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    Old 10-17-2008, 07:06 PM   #1
    itwillbeokay
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    Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    Hello. I haven't posted here before, but I've read a lot of your posts on ROCD and they've helped me a lot in the past - thanks! Sorry, this is long-ish.

    I've been together with my partner for several years and a few months ago we got engaged. When I'm not in a bad space, I think that we're a good match and that I love him..but right now I'm in a bad space. I've had OCD type issues for years, with various spikes (HOCD, illness, pregnancy, etc.) Anyway...we found a house that we loved and felt we couldn't pass up, so he bought it, with the plan that we'd eventually get married and live there together. He didn't officially "ask" me to marry him because he knew I was freaking out about it (mucho anxiety). Then I decided it was crazy to not move forward in my life (I'm late 30s), so I asked him and he said of course. I freaked out for a day or two, but then for a couple of months, I mostly felt really good about the decision and happy we were getting married. When we bought a ring for me, I had a few bad days of sadness/anxiety, but bounced back... but in the past couple of weeks, I've been having a really hard time. I feel very anxious and weepy and I've been a total b*tch to him. I feel like I'm obsessed with his negative characteristics and can't keep my mind on the positives. I worry about his thinning hair, that I'm becoming less attracted to him, that he doesn't shave enough, that his house is a mess and about his work habits. And while it's true that he's rather slobbish, and he rolls into work at a late hour and yes, his hair is thinning, the fact is that he has a good job where he's *allowed* to have flexible hours and he just stays late to put in his hours, he's kind and intelligent and funny, with similar values to me. I feel that I'm being very critical of him and I know that's really bad for a relationship. When I complain about all of his "shortcomings" to him, he just calmly says "well, do you want to divorce me? You can divorce me up until we get married, but after that, you can't". Of course, that causes me to spike big time, because then I start questioning myself all over again "do I really want to marry him??"

    We're in the middle of renovating this house which has been very stressful for various reasons, so I'm aware that this extra stress could be kicking in my rocd, but I'm back to the age old question of what if these are things that should keep me from marrying him?? A recurring theme in my relationships has been "what if I can/should find someone better??!" "What if I'm settling and he's not good enough for me? Maybe that's why I'm feeling so anxious and uncertain!" I hate it. I know I don't always feel like this, but right now I feel like I will never be really happy in a relationship. I'm terrified of getting married and remaining this anxious and having to leave him. I don't want to hurt him. And I don't want to be the screw-up that can't get her act together and settle down. Like I've heard so many people on here say "I just want to be normal and happy!" Ugh. It just sucks. Do any of you with ROCD have the sad feeling, along with anxiety when you are in a relationship that is getting more intimate? I've had it in past relationships too, and used to think it meant there was something I needed to pay attention to, that I really needed to get out of the relationship, but more recently I've been thinking it's OCD.

    If you've made it this far, thanks for listening. Any advice from ROCD'ers who are getting married, are thinking of it, or are married, much appreciated!

     
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    Old 11-01-2008, 04:04 PM   #2
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    Re: Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    Hi there,

    Well I am not getting married, BUT I definately can relate. I am extremely obsessive about my relationship. You said that you have had obsessive thoughts in previous relationships, then thought it was something to pay attention to. I used to think that too. I have been obsessed with having/being in a relationship since I don't know how long. My current relationship causes MUCH doubt and stress. I have obsessive thoughts about my BF. Anyways, yes I can relate saying that because of this I feel that a relationship will never be a sure thing for me. I also have been avoiding thoughts of marriage because I just think it would be way to hard for me with the OCD. I don't know if I will marry my BF...that being said, I am too scared. I give you a lot of credit-seems like you are following your heart. We ALL have our flaws. Your fiance does, you do, I do, ect. OCD is a form of anxiety. Sometimes I get so upset about my thoughts that I can't eat. Everytime my BF does something nice or intimate for me, I feel terrible because of my negative thoughts and feelings sometimes. As I read in an article about OCD-although so hard...sometimes we just have to say I'll live with the doubt. Easier freakin said than done! I feel like I just rambled but I definately can say I know how this all feels!!!!

    seekcalmness

     
    Old 11-02-2008, 10:09 AM   #3
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    Re: Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    Hello
    I can also relate to this, I also am not getting married, but have had simialr thoughts about my partner. I have had anxiety and depression and am also wondering whether it borders OCD. I obsess about my boyfriend and whether I am happy or not and whether I really love him or I am just telling him that, I analyse everything I say and he says and it is like there is something in my head that keeps telling me not to be happy, yet I know I would be unhappy without him. It is something I have to deal with everyday and so if anyone has any suggestions or ideas on this, please let me know!

     
    Old 11-03-2008, 06:55 AM   #4
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    Re: Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    Thanks - it's always good to hear that others are experiencing or have experienced the same thing. I was going to post this week to say that it's shifted for for me again (yay OCD!). I'm on a really low dose of Lexapro (5 mg). When I realized that I was really OCD'ing and getting all tied up in a knot about my partner's flaws and our relationship, I decided to increase the dose to 7.5 mg. Actually what did it for me was when, after about 2 weeks of crying and bitching at my fiance about him, our relationship, everything, he said "you know, it seems like you're having one giant panic attack". Within about 5 days of increasing the dose, I was in a much better space. It's really quite amazing. Now, it's possible that it's just the regular waxing and waning of OCD, but it really does seem related to the dose increase. I think I'll stay on the increased dose until we actually GET married!

    To those of you experiencing the joys of rocd....hang in there. It will not ALWAYS feels so horrible, and you will have better times too. But I totally understand. It can feel like such a heavy weight when you are just trying to live your life and be happy and you are being pulled down by all of these disturbing feelings and thoughts. The one thing that does work for me, other than SSRI's, apparently, is to adopt a shrug-it-off mentality. When I find myself obsessing about something, or having a thought/feeling that upsets me, I just mentally shrug and saying "it's okay to feel that", as nonchalantly as possible. Then I redirect my attention to something else. Over time, it really works to retrain your brain. These thoughts and feelings are normal for everyone...it's just the obsessing about them that isn't. Hang in there, people!

     
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    Old 11-04-2008, 11:21 AM   #5
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    Re: Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    Thanks for your reply and I am glad to hear you are doing a little better with your OCD and also pleased to hear that you are pesevering and not letting it get the better of you! You mention about accepting the anxiety and I have read a lot on that too recently, the more you accept it the more it relaxes and so I am giving this a go, it is hard though and sometimes I feel very emotional when it gets the better of me.

     
    Old 11-06-2008, 07:11 AM   #6
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    Re: Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    That's great, Emm, that you're giving the "accepting the anxiety" thing a try. It really works, when you stick with it. I've used it for other types of obsessive thoughts, as well, with great success. This may sound weird, but it can actually be sort of fun...every time you feel anxiety or think an upsetting thought, you can see it as an opportunity to get over this thing. Just mentally shrug it off...say "oh whatever" or "It's no big deal to feel that", etc. The subconscious is a tricky thing, but it's very train-able, once you know what to do! Good luck!

     
    Old 11-10-2008, 06:44 AM   #7
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    Re: Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    Yes thanks I have been trying this method and it seems to help, I am determined to not let it beat me. When I have any thoughts now, I just say to myself that it is normal and ok, are you feeling better?

     
    Old 12-08-2008, 05:35 PM   #8
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    Re: Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    Second time trying to post this now. Lets see if it works. I just wanted to tell you "ITWILLBEOK" that I have and are going through the exact same thing you are to the T. It's so stressful, to be happy one moment and or think you are in a good place and this stupidness gets all in my head and i can't get rid of bit. I try to tell myself that it will be ok, and that it will go away, but the doubts come 10 times worst. I'm also getting married and I dont know if that planning triggered it. But i feel like crap. If you want to reply, please feel free to do so, maybe we can be of assistance to each other to come past the nasty cycle of ROCD.

    Last edited by moderator2; 12-09-2008 at 12:00 PM.

     
    Old 01-02-2009, 10:44 PM   #9
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    Re: Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    Thanks, A & T,

    How are you doing these days? Sorry you're having to deal with this. It just sucks, doesn't it? I'm having a hard time again. I've become obsessed with the idea that my fiance has ADHD and it's really upsetting me and hurting him. The thing is, I think he probably does have it, even though he denies the symptoms...and it explains a lot of things that have been baffling to me in our relationship. But it's dawning on me that my brain is making it a HUGE thing. Main clue: constant rumination about it. My mind has gotten hooked on the idea that maybe it's too much to deal with, and since he's in denial, maybe we shouldn't get married. So, I feel stuck in this horrible limbo land where we're supposed to be planning a wedding and I'm constantly obsessing about whether I should marry him or not! I feel like a terrible person Ah...it's so hard sometimes to differentiate between real problems and OCD induced obsessive problems. Yuck. Anyway, as usual, any advice or thoughts appreciated. A & T, can you give any more specifics on how your ROCD affects you? Take care!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Anxiousandtired View Post
    Second time trying to post this now. Lets see if it works. I just wanted to tell you "ITWILLBEOK" that I have and are going through the exact same thing you are to the T. It's so stressful, to be happy one moment and or think you are in a good place and this stupidness gets all in my head and i can't get rid of bit. I try to tell myself that it will be ok, and that it will go away, but the doubts come 10 times worst. I'm also getting married and I dont know if that planning triggered it. But i feel like crap. If you want to reply, please feel free to do so, maybe we can be of assistance to each other to come past the nasty cycle of ROCD.

     
    Old 01-05-2009, 09:17 PM   #10
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    Re: Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    Hey!!
    I'm still having a rough time, it's less than before, but still there. I constantly look at him and say: Do I love him? do i found him attractive? I'm supposed to get married in may and I'm so anxious about this that I dont know what to do. I was fine a month ago , planning things, now it's like Do i really want to do this? maybe this is reoccurring because i don't want to be with him. And it's like my mind tries to find reasons why i don't love him, more than reasons why I do. And i tried to stop and/or let them just pass, but it's like my mind keeps looking for something to make me believe that I don't love him and I don't want to be with him. And then I convince myself and I say Ok, i don't love him, I have to leave, maybe i'm just settling...I had to stop watching soap operas (as funny as that maybe) because they were increasing my anxiety. When I'm OK i can watch them, but not when I'm like this. I can't even watch love movies because then I start comparing. Then I look at my fiance and say, DO I LOVE HIM ? IS HE ATTRACTIVE? OH JEEZ HE HAS THIS WRONG WITH HIM and that wrong with him, and all this other stuff. Then my anxiety goes up. Then i go maybe it's not ROCD, maybe this is really how I feel. I don't know,,its so confusing............................... .....







    Quote:
    Originally Posted by itwillbeokay View Post
    Thanks, A & T,

    How are you doing these days? Sorry you're having to deal with this. It just sucks, doesn't it? I'm having a hard time again. I've become obsessed with the idea that my fiance has ADHD and it's really upsetting me and hurting him. The thing is, I think he probably does have it, even though he denies the symptoms...and it explains a lot of things that have been baffling to me in our relationship. But it's dawning on me that my brain is making it a HUGE thing. Main clue: constant rumination about it. My mind has gotten hooked on the idea that maybe it's too much to deal with, and since he's in denial, maybe we shouldn't get married. So, I feel stuck in this horrible limbo land where we're supposed to be planning a wedding and I'm constantly obsessing about whether I should marry him or not! I feel like a terrible person Ah...it's so hard sometimes to differentiate between real problems and OCD induced obsessive problems. Yuck. Anyway, as usual, any advice or thoughts appreciated. A & T, can you give any more specifics on how your ROCD affects you? Take care!

     
    Old 01-26-2009, 03:12 PM   #11
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    Re: Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    Hi Everyone,

    I am new to this sight but not to OCD. I am also engaged and worry about the same types of things that you are all feeling. I struggle everyday with OCD and worrying about whether I love my fiance or not. I have worried about this since we have gotten together. Every once in a while I have a totally calm feeling and I feel like everything is ok and I am in the right place. I refer to it as my "moment of clarity." Does anyone experience anything like this? Reading your postings makes me feel like I am not alone with these thought.

    Shopgirl36

     
    Old 02-01-2009, 10:09 AM   #12
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    Re: Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    Hey Shopgirl. Welcome : ) Yes, I have that too. I can go from feeling totally content and happy with my fiance and all the getting married stuff on one day to feeling like "oh no, what am I doing?" on the next. I start to feel sort of blah and sad and then I start to think "maybe it's because he's not right for me....I should feel butterflies when I'm around him", etc, etc (after 4 years together-ha!) I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that this is just how my brain works. Oh yeah, and we just moved in to the house we bought together - talk about a trigger!! Yikes. But we're planning for a May wedding, too. If I was with someone else, I'm pretty sure I'd have the exact same issues and this is a good man. Not perfect, but good hearted. I'm just not willing to live the rest of my life in fear that I'm making the wrong decision. I'm in my late 30s and it's time to face my fears and move forward. We have a nice little life planned and I want to enjoy it : ) Good luck and hang in there! Let us know how you're doing, both Shopgirl and A&T.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by shopgirl36 View Post
    Hi Everyone,

    I am new to this sight but not to OCD. I am also engaged and worry about the same types of things that you are all feeling. I struggle everyday with OCD and worrying about whether I love my fiance or not. I have worried about this since we have gotten together. Every once in a while I have a totally calm feeling and I feel like everything is ok and I am in the right place. I refer to it as my "moment of clarity." Does anyone experience anything like this? Reading your postings makes me feel like I am not alone with these thought.

    Shopgirl36

     
    Old 02-03-2009, 03:57 PM   #13
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    Re: Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    I am new to this board and i am the exact same way and i would love to talk

     
    Old 02-03-2009, 05:54 PM   #14
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    Re: Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    your message makes me feel like I am not alone. And that is wonderful. Although at the same time I know how ugly it is to feel like this. I am also new to this site but not OCD.I was diagnosed about 4 years ago with harm OCD it was a total nightmare I thought I was going nuts and even checked into the hospital and I feel like i haven't been the same since. It sucks and is very depressing. I am also engaged. We have a son together, he is 7 months old and another baby on the way. I too struggle daily with do I really love my fiance or for that matter even like him... that's so god aweful. I too have worried about this from day one and that sucks.... it started off with do i even like him. Is that how it was with you? I too everyonce in a while will have a calm feeling like this is good I can do this... we can do this. My fiance and I have a ton of pressure to get married quickly and this has set my anxiety off. I am so affraid of marriage! And to be honest with you it wouldn't matter if the pressure was there or not. Do you ever feel like or wonder if you are lying to yourself. I read some peoples post and they will say i know taht deap down i do love my SO and it just makes me think I dont have that and that scares me. Do you have that? So for all of the questions just nice to know someone else is in the same boat. Do you talk to you fiance, family or friends about this? What do they say. Do you ever truely panic over this?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by shopgirl36 View Post
    Hi Everyone,

    I am new to this sight but not to OCD. I am also engaged and worry about the same types of things that you are all feeling. I struggle everyday with OCD and worrying about whether I love my fiance or not. I have worried about this since we have gotten together. Every once in a while I have a totally calm feeling and I feel like everything is ok and I am in the right place. I refer to it as my "moment of clarity." Does anyone experience anything like this? Reading your postings makes me feel like I am not alone with these thought.

    Shopgirl36

     
    Old 02-05-2009, 12:58 PM   #15
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    Re: Getting Married and Freaking Out - Relationship OCD??

    Hi Hopeful : )

    Yes, I have the same thing. I read about all these people on here who say "I know deep down I love my SO"...and that just triggers me to think "but DO I??" I know there are times when I feel that, but if you asked me right now, truthfully, I don't know. I talk to my mother sometimes about it. She *sort of* gets it, but not really. I talk to my fiance in general terms about "OCD about our relationship", but I never say "sometimes I don't know if I even love you". I feel like it would be too hurtful. So, it all brings me back to making a choice to do this, whatever is going on with my feelings. Sometimes that seems like a good idea, sometimes I don't know! Do you talk to your fiance and family/friends about it all?

    Hang in there! There are many others experiencing the exact same things that you are.

    Do you ever feel like or wonder if you are lying to yourself. I read some peoples post and they will say i know taht deap down i do love my SO and it just makes me think I dont have that and that scares me. Do you have that? So for all of the questions just nice to know someone else is in the same boat. Do you talk to you fiance, family or friends about this? What do they say. Do you ever truely panic over this?[/QUOTE]

     
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