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Obsessing over something evil I did as a child

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Old 04-14-2012, 02:54 PM   #1
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Jayne1987 HB User
Obsessing over something evil I did as a child

I am going to be 100% honest here and it is not something I am proud makes me feel sick,I can't stop thinking about it, I don't know how I did it and tbh I feel like a sick psycho due to what I did as a goes..

I think I was about 11, I had a Guinea pig who was dying.....and for some reason I killed it I don't know why the hell I did it...I am obsessing over why and it makes me feel sick and ill and i have panic attacks whenever i think back to it. ... I don't know if I done it to stop the pets pain as i knew he was dying,because of my ocd i have always suffered from and I thought/felt I needed to do it? or because I knew once he died I would have some attention of my parents which was hard to come by at the time due to having older siblings and them all having kids and I felt like I didn't get a look in.

it's haunted me ever since. I am 24 now, and animal cruelty makes me feel sick,I hate it! i love animals...which is why I can't understand why I did it...I spent all last night until 3am reading up on why kids harm pets and all I got was that I am some psychopath seriel killer apparently. But I just, I could never do what I did then...I could never hurt a animal

Please help, am I a psycho ??

I wish I was dead, I deserve to die to be fair,It was a sick thing to do and I just don't get why I did it..I just think and think about it none stop all the time, trying to work out why...

I have no idea why I did it,I can't remember much at all from back then,I was an anxious child,with ocd who was out of school due to being bullied and my parents were always occupied with my siblings as they had new born children when I was that age...That is in NO WAY an excuse at all! No way, I am just trying to think back to all of that and try to work out why I did it.
I don't know if it was to put the poor animal out of it's pain...I don't think it was.
I knew it was dying, but part of me thinks I did it because I knew I would get some attention once the pet had died,and that was my reasoning for it.
Afterwards I know I cried, if that was out of guilt or just crying infront of my parents as the pet had died I do not know.
What I do know is since the age of 15 I think about it none stop and try to work out why I did what I did and I am terrified that I am a psycho or will become a serial killer as I know harming animals is a sure sign of that.

I certainly never did it again after that one time and to be honest..I think I would rather kill myself then do something like that! So why didn't I think that way back then? why did I do it??

I mean...I have pure O also and I get intrusive horrible thoughts etc and People are like oh don't worry! your a good person as your worrying about these horrible thoughts and you would never act on them.... but, Doing what I did as a child, it makes me think otherwise!

Maybe I will act on them? I was obviously an evil horrible child so why would i be any different now??..if I did something horrible once, surely I can again??

For the past two days I have been thinking about it all none stop and trying to work out why I did it..sometimes I hope that I realise Its a fake memory and I never did it..stupid I know...But I have now made myself ill from worry and none stop thinking..|I can't think of anything else and I am trapped,scared,anxious and a mess.

I really do believe I am better of dead..This guilt and fear is driving me mad..

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Old 04-15-2012, 11:20 AM   #2
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Re: Obsessing over something evil I did as a child

I have had a similar situation that bothered me from 9 years old all the way to age 22. I can tell you I wish I talked to someone about it because I buried it deep in my subconscious. It caused all kinds of havoc during my life. I'm now 36 and I let go of it when I was 22 or 23 years old. I started therapy and it help fix a lot of my feelings. After repressing what I had did for so long it finally caught up to me. I would talk to someone about it. No one deserves to feel the way you do.

Last edited by eriksp; 04-15-2012 at 11:22 AM.

Old 04-15-2012, 04:03 PM   #3
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Re: Obsessing over something evil I did as a child

Jayne, please listen to me. You do not deserve to die to compensate for your guinea pig of many years ago.
I think that millions of people do something that they have conflict about, and are not certain if it was for a good reason, or a bad reason. I think what's most important to keep in mind is that you were a child, hurting. You were a child, needing love and attention. You did what you felt you needed to do, to be heard and acknowledged. As an adult, you realize that it wasn't the best choice, but back then maybe it was the only "voice" you really had.
I will tell you a secret, and I did this when I was an adult, not a child. I had a beautiful blue beta fish that I kept in the kitchen so I could watch it while I was cooking. I really loved that fish and had him for two years. Then he started getting sick and I gave him medication but it just wasn't working. After two weeks I flushed him down the toilet...and yes, he was still alive.
It may not have been the best decision, but we are human and make mistakes.
You are painting a picture of yourself as some sort of horrible person, and you were just a child who made a questionable choice toward an animal that was already dying.
Image you had a child who did that. Write a letter to that pretend child who wanted attention, who had a sick guinea pig and put it out of its misery, and tell that child what is in your heart. I KNOW you would have so much sympathy if someone else did this.
Now is the time to give yourself that sympathy you are so deserving of.
Your conscience is bothering you. If you were so horrible, you wouldn't even HAVE a conscience.

God bless you, honey, Sue

Old 04-15-2012, 04:27 PM   #4
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Jayne1987 HB User
Re: Obsessing over something evil I did as a child

just,I dont see why? I will never ever be able to accept it, even when I am not so highly anxious as I am at this moment in time. It sickens me to my core and it scares me that I was such a horrible child.

i can't forget it, and well,i know why I did it I think, for attention.
but that is no excuse,I know children are cruel at times but not to that extent?
I just can't remember much from back then,i was 11/12...its a blurry mess.
But now when I have horrible intrusive thoughts I worry that maybe one day I will lose it and do these dreadful things,as I did when I was a child?? I mean,I would rather harm myself then anybody else or an animal, but then I think hmm how do I know that? I could just be thinking that to disguise the fact that I am sick and evil...and around and around it goes.

I fear losing control of myself.

and, part of my ocd is telling me that maybe I am not guilty over what I did? Maybe I am just thinking I am to make myself feel better and maybe I really am just pure evil..

Oh dear,I am Exhausted with it all. I really am.

Old 04-15-2012, 09:16 PM   #5
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Re: Obsessing over something evil I did as a child

Hey Jayne1987, I suggest therapy those ugly memories reside in your subconscious it is better to treat them as soon as possible and yes you are obsessing over that thought it is definitely OCD. Another thing I want to tell you is that, you are not a horrible person neither a killer or anything like that, I know this because you regret about it you don't enjoy it as evil people do. The fact that you feel bad about it and regret it so much indicates that you will never do anything like that ever again, believe in your self and don't listen to those obsessive thoughts. At last I want to tell you that nobody is perfect or free from sin, you are not evil you are human, you made a mistake but the important thing is that you regret for it, now it is time to let those horrible obsessive thoughts go away you are a good person I know this because you are overcoming your sins.
Hope this helps I strongly recommend therapy and dont listen to those obsessive thoughts you are a good person
Train Of Thought

Old 04-23-2012, 05:19 AM   #6
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Re: Obsessing over something evil I did as a child

one time when I was 10 [I] shot a bird off the power line. My Grandfather seen me do it he came up to me and said I took some thing from the bird I could never give back and told me I had to eat it. He said it is OK to kill for food and mercy but it is not OK to kill for fun. Let me tell you Crow is a nasty bird didn't taste like chicken. He made me feel so bad. I still have memories of that day, I am now 45 and I still feel bad about that. I too have bad thoughts and never act on them. I carry a diagnosis " obsessive cumpulsive profectionest with violent tendencies homicidal and suicidal thoghts and violent tandancies" Sounds like I am a very dangerous person. Reality I am a Loving Father Grandfather and Husband. Rather passive (most of the time) We are all labeled with something it is our ability to not to act on those thoughts that makes us normal. As bad as all that makes me sound I have never spent the night in jail or Harmed anyone (even though I think about it from time to time) I can become violent if pushed to it but I try hard not to be that way (Don't touch me) I like you feel guilty for what I done (still) But we can't dwell on the past we have to move on. We did do bad years ago but we learned from our actions. Sorry about the animals that gave their lives for our actions.But we can't change the past. We can change the future. Good Luck and God bless
things are only impossable till they are not

Old 10-16-2012, 05:41 PM   #7
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repentant HB User
Re: Obsessing over something evil I did as a child

I can sympathize with your situation. I grew up in El Salvador in the 1970s. We lived in a working class neighborhood near a wooded area. My friends and I all had slingshots. We often went into the woods unsupervised and sometimes targeted little animals such as reptiles and bats. At the time, most of us were no older than ten. We simply didn't know any better. Nobody taught us to respect animals in those days. Luckily, most of the time, we didn't really go out looking to hurt animals. One episode does haunt me to this day more than any other, however. A friend wanted a puppy. I had heard that a lady in my neighborhood was giving dogs away. My friend and I went to look for her and told her my friend wanted a male puppy. The lady said, "You'll have to take both the male puppy and its sister." I said okay impulsively because I wanted to give my friend his puppy so badly. He took the male puppy while I took the female one. I didn't want to take the puppy home because I thought my parents would be mad, so I went into some grassy bushes and threw the the puppy there. Almost immediately, I wanted to go back and see how the puppy was, but I got scared because the grass was tall and I was afraid I was going to be bitten by a snake or some other animal. I was either ten or eleven at the time, and I quickly forgot about the incident. Over the years, however, that memory has come back to haunt me. I wonder what happened to the puppy. Did it come out of the bushes and find a home? That thought also leads me to think about other acts of animal abuse I participated in, such as when my friends and I threw rocks at a stray dog who accidentally came into my neighborhood (I was eleven or twelve). We hurt it really bad. After that incident, I realized how wrong we were. I think that was the beginning of my realization that animals deserve our respect. Soon after the rock-throwing incident, my friends and I adopted a cute kitty that wandered into our neighborhood. We fed it and treated it well. In my early twenties, I became a vegetarian. I have thought about volunteering in an animal-rescue shelter, although I'm sometimes afraid that being around animals will bring back memories of the animal abuse episodes I participated in. I'm not sure if this helps, but I think you have to try to go on and realize that you were a child at the time. Your moral compass as a child is not the same moral compass you have now. Think about something good you can do for animals. Ultimately, you will find the right answer.

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