of his glasses or something pops in and I have to imagine getting out and being me again because that freaks me out SO bad. I always would get a spike if I saw a picture of him or something or on myspace I saw someone had a crime scene photo in black and white of his victim, which needless to say screwed me up for a bit. anyway, since I was younger I have been dealing with this and just recently (few years ago) realized this was OCD. And it made me feel so much better that I could put a name to it.

    But just a few months ago I had an actual spike. To the point where I thought I was going nuts. I began to fear I may become like these people and start doing these things. this caused my anxiety to go in overdrive. I had the derealization, not sleeping, constant negative thoughts, etc. Finally I went to the doctor and he said it was anxiety, which made me feel better that I knew it was something other then me going nuts.

    So, about a month later I felt back to normal. Didnt need my xanax or anything, just taking my ssri every morning. I was still doing my OCD like i have since i was little. But I was so used to that I didnt care. As long as I didnt have the thoughts of harming someone or anything i didnt mind just doing normal OCD.

    But a few days ago I saw something that triggered my OCD to be a bit more prominent. Then that went into me being afraid of becoming like these people again.

    So, now I am all over the place again. I talked to my doctor and I upped my ssri.

    I am just so afraid I am going to become a horrible monster that would do these things.

    Now I know I would never do these things, but the fear is still there.

    I am afraid that I might want to or afraid I will snap one day and just slip into a pyschosis that will make me a different person who could do these things.

    Like I imagine myself doing horrible things to try and prove to myself I could never do that. but I dont really feel anything when I think it. It just causes anxiety. I know the simple fact that I am on here and talking about it and talking to my doctor proves that I am not a going to do these things, because If i wanted to i wouldnt be upset about it. But then I think what if they felt this way an one day gave in or something like that.

    I just want to be normal again and be able to relax and love everyone around me without fearing I will hurt them or something. I want to go back to how I always have been. I know there are people that feel the same as me, but I somehow convince myself that what I am going through is different or worse and I am the only one dealing with it. I guess that is my OCD too. I got through my last spike that was very bad, so i know ill get through this one too. My anxiety is nowhere near my last one, which scares me. Because if my anxiety was worse I would know I was really bothered by it. But since it is not as bad I am afraid maybe I am becoming okay with it or something. which I know doesnt make sense, because it should be a good thing, plus I am on my meds that are helping me not ge to that point.

    I also notice that when I am feeling like this, my OCD as far as rituals goes away completely. if I think of something I care less about it. I am so worried about becoming this person and so worried about harming someone that that is what I am fixated on and scared about so I dont bother to care about the regular everyday OCD stuff.

    I dont know. I just wanted to know that there were others out there that are going through the same thing. And I wanted to be reassured (I know thats OCD) that I am not going to go insane and become the next serial killer or something.

    I just feel freaked out because this is something different from the typical OCD things, so it is hard to find people who are going through it and who know what it is like and who can share advice.

    just wanted to see if anyone could relate?

    thanks and I am so sorry it was long. Needed to talk about it.

     
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    Old 02-27-2008, 08:23 AM   #2
    coffeelady
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    Join Date: Feb 2008
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    Re: Need some help

    I feel exactly like what you listed at the start. you are not alone.

    Last edited by coffeelady; 02-27-2008 at 08:23 AM.

     
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