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    Old 08-07-2003, 06:13 PM   #1
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    Post Just I'm taking Luvox..

    Iíve believe Iíve had OCD for as long as I can remember. Early on it was more of the classic OCD (that something bad would happen to a family member if I did not ... touch, count, repeat, etc.) but in the last 10years it really has taken the form of the Pure Obessional / Morbid Obsessions - I actually just recently learned of this category.
    I would say for most of my life my mind is overwhelmed and preoccupied all day and every day, with very disturbing and unwanted thoughts that I have absolutely no control over, such as:

    I have terrible thoughts of wanting too physically harm or kill anyone who is near me including my loved ones. I have vivid thoughts of being a serial-killer.
    While having sex with a woman, uncontrollable homosexual thoughts with a man pop into my head. I think about killing infants or kidnapping then killing them. When I see or meet a teenage girl, I have very inappropriate, violent or sexual thoughts about them that I simply cannot stop. Whenever I see a news story about a child molester somewhere. I always think what kind of person could do such a thing, he should be hung by his feet and beat to death with pipes. I cannot even believe I am writing this, it is so disturbing and so, NOT who I am! or is it? At least thatís what I keep telling myself. While attending meetings or in a public setting I have thoughts of wanting to blurt out insults, profanities or something inappropriate and disruptive. While Iím driving Iím constantly fighting the urge to jerk the steering wheel of my vehicle into oncoming traffic or off an overpass.

    In addition to the thoughts and unwanted images that are always in my head, Iíve always thought that I was slightly Obsessive-Compulsive and have made jokes about it to my friends but I never really thought that I needed to see a Doctor about. Well itís gotten much worse over the past 3 or 4 years. Here are some examples:

    I have a terrible fear of contracting a deadly illness or virus such as AIDS, TB or Cancer so I have a blood test done about 3 Ė4 times a year.

    Iím obsessed about certain parts of my body, (hands, fingernails, toenails, anal area) I wash my hands about 30 times a day in addition to using the ďHand SanitizerĒ every 10 minutes. I am constantly cleaning and trimming my nails. EVERY TIME I have a bowel movement I get into the shower and use the detachable showerhead to clean my anal area with hot water and soap.Iím very superstitious about everything I do. When I shower I always use the same soap and brand of shampoo, I always wash and dry myself the same exact way and if I screw it up Iíll start over. Iíve used the same brand of deodorant and hair gel for 12 years and when I went to the store to buy some more deodorant and found out that they donít sell it anymore, I freaked out and got on the Internet and bought an entire case of that particular brand.

    I completely freak out if any of my things are not where I want them to be. My pint of half & half, must be in the correct spot in the fridge door and my uniform for work must be in the same place in the closet. If for some reason I do something out of order during my daily routine my mind is flooded with thoughts of something terrible happening to me as a direct result of the order of my daily routine being disrupted. Iíll wash the kitchen sink 10 times with boiling hot water, cleaners and bleach until I think it is clean enough. I have a constant fear that I am going to lose something very valuable to me ( pocket knife, wallet, cd, watch, tweezers, etcÖ.), I am constantly checking my little black bag that I carry around, to make sure everything is in the correct place. I always eat one item on my plate at a time. Every time I try to leave my house I have to go back several times to check and make sure the doors are locked.

    Every little thing everyone does very easily irritates me. Any noise made while eating will bother me to the point where I will have to leave the room or listen to very loud music with headphones. People sniffling, snorting, eating ice, smacking lips while eating and gum popping drives me completely friggen nuts.

    Iím very, very fidgety all of the time. I grind my teeth constantly, even while I'm sleeping. I am always using something like a pen cap to scrape underneath my fingernails while I am watching TV and I constantly scrape my thumbs on the underside of my fingers over and over again. It drives my wife crazy. I absolutely need to have heavy blankets on my legs while I am sleeping or I CANNOT fall asleep. I wake up several times in the middle of the night and run outside to check my vehicles because I think someone is trying to steal them. Whenever I go out to dinner or to see a movie I am very uneasy and anxious because I think my vehicle is being broke into or stolen. Iím obsessed with the length of my hair; I just spent $60 on a set of professional hair clippers so I can cut my hair every other day. While I was on vacation a couple of years ago I was so freaked out about my hair being to long I purchased a beard trimmer and used it to cut my hair. I have a ridiculous obsession with the particular type of pens I use. I will only use a Uniball Gel Impact 1.0mm or a Uniball Vision Elite and I will drive from store to store all day long until I find one of those pens.

    Recently it is not even the OCD, which I have been living with for so long that is making me depressed and irritated that I am concerned with. My concern is my depression which many times is the secondary effect resulting from OCD. The OCD itself (even though the subject matter is very disgusting and horrifying) is sometimes overshadowed by the larger problem of depression and the feeling that so much time has gone by, that I have lived with so much stress and which has all resulted in losing so much of myself.

    Currently I am taking Luvox and seeing a therapist. But it is a constant struggle, which I am fighting every day.
    Any help or advise would be most appreciated.
    Thanks, T

    [This message has been edited by ShoelessTroy (edited 08-08-2003).]

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    Old 08-07-2003, 07:05 PM   #2
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    I know you feel overwhelmed.. I am sure you feel some relief just knowing that it has a name and that you have started down the road to getting some relief.

    Please know that the ocd is not who you are! OCD is something you have. Much like someone would have diabetes. Try and remember the phrase "It's not me it's my OCD"

    This quote is from a great book on OCD called Brainlock. If you do a search for it on this site and others you can find out about it.
    Hang in there!
    Victory can be yours,

    Old 08-07-2003, 07:13 PM   #3
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    Old 08-07-2003, 07:21 PM   #4
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    This seems like a crazy time right now for you, but the medication will help. I was on Zoloft for years and went off because I was feeling better. I recently went onto Prozac to help with my OCD. This web site has helped alot. You are not alone. That is what has helped me knowing. I have also been reading Brain Lock and it helps to know "It's not me...It's OCD". Stay strong.

    Old 08-09-2003, 03:34 PM   #5
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    I'm sure underneath it all Shoeless, you a re a very caring and sensitive person. My heart goes out to you and you must never forget it's your illness that makes you confused. Give the medication some time, I know you'll find peace. If you were inherently evil, all this excess baggage would not bother you.

    Stay strong

    Old 08-10-2003, 06:04 PM   #6
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    Thumbs up

    It's not easy but stay strong and keep talking about it!

    Old 08-10-2003, 10:04 PM   #7
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    Thanks guys! Everyday is a struggle but it really helps to talk with people who understand.

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