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  • Obsessed with my husband's past... advice please



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    Old 08-29-2009, 08:12 AM   #1
    PAUSA
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    Obsessed with my husband's past... advice please

    Hey everyone... I'm hoping that you can give me some advice or help me out at least a little bit with this one.

    My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 5. I was 17 when we started dating and he was 19. Anyway, our relationship from the beginning was full of ups and downs and I think that has helped to lead us to where we are now, or at least where I am now with everything. He told me a lot of things about before we were together when we first started dating and then now if I ask him he tells me that he was dumb and doesn't know why he said any of that stuff because it wasn't true. I'll never have any way of knowing for sure I guess, but I'm absolutely obsessed with it!! He told me once that he had sex on the beach so now when we go to the beach I get annoyed and uncomfortable and don't really want him to touch me at all and it's so frustrating because I LOVE the beach. He denies that he ever did anything like that and has no idea he said why he said that in the first place. I get obsessed over past girlfriends and now I'm on this quest to somehow get his exes yearbooks so that I can read what he wrote in them. It's crazy behavior, I know it is, but I don't know how to stop it or what to do. He travels a lot for his job and I'm a stay at home mom so I'm always worrying when he's away that he's drinking or hooking up with other people. I just feel like I'm missing out on enjoying so much because I'm so obsessed with his past. I think about it all the time. At least a few times a day. Last year I didn't talk to him for a week because when we moved into our new house I found old things of his from High School and they had to do with his ex girlfriends. We can be out alone or with friends and I'll think of something and immediately be in a bad mood. It's giving me anxiety and I'm stressed out a lot and I feel like I pull away from him because of my insecurities with his past. This is really bugging me, I've talked to councelor after councelor to try to help and nothing seems to work. I don't show any of this in front of our son because I don't want it to worry him so I put on a happy face when we do family things, but on the inside I'm so annoyed with my husband that I can't hardly stand it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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    Old 08-31-2009, 12:35 PM   #2
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    Re: Obsessed with my husband's past... advice please

    [QUOTE=PAUSA;4067090] He told me once that he had sex on the beach so now when we go to the beach I get annoyed and uncomfortable and don't really want him to touch me at all and it's so frustrating because I LOVE the beach. He denies that he ever did anything like that and has no idea he said why he said that in the first place.


    there's a word for what he's doing.....it's called gaslighting....there's even a book called the gaslight effect. it's when someone tries to get you to doubt your own perception of reality. You know he told you he had sex on the beach once....now he's telling you he never said that.....he's trying to make it seem like you're crazy, you're imagining things.......
    you're not crazy.....your gut instinct is telling you not to trust him, not to believe him.....

     
    Old 09-02-2009, 07:27 PM   #3
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    Re: Obsessed with my husband's past... advice please

    sweetie, everyone has been there- its called jealousy and its not your husbands problem but YOURS. I know that is blunt and I am sorry but u have to look at it for what it is in order to move past this. I want to say I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL. Its a bad feeling! but you can learn from these crazy destructive feelings- you can. but first you need to recognize that you have issues with your self-esteem and are insecure. secondly, you need to stop punishing your husband for YOUR insecurities. I am not saying do not talk to him- PLEASE TALK TO HIM but start it out with... this is my stuff, and I am gonna get past it, I may need your assurance here and there. AND you will get past it- you will. everyone has a past- I am sure you were with someone or liked someone before u met your husband- that doesnt change how you feel about him- does it? as for the beach- okay, he had sex on the beach, well know he is with you- SHE IS LONG GONE-so you and him have sex on the beach. CUZ its you and him now- not him and whoever. so dont stress, your feelings are NORMAL being exaggerated by OCD of course, but your gonna move past this

     
    Old 09-03-2009, 03:56 AM   #4
    PAUSA
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    Re: Obsessed with my husband's past... advice please

    Thanks for both of your replies. I know that they are my issues and that I'm not secure in our relationship, but I feel like its mainly because practically EVERYTHING he told me when we first started dating he says is now not true. It's just so inconsistent that it drives me nuts and I think, wow, if he can't tell me the truth about the past then how am I supposed to believe/trust him now. I highly doubt that he does anything behind my back that I'd be upset about as far as cheating or anything along those lines, but the flip flopping of stories really bugs me. If I ask him anything about it now he gets mad and says that it doesn't matter and he was 19 when he said that stuff and he made it up because he thought it was cool, but now he realizes it wasn't cool and he doesn't know why he said it in the first place and I need to get over it. I guess one of the big things is that when I was 17 I didn't think the things he said he did were a huge deal. Maybe I did, but I was just so into being with him that it didn't matter that much. Now that I'm 25 I'm like, hmmmm, maybe that isn't the kind of person I should've been with because now its causing me all this stress, but I know that I'm letting it bother me when it's 9 years behind us. I really don't know what to do, I'm just so upset It seems like he hides a lot from me about what happened back them because he knows how I'll react, but I remember a lot of what he has told me before and it upsets me just as much. This is so frustrating!!

    As far as the "gaslighting" thing, that is kinda how I feel. He tells me something and then says I never said that or I can't believe you'd remember that, who cares or what difference does it make, but it's mainly that he says if I said that I don't know why because it never happened or its not true. Ugh, I'm just really so annoyed.
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