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-   -   Do you think it's possible that I have OCD? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/76771-do-you-think-its-possible-i-have-ocd.html)

MrsLee 12-18-2003 11:21 AM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
Daniela, please go to the doctor as soon as you can. If doesn't really matter if you go with someone or not, whichever you are most comfortable with. If I were you I wouldn't wait for the family doctor. PLease keep us updated, and take care.

gogocrazy 12-20-2003 10:47 PM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
Hi again.

Thanks for all of the replies.

I've been so confused lately. I don't know. I know that I have to go to a doctor ASAP, but I feel so alone. I feel like no one knows what I'm going through and they don't care either. I told one of my closest friends and we don't even talk anymore. I guess I just thought she would care. I can't go to the doctor alone. I'll get too scared, I don't know what to do, I'm just so confused. However, I feel like I have no one to go with. I don't know.

I'm not sure, but I think there's a possibility that I might be suffering from secondary depression (in this case, as a result from OCD). Sometimes all I can do is cry, and I can't stop. I try to stop, but I just can't. I end up crying for such a long time. I can't help but think that I don't have any potential in life, that no one cares, and I think about how easy it would be to just go downstairs and overdose on some drug. I've tried telling my friends, but they don't seem to care. They seem like they wouldn't care if I died, and I don't know if I actually would kill myself, but it took all of my energy to stay upstairs and not go downstairs. I don't know what I'd do if I did go downstairs, if I'd get too scared, actually I probably would get too scared and not do anything, but I don't think that's normal.

Lately, I've started worrying more about how clean I am. I won't touch anything, and even yesterday I wouldn't touch the soap because I thought it was disgusting. I just couldn't. I told myself that it was okay, that the soap wasn't dirty, but I just couldn't touch it. Whenever I see dirt, I can't touch it either. I don't know if this could possibly be the beginning of a fear of germs, but I never really had a big concern with any of this before. Also, I'm starting to worry about acting inappropriately in public. Yesterday I was at my friend's concert, and I spent the whole time thinking "What if I do this? What if I don't notice I'm doing it, what if I can't control myself? What would people think of me? Would anyone talk to me every again?" and so on. I now realize that I wouldn't have done anything inappropriate, but whenever I'm in public I think I might. Sometimes if I'm thinking about something, like "My friend doesn't care about me, she's emotionally involved in this situation" (the situation where I'm losing a good friend of mine), then I think "I have to tell her. If I don't, I'm being dishonest." I don't know if this is just becuase I've read up on OCD though, I'm just so confused.

Sorry for this post. I know it sounds useless and there's no point to it, but I had to get this out. I feel so hopeless, and this is the only place people understand and care. Does anyone maybe have any advice? Thanks so much.

Thanks,
Daniela

TerryB 12-21-2003 05:06 AM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
Oh Daniella, here's a nice hug: ((((((Daniellla)))))))

At school tomorrow can you walk straight done to your guidance counselor? Suicidal kids are taken very seriously by the school system.

Terry

Just a boy.. 12-21-2003 03:08 PM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
Hi Daniella,

Please please please take the advice many others have given you in this thread, it's solid stuff from people who's been there.

I'm also only a kid - 16 - but when I felt I couldn't tell my parents about the stuff I was doing (and hiding very successfully) I told a good friend of mine one night and she helped me book an appointment with my GP and even went with me there for some support. I owe so much to her for getting the ball rolling, and even though I've only been to my doc once and didn't even get the time to tell him everything that was on my mind, I've got another appointment tomorrow that I'm far less nervous for.

I've been put on a waiting list for some sort of counsellor/psych (!) and I'm feeling much more positive about things now. I used to be suicidal and very close to the edge, but I realise now I have so much to live for - even if just to beat this illness, be it OCD or whatever - I've not been officially diagnosed yet but reading some of these threads and doing some research... wow, some of it sounds like my biography.

I too suffer from the 'inappropriate behaviour' thing. Most of the time I just get home from school or going out and I suddenly start to think about what I did or said. Then I get this horrible feeling like I've done something totally inappropriate or just plain embarrassing but I can't remember... other times I could be out an about and just start to think 'what if I did this right now, how would people react'.. I usually get pictures when I think that last thought and it's usually sexual :confused:, which is so twisted and wierd I'm not sure I can bring myself to tell my GP that but we'll see.

I've gone on a bit, and I'm not sure if you'r in the US or not but it sounds like you are so I don't know how your health system works or anything - I don't think it's free though is it? I really do hope you find a way to talk to a professional about this because since I got help I've felt like I can finally begin trying to achieve my dreams again. :)!

gogocrazy 12-25-2003 04:11 PM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
Hey!

I can't talk to my school counsellor, my Christmas break started last Friday and I still have over another week. When I get back, if I still feel like I have nothing to live for, I'll talk to my homeroom teacher.

My mood is changing so much. The past few days have been pretty good. Even this morning I was fine, and I didn't think I could ever kill myself. Then all of a sudden I started feeling like I have nothing to live for, and how easy it would be to kill myself. Maybe it's just a bad day. I don't know.

The other day I was talking to my mom and my sister was there, and my mom said something about having to throw more stuff out that I wouldn't use it. I can't, so I said "Well what if I need it for something? I just can't throw anything out" and then my sister said "I really think she should go to a psychologist or something." My mom said "Why? There's no need?" so my sister said "She's like obsessive compulsive," and I was like "Please? I mean just to be safe," and she said "You're fine," and laughed (I don't think she thinks I'm serious) and it pretty much ended at that. Oh well. I'm planning to go to a walk-in clinic (I live in Canada, so health care is free) with a friend, as soon as I feel like one really cares. Like I know any of my close friends would go with me, but I don't know if they really care and would really be there for me and since this is such a big deal to me, I don't want them to just leave me once they get bored. Maybe they wouldn't, but I just want to be sure.

Sometimes everything just seems so unreal to me. I don't believe that I have a mental disorder. When I'm not faced with a ritual, I wonder how I can't do things without doing a ritual or how I can't stop myself thinking certain things that are so unrealistic, and I tell myself that I won't do it anymore. However, it never works because once I'm in an environment where I would perform my ritual, it seem so real. I think this is causing me to be in denial, even though I do the same screening test many times and I'm always thinking about my OCD. At first I just wanted a second opinion, but now new issues arise like not wanting to be wrong. Everything seems so hopeless, I don't know if I'll ever be able to get help, but I'm the one holding myself back, no one else is. Oh well, hopefully I get enough courage soon enough.

Anyways, I better go. Thanks again for the replies. Happy Holidays!

Thanks,
Daniela

TerryB 12-25-2003 07:31 PM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
Can your sister go with you to the walk-in clinic? My sister is my best friend I think. Terry

MrsLee 12-26-2003 09:49 AM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
Daniela--please get yourself to the doctor. I know it would be easier if someone went with you, but if you can't ask someone then please go by yourself. Sometimes we need to force ourselves to do something we don't want to do.

I see so much of myself in you that it breaks my heart. Sometimes I wonder how I made it through the years I spent suffering, but I did, and I am so happy that I did. I know it seems hopeless right now, but I promise you that life will get better at some point in the future. Right now there are plenty of things in my life that are not good, but there are also so many that are good. If I would have ended my life when it was really bad I would have missed out on so much. You are young and have so much ahead of you. I know it's so hard to see it right now but I promise you if you hang in there and get the help you need things will get better. You are a brilliant girl and have so much potential. You are at a roadblock right now, and all you need is a little help getting through it. Even if you can't see a great future right now, I can see one for you!

So again, please please PLEASE go to the doctor, no matter if it's with or without a friend. You need to get through this rough spot in your life so you can be happy and get the most out of life. Take care sweety and God bless!

gogocrazy 01-01-2004 12:28 AM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
Hey!

Sorry I didn't respond sooner. I was at my cabin.

I've been having huge mood swings lately. Most of the time, however, I think that I have nothing to live for. While I was at my cabin without internet access, I realized how much I really do depend on my friends. I kept on thinking to call someone up or to go online to see if any of them are on, but I don't know if that's good. It seems that in a lot of Junior High schools, mine included, everyone's trying to find out who they are. I have great friends, but I don't know which ones I can really depend on right now since I'm so vunerable and I don't consider myself nearly strong enough to deal with this, but I'm going to get through it. I wonder why I'm doubting so much and thinking about conversations and people's motives when they ask me a question. I mean I always have, but never to this extent.

Like I said, I've been having mood swings lately. In fact, just an hour ago, I was feeling depressed again. I decided to come here because I know that you guys are so supportive, but reading the recent posts again really raised my spirits (thanks TerryB and MrsLee especially in this last post) and I'm in a much better mood now, I can't even stop smiling. In the past few days though, I haven't been able to stop thinking about killing myself, the thoughts aren't going away. I think it would be so much easier and I know that it'd be cowardly of me to kill myself, but I get to the point that I don't care. I sent a friend (that I know I can definitely count on no matter what) and e-mail about an hour ago, and I'm definitely planning to go to the doctor very soon. I asked her in the e-mail to please go with me, since I was in a mood where I know I have to go. She's already assured me that she will and I don't think she'll judge me on my diagnosis, whatever it may be.

In response to your suggestion about going to the doctor with my sister, TerryB, great idea! Thanks! I was planning on asking her on the chairlift while I was my cabin or something, but I didn't get the chance. I've put a lot of thought into who I should go with, if anyone, and if I don't feel confident enough to go with any of my friends, I'm going to ask her. I loved that idea. It's really comforting to know that no matter what, I can ask her. She's not going anywhere.

My "OCD" seems to be getting worse recently. I can't stop re-reading things and when I do, I have to think "right, left, left, right" and move my hands or teeth subtly 5 times, but then it doesn't feel right so another 5, but an even number isn't good, and so on. I wash my hands five times, do my ritual at the end of brushing my teeth 5 times, kiss my dog 5 times, brush my hair 5 times, etc. If I don't, I think that someone I love will get into a car accident or another dreaded occurance will take place, and I'll be at fault, even though I know that's not true. I have random intrusive thoughts, I obsess over conversations all of the time, and well basically all of the symptoms I've mentioned in the past. I'm planning to go to a doctor (well I know I was before when I was in this mood, but hopefully I'll stick with it this time).

Anyways, I better get going. I'll probably post very soon. Good luck Just a boy.., I think you were so brave to go to the doctor. Good luck to everyone else, and thanks so much for everything! I owe so much to all of you who have helped me. I feel so lucky.

Daniela :)

TerryB 01-01-2004 07:10 AM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
Daniela,

That is so observant of you to notice that the other students are still "finding" themselves. I remember getting very cynical at your age but these same people really do improve with age (although some of the worst ones you will probably find will never be friends of yours.) That being said, it is hard to trust people at this age. It is also hard to appreciate the good friends that you have right in your own family. I probably would have been embarrassed to admit that my sister was my best friend back then!

You are very special Daniela. You are smart and insightful and a survivor! Hang in there!

Terry

gogocrazy 01-01-2004 09:42 PM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
Hey!

Thanks so much.

My friend hasn't e-mailed me back yet (she doesn't check her e-mail very often) but I'm pretty confident that she'll come with me, she's already said that she will. If she doesn't, however, I'll ask one of my other close friends (including my sister). A few of my friends are conscience about what other people think of them and are still finding themselves, but they're still loyal. Most of my friends don't care what people think of them though and I know they'll stick with me through anything. Even if, for whatever reason, no one can come with me, I'll go alone. I need to get help and I want to get help.

Thanks for bringing up my sister too. I really didn't realize that she'd always be there for me until you mentioned it. We're actually pretty close, especially after family problems that have been occuring in the past 2 years or so. She rebelled more and I stayed quieter, but we still knew what the other was going through, and that really helped. I'm really lucky.

Could extreme indecisiveness also be classified a symptom of OCD? Like being indecisive the point that you can't choose which to eat first, which piece of thread to use (where they're all exactly the same), what to watch, which candle to light first, etc.? I'm always like this, I can't make any decision, and it's out of fear of making a mistake and/or regretting my choice later (when there's really no possible mistake to make, in choosing which thread to use for example). I thought of that in the past week, and I just thought I'd ask. Also, is guilt a symptom (where the guilt makes no sense)? Like if someone was going to go grab something, and you got it for them, then you think "What if they wanted to do it?" and you try to convince them to go get it. One last question about symptoms: could having to keep one last thing of everything be classified an OCD symptom? For instance, if you get a different type of pen every time you need more pens, keeping one pen from each pack "in case you need it" (which, in reality, you never will).

I used to be exactly like everyone else who doesn't know who they actually are when I started Junior High. After a while, however, I realized how stupid I was being and once I found out who I was, I decided that I wasn't going to try to change for anyone. Now, however, I'm finding out that everything I do seems to be somehow explained by OCD, and I have no idea who I am anymore. Could meds or CBT help this to eliminate my symptoms so I know who I am?

I'm still planning to get help and I can't wait. I can't wait until I'm officially diagnosed. I mean I already know I have it, so once I'm officially diagnosed I can finally get help. I just have a few concerns. If the doctor tells me I'm fine and I don't have OCD or any mental disorder, but I still experience obsessions and compulsions, what should I do? Being told I'm fine is probably my biggest fear. It's not that I want to have OCD, but I don't want to be wrong because that'll make me think I'm even crazier because there's no medical explanation for my behavior. I'm hoping they'll be able to diagnose me at the clinic, but if they can't and I have to tell my parents to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist, do you think I should say that I went to a clinic?

I'm so lucky to have found this board, for the supportive people helping me, and my great friends (including my sister) who aren't judging me based on this. I was focusing on my "OCD" too much and how I had to have it, out of so many people who don't have it. Really though, in a way, I'm kind of proud of my OCD while I used to be ashamed. I think it'll help me grow and I'll be stronger because of it. I can't change it, so I might as well look at the positives. I don't enjoy having it, but there are positives to it.

Anyways, thanks for the response TerryB. I'll post again soon. I'm planning to go to a doctor ASAP. Delaying it obviously isn't helping any. If anything, it's having negative affects.

Thanks,
Daniela

NoonBlueApples 01-01-2004 10:56 PM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
Daniela,
I share so many of your symptoms down to the tee that it is almost scary.
Patterns of five, left right right left (or vice versa), guilt, indecisiveness, fear of doing horrible things in public, washing, and on and on...You are not alone...I am now almost thirty, and have had OCD since early adolescence....(I apologize for any mispellings I may make), and one of the scariest things for me was the fear that I was the only person on earth that had the thoughts that I had....I had no idea what OCD was...I didn't think that there could possibly be a disorder that would have me do all of these strange things....as a child I thought that mental disorders were all about voices in the head and such, I had no idea how many people could possibly share what I thought was an illness that only I possessed...I was so relieved in high school to find another person (by accident) that shared many of the same symptoms....
Daniela, as depressing as it may seem, and the thoughts can drive you absolutely mad, there is a lot of hope that at times may seem completely out of reach but it is neverhteless there. Your story mirrors my childhood in so many ways, although since it wasn't until I was 17 that I had even heard about OCD, I thought for years I was either possessed, or had such a bizare craziness that noone would ever understand ..."they will lock me up for sure", I would worry........."nobody can possibly comprehend the thoughts running through my head"...in all honesty, I still have thoughts that I know are completely OCD related, but are so embarrising that I will never share them....but let me assure you, there is hope.......even through the craziest and most disturbing moments ,there is hope..
Seeking professional help will most likely help immensly, even if it is only for your own clarification....You (and I am not a doctor but please believe me) without a doubt, suffer from OCD....all of the symptoms that you have described.,..literally all of them are without a doubt OCD related...Your posts describe the illness with unbelievable clarity. You are so articulate in your descriptions I am Shocked that you are only thirteen......You (and I know I am only basing this on your writing on this site {which I spent the last hour reading}
have an incredible grasp on what is going on in your head...It took me about a decade to come to the place where you are at now...I hid the disorder from almost everyone because I thpought that nobody would ever understand...but nowadays, much more is known about this malady...you have painted such a vivid picture of OCD...you describe 80% of what goes on in my head better than I could ever possible put into words...but please believe me that there is hope...............I accidentally hit enter before I was done...

NoonBlueApples 01-01-2004 11:13 PM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
I am having some problems with the tab & enter button, I hope I can continue and still make sense....
what I wanted to finsh my earlier post to Daniela with was that seeking professional help was and is again, one of the best things I ever did....although it may not help everyone, there are medications out there that will do wonders in improving your life....Anafranil has done wonders for me (but I cannot speek for everyone).....medication, although not curing me, has done amazing things with supressing the really bad thoughts....I still do stuff in patterns, and wash over and over again, and check over and over again, and feel guilty, and apologize for no reason, but the REALLY BAD things I do much less....and when I say really bad I am talking about thinking of death/cancer/disease/nonexistance etc. for months even years at a time constantly..day and night..all day convincing myself that no moment could be enjoyed because inevitably my impending doom trumped it all....
Daniela...you are still so young and despite how horrible things may feel now, let me assure you that you have amazing things coming up in your future....I can relate to so much of what you say that it amazes me....some of the things you describe are so specifically the same as what I experience that it shocks even me.....you write so well and have a knowledge way beyond your years, and I have no doubt that you will overcome this and succede beyond your dreams...

TerryB 01-02-2004 06:21 AM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
Daniela,

My four year old, with OCD, will often stare at her plate of food and demand that someone tell her which food to eat first. We use to try to give her some direction but she still wouldn't JUST START EATING! We don't know if it is her OCD but we do treat it like it is. We don't get sucked into it anymore because it keeps the whole family from eating in peace. We'll blow it off and say "just make yourself dive in and eat" or "do you think this is Mr. Worry somehow keeping you from eating?"

Guilt and OCD. My sister, with OCD, practically appologizes for being born. Be a little careful with this one because mean people tend to sense a weakness here and can treat you like dirt sometimes. I think for example that if you appologize for making someone do a job that they are suppose to be doing anyway then they sometime resent do their job (like bagging groceries.)

Terry

gogocrazy 01-02-2004 11:45 AM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
Hey!

Thanks again for the replies, NoonBlueApples and TerryB. It helps me a lot and it's very comforting to know that I'm not alone.

After I read this over again last night, I was so happy. I thought there was hope and I was sure I was going to get help. After I wrote my friend an e-mail (well I kept on erasing it, so that took about an hour and a half) and finished 1 1/2 hours of "before bed" rituals, I was depressed again. I thought everything was so hopeless. This morning I was too scared to go to a doctor again and everything started all over again.

My best friend just got back from a vacation yesterday night, and I told her that for her birthday I was going to take her to a movie. We decided that we wanted to see each other before our Christmas Break ended (since we don't go to the same school) and then she asked me how everything was. I told her that it wasn't too good, my "OCD" was getting worse, and now she's taking me to a doctor tomorrow. I want to get help, but I don't want to go in fear of being wrong, but she'll make me go. I'm so scared, I can't even explain how scared I am. I know that I have to, but I don't know if I'm brave enough. What if I'm not able to tell the doctor all of my symptoms? What if I get too scared? What if I'm wrong? My friend said that they'll be able to diagnose me right at the clinic, and I hope so. I'm just so confused right now. Any advice? Are there any ways I could prepare myself? Should I print off some information on OCD to show the doctor how serious I am, or would that be useless? I really don't know what to do right now, besides go to the doctor.

Anyways, I'll probably post before tomorrow. Thanks for the support.

Thanks,
Daniela

TerryB 01-02-2004 12:38 PM

Re: Do you think it's possible that I have OCD?
 
Daniela,

I always have a few notes for myself when I see a doctor to remind myself of all the issues that need to be discussed. If you are concerned that you might clam up totally, you might want to write your situation on paper and give it to the doctor to read. Doctors are busy so you want it to be concise and to the point. You might want to start out by saying that you've done some research and you think that you may have OCD and then write all the symptoms that you have starting with the most important ones first so that the doctor really gets the picture in the beginning of your summary.

The most important thing though is for you to go!!!

Terry


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