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USmiss 07-03-2012 08:15 PM

New here - Seeking out support!
Hello everyone! I just joined here in hopes of finding some comfort in knowing that others out there may be dealing with what I am dealing with. I will give you a bit of background but try to keep it short. I am a 22-yr-old female who recently graduated from college. <EDIT> I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, GAD, OCD, and am in remission from an Eating Disorder. My main concern right now is the OCD. In the last year and a half, A LOT of changes occured in my life, which has caused my issues to get worse.....I began my first serious relationship, graduated from college, and started working for the first time ever. Changes=anxiety for me. My current problem is with Relationship OCD. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. He is my first love, my best friend, and we have shared MANY firsts together. For the most part, I have believed that I want to be with him for the rest of my life and he is the one. However, at different times, I will get extreme doubts about us. First it started out about doubting his love for me, his faithfulness to me, and I would have thoughts about him with other women. I would then look to him for reassurance about his feelings for me. I finally got a little better with that but now I have a problem with doubting MY feelings. I mean I do love him and I cherish everything we have together. However, the last couple weeks, as well as a few other times in the last year, mainly one time about a year ago, I have been plagued by worries such as: "How do I know if this is right?" "Am I really in love?" "Do I want to be with him for the rest of my life?" "Am I happy?" "Could there possibly be someone else out there that would be better for him or me?" These thoughts eat away at me all day long. They end up causing me severe anxiety to the point of having stomach problems, shaking, and feeling like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I also become very depressed over these thoughts and I cry a lot. My boyfriend is very supportive of me and patient. He understands my problems, yet I know it hurts him to see me doubting what I want. I don't want to break up with him, yet I can't stop doubting myself and us. I usually feel better after talking to someone about it...either my mom, boyfriend, or my Psychologist. Everything might go back to normal for a day or a few weeks and I am happy in love. Then it all goes downhill again. I feel so indecisive about everything and can't stop analyzing every little detail. If him and I disagree on something minute or if he does something I don't like, I question whether that means we are right for each other. Deep down, I know that we are on the right path with morals and life values, which are most important to me. My mind cannot help but constantly worry and analyze. This week I have been dealing with this severely....Anytime I am with him, I cannot enjoy our time together because I am depressed and confused. I have had numerous crying spells this week because I'm so confused, frustrated, and upset. I even spent most of today crying WHILE at my job and driving out on the road. I'm so tired of dealing with this. I just want to be happy and enjoy each day. Instead, I live in the future worrying about what may or may not happen. Let me also add that he recently asked me whether or not I think I would be ready to move in with him in another 8 months or so. Up to that point, I was sure I wanted to be with him, but then we actually discussed it happening for real and I freaked out. I'm not sure if I'm afraid of commitment or what...I know I'm afraid of it not working out in the future and making the wrong choice. I also worry that these thoughts aren't OCD or GAD, that they are real doubts. Thus, I get more confused. If anyone can offer ANY guidance or insight, I would appreciate so very much. Thank you.

USmiss 07-09-2012 04:33 AM

Re: New here-Seeking out support!
Lots of views but no responses?? :-(

Raziel34 07-09-2012 10:54 PM

Re: New here - Seeking out support!
Life's a gamble sometimes when it comes to relationships. It sounds like you've got alot of issues going on and not sure how to really respond, but you seem to be more focused on your OCD based on your thread. Relationships come and go, some last, some don't - but you need to find the enjoyment in the moment with each other. Focusing on what may happen (thoughts) are not reality, what's real is right now, nobody knows what the future holds. However, the things you are going through are not doubt adding stress to the relationship which can break it. Open communication with your partner about your thoughts is important but at the same time - if the relationship is causing you both more stress and unhappiness than it is creating pleasure for the two of you, maybe you should re-evaluate... I'm not saying I'm a relationship expert by any stretch, but the beauty of relationships is the joy and pleasure they bring to both people. I had a relationship in the past where it was causing the two of us more stress and anxiety being together than it was making us actually happy - so in this case - we seperated but remained friends (after the initial awkward phase).

Honestly, I don't think that until you are happy with yourself and accept yourself for who and how you are - you probably won't be happy with anyone. Happiness comes from within - not from external factors. I struggle with this - so I understand. You could date and date and move from relationship to relationship - but if you're not happy - you won't be happy with anyone else. You probably should not depend on another to make you happy - they can contribute to your happiness but it's starts with you.

Just wanted to drop a quick reply as I see there were many views but no responses. It can be like that on here sometimes. Take care!

USmiss 07-10-2012 03:27 AM

Re: New here - Seeking out support!
Thank you for the response. That is what people have always told me....I have to be happy on my own. Sometimes I am but most times I am not and look to other factors to give me that happiness. For right now, I love him and want to be with him. If it doesn't work out in the future, then I'll deal with it then. But I can't sit around worrying about it not working out in the future because it's more likely that it WILL end up working out, especially if I can get ahold of my issues.

USmiss 07-10-2012 04:35 AM

Re: New here - Seeking out support!
Now since I read this posting of mine again, it's triggered doubts in my head. I'm trying my best to let them float away and not affect me. It's like I can't even trust myself, I constantly have to question my thoughts, feelings, and intentions. I remember when I was younger and would go shopping, I could not make up my mind as to whether I wanted to buy something for fear of it not matching something else I already have or it having something wrong with it. It would drive my mom and me nuts but I'd take that uncertainty over this uncertainty dealing with real-life issues. lol

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