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KK82 06-29-2011 09:09 AM

Help! Need reassurance-does anyone else have this fear?
I've had the usual obsessions of harming someone else impulsively (once scared the hell out of myself because I got the thought :if my boyfriend doesn't stop snoring, I'm going to put this pillow over his face! Now, really, what woman hasn't had that brief thought before?!) and I've been able to make those obsessions not bother me anymore. The one I can't seem to keep from "sticking" is a fear that my thoughts and worries will get so bad that I will want to kill myself. Basically, my thought process goes something like this: "This anxiety is crippling me, I can't enjoy the things I normally do and I'm so sad that I can't. But if I'm sad, doesn't that mean I'm depressed? And if I'm depressed, what if I get so depressed that I end up wanting to kill myself? But I don't want to kill myself! My family and my boyfriend would be beside themselves! But if I'm having that thought, does that mean I'm having "suicidal thoughts"? And if I'm having suicidal thoughts, does that mean I actually want to kill myself and am in danger of doing so? But I don't want to die!" and so on and so on. I end up arguing with myself about how I don't want to die like it's imminent! Sometimes, I'll get more specific thoughts, and those are the most terrifying. My physical reaction is always the same - I immediately get that startled feeling, my stomach clenches painfully, I start panicking and doubting myself, I begin to cry and worry, and then I dwell on it for the rest of the day.

It's the one fear I haven't been able to shake, even after reassurance from both my therapist and the psychiatrist that manages my meds. They've both reassured me countless times (after I've asked), "No, you're not suicidal. We've seen suicidal people and those thoughts don't scare them. The fact that you're scared by those thoughts shows that you won't act on them." But, for some reason, I still can't get it out of my head.

So, has anyone else had these thoughts and successfully overcome them or even managed them? If so, how did you do it? I need to know that I'm not the only one (even though I know deep down that I'm not) out there with this fear.

Kali333 06-29-2011 01:46 PM

Re: Help! Need reassurance-does anyone else have this fear?
Killing yourself isn't that easy.
Passively just wishing to kill yourself doesn't cut it.
I've wished to die many times. Probably everyone has.
Actually killing yourself is a far cry from simply wishing to quit living because of unhappiness.
It's not easy; most of us probably couldn't manage it if we tried.

I wouldn't worry too much about your feelings.
If some days you don't feel like living, just own that feeling. It's unlikely you'll actively take steps to end your life, even less likely you'd be successful if you did.
There's a difference between thoughts and actions. Your thoughts won't kill you. if they would, we'd all be dead a hundred times over.
If you feel sad some days and feel like life's really not worth living, just accept that feeling. It's very likely it will pass, and the next day, you'll feel better.
If time goes by and you [I]don't[/I] start feeling better, or you actually start feeling worse, then you might want to seek help (not because you're likely to kill yourself, but because there's no point in being depressed for a long period of time, if you don't have to be).

Best wishes.

KK82 06-29-2011 02:03 PM

Re: Help! Need reassurance-does anyone else have this fear?
Thank you for your words. I guess I've never known anyone who has ever been suicidal or has gone through with it so I don't know exactly how they feel. Of course, I've seen news stories about people my own age that seemed perfectly healthy and happy who've killed themselves, and, of course, thought "Oh my God, if they did it, does that mean I could, too? They seemed OK!" But such is the nature of obsessive thoughts, I suppose.

cheddar55 07-15-2011 12:47 PM

Re: Help! Need reassurance-does anyone else have this fear?
hey ur not the only feeling that way, i thought it was just me too. i feel sometimes as if i could really harm someone and it scares me, even though i know i wont do it and i really dont want to hurt someone i still get these thoughts that i will. once in my school's cafe i thought i would get a knife and stab someone, which was a random thought and i felt extremely terrible afterwards. sometimes i thought of hurting myself, like i rather hurt myself then really hurt someone else. whenever im in the train station i think about jumping off onto the tracks and not moving, but i know that i dont want to die at all, but these thoughts still haunt and make me feel extremely depressed sometimes, like there is absolutely nothing inside of me and that scares me most of all.

eddysmom1 07-16-2011 05:52 AM

Re: Help! Need reassurance-does anyone else have this fear?
Hi KK82, just saw this post and thought I'd say hello. OCD, anxiety, and depression are so tough.
You are doing excellent by seeing a doctor, talking out your thoughts, and getting to know your situation. I think that is so important, helping yourself.

I had suicidal thoughts for almost all of my life, for some reason, they haven't been around (those thoughts) for me in quite some time. Despite my issues, I want to live now. I somehow released those thoughts. I like that, especially because I wasn't that way for a long time.

I guess I just wanted to add that those thoughts are normal for people like us. It doesn't mean we will act on them. I agree with your doctors, if you are worried about it, you're not going to act on those thoughts.

Hang in there, you will get better, it takes time. There comes a time when all these issues become more manageable. :)

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