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  • Jealousy...Selfishness...Depression???



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    Old 06-13-2002, 05:30 PM   #1
    Eve-E
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    Post Jealousy...Selfishness...Depression???

    A while back I was diagnosed with OCD. I do tend to check things and have counting rituals but this is very minor. My biggest problem lies in the personal, intimiate relationships I have.

    For example, when I started dating my fiance I would become overly annoyed if he commented on someone being nice looking..even a family member.

    Now, 4 years later his whole life is on shutdown b/c of him trying to cater to my problems. I don't want to go into a book on how my issues progressed over time but here is a summary...
    My fiance cannot watch any movies with any female nudity in them at all. I scan any movie (he does too) for any nudity before he views the movie...even if it's a PG 13 movie.

    If a family member calls him I ask him question after question when he is through talking. I must know almost everything that is said & always ask him if a female was brought up.

    It's a major problem for him to visit his family without me (even though I'm very close to his family) b/c I'm paranoid that someone is going to bring up a female such as...isn't Person X pretty? Do you think Person X is nice looking? Plus, I worry about the TV being on and someone having something on that I would have a problem with.

    I become extremely frustrated and get in a rage (talking to myself, cursing, etc...) if my fiance is away for over 10 minutes such as downstairs or on the phone where I can't hear the conversation, talking to someone (most of the time a family member b/c friends don't call him)

    When he works he has to call me thought the day & everytime he calls I ask him if he has spoken to anyone..if he's working with someone or comes in contact with someone I always ask if the person mentioned or made any comments about any female.

    Every day of my life is a mental struggle. I'm constantly comparing myself to other females, CONSTANTLY asking my fiance if he is attracted to another woman or if he finds a woman attractive or better looking than me.

    We cannot even watch a movie without me questioning him about someone. If he ven says a 5 yr. old girl is pretty I take it to another level comparing the 5 yr. old with an adult who looks similar. He once told me he has a cousin whose nice looking and I questioned him the whole day asking if he found her prettier than me.

    He is a great person and has been supportive but this is really affecting our lives. All I do is worry about him feeling a certain way about another female (even the ones on TV) I guess this is where the obsessions come in.

    It's so bad. It really has come down to the point where I don't want him around anyone unless I'm right there. If he leaves my presence for 5 minutes to speak with his father for example I then ask him 20 questions. It's like I have him in jail.

    I'm going to see a doc very soon & will be on meds. I just hope it works as I've been told that I will feel much better and this will eventually stop affecting my life.

    I feel like I'm imprisoned by my thoughts. So frustrating njot to be able to enjoy watching TV, going for a walk with my fiance b/c I automatically think he is looking at someone in front of us in a sexual way, not being able to let him visit his family or call his family, simply treating him like a child and not a man.

    If anyone has any similar stories please post. I have only come across 2 people who are going through a similar situation.

    Eve-E



    [This message has been edited by Eve-E (edited 06-13-2002).]

     
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    Old 06-13-2002, 08:39 PM   #2
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    Wow, Eve...a few years ago, I could have written your post. Well, most of it anyway.

    First of all, I think your acknowledgement of the problem is definately a step in the right direction. Not until I was emotionally and verbally abused myself did I come to realize that I had been guilty of the same things in a past relationship. That which I was subjected to only recently -- extreme jealousy, hurtful words and controlling ways -- opened my eyes to what I had never been able to see previously in myself. (What goes around, comes around rings true in my case.) I'm glad that you realize NOW that you have a problem, and it sounds like you want to change. That's so encouraging.

    I, too, suffered with depression, though my diagnosis didn't come until years after I had hurt someone who cared for me so much. I'm not so sure that depression alone causes one to display qualities of insecurity, but in retrospect, I can see that I was at one time horribly insecure. My self-esteem must have been nil. Like you, I was constantly comparing myself to other women, and was so, so jealous of any female that crossed my bf's path. Why? Like I said, my self-esteem was pathetic. If there existed even the most minute flaw on my body, you'd better believe I could have found it. I was so down on myself. I think another thing that contributed to my insecurity was this: Have you ever heard the saying, "If you're accused of doing something, the person doing the accusing is probably doing that thing themselves?" Well, I can't tell you how many times I accused my bf of looking at/talking to/being interested in other women. I wasn't cheating on my bf, but I did love attention from the opposite sex. In some way, it was validation that not just my bf found me attractive. Perhaps subconciously, I was scared to death that my bf was doing the same thing; enjoying attention from other females. I believe I also dealt with abandonment issues; my father left me at a very early age, and I had no father-figure in my life for many years. A therapist once told me that this may very well be why I was hell-bent on male acceptance, and so afraid of "losing" another man I cared about, whether it be to another woman or otherwise.

    Figuring out what drives a person to such extreme jealousy is a difficult thing for a person to pinpoint without therapy. I think in your case, this would be a very good start. Talk to a professional about this. Tell them everything you've posted here. You may receive some good insight as to why your mind operates in overdrive when it comes to the things you've mentioned. You obviously WANT help, therefore I think you'll be very open to professional suggestions.

    In the meantime, keep realizing that this behavior is not conducive to a healthy relationship. Your fiance is to be commended for sticking by you. You have to know that this must be very frustrating and hurtful to him, and I know you don't wish to inflict that kind of pain on someone you love. I truly do believe that talking to someone can only help you; please do this for the sake of your relationship and your own peace of mind. I know from experience how awful it is to be angry and suspicious all the time. And...having experienced it from both sides...I'm not sure which side is worse.

    Please take care, Eve. I don't know that I've helped any, but I wanted you to know that there was someone else out there who has walked in your shoes.

    Love,

    ~Daisy~

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    Old 06-14-2002, 10:02 AM   #3
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    Hi, I hate to sound like a doctor but IMO you have
    obsessive compulsive disorder with paranoia. I believe the standard treatment for this is an anti-depressant and therapy. These can be very effective and I would not hesitate to call a psychologist or psychiatrist if I were you; this stuff you may be able to deal with when you're Young but when you get older you become more fragile. You want to get this treated as soon as possible before it possibly goes into more symptoms such as severe panic attacks (which I've experienced).
    My best to you; let us know what you've decided to do, ok? ((((HUGGS))) Aster

    ------------------
    Aster

     
    Old 06-14-2002, 12:40 PM   #4
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    Thankyou so much for your replies. Today I feel AWFUL!!! It appears my issue is getting worst each & every day. I feel so on edge...the suspicions, EXTREME anger, questioning, anxiety, etc.. is at an all time high.

    Example, this morning my fiance was going to have some coffee and then go to work. He went downstairs and was talking to his uncle while having his coffee. After 10 minutes I became extremely upset. I was in the room balling my fists, cursing, saying how I hate him, etc... Then, I was by the door trying to listen to EVERY word that was being said. I heard mention of a topic about guys going out tomorrow.

    When he came upstairs for a minute to let me know he was leaving, I started my 50 questions. He was already annoyed that I was "snooping" but answered my questions calmly. I asked him literally 20X if there was any mention of a female and/or how a female looks/ He replied 20X "No, My uncle is almost 70 and we don't talk about females in that way, we never do"

    I really feel like I'm going down hill. My fiance is REALLY tired of going through this but he continues to support me. Funny thing is, I'm NOT worried he is going to leave me (I'm almost sure he wouldn't b/c I know he loves me to death) I'm just obsessed with the thought of there being any thought of a female in his mind in the slightest positive (sexual) way. Btw, he has never given me a reason to believe he thinks of other females in a sexual way.

    I can't focus or anything. I'm SO depressed!! I have been to psychiatrists in the past and was told I need meds. I was even on Paxil for a few days (couldn't stand the side effects) and Luvox which I stopped after a week. I'm definitely ready to stick with meds this time around as I was told in the past my issue would get worst if I don't do anything about it.

    It definitely has gotten worst. I use to act the same with past boyfriends but not this bad. I guess it wasn't as bad b/c I didn't live with any of them. I just hope something works to make this better.

    As I'm typing this I just heard my fiance's aunt say that my fiance's uncle is keeping my fiance company right now while he works. I'm fuming inside now & have a knot in my stomach. I can't wait until he comes in to ask him what they were talking about and if a female came up into the conversation, etc..

    This HAS to stop b/c my life is a mess right now. I have NO peace!!!! I worry every minute and I'm NOT exaggerating.

    Right now I just can't wait to find out everything my fiance and his uncle was talking about!!!!

    Eve-E

     
    Old 06-14-2002, 12:48 PM   #5
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    Eve,
    To be honest this sounds more like an insecurity issue than anything. Maybe you would benefit from talking to a psychologist? I am not sure medication would be the answer for you. Good Luck.
    Marie

     
    Old 06-14-2002, 02:12 PM   #6
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    Well, I finished asking my 50+ questions a few minutes ago. My fiance is a very honest person...he is not the type that will lie just to avoid an argument or stress. Sometimes I dread asking him a question for fear he might give me an answer I don't want to hear.

    Marie, I'm pretty sure it's not just typical insecurity. People in this world are insecure but it's definitely not your "normal" insecurity when it comes to a point where you can't function and go on with normal activities in life such as watching T.V, going for a walk, talking with your mother on the phone, etc...

    My insecurities are to the EXTREME!! 24hrs. per day I experience anxiety and with it comes anger and in some caes rage when in reality there is no reason for this kind of behavior.

    Example, I spent 30 minutes fuming inside, having a knot in my stomach, pacing the floor, thinking all kinds of crazy things, on the verge of tears, etc... all b/c my fiance was working with his almost 70 yr.old uncle. All I could think about is the mention of a female coming into their conversation. All of that stress I went through just to find out nothing happened.

    Now, I'm on to the next hour worrying about other similar things and I'm stressed out!!

    Eve-E

     
    Old 06-14-2002, 02:32 PM   #7
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    eve,
    Has anyone ever cheated on you before in a relationship? do you realize that if he does look at another woman or even leaves you for another woman that your life will go on? He isn't doing things to make you feel this way, like telling you a lot about how beautiful he thinks other women are, watching other women in front of you, etc? I hope something helps you because that is just no way to live. I think you are very lucky that he has stayed with you through all of this. Why don't the two of you see a therapist together? that way he can also see what is going on and not blame you for your sickness. Good Luck to you. I will check back often to read your posts. Please let us know how everything is going.
    marie

     
    Old 06-14-2002, 02:36 PM   #8
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    Also, ask your doctor about Zoloft. I am on it for post partum depression and it has worked wonderfully with no side effects. Gee, I really am feeling for you. It must feel awful to be in a constant state of worry. Im sure it is not good for your body either. Please write back when you see your doctor. It may take a few weeks to get the meds to start working. Please don't stop taking them unless the side effects are extreme. Most of the time, the side effects go away anyway. Give it time.
    marie

     
    Old 06-14-2002, 03:26 PM   #9
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    Thanks Marie, I will keep you updated. You're right, this is NO way to live. My fiance has dealt with my issues for almost 4 years but in the beginning they weren't as bad. He has sacrificed jobs for me and his way of living. He is not going to leave me and is a true person which is why I know there is something wrong since I'm constantly thinking otherwise.

    He nor I can take this anymore. We both feel like we are in some kind of prison. It's REALLY bad. Imagine, not being able to talk to your mother, visit your family, talk to your neighbors, ALWAYS having to scan movies before you watch them, etc... As a matter of fact it got to the point last week where I asked him not to watch certain commercials! It's like it's really getting out of control each & every day that goes by. I feel like I'm at the very bottom right now b/c even I recognize how out of control I'm getting each day.

    Sad thing is we both have two children together who are both younger than 2 yrs. old. They are well taken care of but with our problems, it does have an affect on them such as the time I devote to thinking all kinds of things when I could be doing something productive with my kids.

    In a week I'm going to see the Doc and will stick with the meds this time. I want to just be "normal" sooooo bad!! I have this BIG worry that nothing is going to help ease this. Hope I'm wrong.

    Eve-E

    Ps. No one has cheated on me in the past...only someone when I was 15 yrs. old (not a serious relationship at that age) & I had this problem before then. I use to have an "abnormal" attachment to my mother when I was young which I've been told there is a link.



    [This message has been edited by Eve-E (edited 06-14-2002).]

     
    Old 06-17-2002, 07:21 PM   #10
    Eve-E
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    I'm so unhappy, miserable, depressed. I feel empty. As I sit here and type this the tears are falling from eyes. Why? Because after having a beautiful day with my fiance and kids we came home and his uncle asked him to accompany him to drop off something at a friend's house to be fixed.

    Normal people would say, what's wrong with that? Unfortunately I'm not "normal" Right now there are almost 50 things going through my mind all at once and I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm counting each minute waiting for him to come back so I can ask him "who did you talk to? Who was in the house? Was there a female? Was she attractive? What did you and your uncle talk about on the way there and the way back...any female come up? Why did it take you so long, & so on & so on.

    If you're reading this know that I AM SO SAD!!!!!!!!! I'm crying and cannot stop. I have no peace of mind. Everyday is a mental struggle. No freedom at all. I feel like I'm living in a box in my own twisted world.

    I really don't know what else to say but I'm continuing to type b/c I just don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm so sad...so sad...Why can't this stop and I just be normal. Why can't I just be able to say, "ok, I'll see you when you get back, be safe" I try and I try but my mind won't allow me to be free.

    As long as I'm able to think...I'm simply not free. My mental state has imprisoned me and I'm so drained. I'm tired. I'm tired. God knows I'm tired. When will I be able to function again. Yes, tell me I need counseling, medication, and whatever else. I know this already but right now, at this moment, I have no spirit. All is empty.

    Well, I can barely see the screen right now b/c of the tears so I'm going to say goodbye for now. I'm not going to hurt myself or anything. I'll just go ball up in a corner somewhere and finish crying until my fiance comes back.

    Good Night
    Eve-E

     
    Old 06-20-2002, 02:17 PM   #11
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    Hi Eve-E...sounds like you are definitely suffering from severe depression..I think maybe you just are displacing it with your obsession over your boyfriend. You said you are a mess right now and crying and tired...and why? Because your boyfriend isn't around? Perhaps it is something else? What does he give you when he is around? Does he make you feel better about yourself? I think he does, from what you say..to the point where you can't feel good about yourself unless he's there to tell you so, and tell you so, and tell you so. So therefore you want him with you ALL the time, and you constantly need to be reassured ALL the time and obsess over how he thinks about you ALL the time. You want to hear that he loves you and is thinking about you because deep down you don't love yourself, at all. This is just a supposition on my part, but I would say depression is your #1 problem, most likely stemming from incredibly low (or 0) self esteem, or perhaps, from/in addtion to, other issues you may have/had dealt with in your life. I know everyone recommends counseling..and I would just have to recommend it too. Perhaps you don't want to hear that, but unless you do something to help yourself, you won't be able to help your relationship. Remember, you DESERVE to feel good about yourself..(I know you don't beleive it)...but you do...despite how you act or have acted in the past.
    HTH!

    Delphi
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    Old 06-21-2002, 10:34 PM   #12
    Eve-E
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    As of this week I'm looking for a good doc. I want all to know that I DO feel that I deserve to be happy in life. Also, I DO get plenty of attention from males (and females too) I've never had a problem when it comes to attracting a guy.

    I DO believe I'm an attractive female...I DO believe I'm special and have a lot to offer, I AM an intelligent female and I have a lot going for myself (outside of my issues) I'm NOT conceited or stuck-up but when I'm out in public I know in my heart and mind that there are going to be people who find me attractive.

    I don't think low of myself and actually, I DO have a good deal of self-esteem with the exception of when it comes to my fiance.

    I really can't explain it. In any serious relationship that I've been in I've always felt that my partner found me incredibly acctractive, special, and attached to the point where he would NOT leave me. To this point no one ever has. They all dealt with my issues and was tired but never left. I was the one who called it off in my past relationships.

    It all comes down to me being EXTREMELY anxious about my fiance finding someone more attractive than me or equal. It's obviously something to do with insecurity and I can't shake feeling this way which is where the obsession comes in. My fiance has told me 1000 times how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, and has proven it to me but I still cannot help but to worry about him feeling a certain way about another female.

    This has been the same scenario in past relationships. Funny thing is that I NEVER worry about him leaving me...I feel that would never happen BUT I still manage to worry to death about him finding someone more appealing than me when he has done everything under the sun to prove his comittment and love for me

    The attention, compliments, romantic acts, dedication, etc... are all there. Nevertheless, the negative obsessive thoughts are always there and I just can't get them to go away.

    Eve-E

     
    Old 06-24-2002, 12:30 AM   #13
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    Ok sorry! Looks like I was way off in my "theory".... But, then again, I'm no doctor! Anyway, good luck with everything!

    Delphi
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    Old 06-24-2002, 05:21 AM   #14
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    Jeez all I can say is what WOULD happen if your fiancee left you. He must be a Saint to put up with this.

     
    Old 06-26-2002, 12:07 AM   #15
    Eve-E
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    My fiance is a WONDERFUL person. Everyone says that he has a great personality that is "very unique" He does get fed up and angry but he continues to be supportive. I'm at the point where I cannot focus on anything. I'm suppose to see a doc early next week.

    Things are out of control. For example, a few days ago my fiance woke up early in the morning and said "Honey, I'm going to go do a little shopping (for his truck) and I'll be back in a little while" I said no. He thought I was joking and once he realized I was serious he just said "ok, forget about it, I'll stay home" I could clearly see that he was disappointed. He just got back in bed and went to sleep. I felt so horrible.

    When he woke up I suggested that we go shopping together and he had no problem with that. We went out and on our way I bought a magazine. Well, while sitting down eating lunch I asked him if he thought a female was attractive who was in the magazine. As I've said before, regardless of the arguments to come he is a very honest person. At this point a guy would probably just tell me what I want to hear to avoid the "mess" but he's not like that.

    He replied" She is ok, nice-looking but she is not my type. She definitely doesn't compare to you so you shouldn't even give it a thought". I was sooooooo upset hearing him say that the female was "nice-looking" Despite his efforts to assure me that he wasn't attracted to her and how he feels about me & so on, I cried and cried and cried! He was so hurt. I made a scene outside in public and he was embarrased. We spent 2 hours standing on a street while I questioned him to death about the female with tears running down my face.

    He said that it would have never happened if I would have just let him go shopping in the morning. However, I was waiting to ask him about that female for weeks. See that...there is obviously a problem. Who waits weeks waiting to ask a guy about a female on TV. Things were so bad that night & I was so depressed. I NEVER drink but went out and bought me a bottle b/c I felt less than zero. I only had a few sips and ended up calling the hospital. It was so bad that night. All b/c I asked him about a female on TV who he said was "nice looking" but not his type.

    I can't wait for this mental madness to end!!!!

    Eve-E

     
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